Here Lies Fallen Angels - 墮落天使

Is this where I should stop...

2009-08-25T08:48:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Staying true to my original schedule, I had a rather unexpected long summer break as compared to previous years. But I reckoned that this might just be the calm before the storm as a blessing like this seems rather unlikely in the light of the current global epidemic catastrophe. The potent (but not as lethal as SARS) H1N1 virus is causing quite a ruckus and the quarantine being served to me will definitely lengthened my holidays at the expense of other soon to come, unpleasant occurrences for at least that was what I wanted to believe since there is no such thing as a free lunch.

1 extra week earlier to head home and 1 extra week later to start work. All this totals my annual holidays to more than 2 months and I mean PAID holidays. Of course there is a catch to all this and that the difference lies in the fact that back home I am not scrutinized 24/7 by preying eyes and I am pretty much free to venture outside my house given that nothing really severe develops from there. Whereas here and I mean here in Japan, I had to dutifully serve out my "sentence" since the chances of me rubbing shoulders with someone familar in the crowds are relatively high. To escape this possibility, I chose to sleep 50 odd hours away in 1 week since I didn't want to waste those well-deserved holidays. That is until my curious nature whisked me away and I popped by those less prominent places for a change.

And here comes the mental block which I am having trouble releasing a fresh refresh. It's weird since my limited command of the language can only allow me to espress a small fraction of my mental well-being. Let start from a long long time ago when I had a dream to follow and I was ready to ditch everything around me to embark on it. Now my mind is reading a different set of prophecies. One that light a path of return to the place of the origin. The other to continue blazing the path and never look back. Indeed I am at a self-imposed crossroad locked in my own asylum of thoughts. Issues that didn't seem to bother me in the past are no longer flickering at the back of my head...they are instead real vivid images that I could stretch out my hand and touch them. I longed for many things, people and places that I had denied, I longed for those hugs and kisses, those intimate moments, those movie sessions...The elders have all aged with more wisdom and I am becoming one step closer to losing them. These unhealthy thoughts are frightening and at times I would imagine myself going before them so that I can skup the teary and heart crushing part. Silly you might say but these are the very scenes that loop in my head time and again.

No great cause for alarm since I am not confessing that I am losing my sanity but rather I have occasional major relapses that are emotionally inclined. These can be attribted to the fact that I live alone in isolation but there's always another side of the story. You see at times like this I want time on one side of the balance and youth on the other side of the balance which in reality is impossible simultaneously. Using the same analogy, I want the abundance of space, fresh breathing air and vast mountainous landscapes to greet me daily and yet at the same time I want my families, my love ones, my stuffs, money, friends, etc to be by my side as well which of cours can't be done.

Sometimes I really hate to admit but I used to loathe my mum and her constant naggings, etc but now the silence that I am enjoying now are pretty empty. I do miss my mum and my dad and my brothers but still I want my freedom to do everything else. What would I do if I gave up everything that I had built from ground Zero, packed up and head back home only to find out that I still very much want to live in this dream of mine? When that time really comes, what should I do? Families aside, I really do miss my friends and those really special soulmateswhom I could run to and bury my head in their bosoms to cry or to snuggle up close with them and hope that morning doesn't come.

I am not sure if all this is just the result of a bad trip or a nightmare but I am sure these are real and very very real. Still standing at this crossroad, I begin to think of our forefathers who travelled across oceans to settle in SG. Maybe now it's the time where I should do so to explore abroad, neglect kindship and other factors that bind Chinese customs and roots. I am lost and I am not seeking a sign from God because this IS the path that I have chosen. And like I have said a million times before, I might not be a firm believer of any religion but I have no religion to lose. If one day I should cross paths with God and I get to see him / her in person, then that will be the day I convert to a particular sect with my heart and soul willingly.

Though I know that this time round I am merely keeping up with appearences with many people back home since I just don't have the heart to crumble their dreams. Like me, many of them had carved a path that they too wish to embark on. Their source of inspiration I presumed may or may not be drawn either directly or indirectly from me since I happened to be one of the few who went rogue and ventured to shores beyond. They most certainly look up to me since each time I talked to them, their eyes seems to glimmer with enthusiasm and all that simply reminds me of the past when I used to be like them idolizing someone else. That is when the egoistic nature of man himself puts pride as one of the 7 deadly sins for a damn good reason. And for that very reason itself, I am not willing to reveal to these sweet believers how frail I am actually on the inside and each day my rotten core is hollowing away to nothing more than an empty shell in the enar future. I do fear that day to come since I had not accomplished anything amazing feats till date. The damn usual paper chase in SG, the corporate ladder office politics and the "money rules everything" mentality have discounted me numerous times on various occasion and I seriously DO NOT LIKE it! Fuck all these trash!

So then it really comes to a point that I would not want to run or deny anymore and if you are reading this then too bad. I am desperate to find someone to fill in the void that is even if it's temporary since I had long considered someone of "sibiling" nature. I do lust for you...Just someone to hug on cold days, someone to wake up to and kiss me goodnithe, someone to ride the tides of time with me and someone who DO NOT show silly signs of independence, pride, ignorance or presumption!

Screw everything else!

ナルシシズム

2008-11-17T09:44:00.008+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

最近じゃなくて、いつもと思って、僕はナルシシズムにふけるだ。僕はね自分の顔が大好きだけど、いつも自信を持ってない。それではこの一年半で僕は一人で住んでいるだから。毎日できるのことは自分の顔をちゃんと見ている。前は家族と一緒住んでいった、鏡はもちろん皆と分けていった。あの時やパリずっと鏡前でうぬぼれなかった。つまり今はね家で自由自在に鏡を使うという事だ。しかし、自分の顔が好きより本当はもともと綺麗になりたい。僕はいつも綺麗な顔に取つかれって、もちろん自分の顔を変わって、自信もレベルアップができる。完璧な顔、体、頭、目、等、もちすべてがあるなら、これはいいんじゃない？　お前はどう？　そんな気持ちがあるのか？　も二十年ぐらいずっと見ている、面白くないという事はないと思うん。さあって、見れば見るほど、綺麗にたってと思うん。

時々鏡前に立ているの僕、相手の顔が自分顔のそばに見えるが欲しい。いつかまだ分からないけど、皆さんの口から出るの言葉は「縁」って、も聞いたくないよ。

Little little paws

2008-09-18T11:03:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Put your little paws on my hand and let me take you home. Let me groom you and let me nurture you. One day you will grow up to be strong and healthy. One day you will understand that each of us have a place in the world. But for now let me lay beside you and watch you sleep. Let those tender eyes of yours entice me with innocence.

When the time is right, you will look at me, frail and weak. For I am unable to groom you anymore. I am unable to stroke you fur and pat your head. And in one graceful movement, you will devour me to end my misery. Only then will we be together as one.

*Chomp* *Chomp*

Hang me by the noose

2008-09-09T12:34:00.005+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Seems like another one of the random internal turmoil or is it that I am just breaking up under depression? Maybe to me a lot of things have happen or is it just me thinking too much? Why of unknown causes am I so much affected by the surroundings? Why am I unable to increase my latent inhibition and be immune to these external forces? The sudden influx of questions, self-preservation and uncertainties are interfering with my daily existence and this is quite on the contary to the fact that I am so much well protected in the past. I have forced myself into a safe and locked myself up back then but why is it that this safe is slowly decaying on me? What should I look for? An answer to complete my life? A sign? And if it's possible, where should I look for? I am already here so if it's not here then perhaps I should start searching elsewhere? Am I barking up the wrong tree?

As the gallons of questions flood my head, I am eluding these sub-conscious reality by substituting them with images of naive little kids running amok with cleavers and masks...

Then I found myself very much indebted and sinking into those past images, memories and warmth...into the arms of those.

Depression as I see it becomes more like a reality for me though there's no way I can forcast the next relapse. No I do not need to see a shrink or be administered to a special place with men in white. These are luxuries that I can't afford and will not be willing to...at least for the moment.

Yeber Yeber Yeber Yeber nonsensical tickings

2008-09-08T13:55:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am very tired after the Sunday's event. Indeed very tired both mentally and physically...my brain feels like shutting down for a much needed rest while my body is crying out loud for feeling lethargic. The weather sucks because I can see the mountainous regions beneath the clear blue sky. The sun is blinding my eyes but still I have to struggle to go to work and do nonsense each day. When night comes, I can feel the moon rejuvernating me but sometimes it's no where to be found. Yes it's really dark when there is no moon and superstitious fear are affecting my slightly. I live alone as many people have known so that makes me pissed. I am one angy terrorist awaiting the chance to blow many suckers sky high. Tick tick tick...I can feel it growing...

I am remorseful for leaving you, I am remorseful for neglecting you, I am remorseful for embarking on stupid childish dreams...I am remorseful. Will you still take me back if I come home? Will you still fulfill all the promises that you have made? Will you...

When lines are crossed

2008-09-08T13:01:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

One is really kind or may I say brainless and the other one is smooth or may I say scheming bastard. These are the kind of societal miscreants that I have to face every now and then but why the hell am I getting involved in all these unproductive squabbles all of a sudden? Boy I wonder...here's the plot.

Mr 3-RETARD has a girlfriend, Miss Ask for 4 years. While Mr 3-RETARD also have a good friend (more like fiend), Mr You-SOB for God-Knows-How-Many-Donkey-Years. Miss Ask have a younger sister, Miss Say-WHORE who so happens to be dumped recently I presumed. While everyone knows that Mr You-SOB is some no brainer who have at least 3 different girlfriends at any one time, likes to lie and doesn't show respect for anyone. While Miss Say-WHORE so happens to know this as well but she decides to jump onto Mr You-SOB Pimp Wagon. Mr 3-RETARD in question does not do anything about it as he claims it's not his problem. Damn right not his problem but seeing that he will be the future sister-in-law of Miss Say-WHORE, he should at least exercise some sense into both his fiend, Mr You-SOB and also Miss Say-WHORE.

And then here comes the worst bastard Mr You-SOB. I presumed that everyone should be sensible enuff to stay clear off brotherly family affairs but this simpleton bloke with no future, dreams or watsoever decides to pull a fast one and chew on his mate's girlfriend's sister for say, a quick fix? Show some respect here dude...don't ya father ever teach you never bite the hand that feed you? Or sleeping with your own mother is not acceptable? Even dogs and other beast know of such a simple unspoken norm that governs all existence. Now you chose to ignore all of that and do like wise...it's almost like commiting incest and not to mention the fact that you have 3 people to dote on you. Argh I hate you and I want to burn you face down on a crucifix.

Well what a shameful world these poor pitiful imbeciles live in. But since it's like this, I might as well exploit on the situation and raze everything to the ground. I was actually planning to sow discord between these people and watch with chips and popcorn in my arms how the story will unfold further. Might be a rather spectacular show that will probably miss the Emmy's on grounds that it's a local production.

Sad but true...I shall never give people the respect when they simply do not have the honour to earn it. If they themselves do not respect themselves then all the more I and all others shouldn't. Bitch, slut, whore, bastards, pimps and assholes...rejoice as you can all join your hands and sing in unision. Because when you are done with that, you can all come kiss my ass and say goodbye.

Am I being punished?

2008-08-30T08:25:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Like everyone else, every citizen and every good samaritan, I am just a regular normal human being run by a certain set of beliefs and principles. And like every masculine species that roamed Earth since pre-historic times, I do yearn for a comfortable shoulder to weep, a warm tender hug in winter, a rejuvernatiung smile in the morning all from 1 person...a girlfriend.

But I have none to begin with...well...actually there are, but I denied them. I am searching and I searching but still no luck. Maybe I am picky or something...or was it retribution? What's wrong with choosing since life is all about making the right decisions?

Sometimes to a certain extent, I am actually attributing this strange phenomenon to the place that I am living in. In exile with no one to interact but strangly enuff, I was actually singing praises about such a lifestyle earlier on. How ironic and how my mental stability are being questioned.

Long gone are those sweet tender kisses, warm hugs and fanciful dinner, long gone are those slow walks in the evening, holding hands and the fragrance of the hair, long gone are those reflections of the velvet night sky in the eyes of the once most beautiful lady in front of me, long gone are those wild and crazy ideas I am willing to serve for my Lady...Now with the harsh, cold winter approaching, I can feel more angst rising to keep me warm and alive just to realise that I am all alone.

I can feel my biological clock ticking and I am anxious, desperate at times but still I am unmotivated and unreluctant to sucumb to anyone in the street. I have to fulfil my destiny...

God, for once stop playing MGS4 on the PS3 and grant me a vision, an answer or anything that will guide me to her. Fate like everyone puts it quite simply, was that 1 think I am lacking to meet her. Yeah easy for all you folks to say but a little action would be appreciated. Superfacial, all talk and no action is what I think. I am practical and realistic so if some greater power or being is believed to be present, give me a sign to prove it. Stop wasting my time...

See...I have come to the extent to even fault God for my shortfall but that only shows how lonely and pathetic I am. Shine me a path before I lose my love for her, the world and everything else. And then I shall welcome the darkside with open arms...

*Argh* my social well being is at stake now...

Nosey Parker Exposé (Explicit Content)

2008-08-27T13:35:00.007+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Just when I was all excited to get back to work, just when I was whining how easy and no brainer my job was, just when I was bragging how easy I got this no brainer job, just when everything was falling into pieces like dust gently settling...a vicious vixen shed it's goofy fool hoofs and bare it's ugly inerts at me. This time round no more charismatic nice gentleman at your disposal. This entry will be flooded with vocabuary deem good enoungh for you bitch so be warned.

Not too sure the exact cause of what triggered the explosion, be it your menopause, monthly ritual bleeding or your dog's inability to please you in bed, all these had nothing to do with me. I am an ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and you are no better. You are simply a PART TIME TEACHER and I do not GIVE A FUCK if you did graduate from the States or that you can speak 3 languages like I do. What I FUCKING CARE is that what I do at work like surfing porn, downloading games or creating entries like this to FLAME YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, is simply my problem so don't you care. I have tried in the beginning and the Head Teacher simply tell me that I alone can't change SHITS that some stubborn bunch of half dead Ah Peks in the legislation had set. Not forgeting some impromptu Demostration Class I had in the Elementary school which had my sorry ass fried for taking the lead in the class. So I will BE THE FUCKING ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and not contribute unless I am told to. Why the hell do you think I would lose all the inspiration to change the lessons? Think with your brain and not your cunt you FUCKING SHITHOLE OF A WHORE. Such audacity to serve a cold platter of sarcasm in my face mid day...Whoa! Scary but I bet you can do better.

The Principal doesn't complain, the vice Principal doesn't complain and even the head teacher doesn't complain so DON'T YOU EVER COME UP TO ME and TELL ME I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET, YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING BEASTIE WHORE OF UNKIND NATURE. What else do you expect me to do. Sleep, play my PSP or improve my harsh entry like this for you. Mind you I am doing something productive to myself like trading in Forex and reading Wikipedia to widen my knowledge. I am not simply staring at the screen...and I am most uncomfortable staring into your blasted FUCK FACE now. My boss tells me that I have to be in here from 0830 to 1630 even when I have nothing productive to do. In other words, I am not better than wasting my time sleeping everyday at home. So of course I surf the internet and do what ever I like...these are nothing against the law, not prohibited in the clause of the contract and most definitely not affecting others around me. Silently I sit at my desk and mind my own business and you tell me I spend too much time on the internet? Are you even sure you know what I am doing with the internet? Do you even have the slightest clue that I have been pulling this stint for almost 1 year and only now did you decide to pull the plug on me. Alternatively it wouldn't be hard to imagine you fanning some unhealthy flame behind me in the bid to bring me down.

Do not EVER try to strike me down because you think you can...you are so wrong and you will always be so dead wrong. Stop being a nosey parker and keep your sniffing to the sewers where you BITCH OF A RAT FACED ACENSTRY belong. I despise and dislike sewer garbage like you and the likes of your entire species. Be gone!

If you want me to help you, you can simply ask and you can be sure I will be ready to offer my help anytime. If you want to delegate tasks all you have to do is consult me and like wise I will be more than willing to offer my humble services. But because you have a bad day doesn't mean you can bring me down with you. I am not your servant, slave or pet because I have better taste in selecting my masters. You do not seriously think by dropping a bomb like this on me on the last hour will catch me unguarded. If you do than I can seriously praise you for your shallow creativity. I am not stupid nor was I born yesterday...Well let me shed a little enlightenment to your otherwise subjective mentality that have proved that the many years of education you have received was an indeed failure not only to the society but a disgrace to the entire homo sapiens community. Your parents must be so ashamed they created such a defect that they wished they were disintegrated in the A Bomb incident. I am well adept in the art of disguises, deceit and sabotages which makes me an excellent silent assassin. Planning a full 50 minute lesson plan hours before the actual execution is simply baby's play for me so there is really no need to be surprised.

Indeed I panicked in the initial 5 minutes but hey I did not even break a single sweat. Quite simply I glided across the smooth ice and rode it in my stride. LAME SUCKER...

I am harsh and yes indeed I am...why the hell would I be so nice to you. What goes around comes around but for my case, I can only be the hedious sucker beind the keypads flaming because I dislike frontal conflicts. Not only is it dangerous to show my face, it will even thwart my incredible plan to conquer and plunder. This is my dream that I have worked hard on so I will not waste it on the MOTHER FUCKER IN NAGANO CITY or on you. I will go a long way before I see you in your little box burn in flames. FUCK YOU!

*Sigh* I really wonder why am I always surrounded by idiots? Why can't I be aquainted with more people like my beloved little sheep? Why? In times like this Momo will be sure to cast me aside and lash at my open sore...only My precious little sheep and Big bear will embrace me in their arms and tell me it's alrite. Both of you will greatly be missed. Without these 2 angels by my side, I can trust no one as everyone else is just as sly and quick in prying my flaws and feasting on them.

You made your move and so the plates are divided. From this day on, there will be no trust, no feelings and no gratitude for you or from you. It's about pre-constructed smile and laughs accompanied by false flattery and tons of hate all in the dishonour of you bitch. Burn elsewhere and not in my hell.

Unexplained disappearence

2008-08-25T13:58:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am not sure if you know what I was thinking from the start except the fact that I was pretty certain there was absolutely no way you would figure it out 100%. God maybe but mere mortals other than myself...impossible.

You had a fad for me and I preyed on that. Maybe I was a novelty to you and that once you were thru with me, the bin would be my best friend. You played your part pretty well but I was not any less smarter. I knew it would only be a small fragment of my life's journey or even just a couple of seconds every day so I played along as well. The memories were indeed sweet but at times the kinder side of me would actually contemplate on living it in reality. I was naive.

A little feeling was lost back there but now that you are walking out, it only makes my life more radiant. I couldn't have done it any better than you. Maybe I am greedy but I still want the voids to be filled which is pretty shallow thinking, outright silly. Quite simply I still liked it when I was the everything in your world till I found out too much and that they added to tattoos and I freaked out. Eternity became a nightmare while stagnantion becomes a dream.

Thank you for your kind departure so I can continue dreaming. It was good while it lasted but nothing last forever.

So long Minao aka Hana, I will miss you sorely.

Here comes the moon...

2008-08-21T10:49:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Once again the essence of the lunar spirit have granted me sufficient strength to dish out harsh dirt of my mind in the forms of linguistic symbols invented by people, governed by ethics and decisions. Before plunging into the wells of infinite darkness, I would really like to sing some praises to my current well being that this humble nature had granted me so far. You see SG is a place where life has no significance by itself except when it's decided by societal norms and forces that "nuture" and mold the supposedly "acceptable" model. Time, money and expectations of everyone around except your own runs your life day in and day out. I guessed that's pretty much the way how people interacts with nature in big cities.

So for me, I wasn't really sure of why everyone had big aspirations and ambitions when they were simply 7 or 8 years of age. I had none to begin with for I never really saw the need for it.

Straying as usual, so back to my personal well being. Yep after almost a year here in seclusion away from fast paced environments, pollutions and irritable situations, I found myself interacting with nature as it is...untouched and untamed. Living on simple fare but the abundant harvest of seasonal fruits, I found myself indulging in a whole new level of luxury. From juicy white peaches to prized grapes in summer, only to be rewarded with more diabetic goodies like SGD$99 melons and gigantic strawberries. Raw fish or sashimi have become an important part of my daily diet while more wholesome goodness from the local farm grown greens.

Winter had brought for much snow to warm my chillest heart while the occasional snakes passing my front yard keeps life interesting. Racoons, foxes and deers seems to drop by once in a while while the intense bamboo forest behind my house still packs a mysterious punch.

All these while I have learnt to co-exist with nature but not to the extent to live off the land penniless. Simply not able to commit such a grave decision yet. Back home in SG for the past 3 weeks have left me not short of more compliments. Radiant glow on my face, even better complexion and a smoother and fairer skin. Slowly I become the envy of many females both young and old alike. This I would simply attribute to the minimal stress I received for sleeping long hours and the generosity that this place have granted me. If anyone would like to discover that life is not all about making money and back stabbing everyone else, I strongly urge you to embark on a self realization journey. An odyssey where you can see how much nature have to offer...of course do not get me wrong that I am encouraging you to desert your commitments and go full fledge but all I am implying is that self denial and reality escapism comes with great risk and responsibilities. After all this is YOUR 1 life that you have so decide wisely.

Movies like Into the Wild have further justified a portion of my obsession with the cold harsh winter simply because I love snow. But having watched the movie revolving around the life of Christopher Johnson McCandless, I do admit my life now is more or less like his except that I have a decent shelter over my head, I have cosy and snuggly bed, proper sanitation and the very fact that I do not have to kill to survive. In fact I am so much more better off than him as this place have provided me a comfortable home for almost a year. It may be true to a certain extent that at times I do like the freedom to wonder around clothless only to jump into a crystal clear waterfall but that is still pretty far fetched. I may be living in solitation under occasional negative cognitive infestation, nonetheless I still yearn for companionship, games and the internet.

The bottomline is that no matter how distant I may have wondered, inside the very roots of being Chinese, being borned in SG and the circumstances that I evolved under, I am fully liable for many relations governed by monetary and time issues. So the very thought and the very simplistic wish of living off the land and disappearing somewhere in total seclusion will never be possible. Seems incredible years later to tell a tale which will put me into the legendary status, or even a spot in wikipedia, what comes after that is what will ultimately crush me because even thinking about it now is frightening.

Given that now the charm and novelty of this place is still holding out pretty decently, I am positive that once this stage of my life reaches a plateau, I will move on to a city, get a regular job and get on with life. This way I can please the very society that I am indebted in many ways. All in the expense of giving up my freedom to appreciate the land.

Alaska, even before watching this inspiration movie had already gain some footing in me. But the uncertainties and the reluctance to forsake all that I am enjoying now had cast a deadly shadow over that white natural appeal. Someday, but I am not sure when...I shall pay Alaska a visit.

A Feint of Misrepresentation

2008-07-11T12:59:00.004+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

This post was not meant to be entered into the Japanese one simply because I have dedicated much of this blog to my thoughts and my recluse. A misread print recently have got me running for the door ashamed and feeling utterly disgusted. I can feel a deep pressurized bubble forming in my chest and yep it's damn uncomfortable. Feels like the seismic internal combustion will probably leave me half dead. My usual facade have been compromised and I have felt really really uncomfortable ever since but..."why" was the question that continues to pound my head.

I simply do not understand why the usual "Couldn't care less" nature of me was affected so badly this time. An issue concerning money was raised in an email and I reacted rather adversely to it. Rather than carefully analysing the texts, I loaded a machine gun with my angst and fired blindly. After a series of pretty strong accented words in my replies to display my great displeasure, I so happened to find out that a resolution had already been presented in the very email. I am probably a retard or blind to have misread it and THAT caused my own cynical embarassment. No replies from the other side from the start but simply idiotic whines from my side. The word "NOT" in regular font was missed completely in the email that altered the enire meaning of the email. I think there are other bad days but this one seems to go on infinitely.

Direct confrontations are ineminent and I really have ran outta of facades to contain my shame. How the hell am I gonna keep up with my own impression management? Totally screwed...Argh...this is killing me at the moment for I can't think, eat, sleep or react naturally without festering on the evil thoughts of shame, guilt and outright stupidity. So here comes the suppressed Sing(apore) Beast from within, "WAH LAU EH! THIS TIME DIE LIAO LAR! SIBEH SIA SUAY LEH!"

Technically death is nothing more than a cheat of life but living in shame is much worse. How can I, the GREAT ENGLISH TEACHER, misread the email? How is it even possible?

Wrecking my cognition and wearing sanity thin, I am desprately trying to make all this right but I guessed a mended broken mirror still have scars. Redemption is never possible so after winter, it's time to relocate matters, person and friends.

- Ride Life like the tides -

Angst and rising

2008-05-07T09:02:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Despite returning to work today after the tragedic Rotten Week which was supposed to be a fantastic Golden Week, I still could not get over the fact that I lost my precious PSP and other stuffs. I am really really pissed to the extent that I would really really end up brutally assaulting the responsible party for my misfortune. Maybe even stabbing and gutting who ever that asshole to appease me. Day in and day out extreme images race through my head regarding the lost items. I can feel my tension soaring exponentially and my hands twitching ready to release some justice.

Well maybe I got so attached to my PSP over the years that having it stolen is like losing a close friend. If I had lost it, I would probably have blame myself but this time round, it was clearly stolen. My bag was virtually emptied and my stuffs strewn across the floor. The only consolation that I got was that my bag, my jacket and my pocket dictionary was not taken.

My beloved White PSP that have kept me entertained for years and have kept me companied during my rough times, my sweet headphones that took me weeks of consideration before buying them and my torch which had a rather significant value to me. May all of you rest in PEACE for I am unable to take good care of you in the future. May you find yourself in the hands of a better asshole whom I pray will take good care of you.

I have never dropped my PSP and not a single scratch can be found on it after using it for years. I had it cased in a polycarbonate case and cleaned daily with a synthetic cloth. It was indeed a close friend and it was indeed love at first sight. We were destinied to meet but somehow God, where ever you maybe, took the liberty to seperate us and let me wallop in tears.

I have sunken to my knees and extremely distraught...Why, why the hell would it befall on me. Yes I know these are items that can be bought with money but I have an affiliation with them over the years so it's really not something that money can replace.

Damn you mutherfucker, may you suffer a fate worse than a diseased, mutiliated corpse. May your face be disfigured so disgustingly that you have to be identified thru DNA testing. May you be struck with a prolonged virus that will humiliate you and be outcast by the society. May both your eyes be blinded by sharpnels from an explosion. My all your limps fracture so badly that they jut from your skin. May you and all your friends and family members be strike down by vehicles and smeared across the asphalt. May their raw brains and eyes be exposed on the asphalt that crows feast on them. May your sisters and mothers be raped beyond recognition and may whatever unthinkable, unethical and unfathomable shits befall on you and all your generations.

Lastly, I am a believer and I believe what I see so if God ever existed and if doing good deeds will reap good rewards ever is true, then show it to me and not luck around like some useless myth that only makes innocent people suffer.

Twitching Numbers

2008-05-01T09:55:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday, the last day of April, the 30th day of the month happened to be one of the most crucial phase of my life. I was struggling really hard to snap out of the sudden insanity rooting me down. Rising tensions and fluctuating emotions were hanging dangerously on a fine line between sanity and insanity. I really don't know what happen or the exact trigger that set of the the accumulated catalyst inside me. In an instance, I simply exploded and everything in sight became a threat and had to be eliminated. Bugs, insects, arachnids, shapes, cups, boxes, everything seems to be caving in to crush me.

I dived for the Hi Capa which was always filled with some gas, loaded in the BBs and waited without the safety. I was one paranoid sucker suffering from cabin fever I guessed. Sat in one corner of the house and armed with a BB pistol, I forced meself to rationalize and took a huge deep breath. In my alter-ego state I have gradually lost the ability to revert back to my usual self. I tried and I tried and finally after a huge effort to conclude the battle of personalities, back I was wondering what the fuck had just happened. Pretty scary I would say to lose it just as easy as the snap of fingers.

Regaining my consciousness I began to question all the events and situations that had happened prior in hope of finding out the cause of the relapse. After carefully analysing the contributing factors, it seems the the most likely cause was the random fluctuations of numbers. From 103.94 to 104.57 to 103.46, etc...these were probably the main cause of the sudden sanity collapse. 0.01 movement of either directions of these numbers would spell either a positive or negative integer value. And the movement are exponential due to leverage. Yep, indeed money are involved and it's simply the intensity I get out of trailing forex, pitting the YEN against the DOLLAR. Well given that everyone is probably attached or getting married and I am living in a shabby hut the middle of a bamboo forest in one of the most advanced country in the world. Do the math and you will arrive at the equation of misleading and undefined answers.

Time is abundant for me and it has become more of a hinderence and I had to do something useful. No skirt chasing here as 200 year old farmers are definitely not my type. Day in day out, I watch charts, plot graphs and come out with strategies to test them. Eventually when a strategy fails, I get pretty paranoid eventhough those were simply virtual currencies. A perfectionist like me cannot fail because of my own misjudgement or stupidity. I have to rage against the moving integers every second, minute and hour because a range of 1,000,000 YEN moving in favor or against me is crucial. Yes I am in the midst of training and training to become capable of accepting my own identity. Until I can perfect the winning ratios of 8.5 is to 1, I cannot stop but crunch more nerve-wrecking numbers, charts and immerse myself in the depths of insanity.

Being robbed of the sweetness for almost a year, all that I am yearning for right now is a hug and kiss from the loveliest girl.

A sudden craving...

2008-04-25T12:06:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Out of no where, unprepared and totally taken by surprise, I found myself craving for a weird scent at this very instance. I can't describe the urge that has overpowered me completely and my resistence had been seriously impaired. I want it, I need it and I am trying to seek it fast.

Yes, I CRAVE for rhe smell of hospital's antiseptic tingling thru my nostrils and flowing along my veins. I want to feel the clensing sensation that most people loathe. I want to revitalise and rejuvernate, I want the feeling of rebirth. I want to be cleanse of the filth that had accumulated inside me. Yeah I know it's weird but I badly want the smell right now for I really really have the urge to take a gigantic whiff of it. Think of it as ingesting both a stimulant and depressant at the same time [wiki speedball(drug)], and that will explain the sensation I will get by whiffing that concentrated antiseptic. I can't stop visualizing myself getting a dose, a rather strong dose of that harmless antiseptic.

Ok, off to the nearest hospital after my work...I cringe for it so badly I am literally incapacitated now, barely able to do anything right.

Faith is subjective

2008-04-10T14:34:00.006+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am really really disturbed and bewildered by the recent news, emails and ugly cross border spat that has fed my amusement in the abscence of other forms of entertainment. So much of it that the indigestion had cause me to spew some bile of dispair and here it is.

"True Miracle in Eygpt"

I am utterly disgusted by how Christ as a Faith are distributed in such cheap, distorted and blasphemous filth that just go around, unfiltered and unsolicited. Being one of the oldest faith in the world and having such grand Vaticans affairs in Rome, surviving the hands of time and bracing the numerous wars, only to surface as ridiculous junk that not only hampens the belief but also question the motive behind it. You see Faith is a beautiful thing in it's purest form, widely respected and appreciated but to enforce or any attempt to alter it will generate unfavorable repercussions. FAITH IS SUBJECTIVE just like politics.

I am really bemused by how this email can even get to me if those so called believers are so lazy to even attempt to defend their faith and bust any nonsense directed at their reputation. You see sometimes people follow faith blindly and are so into it that they lose their reasons for believing and THAT is the justification needed to start a cult. Well if you are really into whatever faith, shouldn't these so called believers do something more productive than to simply click the "SEND" button and deceive their poor friends? Oh I almost forgot, or should they create more controversial news like our Dear Miss Sun Ho and their WATEVER HARVEST following? What a bunch of crap that waste not only my precious time and effort to even bother reading them. If you ask me, I would rather have free porn in my mail than such nonsense that distort the otherwise beautiful faith that I have come to known.

Somehow even the most powerful Google and Yahoo, the marvelous technological advancements like satalite, TVs, news, paparazzis, etc and the ever so grand Vaticans and Pope are left out on miracles like these, how the hell in the world would you expect me to believe some mere words by an unknown source? Oh you mean that the U.S. Barack Clinton McCain "threesome" Race, the Beijing "filthy" Olympic and the Mr Kim "is-very" Ill blowing his top is more important than proving Christ's existence? Come on...you can do better than that don't you?

Somehow I wonder is Christ playing his PSP or fiddling his Ipod Touch while American troops "gather" at his beautiful garden and mow his lawn. Oh it seems like the Muslims reading the Bible are more important than the hardcore American believers as they are soon to be new followers...No names, dates or even pictures but only MUSLIM, CHRIST, EYGPT and BIBLE are highlighted in the email. So I can comfortable deduce that Christ is using propaganda to recruit more troops for his Command and Conquer game against Mr Allah.

Go figure people.

A very long post

2008-03-30T23:22:00.004+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Over the recent weeks, I travelled with my family and my elder brother and his soon to be fiance down south to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. This trip which would seem like a rather normal family tour had in fact taught me many lessons and also opened my inner visions to see further. I have witnessed how the power of love can change people and the denial of blood ties are never successful. I have come to terms with my own identity and acceptance that one simply cannot belong to a distant land away from the actual birth place. My bleak future have come to a halt where I have to seriously consider how I will write the remaining chapters of my life. I tried so hard to be forged as a cold steel blade but in the end I simply couldn't even withstand the gentle strike of a feather.

I have longed to seek my own dreams and destiny at the expense of everyone and everything else but my parents which I have complained numerously in past seems so different this time round. Their aging faces, their lost glory and their ever tender loving care which I have regrettably taken for granted in the past seems to creep into my soul slowly. I felt sad which was a feeling that I was deprived for a long long time. I have come to question my own actions and existence. It's all became so clear that all the people around me, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my grandma, cousins and my dear Eve and Elsie were simply too kind to put up with my silly antics just so that I could fulfill my own dreams. I have never think twice about everyone else and yet I was always bitching about how selfish the world is and how cruel my life was. I was wrong all these while but I just didn't want to accept defeat.

It wasn't long before I finally collapse in the face of reality which really hurt. Their words are so true so true to the extent that I begin to loathe myself more and more each day...what have I actually accomplished all these while? I can't think of any but my responsibilities grow greater each day. My roommate has returned to America and I am left alone, cold and destroyed in this broken shack in the middle of the forest. Freezing and the lack of hot water, I am forced to live in exile and question my own integrity, Thanks to my Boss, my inspiration to give it my all have vanished, living half the winter with no hot water, I have become one really pissed soul.

A lot of thinking and thoughts de-fragmentation is going on now since there is no one around and time is all I have. Reading all the messages from Eve, Elsie and Des, the weddings going in my absence not to mention missing out on my own brother engagement in May, my life have indeed come to a halt. I am very afraid because I have not accomplished anything great so far and the future still look bleak. Tenrikyo is a great an beautiful religion but it does not answer my reason for existence and this barricade in my head is forcing everything to a standstill. I really don't know what I want now much less the reason for existence. My parents still love Momo and comparisons are always lurking around the corner. Because of me, there are a couple of people whose dreams will never be possible despite me always bitching that as long as you never stop dreaming you will probably get there someday. There are serious loopholes, faults and flaws in my imperfect principle of life and I am disappointed.

Money seems to be alrite for now but I am not too sure about the future. My splurging nature have taken a complete restructuring and I have become more aware of my own expenses. Money seems to play a huge part of my current misery as the harsh words lashed upon me, my future all revolves around it.

I do not hate myself and I do not exhibit these unforgivings nature but everyone seems to look up upon me which is seriously crushing my under immerse pressure. No they do not see it or hear it but I can feel it and yet I can't speak it or dissipate it...I am simply struggling to hold on till I find the way, the solution, the key to exit all these misery. Yes I put on a false facade but that way at least I can let my alter-ego take charge so I can regain sanity. It's just that coming back to this cold run down broken shack, the misery, the solitude will welcome me with open arms...

I am not happy with all these arrangements and I want to take off but yet I want to remain here. My heart goes out but none seems to notice and my roots longed to return. My origins are humble and not of noble status but I am lazy and stubborn. My dreams are almost complete but I am halted at a crossroad. To proceed and risk everything or to crawl back and seek the forgiveness of one individual and frown upon by the whole world.

Suddenly there are so many things that I want to accomplish immediately only to find out that time is running out fast. What should I do?

To Eve,

If one day should you find me standing in front of you front door with a bouquet of flowers you will know that your dreams will be fulfilled.

To Elsie,

If there ever a chance for me to go back to the past and change everything, I would stay and never leave.

To Momo,

My dreams are only as good if you are in it.

To Mum and Dad,

I really miss you.

To Des,

You are the only person to see candles before the millennium. Hope you didn't forget that.

To everyone else,

I am tired but thank you.

To myself,

there is still some time left.

PSP firmwares and counting...

2008-03-13T12:25:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Seems like I have been out of the PSP firmware war for sometime...from the Dark Alex era to Team Noobz, I always find myself up to date with the latest intricate details or each firmware upgrade and the possible issues with certain ISOs, CSOs. Those all so familiar Ver. 1.5, TA-082 chip, 2.71, custom firmwares, OE-A series, etc are loitering at the back of my mind like floating tattoos that will permanantly ink themselves once I trigger them. But it abruptly came to a stop when I left my WINDOWS back home and brought my APPLE to Japan.

Running on limited ISOs / CSOs, I found myself totally abandoning the War of the Firmwares and I was happy with just those. As more and more games started spawning, once again I took a tiny bit of interest in the new games. It started out with just plain curiousity which I wound have never expected it to fully take off again. Now I am not even able to keep up with M33 and stuffs...

Despite the plateauing off of the interest and info regarding the firmwares, the games nonetheless, are growing at a steady increase. With torrents floating around, it's really not that hard to try out new games before actually buying them. But the catch is that torrent works both ways in a sense that if there are no seeders, it may take weeks or months to complete the download. Besides, if it's an old game, chances are that there may not be seeders at all. DL speed varies from ISP connections to seeders so the uncertainty of completion can be rather fustrating at times.

Well riding along the line regarding games, and the immerse power of the internet, I happen to get aquainted with a particular way to acquire those ISOs / CSOs in a much faster fashion. Weeks and months are abstract and not even realistic as the queue time is about 115 minutes in between each DLs. So basically there are only two forces at play here...

1. The internet connection.

2. The ISP of your computer.

I shall not go into the extensive details here but the bottom line is that for a 800mb ISO / CSO will require me about 2 hours odd to get it done...but given the benefit of doubt, 3 hour will be the max.

You see the power of the internet is so vast and the freedom of information is ubiquitous. So if you could harness your focus, I am pretty sure you wil get what you want or if not, a little insight on how to get it.

A further extension of my insanity.

2008-03-09T17:38:00.003+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It seems like I have hit almost the rock bottom of my insanity. My goody two shoes nature have been ditched and replaced by an emerging devil within. My wings of darkness have hardened and the are tearing through my skin, eagerly awaiting to flap and take me higher and higher. Love me or hate me doesn't matter anyway as I have chewed on pieces of horses and whales which were otherwise once my foremost abstinence. Designer "highs" are common for me I don't feel remorseful or responsible for anything anymore...my friends at least who will still accept me and guide me straight are welcome to stay but I doubt if anyone can ever convince me to stay.

It's just that today have been a rather rough patch and I can't explain it. Nothing actually happen but I was pissed and I wanted to do something so off the shelves are horses and whales in limited quantity. Looking at those bloodied pieces of meat, I could feel a rancid taste in my mouth and somehow I feel like a savage beast craving for fresh meat. Frown upon by my peers and also compelled by others from time to time, I took one last look at myself in the mirror and paid for my feast.

I shall not describe the taste, texture and consistency of the experience and also pay a little respect to my feast. Gracefully, the pieces of bloodied meat enter my mouth and disappear.

The Awakening

2008-03-09T15:08:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Cruising at 20km/h home this morning, I watched the golden sphere peeking slightly above the horizon. The air was fresh with a slight tint of cool moisture and the morning fog was easily visible. It was there that I actually recalled how I miss those times together and bitter memories flooded me along with the beautiful break of dawn. It was only 0600 hours in the morning and I am making my way back home.

The massive trance party last nite lasted all the way till 0500 hours in the morning. The thumping bass and the flanging electronica was over as I have grown emotionally attached to Sigur Ros. I am probably suffering from post Sigur Ros symptoms as I can't get the music outta my head. Try untitled #8 from the album ( ) which can be downloaded off their web free and you will know what I mean.

Last nite at the party, a single girl caught my attention but too bad she was attached. She had the most beautiful set of eyes, the most gorgeous set of sophistication and the most glamourous smile I have seen. No I am not hinting that I am falling for her but my admiration was ended abruptly as it's not feasible to even try to talk to her. You see, when you have a BF, and you stick to your gal buddies and remain hostile towards other guys, it not likely that you want to get hit on. Besides, I have grown over the years to observe and admire from far and evaluate how people react and behave to different stimuli and this of course is one of those many "experiment" that I conduct. Though her BF was not present, and that I got those information from a viable source, nonetheless, I was granted the honour to have a drink with her which had allowed me to push my research further.

Nope, totally futile to venture beyond any casual conversation as she was reluctant. Point taken, observation continued. And so throughout the whole night I was simply observing how she behave and react and the occasional glimpse of her smile which had amazingly put a smile across my face. Her name was Erika and she have lifted the my benchmark to observe God's marvelous creation at it's perfection. I will not settle for anything else now as such eye candy are hard to come by but when they do appear, you will know what I mean.

Sunken into a deeper state of depression, meals are irregular and I have the occasional acute pains in vital parts of my body. Sigur Ros's dark hopelandic tunes have fueled me further into my own imaginary world and I am really reluctant to turn back. A smile of calm and joy are depicted to everyone but here in this blog is what I am, away from everyone else where my world is not governed by anything else. In my own house tucked in the forests, I have awaken to be consume by the darkness that is crawling from the edges of my vision.

But there is this phrase that I have kept a secret for a long long time inside my head less the occasional mutter. Interpret it anyway you want it.

"If ever one day when you wake up and you find me standing in front of your front door with a bouquet of flowers, that will be the day that I shall grant you your wish."

Random Rants

2008-03-02T15:28:00.002+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.

Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.

It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.

So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.

Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.

Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.

Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.

Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit

お願い...

2008-02-25T11:15:00.004+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

今日僕は初めて授業で怒った。だが、生徒の前に怒っている顔をちょっと表した。そんな事僕は思い出したら気持ちが悪いだ。自分が何での質問はよく考えたね。実僕は悪くないと思えた。そんな授業でいつも規律がないだし、僕は完全論者だし、段々僕の怒りを集めたから今日は全部噴火した。しかし本当は怖くないと思えた、授業で変な雰囲気があっただけだ。

僕は３人違うの先生と一緒に英語を教えるだが、あの先生一人でだけと一緒の授業はいつも問題があった。理由はあの先生はとても優しいなだ。生徒たちはこのポイントをよく知ってたなら、授業で何でも自由にやった。僕は何度も何度もだめって言ってた、そんな先生もう変えなかった。その上、僕はメーン先生じゃなくて、できるの事はちょっとだけだ。

本当にお願いねXXX先生、もし僕たちは先生だたら生徒のためにもっともっと良くなってだろう。お前は良い先生と思うだけど、生徒はお前に尊敬していないだ。そんな先生と一緒の授業僕は興味がないだね。優しいと良い先生は全然違うの事だろう、もし生徒は先生に尊敬していないのばいは先生しないほうが良いと思う。これは僕の希望だけだ、それからどうすればお前よく考えてよ。

欲しいな物は...

2008-02-18T08:01:00.009+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

最初から僕は自分の夢のために、運命を作るのために、ずっとずっと追っている。いつも希望の光に走って、後ろの道を考えないので、それはとても昔だ。その時僕は一所懸命の事すごく嬉しいだから、夢と運命とか、全部もう美しいだろう。自分の世界に浸っているので、何も目に入らない。

それからいつかから僕はわからないので、あの日から僕は毎日毎日戦って戦って、夢のために？運命のために？さぁ...今はどうちのためにか？僕は真実の答えを捜す、段々疲れるになった。助けるのお願いを呼び上げた、ずっとずっと待ていた、誰にもう聞こえないので、誰にもう助けくれない。これから僕はひとつ事が解かった、人生で、世界で、僕一人でだけ自分の事を助けできるだけだ。それところか神様はよく見るだけ可も知れないけど、何もしないだろう。

可笑しいだよね、僕は最初から自信を持てた、全部の事すべて解かると思った。だって今はやっと解かる、美しいな夢と真実の夢は全然違うの物だ。もう遅いだな、時間を返らないでしょう、それから僕はどうすれば良いの？

Wings of Freedom

2008-02-14T07:36:00.004+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Finally after so long, you have decided to take the first step. A really important first step of your life that will probably allow you to redeem your freedom. These are your wings that I have clipped from the first day and each day I have waited to return them to you...I know that this day will come no matter what you may have said for eternity is nothing more than a myth that people make up to escape reality. Time is the only friend I believe that will reveal all truths.

Learning of your decision, I am feeling both happy and sad. Happy because you can walk your own path, have your own dreams and I am free from my own guilt. Happy because Time has once again proven my prophecy that eternity is a myth. Sad because I have lost my confidence to soar higher and I have to live independently in reality than my own perfect dreamworld. Sad because the fear of crashing will leave me with nothing in the end. But don't feel sorry or responsible because this is my path that I have chosen and I will have to live with it.

When I set you free once, you refused and you chose to walk in my shadows. I accepted it and at the same time, I ventured out to seek my destiny. Along the way, there were numerous setbacks and you were always there to nurse me back to health and boost my confidence. Slowly and little by little, you were eating away my independence as I was only willing to soar that high knowing that you will be there to catch me. As the table of fate turn against me, inevitably, I became the one walking in your shadows against my own will.

Now that you have finally decided to soar once again, I am really glad that you can have your your wings back. Too bad I can't be the person to catch you when you fall but from far away, I will be waiting to see you fly high up there for now it's my turn to learn to fly independently leaving your shadows. I have chosen my path from the start and so should you. Though we may be watching the same sunset in different places, I will be sincerely happy knowing that there is someone beside you to watch that sunset with you. For now, I have yet to find someone to watch that sunset with me and those beautiful memories will slowly fade away as I move on in my own adventure. It is here that I really really bade you the last farewell and say "Thank you for all these while but now it's your turn to dream and soar as high as you can."

- Wings of Freedom -
Tonight I go to sleep with a smile on my face.
And as the stars and the moon shine on me,
I will have the most beautiful dream in years.
For tomorrow I will wake up to greet the sun,
the earth and a brand new day.

Over the horizon and over the mountains,
from a far distance place I will watch.
For today there will be a bright rising star.
From my shadows you will emerge and soar,
Leave the darkness and seek your dreams.

This cage that have imprisoned,
These memories that I have kept,
This reality that I have denied,
and these wings that I have clipped.
I will give you wings of freedom.

Now it's your time to fly
New horizons and destiny awaits you.
Beautiful sunrise and sunset you will seek,
with a new face to take your hand
and walk you to the very end.

And so the story will end here,
with us writing our own adventure.
It will be a really long time,
before we complete our fairy tales,
Until then, I will smile watching you soar.

Humble Flumber

2008-02-08T11:24:00.001+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well it seems that pretty boy Edison was caught with his pants down along with a string of other females stars and seriously I will not start pointing fingers here. This has to be one of the most debated issues other than the U.S. Presidential race this 2008 simply because, it's human nature to crave for the extremes to fuel our own destruction. The eager minds to satisfy for that once in a life time view of God's perfect creation, the body in it's purest form and which fool will deny it given that it's from a celebrity? Well denial of it would be simply be turning in a hundred million dollars to the cops. Afterall, wasn't that curiosity the same one that banished Adam and Eve from Eden? Oh wait...or was it that curiosity that lead to the invention of the airplane?

There you go, a classic case of "What you reap is what you sow" or would Karma be a better word to represent the whole saga? It's up to you to decide your own course of action but it's the general masses that will prosecute your decision. Secret sex lifes of celebrities are so sought after by the media and the rest simply just prey on the media's scoop. As quoted in a certain article, Edison proclaimed that he likes taking pictures of his escapades and showing his conquests to a "selected" group of friends. Hmm...one will wonder the definition of "selected" in that statement and man man man, Edison, you sure have a huge ego. I sincerely salute you my man with a bold statement like that, it simply implies those pictures are nothing more than superfacial "trophies" to curb your insecure gratification.

A point to note here is that with over 1300 juicy photos in that computer, sending it to be repaired will be the greatest pitfall especially if I am someone of celebrity status. Wouldn't any logical common sense of even a retard with a measly 2% of sanity rationalise the situation? Alrite point taken, my man Edison, given the fact that I do respect you as much as I like your bad ass attitude, I would really suggest you spend a negative 200% of your fortune to take up some kindergarden computer class for idiots or at least to protect these vital infomation if you have an exclusive hobby than to buy a huge diamond stud.

Besides, given the supply and demand representation in economics and the influences of impactful news, if you do go long on this position if Edison's stocks does exists, I bet you would have made a huge kill overnight. Also since it's fairly easy to conclude that human nature is evil after all that spills from China, someone out there will continue to circulate and fan the flames despite Edison's plea on his blog.

Too bad, too sad and too glad that all those other souls have to suffer indirectly over this like Nic and Cecil, so let's see how time reveal the fragility of things to come.

Well since we are here on the topic on sex, scandals, lies, deceits, etc. I would like to recall a particular psychology lesson that I attended. My lecturer was debating the issue of sex with the class about how different societies and cultural values have influences on it. In fact in almost all cultures, sex is deem as a taboo subject but for Asians, this particular subject seems to have taken a huge beating that only allows it to surface underground. And the more it's being suppress, the probability of occurence is enhanced greatly but at the same time pushed further underground. Most older Asian values see sex as part of the following equations -

- The relationship between the 3 factors flow in a clockwise direction where one factor will lead to the other 2.

1. Marriage - > Sex - > Children

The most dominant classic view that the path is one directional with the flow of Marriage being the gateway to Sex which is the gateway to Children. However if you rearrange the flow keeping the fact that sex is solely for procreation, you will have -

2. Sex - > Children - > Marriage

which simply means that if you have sex (before marriage), you will have children which will ultimately lead to marriage.

3. Children - > Marriage - > Sex

This means that in any case if you have children (before marriage), then you have to get married to have sex.

However there are flaws in this restrictive view which if implemented may disrupt the relationship of the 3 factors. We shall not discuss that here for simplicity sake.

Here is another equation which I have found it relatively interesting...

Marriage = Sex + Children

Based on the above equation, Marriage will allow Sex and Children but
upon further inspection -

Sex = Marriage - Children,

which simply means that Marriage less Children will lead to tons of Sex and lastly,

Children = Marriage - Sex

which pretty much self-explanatory, Children means Marriage less tons of Sex.

Right on Edison, because thanks to you, the world including myself will have the God sent chance to "appreciate" the beauty of nature and feed our tardy little minds on some of the most gorgeous people on Earth.

My answer

2008-01-30T15:01:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Somehow after reading a fellow friend's blog, I recalled being asked once "What makes your girlfriend special?" by a certain girl and my answer ended her search for her perfect guy. Eventhough my answer to her question was simply my own humble interpretation of what I actually felt rather than fitting the question with a model answer, it was nonetheless the ONLY flawless answer to her.

The story goes that she had been seeking for her perfect guy based on their answers to this simple and harmless question but none of the guys which I presumed was numerous, had actually gave an answer that she wanted. A simple question it may seem but hidden in it was a whole list of criterias and indications of her perfect guy depending on each answer given.

Well what really makes my answer "flawless" was the fact that it did not center around a common mean like all other answers she had received. If the answers that she had collected had to be plotted on a random binomial distribution chart with the mean at 0, I guess my answer would have been undefined. However despite having a "flawless" answer, eventually I declined her even before she had a chance to "offer" me the position of a prospective boyfriend. My reasons were simple, an answer to a question was not sufficient to determine the criteria of a boyfriend. Naive as I thought and wilful as I presume were enough to enforce my stance.

Anyway the rest was history but the main of this post is "What exactly was my answer"? Since till date I have yet to find another guy who shares the same sentiments, I have hidden my answer in these crypted texts and numbers. If by any chance you can decipher it, drop me a comment.

「Water

X

1

1.5057713297637894632785381264218

e-10」

Grand-Führer

2008-01-25T14:56:00.001+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

「Grand-Führer - a Leader with astonishing visions that transcends across universe which are not bounded by the physical limitations of mere mortal. A believer, a dreamer and a visionary with exceptional charismatic traits that will charm millions and start revolutions. Closely equivalent to God's fallen angel, Lucifer, the Grand-Führer will eventually collapse with grace and be remembered forever as a tyrant that leaves a deep scar in history.
」

It is in this kind of inspiration that I draw my strength to tide the darkest hours of my life. But with each step I take, I sink deeper and further away from the Light. My lungs are getting pretty messed up with tabacco and the low temperature, my heart pounding irregularly and the short and acute pains are more frequent. Somehow I feel that the end is drawing near and yet there are so many things I have not accomplished. I am unconvinced.

I am not sure, I am uncertain and I am unmotivated. The infinite "What if" doubts that races thru my head are pretty unbearable as they all center around the end of time. I have hold up pretty well contemplating, whinning, suppressing and denying. But...how long can I keep up with both my mental and physical well being?

As I try to believe, dream and visualize, I realise that I am nowhere close to where I really wanted to be. I have got part of my dreams now and yet I am unhappy and struggling but with what? Time? Existence? Reality?

I am disappointed with people and myself, I am in love with people and myself and I am in denial with people and myself. Reality is not real and dreams are not clear, voices are not heard and faces are not seen. What is really going on and how can I make sanity out of this insanity that I am experiencing?

I laugh I talk I eat and I go to work like a normal person who complys with society but inside me, I am experiencing different personalities. I laugh I talk I eat and I rationalize with my other self and it's not all weird if you become accustomed to such lifestyles.

Phase shift

2008-01-11T13:59:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -[

On this special day which I have reaffirmed my existing footprints on Mother Earth, I have survived a decade plus 7 years of highs and lows. But it is here that I must spit my repressed suffocation.

Given up I have, a santuary of immerse beauty, bundle of joys, rivers of sweetness and fields of abundance. Presented in front of me were platters of unforgivingly sinful food each day and I had nothing to worry. I had my own kingdom, lead a blissful life and was envied by many. A snap of my fingers would get things done and it was the most incredible santuary I had ever lived in. However it reached a plateau where I woke up from a terrible nightmare to realise that I had a prophecy to fulfill.

Then I realised that if it's all too good to be true, then it really isn't. I wanted very much to see the truth, the REAL nature that this sacred santuary have to offer and it was then I sought new adventures. I wanted to see what the other side of the forest and did not want to believe the beauty that existed before me. I was blinded by GREED and CURIOUSITY and so I embarked on my journey.

Days passed followed by months and finally years, I have ventured well beyond the forest on "the other side", I have experienced new gardens that wanted to lock me in like the sacred santury. I was not at all surprised. I did spend some time resting in various gardens so as to continue my journey but I never really let them imprisoned me.

In the very end, I am still walking down this road to seek what the new lands in my prophecy have to offer but more often than usual, I simply missed those days laying in those tender gardens and yearn for the carefree life in the sacred santuary. Despite travelling along side time, some gardens have already withered and disappeared but 1 thing is definitely for sure and that's the sacred santuary will always be beautiful, lush and forgiving awaiting my return to rule the kingdom.

My quest will continue but I do not know where I will stop...

Prerogative

2007-12-07T07:54:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

To coin the phrase "To err is human", one will probably be seeking the path to either making amends or to justify the misdeeds. However, I feel that the phrase is ambiguous in representing either of the paths as it strongly emphasize the pespective of the wrong doer which clearly neglect the victim's pespective. Therefore I feel that since there is always a counter balance on the other end, there should be a second part of the phrase which will otherwise complete the full meaning.

"To err is human and to forgive, divine." should be the complete phrase as one can see that the wrong doer is clearly seeking forgiveness from the victim by not only admitting the misdeed but also praising the victim's benovelence and kindness. Well, eventhough the clear intentions of the wrong doer is not known, given the benefit of doubt, let's simply hypothesize that the intention is good for clarity sake.

As compare to the 1st phrase, the second phrase sounds sincere and polite by indirectly seeking forgiveness by praising the victim which implies that the wrong doer has taken the feelings of the victim into consideration. Whereas the 1st phrase sounds more like an excuse to justify one's misdeed and demand forgiveness from the victim instead of repenting. It implies a skewed, self-centered perspective which neglects the victim's feelings.

With respect to the above hypothesis, and in a twist of unexpected events, it seems that my previous benovelence had paid off. Well not that I am sure if it was simply a favour returned or is it a genuine gesture of friendship, I do not spend much effort to doubt either possibilities. I simply ride them like a wave and adjust accordingly. One's prerogative is never define by any measures, let alone a few words and paragraph. For now, I simply wait for more good tidings to come for the festive period.

Moulting of myself

2007-11-26T07:11:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

The process of shedding myself by emerging from within, a totally new me leaving behind a complete cast of my old self in a opaque, ghastly yellow resin. Yes I am going through this right now. Part of it must be attributed to the sudden denial of being alone in a new place and the abscence of a soulmate. The recent discovery of songs from Ozaki Yutaka which greatly inspired Nic Tse when he was studying music in Japan accelerated the proccess. Ozaki's Forget Me Not cover by Nic was deemed too depressing by China and so were some of his other songs. These songs seems to grip me real hard to the extent that they actually lead me into a state of depression feeding solely on the songs like a drug. Angst ridden, death, dispair and disappointment are offered by the songs and with that, I have walked into a endless tunnel of conflicting thoughts.

Somehow I felt the strong guilt of missing someone real bad. Not anyone in particular but just a random someone which occasionally retrieved past memories. I guessed I need to fill the void in my life. It's definitely unexpected when I thought I had it all going strong, I felt like I was loving every second of it and doing just fine, adjusting, adapting and enjoying. Then it came, pretty sudden but yet with just once swift decisive blow, I was struck down and severely crippled. I my limping, half staggering stance, I forced myself to moult and dump the old cast.

I knew I had to grit my teeth and get it over and done with as that's my only shot at survival. So in the midst of it, I am just trying to regain my composure and focus my concentration. Random relapses are unhealthy and given that no diagnostics are accurate, self administered relievers are erratic and may cause serious hallucinations. Absinthe would definitely be a potent alternative over pot.

I miss you and I would really like to hold you in my arms again.

Reminiscence

2007-10-22T19:21:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

After being introduced the Japanese drama densha otoko (電車男) sometime ago, I managed to obtain a free copy while working here in Japan. The synopsis of it, I shall skip...but to put it simply, the warm tender love in the drama amidst the wacky humour have made me find myself in love again. Longing for long walks in the park, malls, etc holding someone's hand and the little affectionate hugs and kisses...

I really feel like falling in love all over again...the drama warmed my heart and the the tender loving affectionation melted my soul. Yep, I almost teared watching the drama...it's really really sweet. So taking a walk down memory lane, I recalled all the wonderful moments in my life where I was so in love with another person. Everything seems to be perfect when love is in the air...

Then a jolt of pain-striken lightning will flash, piercing my heart with the cruel reality...no beginning, there will never be an end. So no love to start, to tears to weap in the end. No expectations, no disappointments. I woke up realising how fragile love is and how vulnerable I was. I longed to be love and yet I choose to deny it knowing the consequences...

Until the day the person I am waiting appear, let love not hurt me but protect me.

I wished I had my Psychology textbooks

2007-10-19T12:58:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Right here right now, time and again, I really wished I had my Psychology textbooks. The reason is because reading them and then understanding them would allow me to have a clearer pespective as to how people generally like to maintain an impression and how people generally like to project themselves to others positively. More often than usual, people would project WHAT THEY WANT OTHERS TO SEE than what others will see them.

Using this analogy, it's better to keep your profile low as the lesser the other party knows about you, the easier it is to paint an impression you want them to believe. In other words, people who know you inside out are more likely to catch you lying than those who do not. This way, if you start your life in a new place with everyone as strangers, you can fit yourself in as positively or as negatively as you would like. That is of course if you do not err and let the realy truth out.

It's an extremely complex and dangerous weapon to wield and more often than not, you will end up hurting yourself and will be forced to relocate to another place. Reading through the pages of my Psychology notes, understanding the philosophy behind and the various theories, a lot of voids are easily cleared up leaving only the final refining of thoughts who clearly explains everything, literally.

Having absorbed a chuck of knowledge from Psychology lessons, I tried applying the theories to my life and surprising, it works not to mention on certain occasions, I did obtain a desirable outcome. It's really not hard trying to create and then maintain the facade one would like to project, just remember that if you din't stray far from the real you, you can't go wrong. Of course filtering out the undesirable image or information that serves as the basis of the entire impression projection theory, is a good way to start, along the way the careful and tedious task to selecting the "right" info to screen is even more crucial.

After the initial set up is done, one should harness all forms of concentration to focus on only 1 single point, Impression Management.

Revelations...but from who.

2007-10-19T12:33:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Recently I seem to have sunken into a deep, vast amorphous space of thoughts. Almost everynight, with an Ice Mint Marlboro cancer stick popped snugly between my fingers, I sat leaning against my bed, fully kitted with sweaters and snowboarding jackets, I simply stoned there for a good amount of time. Although my central sensors are still functioning and I am fully aware of my surrounding, my cognition was splited into 2 halves. 1 for keeping my animalistic instincts of survival, the other one just wondered deeper into an ocean of thoughts to seek something.

Sometimes even when I am asleep, sub-conciously I wonder far away like being sucked into a huge black hole...but in the midst of all these, I could sense that something is waiting to be discovered. What could it be...an answer, the truth, an omen? I do not know, but this morning after I hit the snooze button on my clock, the short 30 minute slumber attacked my sub-conscious cognition and I was abruptly awoken by my room mate. It was then I realised that I had overslept and was late for work. Washed up and got changed in an amazingly insane record of 10 minutes compared to the usual 30 minutes, I grabbed my breakfast and ate en route to work.

Munching away my little blueberry buns while driving, bits and pieces of the revelation a while ago flashes thru and I could feel exactly like in the revelation. It's pretty frightening but I simply shrug the thought to the back of my head. Sometime ago I did posted a similiar post regarding this issue, and I think now, though not as often, the mental relapse are getting more intense with erratic occurences. What is going on...what or who is trying to tell me something?

Is it the mountains around me or is it the woods behind my house? Is it the food or is it my past? Sanity is failing me and anxiety is growing gradually with paranoia looming around the corners. I just hope this wild array of distorted thoughts are not going to explode exponentially into infinity.

My mind is weak, I could sense it...if it's really true that someone or something above the clouds or beneath the earth wants to possess my vulnerable mind, I will not give in without a fight. Never!

Shame

2007-10-18T07:55:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Sometimes I really wonder if it's all worthwhile to go the extra mile even for a nano hassle for some people who label themselves as "Friends". These people will be really really nice, working and having fun, parties and maybe even have girlfriends. The are so likable and tend to do really well in social networking.

However, they will bare their fangs at the slightest monetary dispute, and project how pathetic their lives are, among all other factors. At times, they will disappear unknowingly for a indefinite period of time and then only to surface when they need help, clearly forgetting that they had broken all the rules of engagement prior.

Haven't these people any shame or the slightest guilt? Not even an apology, redemption or whatsoever to patch or even mend the broken situation and yet they have the cheek to surface and request for assistance. I seriously doubt the thought of redemption even cross their "busy" minds. They would not even realise that they had actually treaded on an extremely fine line much less, being at fault.

I am utterly disgusted simply because they chose to bare their fangs only after numerous years of established and prudent relationship. Why not the beginning I wondered...and yet the answers will always remain a mystery.

I was pissed initially but in the end, I still choose to go the extra mile to help them hoping that they will realise the vulnerable fraternity. I deliberately left my name behind to see if my efforts were appreciated. Well, I know my answers will come in a matter of time, if not, there...such an illutionary facade will probably be better off without as I really find it extremely tiring and uncomfortable to keep up.

General hypothesis of people and their actions

2007-10-16T19:33:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

The general consensus between 2 person or more, in the abscence of constraints like blood ties and hereditary factors versus their actions can be attributed or represented by a simple normal distribution graph with a mean of 0 and a variance of 1. While the Y axis represent the extreme exponential (capped) tolerence of the extent a normal person will sacrifice his / her actions for another person, reflected by a positive relationship on the right side of the mean, and a negative relationship on the left side of the mean. The correlation between the 2 variables on the X and Y axis respectively can therefore be interpreted as the general relationship of people and the extent to which they would react, sacrifice or choice of action to take with direct reference to the Y variable to either assist, or to benefit both positively and negatively.

This relationship is best illustrated by the following example. 2 person with a relationship of a max variance of 1, either friends, acquaintances, or intimately linked, and the extent to which they will commit and accomplish a request, not necessary amounting to a demand, from the other party. Accordingly to the graph, the trigger to measure the correlation is not the actual relationship between the 2 person but rather the extenxt that they will go to determine the correlation. In short, it's not the mental proximity of 2 person that determines to what extent they would sacrifice themselves for the other person. but rather the other way round.

The choices that one make, the sacrifices and the commitment will be the most influential factor to determine how much this person weighs the relationship with the other person.

This is also a probable indicator although not actually proven or disproven, to test who your actual friends are. I have apparently come up with this hypothesis after allocating and then from subsequent observation from how people who you call friends can cook up with a relatively indepth excuses to cover themselves for not being able to complete a simple task that was previously assigned to them. Despite the fact that these people will actually affirm their competency and will remind you numerous times that they will get the task done. That's because they simply knew at that instance that I would be of great use to them sometime in the future which literally implies that the equilibrium of the general consensus between 2 people was already skewed from that instance. While I clearly assigned a task based purely on trust and respect for this person to get it done, it is clear that no one else gets it simply because of the paramount importance I put on both the task and to the person assigned.

It's only when the other person realised that he or she have alternative options to get what he / she wants and I have simply slipped down on the priority scale, that's when I realised that the relationship held with this person have to be reviewed since I knew the task that I have assigned have slip to the tail end of the distribution graph. This implies that I no longer should be bothered with any negligible relationship with this person since a simple task to be done can generate so much outcomes which none of them would be dispersed anywhere near the mean of the graph.

On the other hand, there are some people, when assigned simple tasks, generate intense and irratic results which is dispersed around the mean. This simply implies that the extent to which these people will take to accomplish a task given, clearly indicates that they do weigh the correlation between 2 people significantly. These people will always seem bland and will not actually impress but the results they generate are usually astonishing.

The above observation and test results have allowed me to compose a renew and clearer understanding of which friends to keep, and to what extent I would go for them.

As for the rest who are so good at cooking up excuses, go fuck yourself.

Lost in dreams

2007-10-04T08:30:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It seems like I have got what I wanted...my dream to be in Japan after working my ass off for so long since the day I decided to pursue it and not let anything or anyone stop me. It started out with a neutral cause, no evil intentions or good reflections, just a plain simple cause to leave a depressing place of sorrows to a new place, a new start and a new beginning of a new book of my life, closing the old book with the last of the chapters dedicated to spiritual healing of the mind and soul.

Indeed, I have come a long way from where it all started and I have witnessed and experience events that may have eventually altered my destiny. But the past, it had always haunted me and no matter how hard I tried, I could never break free from the chains shackled to my ankles, the chains of despair, angst and hate. So along this ardous path to seek my destiny, people along the way which I have come into contact with, some vanished and leave the slightest trail while a handful few, leave a permanant mark, forever etched into my soul, following me till the end. I have burn and I have hurt, but it`s the only way to protect my soul and it seems that only one, outta of the many could see this and gladly sacrifice for my cause. This is noble but naive as well, but the promises made before and the choices made after have put me to shame and guilt and at times regret my actions. These series of events would have significance impact on my decisions and ultimately, alter my destiny.

Gripping by a complex network of unsorted and unsolicited informations flowing thru my head, I couldn`t help but execise restrain and also refrain from bereaking down, so more often than usual, I would inject nicotine and alcohol into my bloodstream just to temporary stabilise my mental equilibrium. But soon, the heavily skewed past clearly outweighs the future and so I knew I had to set my priorities right, like not losing track of where I had first started and also to reach my dreams at all cause.

And so despite a lot of essential influences, I stood by my dreams and so that sort of explains why the hell I am in Japan now. The truth is that I really liked it here and maybe it`s only the beginning but I am sute I would love every second of it for a long time to come. Let`s just say that I was indeed overwhelmed with enthusiasm even before I come to Japan and I was so fucking sure it would not died out...yeah, the ever growing appeal that Japan has to offer. Well for me, being in this new place is really a blessing since I badly wanted a new place to start my life. Not having people who have known me for so long to judge me or to put up with my nonsensical blatant and rude behavior, abide to my biddings and unruly snobbish ideas and also to leave behind my disgusted, despised and angst-ridden life.

Well since I know myself too well than anyone else, I know it would be hard to change my rowdy ways, but I will definitely restrain from getting into silly stints to get deported back to Singapore which I was born and bred and which I upmostly detest. Not that I detest the country in general, but it`s the people and the attitude that I hate...I leave it to your imagination. Simply to put it bluntly, I do not want to die and then reincarnate to lead a new life, that`s all too troublesome so I chose the easier road to redemption, at least for my own redemption which I would only have to answer to my own actions. Fuck the rest and what they think, I am selfish and I am ass so let me be the way I am...too bad `cos the "others" should just mind their own business. Bloody fuckers...imposing on others and leeching information to propagate...FUCK you assholes.

Alrite, getting too carried away there. Japan seems to be the only one place that I want to be in and living despite a lot of controversies surrounding it. Heck the rest, for most are just putting me down since they can`t be here and I seriouslly doubt if they really had my interest at heart...BULLSHIT, they are just jealous they can`t do it so they want to discourage my by fanning false justifications. Well once again, too bad for I am here in Japan living fantastically as the job is everyones` ideal job, pretty good pay with exceptional slack working hours and those idiots are still living in the shit hell hole and slogging their sorry asses off.

But somehow it`s surprising that now that I am here for close to 2 months, I seem to have hit a dead end...No no dun get me wrong for I am still loving every second of it but I kinda needed a new boost of exitement which I am still seeking, maybe a hot Japanese chick would do the trick but I really doubt it...I can`t seem to mould or visualise this weird ever changing form of mass that is messing with my sanity. It`s a feeling that you feel that something is missing in your life and yet you couldn`t find what is that exact thing that you are searching after fitting in possible candidates from your all time wishlist. Hot Japanese girlfriends, money, cars, toys, ice hockey, sex, cigarettes, booze, porn, dogs, etc... I have tried fitting almost all of the possible options to make sense of the weird shape but in avail. Sub-consciously I feek that I am getting pretty close to solving the mystery but reality just distant me from the truth.

Not to worry too much but these days, I just let the random relapse pass and not really putting in much effort to make sense of it. I have much more important matters to attend to...like sleep, play around with my sweet MacBook, my car, etc...

In summary, I guessed I have fulfiled a part of my many insane dreams which many would have thought that it`s impossible as all they ever do is contemplate and whine. Unlike me, I knew I was gonna to dream and yet live my dreams so after years of planning and working my ass off for it, I get there. So if you want to dream, better make sure you live if, otherwise why bother. Well, literally I was inspired significantly by the Guiness ad that ran on TV for a while featuring Adam King with the taglines, "If someone gotta do it, why not let it be you" and those phrases accompanied with my own, "If not here, where? If not now, when? and if not you then who?" principles, I must admit I have a little, yeah just a little achievement for the record.

And so lastly, I am still constantly dreaming about many other things only to be too intensely drawn into it and then find myself lost somewhere.

Adios...

Tolerence

2007-09-26T10:10:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It may be true that I have actually fulfilled a part of my dreams but then again sometimes, negative aura will embrace me wherever I go. Maybe I am just used to being an asshole and so shits just unload themselves on me like it`s a norm. Fortune telling stuffs which I have absolutely no faith in, much less believe in their nonsense seems to tell me I will have ample cash, which is BULLSHIT I say. The crash that I had a little while ago, left me with superfacial grazes but the amount that I am paying for repairs are FUCKING insane.

Yep no doubt it`s my fault but paying that kinda of unjustified money is just not right. I am simply burning away heaps of money even before I get them. FUCKING liability and FUCKING unlucky...FUCKING BASTARDS!

My faith and my obsession are still holding on fine despite all these recent incidents to bring me down and so once again, my tolerence are undefined. No limits to set so no limits to break.

Eventhough while all these crazy shits are spilling all over the place, along comes an ASSHOLE waiting to get his retard FUCK FACE reconstructed. No don`t get me wrong here but I am not the only one against him...my Boss hates him and not to mention previous AETs therefore clearing tagging FUCK FACE as a public enemy.

Not only did Mr. FUCK FACE slander me with unfounded blasphemy, he stabbed me in the back repeatedly while putting on a false front. Well I do have a rather prestige admiration for Japanese in general, Mr. FUCK FACE here just landed his sorry ass into my Death Note (pun intended).

Damn life ain`t as smooth sailing as it seems but...I will pull through.

Dissection

2007-08-30T17:05:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well today, I taught the students in my school in the abscence of another teacher...which is pretty fun. However in the midst of the day, I realised how much the students had actually loved my prescence in the school and regained all the lost popularity. They looked up to me, greet me with so much enthusiasm and most were just eager to smile and wave frantically at me. So this is where all the weird hormones start to disintegrate and my sanity slowly disappearing.

I thought to myself...back then it all started with one, yes JUST one reason, to leave for a place and start a new beginning where no one is there to judge me or know about my past. So here I am right here right now in my presumed "sacred" and "untainted" sanctum...where everyone look upon me as being God-sent, and everything that they ever wanted was or wished was persent in me, people complimented on my looks. intellengence, capabilities, etc and overlook all the flaws...I am just concerned that all these uncanny limelight status that I am getting here in a remote village famous for rice will never be present in Singapore and will never befall on me when I am in Singapore...not in a million light years.

Most folks here are so down to earth, no fence surrounding the schools, no need to lock up houses when you go out...yes the people here are so cohesive and yet most accomodating to foreigners, humbly welcoming them in open arms. It's truly amazing...and definitely not possible in big cities. Seeing these folks and the ever sweet students makes me wanna stay here for a long time, escaping the much dreaded city life and constant paper chase. Money and luxury or a life here, well the answer is pretty obvious...

Somehow all these beautiful occurences around me is making me a little weary as all good things will come to an end is a philosophy that I lead my carefree life with. So pondering this much untainted place that I have seek from the start, I am afraid of history repeating itself here...and that will my past come back to haunt me smashing my much beautiful dream here. No I really dun want any of that happening here...no I really dun want my beautiful dreams that have kept me alive for so long to be ruin....no way. I want to continue to believe that this IS the place to be, to start my life new, to leave behind all the filth that have rooted in me. So once again battling the sweet innocent calm before the storm, and the aftermath that the storm is about to bring, I really dun know what to do...

Will I still be living in my little sweet dream utopia shielded by my own imaginary bubble or will the time comes where I can not harness my concentration anymore and letting the bubble burst...only to crumble and succumb to detest, angst and hatred, once again seeking a new land, a new place to conquer, then plunder and torch everything...*sigh* Well life's a journey so the story will only be told along the way, not now, but in the future...

So while the never ending conflicts of my cognition rages on, a little consolation today help ease me up a little...while I headed to a supermart near my place to grab some croquettes for my dinner, the cashier checked me out...which is pretty cool and I felt good...well she's the kinda girl that's average but the type that most guy's parents would love and adore when they meet her...Yep she totally check me out...stealing glances at me...haha

Yeah I did blasted most of my much deserved cash thatI brought here on the camera, just to save a hundred SG dollars on the train tickets, now I am literally skiving on cash spent on everything, meals especially. Darn, so a little trip to the supermart, a couple of croquettes that's less than ¥200 and some rice with curry sauce or some seasoning would settle my dinner. See cos I have to save up for a winter jacket, warm clothes, and a hell lotsa other stuffs in the next couple of months...and NOPE i am definitely not and probably never will regret that I bought the camera...I LOVE MY CAMERA, which is getting the same amount of affection as my MACBOOK...*smooch* I love the both of them...

Derek Ho Si Qiu...see you again in God`s Sanctuary

2007-08-27T14:08:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It`s weird...really really weird...like a sign, or pure coincidence...I really dont noe. Went online today while I am in school...checked my hotmail add and found out that Junrong had left me a comment in Friendster. Went to check friendster and while waiting for it to load, read some news off Channel News Asia site...didnt really go into the details except that someone had died in a marathon event. And so when the friendster page fully loaded, I saw "New Messeges" and I happily clicked it.

The contents of the messege was from Cindy, one of my poly mate...and she wrote Derek have left us this morning. So immediately I "Alt Tab" the keys to switch back to the news page and there was his name, Ho Si Qiu.

Derek was the name he was known to us and he was a fellow poly mate from the next class. Though I do not know indepth about him, still he was someone that I had went out with, dine in school and crash at parties with. Jesus...I uttered to myself as Derek was the second guy from that class to pass on. The first was Wei Liang who left abruptly due to a bike accident some years back and now Derek, whose sudden departure was totally uncalled for. He didnt smoke and I do not remmeber him living off alcohol and he`s definitely not a junkie. He was pretty healthy and fit...and smart too. So still today, I wonder why does God have to summon those talented and young people to his sacred santuary so often...I really have absolutely no idea and I will probably never be able to get my answer in this lifetime.

Go in peace but remember Derek, you will never fade away and till we see each other again in God`s santuary. Yeo I know it`s sucky to have people whom I have not met in a while leaving one after another...where people who should have been taken off and have no reason be even given life to walk on Earth are still roaming around, committing henious and unforgivable crimes.

Where the hell is justice and fairness where they fatous legacy are nothing more than mere words...

Good people die young and that phrase seems to have a deeper implication that just simple words.

I cannot explain and express the amount of condolences that I have for all those love ones around Derek but to say to them, "Perhaps God really had better use for him up there and it`s never goodbye but rather till we meet again someday, somewhere..."

It`S funny how living people all around have always taken the things around them for granted and only when they lose it, then they learn how to treasure it. To all my friends going to Derek`s wake, God bless and so sorry I cant be there to send him off his final journey...from the bottom of my heart, I am really happy that I still have those memories with Derek to accompany me till I meet him again.

See you again Derek...

Cavern of Solitude

2007-08-15T16:04:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

While I am settling in to fit into my new life here in Japan, my constant updates on the other blog seems to cater to only the joyful facade. Here once again, I can rest and spat the other side of me or rather the real side of me, untamed, untainted and raw.

Well seem like I am really living my dreams now since I had always wanted to come here. But now that I am here, a lot of emotional changes have been going...which have resulted in a cognitive shift. Somehow time and again, I eat the words that I spew before with so much confidence...but rite now I am lookng back at the things that I`ve always taken for granted and the pampered life that I have led. I was so confident back then that I would have absolutely no regrets or whatsoever...but...things are really different rite now.

No dun get me wrong...I am not regretting anything and I am definitely not questioning my own beliefs and actions...It`s just that I tend to find myself closer to what I really wanted in life and also look at things from a different angle and treasure everything around me. I am just thinking...all these distortions in my head is like my brain going through a rather detailed "defragmentation" to cleanse up the filth that have been accumulating in there all these years. But I guess I`d be alrite...

Being born a Singaporean, I live with my parents all these years and that meals and soiled clothes are always taken care of by my mum. Food is always ready and even if it`s not, within a vicinity of 1 km radius from my house, I have like more than 10 food joints. Well now that I am here in Japan, I really have to live off myself...I am still in the midst of figuring out how to do laundry, cook my meals and stuffs, which are literally things that I have seriously taken for granted. So being independent is the only way I can survive. As compared to my American counterpart, Grant, he`s probably much better off. Well that`s the thing...Singaporean are so pampered thy really do not know what it is to live aboard. Most are just too comfortable to give up and risk everything but others would probably never last more than 2 months.

For me, it`s probably due to me obsession with Japan and all the other stuffs that memerized me that is helping me do fine though. But then again if I had a chance to travel back in time, I`d still have chosen this path. Stepping out and see the world and experience a whole new horizon while giving up everything back home...it`s definitely worth it, every minute, every second of it. Ultimately it just boils down to adjustment and getting used to it. Since no one is born an adult and everyone starts from infancy, I am darn sure it`s just a matter of looking optimistic and make everyday a fun, new day with new lessons and experience.

Food here is Japan is not an issue especially since I LOVE Japanese food. They have lotsa readily available food joints around. Other than the normal convenient stores that litter the city, take away Bentos and other stuffs are easily available. But the thing is that the new place that I will be going to...it`s way up into the woods and I have to travel on my little motorbike for at least 10 minutes at 30km per hour just to get to the main street where the food and convenient stores are.

Well, I really wished I had someone I knew from Singapore to share this whole new experience with me and carve out a niche here in Japan but unfortunately, there is none who is willing to hold on to their dreams and not stop till they reached it. Many of my dear friends have just too many reasons to hold them back but ultimately it`s their decisions and their life. I too have reasons to hold me back but I really didn`t want to give up my dreams for anything, anyone.

Feel so much better pouring out all these thoughts...

Fret not, I shall not neglect this little space where I ripped open my skin and show my real soul.

See you around...

New Blog Site

2007-07-26T12:16:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Hey peeps...I will start an Official Blog Site exclusive for my days in Japan. it's at http://dunstopdreaming.blogspot.com so do drop by there if you want any updates on me when I am in Japan. Well this site will still be around with my usual obnoxious rants about everything and anything, straight unfiltered.

So if you want a little smoothing on the eyes and mind, visit my other blog, incorporated purely for Japan Days.

It's CONFIRMED!

2007-07-20T16:10:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

As of 3.21pm, July 2007, I am going to JAPAN. my position there is CONFIRMED! I will be going there to work. It's a 1 year contract thingy but I'll probably be there for more than a year...well u people noe me. I am a sucker for Japan and this chance that GOD have given me implies that I have to fulfill my dream.

I am speechless now, overwhelmed with anxiety and totally clueless about this new direction that I am heading. Yeah it's was a dream all this while but now that it actually came true I am really lost.

Anyway I will probably try to update so that everyone's post on what's going on.

Shed some light...some hope and some faith

2007-07-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Aniticipation, luck and maybe faith...well since Momo's departure, my obsession with Japanese have developed into a final stage tumor. This desperation have driven me to surpass my own cerebral concentration that seeks to find the optimum remedy.

Sending out tons and tons of emails to various schools on the net to land myself a job in Japan. Gloom from the start but the goal was clear...so had a couple of replies but mostly were negative. And then got 2 positive ones and I got in touch with one of them. This one looks promising yet I am not putting my last dollar on it...always expect the unexpected. Had a conversation with someone via phone last week and she was pretty surprised at my accent and my command of the language. Found out that outta 100+ applicants who applied for the job, I was 1 of the 10 shortlisted candidates.

Well, she claimed she liked my attitude and stuffs and she said she would strongly recommend me...*wink* tat's a consolation I'd guess. So haven't got any reply from her since I wired her my university's result. Got pretty paranoid so sent her a email on Monday and well, was almost gonna call her today but she replied today with these excerpts,

"We are still thinking ALT final decision.
I recomend you very much, but just two Japanese teachers hope someone has English teaching experience over one year.
Can you wait for a littlebit more?
I am sure I can tell you the result soon.
How much can you understand Japanese?
And Do you think if you teach at both of the Junior high and elementary school, is it all right?
The elementary school which this ALT teacher goes, is resistered as a model English School this time.
So it is very important work.
Maybe I will ask you to call me again soon."

Now not to get all my hopes high, but that's simply a glimmer of hope to my otherwise "GTO" wannabe dreams. Ha..WHOOOOOOOOO...way to go!!!!

Another reason for being rather paranoid is that I have to confirm the airline tixs for my scheduled Japan Backpacking Tour (JPT) in Dec. Initially was gonna get everything settled with Jireh but he's back in Aussie. Since he's equally as earnest as me to visit "Paradise" Japan, I fell obligated to resolve all issues before he comes back here in Nov. Well, he's like really in to this tour thingy and I have to fail him not.

God's workings probably be weaving magic for me if all goes smooth. This morning was greeted by a heavy downpour which drenched my rain jacket, my pants and my bag. I have never felt better. SOAKED on the outside, yet warmth embraced my heart and my love for the rain's even more now. Was freezing my ass wrapped in drenched pants working from morning till noon and I say I haven't felt better in years. GOD I LOVE RAINY DAYS!

Seriously it's like the first time the rain soaked my rain jacket. Had a nice pair of Timberlands from Japan to keep my feet dry and the Carhartt jac to keep my shirts dry. Now it's just missing out on the pants part so would probably invest in a pair of Burton's snowboarding pants (Thighs warmers included!).

So here's the inconsistent rants...fun in the rain, pun in the sun!

2007-07-10T15:39:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Songs and yes these voices of angels that seems to have miraculous effects, bringing tears, memories and joy. Right now happen to be grooving to songs that have splendid lyrics, fantastic tunes and meaningful stories. Not in the mood to spin too much but anyway here's the list:

1. Never let you go - Janice
2. Would you be there - Ken Chong
3. 变换装束 - Wax
3. Still - Crystal Kay
4. Goodbye days - Yui
5. Love is... - Miliyah Kato
6. Love Story - melody.
7. Because I'm a girl - Kiss
8. Don't cry - Naked
9. Goodbye - Janice
10. First Love - Utada Hikaru
11. Let me die - Nicholas Tse

Work is pretty boring these days as there is nothing much left to do in the office. Boss pops by once in a while since he's on leave and I'm still contemplating if I can get the job in Japan. Got selected amongst 100 entries to teach English in Japan. Was talking to Kakegawa San over the phone and she said something like they are not really looking for someone really experience but rather someone with positive and fun. Well she wanted me to fly to Japan for an interview but I told her I can't as I got a full time job here. Well I am not really sure if the conversation over that long distance call was worth it. I am just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that I'd get the job. Trust me...I am on one hell of a path, plotting and scheming with every nerve and cell in my still-functioning body to land my ass in Japan and work there. The obsession used to root into my central vertebrate complete overriding my cerebral senses. Now it's just a full fledge 3 stage tumor that can never be remove...it's as good as putting a bullet thru my head if the tumor is to be removed. I have chosen amongst all odds and options and it's this path...there is no wrong about it. Yeah it will be tough initially but what isn't...

Amongst all others that I might feel a little reluctant to forsake, my parents, my friends, and probably you Eve...who have stood by myside all these while without a slightest complain. Thank You...

That is IF.....and IF I do get the job. Can't really do much on this one as luck is definitely not within my control and perhaps God's will...

Traffic Police New Toy - Unmarked Yamaha FJR1300

2007-07-05T10:26:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well this might be a little late but stumbling over someone's blog this morning had me scruffling to get these pics up...

Yep these mean menacing wolves are out on the prowl. Rumours has it that these are out there chewing on tails off any illegally-mod cars, bikes, etc. Other rumours claim that they will be used for VIP related stuffs. Well nothing have been confirmed so to err on the right side of the law and to salvage the limited wad of notes in out pockets, better be on the look out for these new TOYS.

FJR1300...means a FUCKING 1.3 litre engine bike and that's almost equivalent to a Hayabusa. Man...that's where the tax payers' money is going! To rake in more "innocent" money from us poor folks...Ha guess like the GST bonus package indeed have a "recurring" effect as year after year, those crucial couple of months before NDP is like mass genocide. Innocent folks get their hard-earned money "robbed" and back it goes to those up there.

These dangerous couple of months are like a insane bloodbath so the best way is to share the ride on a public trnasport. Unless money is not an issue, I probably would not want to risk my Japan Tour Funds for any other ridiculous reasons.

Dust clouds my incompetent mind

2007-07-04T10:56:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

In the past, well I would usually be courteous and give way to others, give up my seats to someone who needs it more than I do. That's alrite because I was happy, I had the world held up so real and so promising in front of me. I had actually believe that everything was going so smoothly and I was practically floating on a cushion of dreams that sort of "immunizes" me against anything negative.

Yesterday and today was a totally different reflection of my otherwise "complete" and positive outlook of life. I chose to stare rather than to smile and appreciate. In the trains, those who have worn frail with the hands of time hoping for a kind soul to offer a seat, I chose to stare them right in the eye with the slightest displeasure than to offer the seat. Even those with young infants in their hands, slogging thru the masses of bodies were not spared. I chose to simply stare them in the eyes showing disgust and sacarsm thru the exchanges of eye contact.

No I do not have a death wish sub consciously but rather, I wasn't motivated to do anything. I can't rationalize and evaluate the situations effectively. When a mere thought of offering my seat came to mind, it just move on and the next thing I know, I was staring into space and admiring the emptiness admist the crowd wondering what had just flashed across my mind. My reflexes and agility have greatly be incapacitated and yet I remain calm and my body remains stable.

Yesterday on the way home, the train suddenly halted just after leaving a station and people around me who were not holding on to something stable just crash and fall. I merely took one step to stabilize myself and I continued to groove to the music churning out from my PSP without the slightest interest in the cause of the sudden halt. Well, seems like everyone around me both inside and outside the train were all too concern with what's going on. Silly me stoned there like a rooted ancient tree still staring into emptiness. After the commotion was over, the masses attention turned to me...though I was enjoying the emptiness, I could sense the occasional glares from those around me as though I am some freak that spawn from undergound. Well, I was really too busy enjoying the silence to be bothered by them.

Still I have to say the lost of Momo have really cause a life-changing transitional road that I am treading now. I can't seem to find my existence and my goals, I can't seem to find myself and my soul. Still I life each day like it is and go to work as usual and simply blending into the crowd. But beneath this hollow shell of mine, I really am not sure what I have become. With her around, there was life to everything but the day she left, she took everything with her.

No I am definitely not suicidal and that never crossed my mind but regaining my composure and finding myself once again is an ardous journey. Well at least she's happy and I am not.

For now, I guessed I'd just have to believe myself and do what I deem fit. I shall let selfish and self centred cognition have complete control over my mind for even my really really close brother, yes he's my REAL brother, flying off this Thursday to Australia would see me skip the set off at the airport. Simply I gave the excuse that I don't like sad farewells to musk the real truth that I am simply not bothered with anything else except myself.

Darkness sets in...

2007-07-03T12:35:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Seems like I am still struggling to get a grip on my life and each day, I am sinking deeper into a void darkness. Even my designs are twisted, warped and distorted to please my displaced and disturbed sanity. God, tell me what have I done to have so much hatred and angst to engulf me and deny salvation. I do not and will not seek forgiveness, instead, I'd guess I will just have to go forth and complete what I had initially set out to do.

I shall conscript this piece, "Rage against the dying flame"

Why slander me...you FUCKING SHITHOLE

2007-06-27T13:25:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Couple of weeks ago, I had beaten everyone else at the Go Kart challenge organise by my company along with some other industry players. My Boss got his ass whipped real bad by me and after the whole incident, he was like praising me in front of the other industry players about how I held the company's reputation.

After that, my Boss, me and some of my colleagues took a cab ride to East Coast for dinner. Along the way, he was saying that the kart he got had problems with the brakes and I told him mine had NO FUCKING brakes. Well he simply tried to pull it off by saying that he had actually lost and did not want to blame the kart or anything. I had an impression that well he did have some sportsmanship after all.

I was so FUCKING WRONG. He turned out to be the slittery, devious FUCKING SHITHOLE that actually wanted me to put up some news online that I had actually cheated to win the race. I mean WHAT THE FUCK?! Admit it that you've lost and that's it...cos no matter how many times you pit a go kart against me, you'll still lose. I am really really irritated by how he held this grudge against me all this while. FUCK!

I had 8 years of street racing experience and him? Probably 2 years of controller wanking shits up his ass and fancy him pitting himself against me. Ha what a FUCKING joke! But it's really unimaginable for him, as a Boss to stoop so low to slander his own very employee just to uphold his ego. FUCK YOU SHIT HOLE...that ain't gonna happen. Well he put me in charge of the online issues so I can tweak the sentences to make it all justifiable. I am not amazingly smart but at least I cant just let some AUSTRALIAN shit hole tarnish my racing reputation.

FUCK OFF SHIT HOLE!

Regrets...

2007-06-22T10:40:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Since the day you left, I've been moving on rather fine I'd guess or is it me that is denying the fact that you've already left? I am really not sure...I do question myself time and again if I am really moving on. But at the end of the day, the only conclusion that I can draw is that I am just walking in your shadows, can't move out of it as when ever there is light, a shadow would be cast. Unless I can rid the prescence of light in my life, there is absolutely no way I can ever walk out of this labyrinth that you have inevitably trapped me.

I still think of you and all the memories we shared time and again as the wounds are less than a month old. But each time I would still smile when I see you so clearly in my mind. Well to tell you the truth, I reminded myself every nite before I rest that I can never stop till I reach the end. The proccess is not important but it's the results that matter. If it's not you that I can share my life with, I am darn sure it's someone else waiting for me to find her. It's just that I am only left with 2 or 3 years maximum to find her. While you were here, I had already cast aside the intention to seek another soul mate but since your departure, I had to start from scratch and for that I kinda felt a sense of unjust done to me. The burden is there once again...

Right now I have so many regrets awaiting redemption...love songs on the radio waves and lovers all around me disgust me each day as I can not enjoy such pleasures and sweetness in life. From that I begin to hate a lot of things around me, from people to things to life. Simply, I just put on a mask and joke and smile and fool around others only to have my heart telling me that I should remember my friends but I should NEVER EVER FORGET those that wreck my life. Probably will stare them in the eyes when I die...so that they will forever be instilled with fear, pricking their conscience where ever they may be.

With your departure, life's seems to be better for you as you have cleared a burden and it seems to me that you are the least affected by the break up. I am utterly disappointed simply because I was just wondering where and of what significance am I to you?

I put you as my No. 1
I life my life and breath to see you each day
I am willing to do almost anything within my limits for you
I am willing to share everything with you
I am willing to grow old together with you
I work hard just to fulfil our dreams
I think of you before I think of myself
I can fall out with the whole world for you
I made you the centre of my life
I look up to you as a savior and a saint
I adore and worship you

and I was just wondering where would you put me in your life?

You'd probably say that I did all these things out of my own accord and you absolutely played no part in it. That's simply your own selfish excuses to deny it.
Although it's partially true, still that;s just your selfish, self centred excuses to justtify your own cause.

Right now I may be regretting over your departure but someday I will show you that it's definitely your loss that you gave me up. I will do more that I did for you for someone else. And when that time comes, I would really want you to regret all that you have done, your decisions, you choices, your life...I just want you to regret everything and have that guilt tormenting you forever.

Once lovers and now strangers...

2007-06-20T14:48:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday, on my way home...was on board the west bound MRT. Didn't really bothered with what's going on around me as my bag was darn heavy. Loaded of like couple of boxes of games from the office. Felt like army days have gone to waste after idling all these while. Look more like a lost backpacker looking for directions.

Got a seat and rested the "commuter-killer" bag on my lap and PSPed away...until almost reaching Jurong station, I let my PSPed-Strained eyes wander around. Caught a tall girl look in my direction. She was my ex-GF. The one that broke my heart and left me to rot and die. It seems so strange but somehow the vivid memories came back. I felt like in a transitional dimension having lots of crossroads in front of me and I had to choose which direction to take. I smiled at her and nodded my head in an agreeable gesture and she did the same thing.

Once embracing each other so dearly leaving the world behind in reality. Doing so many crazy things for each other, missing each other so dearly and meeting 12 hours a day never seems enoungh. Every minute every second counts and vows, promises were made with such sweetness that will put others to shame. Hand in hand, dooing everything together and now, not even words are exchanged, just plain gestures to affirm each others' existence. From strangers to lovers and then back to strangers. All the memories, love and times shared seem to be nothing more than just vague, old and redundant history of yester years. Nothing more than a childish dream filled with empty promises.

Love works in such strange ways that most of the time, a beginning will inevitable spells the end which will cycle to a new beginning. It's all part of life and everyone will just have to go thru it if they seek love. But the thing is that lovers seems impossible to be close friends or even platonic friends when they break up. Tons of possibilities here...but what ever the case is, it seems to me that if you have a friend, as long as you do not step into a relationship with them, you will probably get a life long friend who would probably lay you a flower on your deathbed. If you should start a relationship, it's always sweet in the beginning but when the inevitable end should come, you'd probably lose a friend and wished that you'd not started the relationship in the beginning.

My Eternal Angel

2007-06-13T16:19:00.001+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I remembered the day I held your hand

You smiled at me and

I knew this was where our story began

You brought me out of darkness

taught me to love and to forgive

You became my savior

my angel and my life

I begin to trust faith

and I begin to trust you

Thru the ups and the downs

Across oceans and over mountains

It's your love kept me warm and

our memories kept me alive

I go on waiting each and every day

to be reunited with you someday

I really regret not loving you more

Goodbye my eternal angel

for the time has come for us to part

Baby Can I still love you

when you have somebody

Can I still miss you

when you're thinking of somebody

Can I still remember you

when I feel lonely

And would you come to see me if I die

Now that you've decided

to end our fairy tale

There is nothing I can do

And I know this was really the end

I will remember the day we parted

But I will never forget the day we started

A million years from now

I will still be thinking of you

My visions may go and

my hair will gray

But my memories will never fade

Cigarettes and alcohol are my friends

drowning me in sorrowful nites

I walk alone in empty streets

wondering what are you doing

how are you and if it's me you're thinking

Goodbye my eternal angel

for the time has come for us to part

Baby Can I still love you

when you have somebody

Can I still miss you

when you're thinking of somebody

Can I still remember you

when I feel lonely

And would you come to see me if I die

Baby would you lay me a flower

and play my favourite song

Baby would you shed me a tear

and clean the dust on my photo

when I am sleeping in a wooden box

Goodbye my eternal angel

for the time has come for us to part

Baby Can I still love you

when you have somebody

Can I still miss you

when you're thinking of somebody

Can I still remember you

when I feel lonely

And would you come to see me if I die

- My Eternal Angel -

A little consolation to tranquilize the mind

2007-06-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday, my company had a Go-Kart challenge at Jurong along with one of my colleague, Chad Park, from Korea and 3 other staffs of the magazine, GameAxis and 1 other dude who is the official distributor of Nintendo in Singapore. Well the place was like in a pretty bad shape...and the tracks were small and WET! I was like FUCKED!

10 people total splited into 2 groups and the schedule were as follows, group A go for a 5 min warm up lap, then group B go for the 5 min warm up lap. The A go for a 5 min trial run and then B. The 5 fastest split times were recorded and these 5 racers go for the last 10 laps race where no assistance will be given if one should crash.

I let the "Pro" racers take group A and watch them pit against themselves. From there I observed the way they drive, accelerate, brake and the way they tackle corners. I hid myself among group B which consists mainly amatuers and noobz. I tried to test the acceleration, turning radius, braking power, handling of the kart. Along the way I observe the track, the corners and try to find the perfect driving line.

"Pro racers from Group A"

"I'll tell ya those boys don't mean nothing so go kick their sorry asses"

Crash out a couple of times while testing the potential of the kart in the warm up lap. Hit the dirt, over drifted and ate grasses. When the trial lap came, I was already trying hard to compromise drifting and maintaining the split time. However, I spent too much time enjoying the drift, I soon realise that that's not the fastest way to get around the corner on a kart. A little drift is fine for tight corners but that's about it. Soon I got used to the FULL accelerate and HARD braking before the corners and the FULL accelerate power out of corners was like the optimal driving line. I didn't really recorded the fastest split times and I tried to mask my driving technique when I was nearing the grand stand as I really didn't want others to judge my skills and besides I really didn't give my 110% on the trial laps.

"Group A races pitting it out"

"The second straight before the last bend"

Well, by this time, most of them have already had mud splats and grasses on their shirts and pants. I was the ONLY one that's clean, well maybe because I was too afraid to get my prize possessions like my shoes and pants soiled.

So since my timing was like the 4th fastest overall, watching how the others perform, I knew I had no way to beat them if they had a good run from the start. I wasn't saying that I had the best skillz there and not that I am playing humble, but the truth is that I could pass them if they crash out or if them made mistakes but I wasn't taking any chances. 3 karts in from of me on the starting grid, and Momo, my Japanese Gal left me on Monday. In my mind was angst, and rage and now I will focus and harness all of these elements to win. Losing was not an option. Life is transient and this would be the only chance to get a consolation outta it.

The marshal was giving a 5 second explaination on the grid and in my mind, that 5 sec seems like forever as I could clearly devise a plan and see it rationalize into reality. I needed a head start and the only way I could do it was to jam the brakes and yet accelerate till the point that the kart held stationary by the brakes and that the instance I release my brakes, the kart would lunge forward giving me a head start as everyone else would just floor the accelerator and their karts would just move off as usual.

I was FUCKING right, the moment the flag was raised, I was already overtaking 2 karts in front of me putting me in 2nd place and negotiating a gradual right bend behind my Boss. But due to the fact that I was travelling behind him and he was way too slow for my speed and I do not want to brake on the straights, I just overtook him and took the inner of the next right-angled right bend and there I was being in 1st place. I knew I had to hold on to my lead and yet extend the gap every lap and also not make any mistakes. That was the only way I would win and I ain't gonna let no mistakes or what-so-ever jeopardise it.

Was losing it during the 3rd or 4th lap when I actually over drifted on the tight hair pins. Thank God my lead was like 30 secs ahead of the second car so I actually had ample time to correct my mistakes. I totally free myself of any distractions after that and all that in my mind was the accelerated vision of my path to victory. I guess this is like the first official race I had without the constant fear of cops and that's the reason why I was making mistakes.

During the last couple of laps, I was actually trying to overtake my colleague who was a lap behind me. Damn he was an ASS blocking me in every possible chance to pass him. I tried going thru the water puddles, the grass benders and all other possible way, no luck. So I decided to play mind games with him and tailed him so close and yet not pass him...soon enuff, he totally screwed it and spun out. I twitched my wrists a little and whizz passed him on full throttle missing him by inches.

Held on to my lead all the way and pass the checked flag, did a "hand brake" turn in to the stop area, remove my helmet and waited for the rest to come.

A little consolation for that time but it didn't last long. The past came back and haunt me soon enuff. I can't walk outta of her shadows but I remembered the words that my Korean colleague tattooed on Monday, "Life goes on until death overtakes me"

The path to destruction

2007-06-12T10:58:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

This is the first day after my sun died. Hopes and faith have become lies and never will I want to believe in until I hurt enuff people to die for my cause. This is my path to destruction...I will not make any vows or any commitments but I'd just do it...destroy as many lives and ruin as many things as I can.

I was on your leash to do to your abiding but now, I am on my own and no one can contain me. It's funny how Heavens rained today as if to drown me in tears. The weather was gloomy, the rained stopped but seems to be hanging around the corner for another round of tears.

And I am here, pitted by love that have turned terribly wrong and into hatred. Once again, I set out to pilfer, plunder, and raid so that the cycle of tormentation will continue.

Next stop Japan. I am bent to get there so there is no stopping me now. To leave a trail of destruction, to leave souls howling, and this is all for you. Thank you.

Today 11 June 2007...The End

2007-06-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

My intuition was correct, each time when you said that you wanted me to call you, I just felt uneasy that each call I make would probably be my last...and today, you decided to end it all. There is really nothing more I can say...all the things we've gone thru, the times we shared and the hopes that kept me alive.

You were my savior, my soul, my pillar of support. Now that you are gone, once again I have to pick up the broken pieces by myself. One after another, you chose to leave like she does and yet each time, I am the only one left to pick up the broken pieces. I was a puppet on your string right from the start, I was a chess piece on your table, I was nothing more than a number to add to your stats.

I kept so much of you and all that is now just ashes washed away with the rain. I was always walking behind you and you just kept running. I was never able to do what I wanted for you are always leading. I have loved and now I am tormented and burned! I cannot choose to hate you for I chose this path myself...and in isolation I drown myself in my own despair.

It was never about me...it was always about you. Whatever I do never seems to be able to please you and whatever you did I have to just accept it. I have become and option to you and you have become my only existence to go on.

How you took me out from the shadows and how you showed me to forgive and forget and to live life new, REBIRTH. How you used to promise me so much things and I was only a sucker to believe in faith and hope and all other lies. Seperated by a million miles and across oceans, I live each day on faith and hope only to find myself being buried in my own illusions. I can say enuffs thank you for all that you have done and showed me and I can say enuff sorries to make up for all the sadness that I gave you. But the truth is that I have given everything I've got and I mean EVERYTHING, but in the end, nothing ever pleases you. You are up there looking down and I am always here looking up at my ray of hope.

You gave me a reason to submit and repent but now you gave me nothing more than just empty promises. The world around me bless us for being together that's because I made you the center of my life and my world just revolves around you. But ask yourself what did you do for me? You can be stubborn and argue your way through but the truth is that you can NEVER put me above everything else, for you are self-centred and it's only you that matter. You have a choice and no one really held a knife to hold you against your own will and you chose to give me up. That's really noble and liked you always said, how much do I really know about you. Well ask yourself, how much did you ever tell me? You never wanted to tell me anything and excuses after excuses you would give to justify everything. Excuses like I would never be able to help or make a difference, I would never understand...these are jsut your own excuses to cover yourself. You are just plain selfish and no one ever will ever fit your bill.

It's not like I never ask or cared but it's just you that never really wanted to share. You made your options and priorities right from the start and I was never on the list. I was a substitute, a pawn, a replacement, something that when you needed, I will be at your disposal and stashed away when not needed. Have you ever been fair? The answer is no...not because nothing in this world is fair but rather it's just your own self-centred thinking.

I am sorry that I robbed you of your freedom right from the start.
I am sorry that I became the root of all your problems.
I am sorry that I wasn't able to meet your standards.
I am sorry that I was becoming a burden to you
I am sorry that I wasn't of much help
I am sorry that I was a jerk at some point of time
I am sorry that I disappoint you
I am sorry that I made you my life
I am sorry that I can not make your dreams come true

For all the sorries that I have apologised to you, have you ever said sorry to me? Have you ever felt remorse for the things that you did? I have never initiated any disputes or quarrels all these while and each time it was just me who would apologise to you. What were you realy thinking all these while?

So many questions are left blank and so many answers I seek, you were in a dilemma and you chose to sacrifice me so you could please the world and you really think that would benefit the both of us? I think that would only benefit you...so go on please the FUCKING WORLD of yours and let me burn and die.

Though I can never seek the answers why would you please the FUCKING WORLD and sacrifice me, if it makes you happy and if these FUCKING PEOPLE are so GOD DAMN FUCKING important, then so be it. I really don't see them contributing to your sake in anyway and I have to near the FUCKING CONSEQUENCES of your decisions, I can only come to think that THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES ARE BETTER OFF DEAD!!

Yes, as I continue to vent my fustrations and spill more filth, I will allow my anger to have full control over me. I will not hate you but I just hate the FUCKING PEOPLE that are around you, poisoning you each day.

If I had a gun, they are the ones to waste. You are so noble to save the world but too bad I am not. You are a saint and I am the fallen angel...you were God sent and I'd guess it never would worked out from the start. It was just wishful thinking on my part right from the beginning.

I have feared for this day for so long and here it is, finally ending everything. I knew I was just hanging on a thin thread that would snap anytime. This was how fragile our relationship was. But at least you could still do whatever you wanted to and I had to wait for you to take a step before I could move mine. You've got your freedom back and now, let me just waste myself. I am beyond your control and I live my life the way I want it.

Thks for the memories.

FUCKED!

Unravel the mystery of Whatever

2007-06-11T15:41:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Okay I must really salute the marketing campaign of the new drink found locally using pseudonym WHATEVER and ANYTHING. Well let's just say that I've thought of actually coming out with a product be it food, toys or fashion where the element of surprise and uncertainty will draw in the crowd but it never set off due to lack of funding and therefore, it never really rationalize. So I really have to salute this company for rationalizing my visions.

But, soon the element of uncertainty wore off as I found a better place to place my dime. Look carefully on the ingredients of the WHATEVER drink and you will soon figure out that not all the cans have the same contents. As for the ANYTHING carbonated drink, hmm haven't really tried to unravel the mystery so if u did, pls update me then, meanwhile, support the local companies and go get yrself a can of ANYTHING.

I am a FUCKING junkie

2007-06-11T14:23:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

When the world smile and cheer, where was I?
When the world sleep and dream, where was I?

When everyone around me cheers, I went along
When everyone around me wept, I shed tears

When someone needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there
When someone needed a listening ear, I was there too

But when I drown myself in despair, no one was there
When I bled myself inside out, no one was there

And when I am gone, no one will care
And when I become nature, no one will remember

I never contributed anything to the world
I am just adding numbers to the world

I have no faith and no religion
I will let the Gods decide who to take me in

Harsh, cold and lost are what I feel each day
Deceit, lies and sacrifices are what I do each day

Ain't got no face of reality
Living behind a mask of eternity

Pills and capsules are my only consolation
Syringes and fluids are my existence

withdrawn into the path of destruction
I lead myself to isolation

Tell me about it...

2007-06-11T09:45:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Over the past few weekends, there are a series of events that are obviously telling me something and I have yet been able to interpret what they mean. Or is it that my time is near...or just plain pessimism? I don't know the answer...

Well, over the past couple of weekends, I have witnessed car crashes and I mean not a bump or scratch but those that involve mangled metals and ambulances. And just last Saturday, sometime around dawn, I saw a Ferrari F430 yes, it's a FUCKING that Ferrari crashed along CTE near Ang Mo Kio in the direction to Yishun. Skid marks on lane 1 indicated that the car probably hit the centre divider before spinning 4 lanes to the left. Mangled and flattened to the asphalt, wheels twisted, and debris all over a span of like 100m, the huge chassis look sturdy but ripped of all other layers of "skin". Didn't have a chance to see the driver or the car plate except that the car was maroon in color.

Well 1st tinme in my life I actually saw a Ferrari craashed on local roads and given the stability and precision aspect, it's probably boils down to the user error or misjudgement to turn a precision instrument of speed and innovation right down to scrap metal sitting in the junk yard.

Cool. Kudos to you Ferrari driver, for I wonder when will I ever have the chance like you to break the prancing horse into pieces and yet walk away to settle for another raging bull.

Friend of many, foe of few...

2007-06-08T15:32:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Since 1410, being used as a medicinal herb, tabacco have survived till today and it seems that many people can't seem to live without it, making it part of their needs. Be it considered a friend or foe, and the different ways to get the nicotine absorbed into the bloodstream, the various reasons people take it. Ultimately , being dependent on it in the long run seems to make tabacco a trusted aid and a friend that most would probably can't do without.

While I am not gonna write a full 700 page thesis on this sacred herb that seems to have been abuse and taken for granted these day, I would say that it's definitely a foe to a small minority who seems to find it rather negative than positive.

While I clearly remember those days suffering shits and serving my nation, out there cold, tired and listless in a God-forsaken island, only a small handful of us gathered and huff and puff little white cancer sticks in our trembling hands...chatted a while even though it's pure acquaintance. The feeling was mutual, sacred and beautiful where everyone became friends over a small chat with the universal bond that brought us, otherwise strangers together...cancer sticks.

It's funny but smoking alone, the tabacco and the nicotine would probably dislodge and displace one's mind before anything else but when with a group of trusted pals, or people who bears a strong relation, it's just pure bliss. Somehow a simple white cancer stick can bring strangers together and that sorta develops into friendship.

So that's about it for now and remember, a stick in hand goes well with a beer in the other...it's Friday so it's time to party.

Cheers

Tritium For Sale

2007-06-06T14:38:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

For those of you who know me or have seen me in clubs, I can be easily identified by a single tube of glowing green earring. Well now since I've got so many people asking me to bring in these cool gadgets, I am planning to ship in these "toys" again that is if I can have enuff orders. It comes in a pendant form but it's fully customizable to earrings, bracelet, etc. The light last approximately 10 years to a decade and DOES not require charging or whatsoever. The outer tube is made of glass and inside is a tritium vial. It's going for sale at SGD$45 a piece as they are imported from overseas. Colors available are Green, (Brightest), Blue (Really cool), White (What can I say more...), and Yellow (Unique color). Msg me the no. of pieces you want and color to shiroidevil@hotmail.com

"White compared to Blue"

Silent Stalker

2007-06-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

As the cold empty cage lies silent for a while, the hunter cleans the barrel, polishes the chamber and load in a fresh cartridge of rounds. He prepares to enter the wilderness to seek a prey. From days to weeks to months, nothing suitable to hunt, nothing caught his eye. But as time passes, solitude and calmness sets in. The hunter knows exactly what he wants, he lay in ambush silently awaiting for the rite moment. With his trusted weapon beside, the years of experience have seem to caught up with him. He will need to end the isolation of exile with a single prey.

Then on this day, the prey appeared ending all the waiting game. The hunter positions himself, looks into the scope and in the middle of the crosshair was a prey. With a single shot ringing through the silent forest, the prey fell. The hunter have caught his prey, and the very next day, he tests it to see if it's suitable and on the third day, he makes his "kill".

The cage has once again come alive with it's existence.

Greed Vs Needs

2007-06-01T13:56:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

There is definitely one hell of a difference between Greed and Needs. While needs are basic necessities that must be fulfilled before greed can set in. The hierarchy is formed in such a way that needs are at the base of the pyramid while greed can be anything above the needs category or even right at the tip of the pyramid.

I am using this frame of reference to make sense of something. On one hand, someone that I have hurt, left high and dry am still willing to sacrifice anything for me in exchange for my happiness. Almost a year since the fateful day and still I am being treated like a gem, simple words or msg seems to put a smile on her face and make her day.

While on the other hand, I was born greedy and I'd guess who wasn't. I am a perfectionist and I seek the perfect one who I know in reality will never exist as I will continue to find fault and flaws. So somehow I've indeed found what I am looking for but it seems like it's really not easy maintaining the relationship. Once I was papmered like a King and whatever I wanted, she would yield and submit to my requests. I never really needed to care or let anything bother me as I know she would give in. Now that I have traded those days for something very different or rather the opposite. Now I am the one that's giving everthing I've got and just hanging on a thin line of hope. I have inevitably become a pawn, a slave of my own device. I am being leashed on a chain and I've lost my freedom, my empire and everything I've got. But still I keep my hopes high and I hang on dearly to uncertainty believing that someday it'd rationalize into reality.

It's really ridiculous how I yearned so much for something and fought so hard for it only to crumble and hold on dearly to a thin line that will either snap and let me fly to God's santuary or will it allow me to climb right to the top and save myself? Although there is absolutely no way I can know the answer but I really want it to be like those in my dreams. The flow here is like a circuit, one direction and I am just like a wet cell requiring 2 opposing nodes to connect the circuit.

Well like ehat everyone would probably say, that's life so you gotta just accept it. Yeah I will accept it but in the meantime, I just hope that I can sleep normally and wake up normally without the constant rising aggression in me.

It's like a drug now, I needed them badly but I am picky for I don't just take any drug, I seek designer drugs, yep those that can make me feel good and yet they look good.

And besides, I am quite fed up with my job after my Boss gave me a good thrashing down last week for things that was not within my control. And his stubborn ass won't listen to anything but himself. It's tough these day struggling to go work which was a huge contrast from the start where I had a FUCKING huge enthusiasm to work. And I just pray that my saviour will understand me and be more tolerant of my childish antics and tantrums. Because I really do not want to feel that I have made a wrong judgement and regret my decisions.

God Bless

Forza MotorSports 2

2007-06-01T13:35:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Oh well today's Friday again and tomolo is the weekend. Went to Clinic yesterday for some free parties but the crowd there was a bit of a disappointing. Felt a bit too old for the crowd there and a bit outta place as well but it's was generally a ok experience and it's not that I haven't been to Clinic before.

On Tuesday nite, went down to Zouk with my bro Lawrence to chill but it's was FUCKING packed. Had a bumper to bumper situation as I won't allow any other cars to cut my lane as I drove to the slip road to Zouk. A hot babe wanted to walk in front of my car to cross the road and I was like trying to prevent other cars from coming into my lane and so the gap between my front bumper to the ass of the car in front was so FUCKING close. The hot babe gave me a sarcastic thumbs up like "You're GOOD! FUCKING GOOD!" for like preventing her from crossing in front my car and also damn FUCKING close to the car in front without hitting it. Well, Lawrence was laughing like a idiot in the car and I swear I was behaving like a asshole too. FUCKING hilarious...me and Law's combo's like a kick as duo out to get laid! Ha.

And yesterday nite after the Clinic, I headed back home as I still had to fucking drag my ass to work today. But on the journey home, a cab pulled up beside me and this hottie gave me some lustful gesture and her FUCKING boyfriend was just sitting next to her unaware of it. It was like a 2 min stint of lustful and playful gesture between me and her. She was like sucking her fingers seductively and I was like blowing her flying kisses. Boy that 2 min was God sent...haha what a nite, what a hottie...She's hot and I mean real hot...

Okay back to the topic now, tried Forza MotorSports 2 (FM2) on X360 with a HDTV. Graphics really brought out the realism of racing games, FUCKING GOOD! Gameplay was awesome as well, started of with a FC3S RX-7 as I am a suker for Japanese cars. The handling of the car feels like the real shit thing, fishtails, powersildes, oversteers, you name it. Hard learning curve to master the drifts but definitely worth it if you don't actually have the real car. It feels just like the real thing. Had a bit of upgrades here and there but not too much. Blasted the saved credits on a EVO 9 GT, tried a couple of races and unlocked a EVO 8 MR and some Limited Edt Integra Type R and also a AE86 Trueno. Too bad they didn't have RS Watanabe for the 86 and the stock one sucks big time so I will skip the 86 for the moment. Desprately beefing up the EVO 8 MR now to complete more races and to unlock more goodies. Great car simulation game that will keep your lard ass glued for hours. Didn't really liked ShadowRun after I tested it. I go a lot for storyline in a game rather than aimless, redundant killings and shits that pit skills.

So there you have it, my Friday's entry.

The Thunder that Never Goes Away

2007-05-30T16:24:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

While the world sleeps tonite and a brand new day starts tomolo, Wayne Thunder will never wake up to see The Suns again. He's only 29, 1/3 of The Suns and he's gone. He was inspirational mentor, friend and icon to many others. I'd guess God had better use for him up there as he always did, like Kurt Cobain and many others. No words can express my condolences to Wayne and I guess I will just have to leave you with words from San and JBoss themselves. It's never goodbye Wayne, it's till we meet again someday in God's Santuary.

Wayne Thunder 1977 - 2007

"Wayne passed away peacefully in his sleep on Monday, 21st May. We still can't believe that Wayne is no longer around. It's hard to lose someone, harder when we'd shared dreams. Wayne was a rockstar, a drummer, a brother and a hero to us. The SUNS wanted to share with our fans the two eulogies from San Singer and JBoss at Wayne's Rockstar funeral."

Wayne Thunder’s Eulogy Speech delivered by San Singer

It was through Wayne’s music that we all saw his passion. It was through his music that he barred his soul to the world. I truly believe Wayne was an angel of music that God put on this earth to guide us through our lives. The happiest moments of my life were spent making music with Wayne Thunder. I feel luckier than most of you because I was in the same band with Wayne for 12 years. I was blessed with the opportunity to learn about music and about life from the greatest musician that this country has ever produced. I wanted to share with you some of Wayne’s divine lessons and qualities that have been inspirational to me and continue to inspire me in my life.

Wayne was the most disciplined person I knew...
I miss the times when we were living together in Melbourne and struggling to get started. Every single day when I came back from work or from uni, Wayne would be practising his drums. He didn’t go out on the weekends. He stayed at home to practise because he wanted to become a great drummer. Even at night he would practice silently on his practice pads. He would even practice while he was on MSN. So he would take some time to reply messages. I never used to set my alarm clock because his drum practising was my automatic alarm clock. I heard Wayne struggle from mastering rudiments at the start and heard him finally play amazing drum solos. I heard how he pushed himself to improve. It is a truly inspiring experience to witness such dedication. I have never known a musician more dedicated than Wayne. Today, he is by far Singapore’s greatest drummer of all time. One of my favourite memories of Wayne was watching his drum solo during our sold out CD launch show in Melbourne. There he was, my best friend playing his drum solo in front of 1000 Australians screaming their roars of approval and respect. I do not believe that there is a single musician in Singapore right now who can go to Australia and command that level of respect from Australians and fellow Australian musicians. There is only one Wayne Thunder on the drums.

Wayne never complained about working hard…
I have never heard Wayne complain about hard work. He was never lazy. He would always say to me, “Bo Pian lah. This is the path we have chosen. I’d rather be working hard than feeling sad about not chasing my dreams." When we first started playing in Melbourne in at this place called the Planet Café in front of 30 people, Wayne said that in two years we would be headlining a sold out show at the Esplanade Gershwin Room in front of 800 people on a Saturday night where people paid $12 to see us. Two years later, it happened because of Wayne’s relentless hard work in managing The SUNS. Here’s one amazing guy who went to Australia and got The SUNS into the legendary Espy Gershwin Room venue without any radio station, record label or sponsors help. He did it all of this while he juggled two part-time jobs, practising, producing and song writing for a band that he loved so much it became his life. It was very inspiring to see how Wayne could do so many things and work so hard... hardly ever get sleep but still be so happy with what he had. He was someone who had the tremendous ability to focus on his goals and not be distracted by the material world or by what others thought of him. Wayne not only had the courage to dream, he was the 1 in a million who actually did something about his dreams.

Wayne never gave up…
Wayne was the embodiment of optimism. When The SUNS were struggling, Wayne was our pillar of strength. He never once cracked under pressure. Instead, he would fix all the cracks. When we felt like giving up, Wayne was the guy that saw the glass half full. He would bring up all these rock’n’roll stories about “last time Rod Stewart used to dig graves…it’s all standard things we are going through lah. We have to earn it”. He felt happy to be struggling and living the rock'n'roll life. There was never one moment that I ever saw Wayne give up anything that he started. The words GIVE UP was something that Wayne could never register in his brain. Whenever I feel like giving up, I think about how upset Wayne Thunder would be if his best friend gave up and I try my best to carry on.

Wayne always did the right thing…
He always did the right thing even if it meant that he had to make big sacrifices. For example, when Wayne organised concerts in Melbourne for The SUNS and we packed out the clubs and made some money, Wayne would personally make sure that each band member was paid fairly before The SUNS were paid. This was why we never really made much money from the gigs that Wayne organised because he’d always shared the money with all the bands we played with equally. He firmly believed that it was the right thing to do because all the bands were struggling and they were our brothers too. It didn’t matter to Wayne that The SUNS were not rich. Wayne was a true artist. His joy came from spreading his message of love through his music and seeing how his music touched the hearts of people. That was his payment and I’m sure that he has a million dollars in heaven right now.

Wayne had the courage to stand up for what he believed in…
One of the most remarkable things about Wayne is the way that he never compromised on speaking the truth. One of the things Wayne was passionate about was making a difference in the music industry in Singapore. He took it upon himself to start the motion of change in the music industry here. I fondly remember a telephone conversation with Wayne where I just laughed and laughed at the story he told me. He told me, “Eh San, the other day I spoke to the guy from a record label in Singapore. He said he wanted to make a difference in the music industry here and he believed in Singapore music” Do you know what Wayne said to him “Ok. If you really mean that why don’t you put your money where your mouth is? Why aren’t you funding recordings for bands? The label guy was stumped for words”. I love Wayne for that. Wayne always believed that no matter what, we had to say what needed to be said and not to be afraid of saying it. Wayne believed that it was better to speak the truth than to avoid it. He would never water down anything for the sake of 'angkating' someone or because he wanted to try to get ahead in life or get a better sponsorship deal. Wayne was the most honest friend I had.

His love for his family…
I want to talk about how much Wayne’s loved his family. For Wayne, family came first. Not even music could get in the way of his love or sense of duty to his family. It was above everything else in his life. Whenever we were jamming or watching TV and he received a call from home, Wayne would stop whatever he was doing to speak to his family. Every time he received a call from Singapore his face would light up with love. And after he spoke to his family. He would come into the rehearsal room afterwards to tell us the funny things his father or mother said to him and we’d laugh along with him. I use Wayne as a role model as to how to be a good son to my family.

His music…
I just want to leave you now by singing a song that Wayne wrote which really captures his spirit. This is my favourite Wayne Thunder Song. The song is called “Let Your Love Shine Thru”

If you think you’re feeling down and everything just ain’t right
If you’re all alone in this great big crazy world and you gonna give up the fight
If you’ve lost your will, you broke your heart and now you gonna lost your mind
If you ever believe that you can never ever, just once get things right
Take a look on the bright side
Don’t let hurt run your life
Rid yourself of ill feelings
You just have to be bold
And let your love shine through to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side

Dear Wayne Thunder, Thank you for being a son, a brother, a friend and our favourite rock’n’roll star of all time. I must admit that I am envious that you got to heaven before me but I’ll see you soon and I promise I will write a whole bunch of songs to jam with you when it’s my turn to go. God bless your wonderful soul Wayne and thank you for instilling within us all the spirit of Wayne Thunder and dude, thank you for changing my life.

JBoss's Eulogy Story

"When I first got to Melbourne, before I could even unpack, before we even settled on our band name, Wayne passed me a piece of paper, he said it was a contract. The contract was the simplest I've ever seen, hand written and crumpled, it had San's and Wayne's signature on it and with only one clause.

1. One day we will be Rockstars!!!"

After seeing the mass of people turn up at the wake, the radio dedications, numerous posts on blogs, Wayne, I hope that San and I have helped you live your dream, we hope that we have fulfilled the contract. That "One Day" has come and you are a true Rockstar!

Always in my heart Justin (JBoss)

To my one and only savior

2007-05-29T15:30:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Eventhough you might already have this, and besides it's like something that was like sometime back, still, I would wanna to dedicate this to you, my savior.

"From the first time I saw you, 僕は知っている君は僕がいつも待っている人。その時から、僕の世界はがらりと変えった。いつも夕暮れが見えるだけの僕は初めて、希望の光が見える。そんな事…ありがとう。僕は君に愛をあげたの日から、僕は僕たちの愛を信じる…いつか僕とダーリンは結婚できるを信じる。しかしもし本当に僕たちの愛は難しいになった、問題がある…絶対あきらめない。夢に着くまで、ずと一緒に頑張るよ。「一生一世」はいつも君と僕の約束じゃないの…僕は絶対覚えるじゃなくて、絶対今生忘れない！ダーリン…僕は愛が全部百ちゃんにあげた、心中希望と未来を入る…時々涙を入る。今生今世僕は君一人だけが大好きだ、それは絶対変えない、「愛する人」って名前は君だけ使えるから。それでも僕は間違えた、馬鹿になった、お願いあきらめない。"

Visions of the other side

2007-05-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

The past couple of weeks, I have been trying to walk out of my own depression but seems like it's getting worse and that it's affecting my work and everything. Boss ain't happy with my work and friends are pissing me off. Somehow I feel an emptiness, a void, a vacuum in my life that behaves like a black hole, sucking everything into the unknown.

The things that you are about to read are FUCKING scary and pls hold no offence to me if you choose to read it. This is a dream I got due to extreme depression which I totally have no control over and that the cause of it remains unknown.

Yesterday nite everything felt so fucking bad that suddenly I felt like the abscence of everyone around me would be a good thing. Yes I mean everyone...somehow I felt that all my best friends and my brothers, whether they are with me or not doesn't really have a difference. People that I have known for a long time and people that have gone thru thick and thin with me, sweat blood and tears, walk the darkest shits on earth together...I felt that these people are suddenly of no significance to me. Meaning that whether they are around or not have really absolutely no impact on me.

And the dreams follows to a dark room where I gather all my best friends and brothers whom are "The Chosen Ones". They were all tied and on their knees...and I was there waiting to see their reaction and to capture their last words before I shoot them in the head. People whom have regarded me as their best friends and have totally no guard or what so ever against me, people who considered me the last person on earth to have ill intentions on them. I would like to see how they behave before being laid waste by the person they trusted and called best friend and brother.

While most questioned me why, desprately seeking answers to justify my insanity, they started cursing and swearing when they know they can't talk their way outta death. They simply have so much to live for and just didn't wished to die. It's funny how hostile people will behave knowing that they will die in the hands of someone that they trusted and believed.

And so one by one, they fell to the ground after the sound of the gun. Only 1 person...a girl whom I can't raelly see her face...she didn't mind dying...she lived for me and did not show the slightest hesitation when I asked her for her last words...she smiled and said, "I've lived enuff, seen enuff and if it's death you grant me, I'll gladly accept." She did not fear death, she was happy and relieved to receive it and that was why she was the only person who walked out of the dark room where all that was inside were on the floor, with a single hole in the forehead.

It was a fucking twisted dream, I really freaked out. I can't even imagine wasting my friends, my brothers. Who am I go play God...? Losing my sanity over depression is no excuse to have such twisted dreams...but still I see the vividness of the dreams even when I am wide awake now.

Not I really have to get a grip on myself and rid all these poisons of the mind before things really get outta hand. The mind is probably the most formidable weapon of a person so I really have to suppress such sick mentality.

I hope I can recover...I just need to fill up this emptiness for I know that the void is just one of the reasons for all these insane thoughts.

I will live through it. I have to conquer the demons within before they engulf me.

Damn you China assholes

2007-05-25T11:59:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Once again , my sweet little furry tail have been treaded by China idiots that seems to surround me like a horde of irritating roaches! Was awaiting to enter the train at Jurong station...when the door open, A sick bitch that's like worth a million slaps to the face pulled her bf and dashed straight for a seat, cutting across my path, knocking into me and what's worse, pissing me off! Damn you sick BITCH...I mean I will not slander you in any way if you do not behave in such a SICK BARINLESS manner. But since you chose to show your ungracious, FUCKING no manners and no brainer intellect, I will just have to procceed and FLAME YOU FUCKING BITCH.

It's utterly disgusting and seems to show that you lack all form of morals and etiquete that are otherwise present in every normal and sane person. FUCK YOU...ungracious, ugly, CHINA BITCH. Not only do you look ugly, you should not even be here in the first place, your existence only brings hate and disappointment to people around you. God should waste you or rather, even he felt utterly DISGUSTED to have your sorry ass in existence that he totally gave up on you. I pity your parents as I believe that you were a PEST created out of a really unthinkable freak accident between your parents! SICK SICK SICK and SCREW you asshole for ruining my otherwise peaceful and sweet Friday. I mean come on, tomolo's the weekend and you have to rain shits on my Friday...I say FUCK YOU BIG TIME!

Once again...Sub-conscious sets in

2007-05-24T10:52:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am a believer

Of my own destiny

I am a saviour

Of my own soul

Yet I am destroyed

By my own beliefs

God, I do not seek

Devil, I do not speak

Saint, I may not be

But Angel, you may be

Sun will blind my eyes

Fatigue will wear me out

Sickness will slow me down

But Faith will push me on

and keep me strong

Now, it's just me

sitting here silently

hidden in the shadows

with the moon in my eyes

I

will

find

you.

My new Toy...7070sc

2007-05-24T10:17:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Still struggling to get up in the morning, dragging myself to work and desprately wishing for a miracle to rid me of the infectious cough virus that's gutting me inside out. Coughing and coughing each day like a Bronchitis-striken, nicotine sucking addict. Well the doc said might be due to a virus infection...Damn! And sweetie Elsie left...now kinda missing her, well maybe it's kinda better this way...setting you free so you can fly to where ever you might prefer, away from my chains of despair. But still I wanna tell u, you will sorely be missed.

My diaphragm hurt shits when I cough...and I wanna party over the weekends. Miss out partying last weekend and so weet of Novem to ask me out. Ha...just when I do not ask anyone out for the weekend, they offered me a glimmer of hope. Now it's just pills, tabs and cough mix to keep me alove over the dreaded days.

Desprately trying to save up but...sucker me for loving cool and sweet looking gadgets just hooked up a SoftBank 707sc from Japan. Decent looking, plain and simplistic, flat but damn it's nice. Cant do MMS or GPRS and there is no T9 shits...just a simple piece of white chocolatic sweetness sitting on my palm. Not quite a powerful packed phone but rather a killer in the fashion department. Bah...a fashionista geek turned twit...sick sick sick!

Actually wanted to get a phone from Japan at the end of the year when I go there but guessed like I will stick to this sweet babe for sometime. It's already been unlocked, meaning that it can read our SIM card, so it's just plug and play aka USB. All other Japanese phones have to be unlocked before they can be used here in SG. Stayed up last nite to get my phonebook in as the damn PC suite cant hook up with the Microsoft Outlook in my comp.

The phone is basically a killer in the looks department with basic functions. Would be wonderful and glimming in Japan but here...it's sort of medicore for fucntions as cant really fully utilize everything. Cant play mp3 ringtones but rather mmf. PC suite can convert tracks to M4a format to be played on the phone but ONLY mmf stuffs can be used as ringtones...Had a really hard time last nite coverting tracks to mmf formats but in the end, they sounded muffled and 20% distorted so I was like WHAT THE FUCKED...and I just dumped whatever I have got and moved on to Zzzz as the "kick" from the pills, tabs and mix was already taking effect. Really liked the "feel" though...

Hmmm...now still caressing my phone...hehe *grin*

Here's the SoftBank webbie - http://mb.softbank.jp/mb/en/product/3g/707sc/index.html

There...Ahhhh what a sight. A rare beauty...slick and classy, elegant and sophisticated...

And thks Evelyn for being ever so sweet to me...

Carhartt Vs Stussy

2007-05-18T11:17:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well, I guess I have to admit I am a big sucker for these 2 brands. Of course Stussy might have a bigger influence here in Singapore due to the fact that it was here for quite sometime and Carhartt, only managed to set foot here officially last year after a collaboration with Crumpler. Carhartt merchandise could be seen floating around at some shops in Far East Plaza sometime back but the choices were very limited. Thanks to the concept store located at the basement of Heeren, a wide vairety of Carhartt stuffs are now available. Not to mix them up with the U.S. edition of Carhartt, the ones in Singapore belongs to the street fashion series and can be found in the Carhartt Europe sites. Being around the street scene for sometime and sponsoring various sports events, Carhartt clothing has definitely gain a strong respect both in street fashion aspect and also a reputable brand. Although the Singapore store does not carry the full range of clothing, it is still a call for celebration for having these awesome clothing in Singapore. While Carhartt is so much more recognised in Japan along with Stussy and other street brands, the collaboration with Bathing Ape has made the brand gained an even stronger foothold in the street fashion scene. So please go visit your local Carhartt store for a piece of garment that has almost a 120 year history.

Stussy, I guess most people would already have known all that I am about to say. Afterall, which kiddo of the street fashion scene have not heard of this brand. What started out as a humble Shawn Stussy signature scrawned across T-shirts and surfboards have emerged to a brand with international recognition. And in Japan, Stussy supposedly have their very own in house designers...and my recent trip to Japan, there were like more than 50 ppl queueing up outside the Stussy Outlet in Odaiba before the new Winter line was launch. Now that is really a strong following...hopfully here in Singapore, we have followings like this and probably have a loyal and ever growing population who supports street fashion. Maybe someday we might just have our very own in house designer for Stussy as well. So let me end this post by saluting to all the international recognised local designers who have believed in their dreams despite all odds, SBTG in particular.

A msg that works wonders

2007-05-17T16:45:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Down with throat inflammation and a really coarse cough. The cough syrup doesn't seem to work and I can't get to sleep at night. Body is aching and I feel so sullen!

Spent the whole day yesterday recuperatiing at home but seem slike it didn't help at all. Now struggling with 3 pieces of clothing, still freezing my ass off at work. And alas, a simple msg from you, a million miles away that warms me tenderly.

I used to have so much hopes and aspirations but now I'd rather take the dark, waiting path. I can't seem to ask you for anything and I am just being held in captivity by you.

No metal chains, no locks and no cages. It's just me kept in captivity by your thoughts, your illusionary prescence and you inexistence.

No regrets though for I chose this path and I not need any form of pity.

Just a simple msg, not a long one but just a simple one asking me how am I will be good. You are indeed a miracle...2 years of my life, I live in your bidding and then I was prepared to give my whole life to you. I may not be a saint and I have sinned greatly too but everything just leads to you.

Nintendo Wii

2007-05-09T16:16:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Tried the white machine with the weird controller. Was skeptical intially about the platform but later experience prove otherwise. Played the bowling and tennis under Wii Sports, found the trick before my arms got ripped of from the impact of swinging the controller. Gentle and steady, play with grace and kepp a positive mindset is what I learnt from that couple of minutes spent into exploring a outta this world type of gaming.

Seriously I must say it's a great platform for parties and ice breakers and not to miss out that great horde of babes and hunks sweating out in beach wear with a couple of Wiis and booze...it's a lethal concoction yet it's tastfully done. This would be my ideal weekend party.

Still it's a great experience and I would probably try Call of Duty 3 a while later, moving away from my all so comfortable Razor mouse / keyboard combination to a whole new level of gameplay. This WILL be the turning point and I do mean it.

To put it simply, the overall experience is SICK SICK SICK.

Not in a bad way but really, get a Wii and you will understand that it all make sense.

Denial

2007-05-09T12:42:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I look at your face each and every day

Bounded by a border of fading gray

Though seperated by a million miles

In here with me you smiled

I feel your warmth in the chilly mornings

Embraced by your memories in the cosy evenings

Still I wonder when will our paths meet again

Will you still be the same

Will I get to see your smile

Can I still fall in love with you again

My dreams have almost become reality

But I am losing my sanity

I have lost my confidence

And I am afraid

Believe

Faith

Hope

And

You

It's just me Missing You

Revamp...reality or just plain procrastination

2007-05-04T12:00:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Been in the idea of doing a revamp for my blog but still figuring out how to tweak it. So is it gonna take off or will it be another idea laid to waste.

Time will speak.

Zero Tolerence

2007-05-04T11:29:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It's great that I got all the items on my wish list listed in the previous post. The boots, the Stussy shirt, the Oakley shades, the hat. Pick up the SGD$270 shirt from my best friend Des yesterday nite. Had a rather long good-old-time chat with her to catch up a lot of lost moments. Cheer up des, ain't gonna rub salt on your fresh wounds but if it's not meant to be yours, set it free. Live the memories but move on and you will see that life is SHIT after all so take it in your stride.

We will all be still here to catch you when you fall so pls remember. Once again I have to give a big THANK YOU DES for bringing me the shirt in from U.K.

Apr's expenses was a little way off my budget...the boots - $SGD147, the shades - SGD$279, the shirt - SGD$270+ (unconfirmed rates yet). So as usual the self-assurance mentality, there are some things money money can't buy, so it's better to have it than to need it and not have it. Afterall, you can always slog to get the money back. And besides, it's really SUCKY to only find out that the item that you've been contemplating to get is already out when you finally decided to get it. It's sucky, trust me...

Well supposedly the rain is regarded to me my best silent confidante and boy was I glad to be greeted by this gentle lady in the morning. Donned the SGD$270 Stussy gear and pulled over the Carhartt rain jacket to set off for work. Was really really in a smiling, vulnerable attitude to work...but...yep you guessed it...shits happen at work.

Got some really sarcastic remarks from my collegue. Not that I really care or that it hurts my pride or ego but it's just that I FUCKING DONT like it. You are a nobody to comment on my FUCKING job scope and you are totally NOT IN ANY FUCKING JURISDICTION to give a comment on what I do. I seriously DO NOT GIVE A FUCKING DAMN about you so STOP POKING YOUR FUCKING TWIG in my face! Yeah I do cherish the "Never bite the hand that feeds" but FUCK YOU for you have taken more than you can chew so CHEW ON THIS YOU DUMB ASS MOTHER FUCKER!

Thanks to the gentle lady Rain, that kinda like silently embraces me through the cold, chilly day...I gently whispered to myself, "Thks and I love ya sweetie"

Hmmm so now I am wondering what unexpected events will unfold next...I am really eagerly anticipating.

This will be one long happy post with lost of cash being sacrificed!

2007-04-26T19:39:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well, this month seems to be rather special, or rather...interesting I must say and most probably being able to brighten my day for many decades since. 1st up, my cousins came back from a 8 day bag-packing trip from Japan, touring Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo...bought a heap of goodies back...Ghost in the Shell pre-release figures, Perfect Grade Gundams, NBA all stars '07 Addidas, and a quaterstaff of Japanese Monks...Yep the square wooden one that they hold in 1 hand and an alm bowl in the other. It's made of Japanese teak fully inscripted with Kanji scriptures on all sides with a full embroidered cloth covering the top part which is suppose to be the head of the Buddha. A single bell decorated the top part of the staff. Too bad I ain't got no photos...According to my cousin, one is not suppose to touch the cloth covered part for auspicious reasons and the number bells on the staff denotes the appropriate level of the monk. Most start of with 1 or 2 bells. A full-embroidered sleeve with bright blue strings to secure the staff and to protect it from water plus the cone hat with Japanese inscriptions PLUS the sacred staff cost no more than SGD$40...My God! Probably will get a few back when I go for my annual Japanese trip. Will be heading to Kyoto and Niigata near the Oct to Dec period later this year and did I mention my cousin only spent SGD$1500 on airfare, lodging and transportation?! So the total trip was like SGD$2900++ including expenses and everything else...

So what's next? Changed to contacts after deciding to ditch the good old specs that have accompanied me for a decade or so. Didn't really switch to contacts initially due to the fact that most say my astigmatism is to high. Shit you assholes...for I found an someone who actually tested my eyes and certified that my astigmatism was far too high from previous prescription. FUCK you assholes for being so unprofessional and that mere fact that rob me of my precious vanity wasted in my youth! So since the switch to contacts, I managed to secure a pair of Oakley shades from a local dealer since the prices from most shops are controlled. Here it is...

" The latest evolution of an Oakley favorite, it features our coveted HIGH DEFINITION OPTICS® (HDO®) for unbeatable clarity and protection. Lightweight C-5™ alloy is the reason why it feels comfortable all day. Temple sleeves of soft UNOBTAINIUM® increase grip with sweat while spring hinges balance the fit. If you’re focused on the styling, you may not notice that it meets all ANSI Z87.1 standards for optical performance and impact resistance. But the science behind all that technology is also the art that curves the lenses back, achieving a definitive look that just happens to maximize your peripheral view."

Well all that's extracted from the
Official Oakley's Web. The prototype pics on the web doesn't really appeal to me till I met my contact...the actual thingy blew me away. So I picked up the shades from him today after waiting like 2 weeks plus. Hmm my 1st pair of shades after being plagued by glasses for so long so I had to...you know, spurged a little...yeah just a little for a decent pair of shades. So this one's definitely gotta be it.

Next, I got a Fedora hat...yep the gangsta / zoot kind...saw them in Tokyo last year but somehow didn't get it. Hmm probably didn't really have attitude to pull it off and also with the darn specs back then. So with the new look, the new contacts, confidence fully regenerated after being suppress for godzillion years! Bailey's or Cobbs hats are definitely my 1st choice but too bad these never made it to local shores...and that SUCKS big time. Maybe a small market can't sustain it or rather the majority just lack fashion sense and that's the fat FUCKING truth you have to accept. Singaporeans just lack fashion sense...*sigh* Along with Alienware, these cool hats from U.S. will never make it here...

Yep that's the kinda hat I'm into now...and plus the Oakley shades...Haha okay, I confess I confess...it's an inspiration after playing the Def Jam Fight for NY game. The fashion in there inspired me...And so I settled for a plain looking one that like really a bargain and yet it doesn't look sucky and cheap. I guessed I pulled it off afterall...went walking downtown on a weekday and had stares all day long...nope not the "WHAT THE AWEFUL FUCK" look but rather "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FASHION" look...maybe I am even closer to being a Japanese...now this kinda of style can be found all over Japan and Taiwan and I am damn sure no one's gonna give FUCK but hey, here in Singapore...Haha...

Head almost fully decorated so comes the rest of the body...Wanted the Stussy Kik shirt after seeing it in the Japanese Stussy Mag in Kinokuniya but then again, IT'S NOT AVAILABLE IN FUCKING SINGAPORE! Only in U.K. an Japan...

And my brother who was in U.S. for a week and then U.K for a couple of days wouldn't get it for me even when I offered to pay him back. Idiot! And WHOA?! Desiree, my best friend happen to be in U.K. when I called her this afternoon...well she's an air stewardess. And yep you guessed it, she got it for me...YEEPEE! Got a confirmation call from her like an hour ago when she was in the STUSSY SHOP IN LONDON! *HUGZ* *HUGZ* LOVE U DES! Haha...so happy.

Now for the final item on my Apr 2007 shopping spree...BOOTS! In fact it's military boots...Altama Desert Tan Mil-Spec boot 4156. Altama and Wellco are the only 2 companies designated by the U.S. Ministry of Defense to supply boots to the military. And these booties are the exact ones worn to Iraq and Afaghanistan to kick those terrorists' asses. Haha and I don't suppose it's a commercial item here. Had to do a bit of research and homework to get these gems. 3 local companies were quoted to me via email from Altama themselves and only 1 of them have it for commercial sale but too bad they didn't have that particular boot and have really limited stock for the other models. And they have been waiting for a shipment of these boots since last June in 2006! FUCKING low efficiency I say...but then again, it's probably due to the fact that even in the U.S. these boots are very much sought after. So the other 2 retailers quoted...happens to do orders for corporations or huge quantities eventhough they are definitely able to bring in just 1 pair of these boots for me but at a much higher price. Think economies of scale and you will understand...Well lucky me, I went down to 1 of these remaining 2 retailers to try the boot and FUCKING SHIT, they didn't have the samples...only after I got there did they found out that the samples were already sold off. But they did let me piggy-back their shipment of 700+ boots for the new Gurkha recruits. Got a final confirmation msg from one of their staff, Jasmine that my boots are in tomolo, 27 Apr 2007 Friday and to make up for my wasted trip to their office, I wasn't charge freight and handling and they will deliver the boot to me. Haha...Big Big Thank You Jasmine...you really know how to please your customers...hehe here the pic
Notice the big Ministry of Defence logo...hehe PROUD! And here's some quotes...

"Product Description
ALTAMA Desert Boots were originally created for Desert Storm and have evolved to include several versatile, durable and comfortable styles. Currently, these boots are used worldwide to fight the War on Terror. Padded Collar, Midsole - Leather, Removable Innersole - Cambrelle® Covered Molded Polyurethane, Nylon Coated Brass Speedhook/Eyelet Lacing System, Steel Shank"

Apparently it's the "STEEL SHANK" that's keeping me drooling over these boots...that's the stainless steel plate installed in the sole to prevent Punji Stakes from going thru your feet. Now that's cool and it's quite seldom to see people walking around Singapore with these waterproof, cool looking ass-kickers...Hahaha

Subconscious

2007-04-20T11:57:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Back in the days when I was still in my adolescence, I remembered clearly that during a particular art class, each student was given a fruit to draw. We had to mix the paint and play with assorted colors to paint the fruit we were given. So as usual, the weird side of me started to look around and see what the others actually did before I started. It's funny but seems like since young, I had this condition which some might tink it's paranoid but as far as I am concern, I tink is just alrite. I just like to sit rite at the end of the class with nothing but the cold, solid war behind me. I hated to have the feeling that someone is watching me from behind and with that kinda mentality, I really couldn't do anything without the constant fear. Though it's really nothing but still it just freaked me out...and the fact that I'd rather watch and observe what others are doing than to live in constant fear that I'm being watched. That carried way on into my teens and sort of waned as I grew older. I just like observing others and visualize how people react to certain situations or stimulus. The way people react and behave fasinated me greatly but at times, I find myself weird...

Ok back to the art subject...and so everyone else handed up their "Master Piece". So when the results were released back to us sometime later, I was really surprised that the art teacher spoke really insane words. She said that only 2 students out of the whole class had scored 90 and above outta 100 and I felt since I hated school, the probability of me being able to ace the subject was close to zero. Denial could only get me this far, I was 1 of the 2 aces.

My reason that provided an insight was as follows, "The teacher had deliberately given us different fruits to paint and that each fruit was not perfect. They had flaws, weird colors and strange shapes. The result had proven that a high percentage of students had actually drew what they WANTED TO SEE rather that what they SAW. This clearly justified that it's normal for everyone one to pursue perfection and that most cannot accept that there are imperfections. They simply cover the flaws and filter out stimulus that are inconsistent with their thoughts. And that resulted in them drawing what they thought they saw. Only me and the other student actually drew the exact fruit with the imperfections and discoloration. That was then I realise that I was one of the few who just might be artistically inclined. But then again I wasn't sure. I just felt that I was strange and different and I didn't fit in but the existence of another student with the same mentality comforted me. I had to admit she was a head-turner. The looks and the intelligence, too bad we didn't got together."

And so that was it...just had to fill this in after learning about LOW LATENT INHIBITON (LLI) from Prison Break series. A condition that Mike had suffered, coupled with his high IQ that makes him an instantaneous genius. Nope I am definitely not claiming I am a genius but just that conditions and disorders of the mind CANNOT be measured accurately. It's just weird.

Dedicated to you

2007-04-19T11:00:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

You are so far and yet so near

And dreams are so real yet transience

Your prescence is felt without your existence

And your smells still lingers here

I can't live without you yet I can't live with you

And I am nothing but a pawn in your disposal

Hope is a word that gives faith

And faith, only if you believe

Darkness is a vision that blinds

But illusion is pure deceit

Making sense...

2007-04-19T10:12:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well recently got this thingy for boots...yeap boots. Not goth or fetish but Military Spec boots especially the Desert Storm Tan series. Somehow after getting a pair of Timberland with Gold emblems from Japan last year didn't actually satisfy my desire. Got this thingy for military stuffs eventhough I have completed my liability for this nation. Maybe becos they last much longer than other commercial products given the value for money and also, it's not common to see assholes pull it off as a fashion statement in Singapore where street fashion for most brainless suckers are simply a flop. Yeap they simply have no FUCKING taste...following whatever the ugly trend is and God knows where they pick up the trend from.

Anyway, I googled for the boot I wanted and I founded Altama, a company that supply boots to kick the asses of terrorists. Yeah, they were used in both the Afghanistan and Iraq war and are standard issues for the U.S. military. God these boots are really awesome...then I went around trying to find these gems in Singapore. Well, the overall experience is FUCKING disappointing. None of the 3 retailers supplied to me by an email from Altama carried the appropriate sizes for me to try. And of the 3 retailers, only 1 entertain walk in customers while the other 2 do orders for mass orders and for corporations. From them I found out that a large shipment of around 700 of these boots are being shipped in for Gurkhas in Singapore. Fucking shit...they are the elite warriors protecting our soil and giving their lives when necessary and that commands them the rights to have these boots as a standard issue for new recruits.

And the rest of the population that serves the nation as well, conscripts for the SAF get ordinary boots. Maybe it's a budget issue, or some other issues that I do not bother and simply have no interest in. But the bottomline is that if you are an asset, you get the best stuffs while if you are nothing more that a mere liability, you get the commercial stuffs.

Nope, I am not feeling the slightest bit of jealousy here but you can always spend a little cash to get the things you want rather that trade your life and freedom for a lifetime of commitment.

Go figure.

Live my dreams for me my dear friend, my bro, my inspiration.

2007-04-13T10:39:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

While at work this morning, I was busying chatting with my junior poly mate who is also my gd friend and my bro. A Japanese raised in Singapore doing a degree in Australia. He was asking me about some car parts and from there I dug out some FREAKING awesome shocks. He was being featured in a Australian racing site..."http://www.timeattack.com.au/1990_r32_nissan_skyline_gtr.php"

My god, he's living my dreams...a monster machine, a soulmate, tracks and speed. No you really won't be distracted by redundant issues in the world...no relationship issues, no mother nagging, just you, your machine and tons of asphalt. That is attaining nirvana...a new level of existence, a new meaning in life.

Cheerios bro and kudos to you. Everything I wished I was, I wanted, I see them in you...Japanese, cars, soulmate, outta Singapore. God...live my dreams for me my bro...live the life I always wanted. But sad to say they will soon be your memories, your glory days...and they will fade...'cos you just said it, after graduating, it's back to this God forsaken place to work.

Well if there's is any possibilities in the future, I am really sure we will live our dreams together...I really do not rule out a possibility of collaboration in the future, to start a biz, to venture, to excel and to strike...

Chances...do I deserve them?

2007-04-05T12:53:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Chance, how many time will a person who have sinned either deliberately or innocently be granted? 1? 2? Just how many will be enuff? Though you might not know it, sometimes, people just ask or do things and will indirectly without thinking of the consequences and they seek to redress their grievences only after knowing that they have hurt someone else. But do laws give these people a chance? Not often the case if the cases are extreme.

Though I too have sinned and have disappointed you, I can only apologise and ask for forgiveness. As to whether will you give me another chance, I will not and shall not ask. I am sorry...it was a indirect question and an impromptu one with no strings attached and I do admit it's a stupid question but it's just that I rely a lot on trust. It's hard to trust anyone these days you know. And since not much is know about me or you so the stupid question. I hope everything can just be salvage and be the way it was like when I told you I was dreaming...I can sense the distance and I really do not like it. I am not possessive and many can vouch for it but rather it's more like a random question.

There's is nothing I can do much now but to once again wait for you to move a chess piece, only then will I be able to plot and move mine. I used to say that everyone else is just a mere chess piece on my chessboard that can be sacrificed but little did I realise that I have not knowingly become someone else's chess piece. I do have a choice to skip the chessboard but I do not seek that path for reasons only known to me. I hold on till an alternative comes along and I weigh the consequences to choose which side of the balance will I let go. I have been hurt real deep and I do not trust anyone else and this is the only way I can protect myself from collapsing which is by making everyone else collapse and you in turn will carry on this cycle to someone else.

I just want to sincerely apologise to you for making such a mistake but if you do want to blame me, please do so only after knowing what I have been through. I hope for better days to come and also to minimize the distance between us. *sigh* My love for you have cause you more hurt and sadness than what I initially set out to do, to give you happiness and warmth.

Like me, you longed for warmth and love but the past have gripped you tight and poisoned your mind only to lock away that pure, warmth heart in thick layers of ice. Before you get engulfed in angst and sins like me, I will show you the path to redemption...haha yeah, the path to the ultimate redemption. I shall turn you into someone more evil than me, more sick and more vicious. All is nothing but a illusion, an act, a play, a show. Haha...answerable only to myself, you will soon sow the seeds like how I had planned...until my master grant me eternity, I will have more minions to carry out my master plan...to turn this rotten work into something more rotten.

But at times, I really do feel something positive for humanity's sake. Maybe that's the missing angel in me that have been caged all these while. I will not waver and I will not fall...

A drug that decides life and death

2007-04-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

A miracle drug that God created, only to land in your hands. A drug that spells life and death for me just like Ryuk missing out on apples. A single dose set everything right, a devil to lose his wings and trident in exchange for a robe of white and a halo. But soon, Lucifer will spawn again.

It just a vicious cycle that my life is revolving around. Once the effects of the drug wears out, darkness sets in and all hell breaks lose. I get my drug, sanity to mankind, otherwise, you know very well what's gonna happen.

Thank you for saving my life once again and remember, you and only you chosen by the Prince of Darkness can hold that enormous power to sedate the evilness and atone all sins in me by releasing the antidote. So please remember to be kind to those who you do not know, yet they have sacrificed on your behalf. I am forever loyal you, my master.

And to die by your side is an honour but my time have not come yet.

I hate everything and everyone else.

2007-04-04T20:48:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am really trying my best to hang on all these while...so fucked up my life that you probably wont even care to understand or know. All thanks to you that I chose to screw up my otherwise blessed life. Yet I am not blaming you now, you wouldn't even bother to care given that you are already so tied up with your own problems. Though I cant understand how you feel or experience the mental truma you are going through, I ani't living a life of roses either. If you think you are going crazy, I am fucking sure I will get to a asylum before you do. Just that suicide is child's play to me these days, i wouldn't even consider wasting it for something so redundant.

Hanging on, I am almost on the bringe of collapsing but do you know? Well you wont and probably wouldn't even give a fuck. Everyone have 24 hours a day and yet not a single second can you spare for me. Giving up is not an option for me but I guess if the day I collapse, giving up will be the path to redemption. I am in no fucking position to ask where the fuck are you when I needed you as you would probably ask me the same fucking question. You are damn strong headed and self-centred yet I am a sucker who cant survive a single day with an antidote and you, of all the people have to hold the antidote. FUCKED!

People can be so FUCKED with their lives and though I seriously don't give a fucking shit what everyone elses think, I only care about myself. I am selfish and self centred and I am a fucking jerk. Welcome to me FUCKED, condemn world where angst and disgust engulf human's soul forcing everyone to slain everyone else so that in the end, only 1 will remain.

Since the last entry, my mental condition is seriously rotting away, each day looking for more sacrifices, lies and deceit. Occasionally I regain sanity but usually, I am just deceiving myself and everyone else. This is indeed a FUCKING tough route to take but it's just outwit, outplay, outlast. If I had a gun, I will shoot all FUCKERS that is making everyone elses' lives difficult and you know who I am fucking referring to. All who oppose my idealogy.

Just like Death Note, this world is so FUCKED and there are just so many redundant FUCKERS that the world are better off without them!

FUCKED!

The Storm of Shadows

2007-03-19T23:15:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Decided by a foreign force, I cannot and will not decide my next move. Though disappointment is usual when I can't take it anymore, these have been rather frequent these days. I sincerely hope that they do not become a common relapse and excuse for me to justify my actions. Walking on an extremely fragile and fine line of sanity, I just can't plot my next move. Rather, I await my opposition to lead my moves.

Things are hard but I guessed I'd probably survive but still I have to remind that please treasure the things around for sometimes, it's only when you lose them or that they are not with you anymore would you only realise their existence and their importance. And besides, sometimes once you lose them, there is no way you can ever have them back so please treasure whatever that there is around you and don't take them for granted. In the book of life, there is no room for regrets as time will move on with or without you. So look forward and have a clear vision on your goals and work towards it but at the same time, do not forget the benefactors that put you where you are today. So no matter how tough the journey is, don't give up until you get there. The proccess to your goals make sense only to yourself for everyone else, it's the results that matters to them. They do not give a shit about how hard the journey is. At the end of the day, they will praise you and be with you when you succeed but they will abandon you with nothing but sacarsm when you fail.

Life as it is will always be full of ups and downs but nonetheless, never be beaten by it. If a need arise, seek a channel, a medium to displace the fustration. Be it legal or illegal, moral or immoral, it's your call. Since you can't change your past, might as well live with it and make decisions today that will change your future. And it's because life is never a smooth sailing journey, you learnt important lessons, adapt to changes, and respect and appreciate everything around. Ain't no saint or God to understand these simple aspects of life but sometimes, the downs are just storms bringing shadows to haunt you, tormenting you whenever there is light of your past. They will blow away soon but be prepared for another one to come and they will keep coming until you becomes a discarded pawn piece on God's chessboard.

Walking in another person's shadow is frightening but it is more frightening to walk in your own shadows. They will follow you wherever you go and watch whatever you do. There is no way to cast them away unless the sun never shines again. Walk in darkness and let flames consume your soul. No you do not need the devil to do that but be the devil yourself. Light is blinding and misleading but darkness is quiet and mysterious. Living in a life of darkness is not really that bad...so when night falls, just be prepared to look over your shoulder to make sure that there is no one or shadows following you.

See you around.

Welcome me back...

2007-03-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Firstly let me welcome me back to this twisted angst-filled community once again. My only source of alter-ego where me, only me reign supreme over all you filths! The 6 months lapse from Sept 2006 till today, I shall not justify it in anyway simply because I FUCKING dont need to explain myself to anyone!

Nothing much have change except that I am losing my faith each day as my main inspiration and support is crumbling away with time. My fuse's got shorter and I am SO GOD DAMN FUCKED each and everyday of my life. Got no more channels to let out my angst, isolated and FUCKED! I hate each and everyone of you motherfuckers out there. I have simply lost it...I see no hope, no future...God, who ever you are and what ever religion you are heading, grant me a 9mm so I can pump lead to all those who oppose me. Everything is just FUCKING LIES and illusionary. Yet I don't see my end but rather I see all you motherfuckers DIE!

A friend of mine of 10+ years got married yesterday morning and I was there to witness the proccess. Really blessed and sweet or just digging a grave of future problems? I really don't know. Each and everyday I intoxicate myself with more and more tabacco and alcohol and I keep telling myself not to lose it but I know I am just acting strong.

*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*
*FUCKED*

The Dough

2006-09-22T08:21:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yeah the truth is out...and I guess everyone regardless of race, religion of ethnicity share the same views. The dough is the sole reason why we work our ass off for...'cos yesterday was the first day I did overtime to rake up more dough to finance my Japan spree. Boy was I losing the battle to fatigue...but then again of I truimphed in the end. Left the place around 9.30 and took a cab back as the company's payin for it. And today I will do it again and next week and the week after that...hehe I AM HARD FOR CASH!

A litte update...

2006-09-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

First up, I bought a game for my PSP. Got a second hand Valkyrie Profile to save a little cash and somehow the guy who sold me claims he only tried once and he didn't like it so he sold it. Looking at the condition of the box and disc, I kinda believed he a little..he look like a grown up Ah Beng while his wife look like a grown up Ah Lian...Hehe pardon me for passing such remarks about them but THIS IS MY FUCKING BLOG afterall. Haha got a little carried away there...also got a white Audio Technica FC5 headphones to compliment my white psp after the old earphones crashed. Actually it's only the right side that crashed but...what the hell!

Okie, the clock is set...I'm literally couting down the days to 20 Oct where my, your royal Highness is set to go Japan. Hehe really looking forward to that.

Oh yeah, recently have been getting some Sammi's old songs like back in the 90s times so it's like really nostalgic to listen to these songs that accompanied me for a part of my adolecence years. Boy I swear I really missed those days... And regarding the inline hockey thingy...really I have to seriously get a job after I get back from Japan to embark on it. Probably just a stick and puck to pick up my own training first. Sharks, miss a couple of important meetings last Sunday and on Monday. Can't seem to figure out why by my mind is just too occupied with emptiness.

Today is just Great...

2006-09-14T08:12:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

And the reason why is because someone hehe yeah someone almost cried why she received my belated birthday present. Haha not quite what I intended but it's a really really GREAT feeling that all your hard work and efforts paid off and are appreciated. Not a mere satisfactory feeling or consolation to make one feel good but genuinely, a feeling that can't be explain with mere words.

Today's Thursday, and I'm wearing bermudas to work...the same trademark dress style of a typical ME! Full black littered with white and red. Brought my BIG haversack with my skates inside. Going for my "Personal Inline Hockey Training" straight after my work near my place. So I really hope I don't get screwed by anyone today with regards to my dressing. Well well, maybe the culture in this company is pretty laid back so I think, okay it's just my opwn hypothesis, that I will not get into any forms of trouble.

The truth is that in the morning I was a little worried that I might get stopped by those security guys patroling the train stations as this military bag of mine looks BIG with skates. Well all thanks to the London FUCKING bombers, once in a while I do get the checks for this kind of bag.

So that's it...my day's great so what about yours?

Revival

2006-09-12T08:12:00.004+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday nite went down to a court near my house to practice some hockey moves and to brush up on the agility factor...yeah had a couple of tumbles and my poor left palm took quite a beating but I ended up being able to execute a right running cross. Practice for like about an hour before heading back home to slack.

Went online to look for some songs...somehow the old songs that I used to grow up with seems to revive all those sweet memories about love, breakups and all the little details not forgetting the stupid things one did for love. Songs like Somebody by Depeche Mode, Nobody Knows by Tony Rich Project and If you were My Baby by Rick Price...hmmm it's just so sweet sitting there hearing all these good old songs and reminiscing the past.

Revival and really when I close my eyes, I can almost feel it all coming back, so real I could almost touch it but it just fades and reality sets in. I really miss my past and I really wished I could go back someday...all the things that I didn't do and the things that I didn't say...

And this particular phrase from Nobody Knows really had me going there..."Why didn't I say the things I needed to say, how could I let my angel get away..." Reminisce...had always been a great part of me and I guess it will still be for a long time to

Confessions on Monday

2006-09-11T08:08:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Weekend was great...went out skating on Sat at Sentosa with Jireh and gang and then crash and burn from Sentosa to Suntec city. Found a really nice place at Suntec but I shall not disclose any details...to prevent any unnecessary attention or legal suits, hehe. Went there to bathe to rid the stench after all those long hours of skating. Sunday went to see some hockey gear...hmm seems like I'm done for it...going back to inline hockey. The gear look really nice but it'll still cost me around like 350 to be appropriately equipped to play or even for training. But here's the catch...I have to save up to go Japan. Just bought a 1/24 scale AE86 from Hotworks Racing last week and that depleted my Japan funds by $80...Damn so I really had to consider spending the money. So I guess now it's just drooling over it. Applied for a post for a assistant dealer with regards to the job ad on Sat's papers. Hope I can get it as it's a really big and reputable Japanese company.

Say I think I'm forgetting Friday...Friday wasn't that great as someone flew me aeroplane once again and I know it will be again for a long time to come. She just can't stop giving excuses and I'm so disappointed. Ok I shall not let that spoil my week. Woke up late and stepped into the office 10min past the time that I'm supposed to. But all's not lost...I was invited to a Food Fiesta by my company and THANK GOD my ex Boss, Adele was so kind to help me get the badge 2 weeks before. And so I was off to the foodie thingy at 12.90pm and because it's the first Friday of the month, we had like a Foodie Friday thingy at around 11 am so Friday was like a eat and get fat day. I really didn't work that much on Friday and eventhough I knew that no one could cover in my abscence, I really couldn't care less...afterall it's not my damn problem.

So now it's Monday, I see shit loads of stuffs from last Friday and I knew it...hehe shits just come pouring in.

A tribute to you, Mr Irwin

2006-09-05T08:28:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday the world lost another great person, Mr Steve Irwin aka Crocodile Hunter. He was stung by a stingray while filming a documentary. The news reported that the fatal blow struck his heart. It's like what the papers said, it's so ironical that he actually make one of the world's most dangerous creatures, the croc which happens to be from the prehistoric era look tame only to concede defeat to such a small creature, a stingray.

*Sigh* maybe the heavy downpour this morning was Heavens way of feeling remorseful for taking him back.

The Moment of Truth...

2006-09-04T08:09:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Sat, yes the one that just passed, was really really a great experience for me. Why, 'cos I was invited to a Japanese exchange programme organised by YMCA Singapore. 101 Japanese from Kumamoto Japan were here for a short tour and boy was I glad that I was invited by by friend to attend it. It was like I bumped into him a couple of weeks ago and we started chatting and he sort of invited me. WHOOOOOO! Way to go man...but it's was more like a volunteer thingy and I really wouldn't mind...I mean who will? Haha but on the day itself, I was a little nervous but exploding with enthusiasm...really. Why, not that I have not been to Japanese exchange programmes but this time it's like I really get to interact with them in JAPANESE! Which of course means that what I had studied for 4 years will be put to the test. The person in charge gave a short briefing before the whole thingy started and one of the most important thingy she said was, " They can't speak English!" and I was like "OMFG! this is THE moment of truth!"

Then a couple of minutes later all hell broke loose! Haha and I realised that all that I had learnt paid off. The first thingy that those Japanese ask me when I spoke to them was, " Are you JAPANANESE?" Wow...I swear I almost came! Haha and of course I had to be humble and deny any forms of flattery. Haha what a way to go. Then we had like a small class "Break the ice" session and most of the Singapore volunteers can't speak shit Japanese and I swear I had the most fun.

Oh and there was this really cute and sweet looking girl named Aiko but her group was like filled with DISTASTEFUL, DISGUSTING and SICK Singaporean Ah Bengs...What a pity. The Ah Bengs were urging each other to go get Aiko's number and contacts but they know shit Japanese and so I played the Knight in DEVIL's armour and I hooked up with Aiko, chatted and made her smile JUST to satisfy my sick alter-ego to see the pathetic looks on the Ah Bengs' faces. You know the kind that you look really pissed like someone slept with your girl but it just turned out the you look constipated to me 'cos you can't do shit to either me or salvage the situation. Haha boy I really had it coming...making those Ah Bengs look stoopid.

After that we went out to town and it's like every Japanese group wanted my prescence as none of the Singapore volunteer attached to them could speak Jap. Haha suddenly I was so hot in demand that when I was absent, the Jap chicks would ask where I am. Wow...I LIKE IT! Haha but really this only shows that YOU GOTTA FUCKING GO LEARN JAPANESE! Haha and the conclusion is that I would DEFINITELY invite my friends whom I'm so indebted and grateful for the next exchange programme at MY SCHOOL!

That's it for now as I had to get back to work before my boss fry my lard ass!

Bad things are like diarrhoea...

2006-08-31T08:10:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It started yesterday and till today it's still wrecking havoc in everyone's lives. Well what am I talking about? My best friend the rain of course. I have a soft side for rain and I love rain. Why 'cos it's a subtitution for snow which will never happen here. So that sort of explains what happen.

Oh yeah back to the title...the day before yesterday which is Tuesday, I heard that my friend's grandmother had passed on, my condolences. And yesterday I was stood up by a relatively important figure of my life and it's not the first time I was stood up. I counted...the numbers exceeded 10. They may be valid reasons but even these reason will soon be redudant after being stood up so many times! Limits...I do hve limits and if you should cross it, you'll have to face my shits. Sometimes I really can't understand how people think and do things and I think I never want to know. All I know is that being stood up so many FUCKING times is really unpleasant that even an angel will become a devil!

Following that I found out that I can't call my confidante and that really sucks. Not everyone can be a good listener so I seldom discussed such unpleasant issues with everyone but this one, she IS indeed special. And then my boss's bf have to fly to U.S. for 3 weeks and she was pretty much affected by it. And I tink on Tuesday, A MOTHERFUCKING bengala accidentally hit me on the eyebrows while on the MRT and he MOTHER FUCKING didn't apologise. I swore I almost wanted to get even with him if not for the rest the other SHITTY BENGALAS in the same cabin. MOTHER FUCKER at least have some courtesy to say sorry. BRAINLESS idiots like this should be wasted along with all their imbecile ancentors and decendents which are possible defects of a failed experiment that went terribly wrong. A fusion of shits with more shits.

Bought Mac home for dinner and while at the counter, the "Duh" staff spilled the damn green tea next to me. Got my shoes and pants sprinkled with sweet juices. Damn bad things happen like diarrhoea, just when you thought it had ended more will come. While diarrhoea burns the pathetic little hole, these bad things burns the pathetic soul. Thank God it rained last evening and it was such a raging storm that washed even the slightest anger away from me eventhough I was soaked. I LIKE IT!

Acquired PSP Def Jam recently and was quite pleasant to play it as it like a new toy thingy...the appeal and novelty factor will keep you there for a while before something else take over.

Ok it's back to work now and I know a lot of people will be late and soaked in the rain. Have fun suckers!

What's up with this week?

2006-08-23T08:10:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Okay so this is what happens yesterday. My boss's boss once asked me why am I so quiet when I'm working...and I said nothing. Now as I begin to talk more to the other collegues, she said I talk too much. When I first started work, I worked late everyday then she told me there was no OT pay so don't work past the time I was scheduled. Yesterday she told me that I cannot just pack my bags and leave after the time I was scheduled and that I should stay back and finish my work. Ok my boss was offered a better position in the Finance department and my boss's boss, all I know is that she is MADE IN CHINA and that I REALLY REALLY tired to no discrimate or have any form of prejudice against her in the beginning but her first smile to me was so sinister. I really gave her chances to prove me wrong that nothing good comes out from that GOD Forsaken land other than my dad and others.

All else have failed. Once again my hypothesis is proven, the people from there simply SUCKS big time. I really cannot imagine what the FUCK is with her. And she can smile so sarcastic to everyone and SUCK UP to anyone who wield power in the company. But the truth is that she knows nothing and she wants to be part of everything. BRAINLESS MOTHERFUCKERS!

And last week I took a half day leave on Friday and the work was snowballed into 3 days of work by Monday and I was screwed for that. I mean if I'm really that vital to the company, shouldn't they compensate me a little more? And the best part is that the PIECE OF SHIT BOSS aka POSB knows nothing about my work and she screwed me. WHAT THE FUCK! And she actually have the guts to offer me the position to take over my boss. I told her straight in her face, "You pay me a degree pay, I might consider." and luckily she didn't ask me how much as I already knew she so FUCKING "neow" so she won't ask me.

FUCKING NO BRAINER can't even spell my name properly and she claims she's been to university. U my ass. She spells my name as "denial". FOOK YOU.

Luckily weekend is around the corner and as each day pass by, I'm 1 day closer to Japan. Wait for my Japan...I'll be there soon.

Resurrection...is it possible?

2006-08-21T08:04:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Saturday afternoon, after my Japanese class, I went blading at East Coast Park with my friends. Then at nite I went down to Jurong ice rink to meet up my army friend. He was a ice hockey player with WinterFlames. Going back to the ice rink really made me recall my past, how I used to spent so much time skating there in my mid teens. Wow, when I close my eyes, I can really see it all coming back. My friend kept urging me to come back and play ice hockey, but...money was the issue. I had to get my gear all over again and that's like quite hard. I'm working my darn ass off everyday to go Japan and spurge so ain't got no spare cash for this. But then again the ambience and the feel there just made the burning adrenalin inside my veins explode! I WANT TO GO BACK and play.

Maybe, yeah just maybe after I return from Japan, I'll work a bit, get a pair of decent skates and pick it all up. I said mybe only so really can't promise anything. I've got better uses for my finances. Hmmm...wish I can get a load of cash now so I don't have to work so hard but that's definitely not gonna work out as I'll just get more greedy and lazier.

So back to the title, Resurrection is it even possible? Well the bottomline is that money makes almost everything possible. One day I shall rise from the ashes and on this day, a new hope is born. Yeah right, hehe I'm just making it sound all corny there so I can feel the past coming back, the youth-charged energy flowing thru my body.

Ok...like a really special person in my life once said, I'm always dreaming. Hehe and all these years of my life, she was THE and I stress again, THE only person that pointed out that to me and so I sort of have to let go of my all-so-sweet "world" and return to the reality that suck!

SCREWed and OWNED!

Haha GOOD FRIDAY...

2006-08-18T08:14:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Okay here it goes, went to the Polar cakes and puffs at Raffles MRT to grab my breakfast. Well the usual procedure is to go order your sutffs and then go the the cashier to queue and pay. Then there was this uptight tall BITCH (FUCK YOU FUCKED UP TALL UGLY BITCH AND YES I MEAN YOU!) that went straight in front of me while I was q-ing to pay. And she actually ordered from the cashier ordering the shop staffs to assist to her. So when she didn't get what she wanted, she started to push her weight around and spoke to the poor shop staff in a really PISS-ME-OFF tone. I said, "You're suppose to order from there and queue here!" and she replied, "I always order here!" I really didn't argue with such low-mentality TALL UGLY BITCH. Damn should have taken a picture of here ugly face and flame her here.

Then after she left, I uttered, "What a FUCKED UP BITCH!" and the shop staff smiled at me and said, "These people always don't queue" and I guess that was for defending them earlier but on the contary, they really should not serve customers who are stupid. Less 1 UPTIGHT UGLY BITCH won't really affect the business as after all she only bought 1 pathetic egg FART, oops I mean tart for a mere $1.

So I came back to the office to have my breakfast and I slotted $0.60 in the vending machine in my office. I pressed the "Heaven and Earth Green Tea" and "POPPED" came 2 cans for the price of 1. Wow what a rewarding Friday. Just hope the Jasmine Green Tea can cool me down. Hehe TALL UGLY UPTIGHT BITCH really make my day. Cheeros to you BIATCH!

FOOK YOU!

Wednesday Mid-week...

2006-08-16T07:54:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

This Monday, I woke up late and I thought I was gonna be late for work but still I was early by 20mins. Then by Tuesday, I was struggling to survive through the week with each day, my attitude for work decreasing tremendously. I wake up every morning contemplating about going to work, but really the truth is that work load is heavy and it's totally a no brainer job. Pay is pretty pathetic and I far exceed the requirements for the job. Damn my agent for getting me shit jobs. Then again beggers can't be choosers so for temp shit, I can only stick to this kind of no brainer, no life and pathetic pay shits.

Leaves and MCs, I'm just thinking which day should I throw them. But no work means no pay and I know very well that I'll spurge when I go Japan. SCREWED!! I guess I'm just plain lazy eventhough there are a couple of really nice people around me that tells me I look good and I'm talented. I say "THANK YOU" but seriously I'm just a lazy, fat asshole that will disappoint all you expectations. Yeah look on the bright side you say, but money IS the bright side. Now I really see money as a darn important thing that shines and glitters. Yes money is NOT everything but without money you are NOTHING! Face it, this is SINGAPORE, and the equations goes "STUDY+UNIVERSITY=BIG MONEY". At least that's what everyone thinks and another weird theory, "you can only have sex after you are married." Ha so it means that sex is equal to having kids? So you should do it after getting married? So marriage is the key to unlock sex which is only done to procreate?

Haha weird stuffs you get there...Well you definitely can disagree with any shits that I raise here but after all this is my FUCKING blog you are reading so raise any conflicts you want but accept my views.

Breakfast sucks big time this morning and shit loads of work to be done later, an accumulation from last Friday. Man I think today will be really FUCKED up and I have to be wearing a DAMN mask all day long. BLOODY HELL...FUCKED UP, SCREWED and I love JAPAN.

My life so far

2006-08-11T08:04:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Sometimes, when I get lonely or bored, I tend to take a little time to look around me and reflect my life journey so far. It's not like I'm gonna die or nor am I preparing a will but sometimes, it's just good to take things a little slowly and appreciate what's goin on for the moment.

Well not quite words from a philosopher but I can really say that my life's pretty good so far. I was born in a slightly above average family so when I was young, didn't really have to worry about finances. It's just that my mum's pretty strict so I didn't really get to enjoy my adolescence period. I was pretty rebellious and as a result I really didn't enjoyed it willingly. But I must confessed, I made really great friends that would probably last till the day I die. After that I made even more great friends. Somewhere around mid-teens, I experience love for the very first time but I screwed it up so badly so it only lasted like a coupke weeks. Then came the waiting game and finally tragedy that changed my life. I pretty much screwed up everyone else's lives after that. Looking back, a little remorseful for those sinful deeds but never really much repentent or apologetic. Only sincerely and genuinely sorry to one particular angel who touched my life. I wanna say THANK YOU.

Well I do have really great friends and family and now I'm embarking on my career after completing the necessary academic shits that decides my future. Man...I really can't imagine that my life is decided by technically useless pieces of paper! But still I get all pessimistic at times. Withdrawn and paranoid.

I know I'm weird but it's ok. I'm really appreciative for all those who help me along the way and to everyone who have directly or indirectly affected my life and also to my arch nemesis and enemies. Thank You all people for making me who I'm am today...but still too much regrets is bugging me and so one day I shall sink with my regrets. I know I've been trying hard to let go and forget...but I can't.

Salvation is what I seek. God bless and have a great weekend.

Missing You

2006-08-10T07:58:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Watching day break each morning,
I wonder if the skies and sun you see,
are the same as mine.
And as dusk approaches,
what would be the moon and stars that you see.
Will they be the same as mine.
I pondered.
As a new day begins each day,
I see people passing by,
but my world seems so empty,
for they are mere strangers.
Everyone else is just superfacial.
I begin to feel my memories.
Even it's only a mental state of mind,
I could feel your warm embracing me,
smoothing my soul and mind.
And after a long day,
I return home waiting for another boring day.
I wondered.
What will you be doing.
Will you be happy,
or sad.
Will you be cold,
or lonely.
Maybe it's just me.
Just me missing you.

Here's more Hisa and Yui...

2006-08-07T22:43:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

More pics for your eyes to feast...but dont get caught drooling for I'm seriously not responsible for whatsoever effects the following pics might have on you...see at your own RISK!

Man...being born with such a face...*sigh* is a desire that everyone wished they had. But, me so happen to be his friend...MUHAHAHAHA! So I seriously do not have the desire to have a pretty face...eventhough deep down inside still linger some envy. Come on, let's face it...60 billion people in the world and say like a 0.00000000000000001% of the population are blessed with such features? Ok did I blasted the proportion a bit too far? Well it do make perfect sense that only a small nano minority as compared to the majority are considered here AND SO WHAT DO THE REST OF US DO?

We work our lard ass off slogging every single shitty day trying to please someone be it out bosses, girlfriends, boyfriends, strangers, friends...the list go on. My point is that the social norm allow pretty faces to get a lot of things done much easier. ESPECIALLY where customer service or sales or advertising is involved. But hey don't fret...fear not 'cos there's always 2 sides of the coin...so all I can suggest is that we just have to find our own potential and work on it. If you succeed, hey presto! Charisma is born...and charisma is...well I don't have to spell it out for you rite? In case you are cracking your silly brains out figuring WHAT THE FUCK am I talking about? Well I just so happen to miss my daily shot of JIM BEAM BLACK and that explains the silly blabbering! Pardon me but really...mesmerise with charisma is a lot more potent and lethal
that a pretty face. Not I'm not saying that having a pretty face is not good but I'm just suggesting an alternatives to those who are not blessed with such fortune.

Ok I guess I'll just end here for now...

A new beginning, a new hope...

2006-08-07T08:16:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Ha the title sounds like a rip off from StarWars...but at least there's some truth to that. Am I sad, I ask myself the same question over and over again...and my answer? Well denial is lying. A brand new day, a brand new week followed by months and years...it has started and there's no turning back. I kinda knew it from the start the the inevitable day will arrive the day I started, it's like karma you know, you reap what you sow so there's simply no reason or whatsoever to blame anyone or anything else...believe is the only thing that truely matters. Yes it's just a simple "BELIEVE" that will probably keep even the darkest nightmares away and the most vivid dreams and hopes alive.

Somehow I really didn't expect the aftermath rippling effect to be of such a great scale. I guess I'm slow that's all like in the old times when I only get it after delay of some time. But this time is really different if I must state...for I'm pressing on and believing that preseverence will get me there somehow, someday. I have come so far so and the end is all that matters. It really doesn't matter how you get there...it's really the end that everyone and me will care. Ardous, yes but still each day I live by this faith that have kept me alive long enuff and have prevented me from falling...

A little farewell for now...but reunion is on the way...

Good luck and God bless...

Welcome to my SCREWED UP life...

2006-08-03T08:06:00.000+08:00

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Heavens really make sport of man...with less than 56 hours to go, shit happens! With money being the issue which I never thought even in my darkest nightmares would befall on me. With a simple you-pay-for-me-first thingy and later then I pay you back kinda stuff 'cos I didn't bring enuff money resulting in a stand off with much ugly and distasteful information being pried from me...I am utterly disappointed. I was screaming "WHY?" last nite to gain control of my dispersed soul, to recollect my self back and to not collapse in disappointment.

So with so much guilt and disappointment, I really wonder how I can function properly today at work. I am really not in the mood for anything now. Lost is an understatement and I forcast a really bad storm brewing in me. I'm so FUCKED today...

SCREWED up...SCREWED up! Great disappointment befalls when your GREAT expectations fall despite the tremendous effort and the inhuman sacrifices that you commited. I have sinned, in fact I have sinned so deeply that redemption is out of the question. God please have mercy on my soul...