Is this where I should stop...

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Staying true to my original schedule, I had a rather unexpected long summer break as compared to previous years. But I reckoned that this might just be the calm before the storm as a blessing like this seems rather unlikely in the light of the current global epidemic catastrophe. The potent (but not as lethal as SARS) H1N1 virus is causing quite a ruckus and the quarantine being served to me will definitely lengthened my holidays at the expense of other soon to come, unpleasant occurrences for at least that was what I wanted to believe since there is no such thing as a free lunch.

1 extra week earlier to head home and 1 extra week later to start work. All this totals my annual holidays to more than 2 months and I mean PAID holidays. Of course there is a catch to all this and that the difference lies in the fact that back home I am not scrutinized 24/7 by preying eyes and I am pretty much free to venture outside my house given that nothing really severe develops from there. Whereas here and I mean here in Japan, I had to dutifully serve out my "sentence" since the chances of me rubbing shoulders with someone familar in the crowds are relatively high. To escape this possibility, I chose to sleep 50 odd hours away in 1 week since I didn't want to waste those well-deserved holidays. That is until my curious nature whisked me away and I popped by those less prominent places for a change.

And here comes the mental block which I am having trouble releasing a fresh refresh. It's weird since my limited command of the language can only allow me to espress a small fraction of my mental well-being. Let start from a long long time ago when I had a dream to follow and I was ready to ditch everything around me to embark on it. Now my mind is reading a different set of prophecies. One that light a path of return to the place of the origin. The other to continue blazing the path and never look back. Indeed I am at a self-imposed crossroad locked in my own asylum of thoughts. Issues that didn't seem to bother me in the past are no longer flickering at the back of my head...they are instead real vivid images that I could stretch out my hand and touch them. I longed for many things, people and places that I had denied, I longed for those hugs and kisses, those intimate moments, those movie sessions...The elders have all aged with more wisdom and I am becoming one step closer to losing them. These unhealthy thoughts are frightening and at times I would imagine myself going before them so that I can skup the teary and heart crushing part. Silly you might say but these are the very scenes that loop in my head time and again.

No great cause for alarm since I am not confessing that I am losing my sanity but rather I have occasional major relapses that are emotionally inclined. These can be attribted to the fact that I live alone in isolation but there's always another side of the story. You see at times like this I want time on one side of the balance and youth on the other side of the balance which in reality is impossible simultaneously. Using the same analogy, I want the abundance of space, fresh breathing air and vast mountainous landscapes to greet me daily and yet at the same time I want my families, my love ones, my stuffs, money, friends, etc to be by my side as well which of cours can't be done.

Sometimes I really hate to admit but I used to loathe my mum and her constant naggings, etc but now the silence that I am enjoying now are pretty empty. I do miss my mum and my dad and my brothers but still I want my freedom to do everything else. What would I do if I gave up everything that I had built from ground Zero, packed up and head back home only to find out that I still very much want to live in this dream of mine? When that time really comes, what should I do? Families aside, I really do miss my friends and those really special soulmateswhom I could run to and bury my head in their bosoms to cry or to snuggle up close with them and hope that morning doesn't come.

I am not sure if all this is just the result of a bad trip or a nightmare but I am sure these are real and very very real. Still standing at this crossroad, I begin to think of our forefathers who travelled across oceans to settle in SG. Maybe now it's the time where I should do so to explore abroad, neglect kindship and other factors that bind Chinese customs and roots. I am lost and I am not seeking a sign from God because this IS the path that I have chosen. And like I have said a million times before, I might not be a firm believer of any religion but I have no religion to lose. If one day I should cross paths with God and I get to see him / her in person, then that will be the day I convert to a particular sect with my heart and soul willingly.

Though I know that this time round I am merely keeping up with appearences with many people back home since I just don't have the heart to crumble their dreams. Like me, many of them had carved a path that they too wish to embark on. Their source of inspiration I presumed may or may not be drawn either directly or indirectly from me since I happened to be one of the few who went rogue and ventured to shores beyond. They most certainly look up to me since each time I talked to them, their eyes seems to glimmer with enthusiasm and all that simply reminds me of the past when I used to be like them idolizing someone else. That is when the egoistic nature of man himself puts pride as one of the 7 deadly sins for a damn good reason. And for that very reason itself, I am not willing to reveal to these sweet believers how frail I am actually on the inside and each day my rotten core is hollowing away to nothing more than an empty shell in the enar future. I do fear that day to come since I had not accomplished anything amazing feats till date. The damn usual paper chase in SG, the corporate ladder office politics and the "money rules everything" mentality have discounted me numerous times on various occasion and I seriously DO NOT LIKE it! Fuck all these trash!

So then it really comes to a point that I would not want to run or deny anymore and if you are reading this then too bad. I am desperate to find someone to fill in the void that is even if it's temporary since I had long considered someone of "sibiling" nature. I do lust for you...Just someone to hug on cold days, someone to wake up to and kiss me goodnithe, someone to ride the tides of time with me and someone who DO NOT show silly signs of independence, pride, ignorance or presumption!

Screw everything else!