Am I being punished?

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Like everyone else, every citizen and every good samaritan, I am just a regular normal human being run by a certain set of beliefs and principles. And like every masculine species that roamed Earth since pre-historic times, I do yearn for a comfortable shoulder to weep, a warm tender hug in winter, a rejuvernatiung smile in the morning all from 1 person...a girlfriend.

But I have none to begin with...well...actually there are, but I denied them. I am searching and I searching but still no luck. Maybe I am picky or something...or was it retribution? What's wrong with choosing since life is all about making the right decisions?

Sometimes to a certain extent, I am actually attributing this strange phenomenon to the place that I am living in. In exile with no one to interact but strangly enuff, I was actually singing praises about such a lifestyle earlier on. How ironic and how my mental stability are being questioned.

Long gone are those sweet tender kisses, warm hugs and fanciful dinner, long gone are those slow walks in the evening, holding hands and the fragrance of the hair, long gone are those reflections of the velvet night sky in the eyes of the once most beautiful lady in front of me, long gone are those wild and crazy ideas I am willing to serve for my Lady...Now with the harsh, cold winter approaching, I can feel more angst rising to keep me warm and alive just to realise that I am all alone.

I can feel my biological clock ticking and I am anxious, desperate at times but still I am unmotivated and unreluctant to sucumb to anyone in the street. I have to fulfil my destiny...

God, for once stop playing MGS4 on the PS3 and grant me a vision, an answer or anything that will guide me to her. Fate like everyone puts it quite simply, was that 1 think I am lacking to meet her. Yeah easy for all you folks to say but a little action would be appreciated. Superfacial, all talk and no action is what I think. I am practical and realistic so if some greater power or being is believed to be present, give me a sign to prove it. Stop wasting my time...

See...I have come to the extent to even fault God for my shortfall but that only shows how lonely and pathetic I am. Shine me a path before I lose my love for her, the world and everything else. And then I shall welcome the darkside with open arms...

*Argh* my social well being is at stake now...

Nosey Parker Exposé (Explicit Content)

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Just when I was all excited to get back to work, just when I was whining how easy and no brainer my job was, just when I was bragging how easy I got this no brainer job, just when everything was falling into pieces like dust gently settling...a vicious vixen shed it's goofy fool hoofs and bare it's ugly inerts at me. This time round no more charismatic nice gentleman at your disposal. This entry will be flooded with vocabuary deem good enoungh for you bitch so be warned.

Not too sure the exact cause of what triggered the explosion, be it your menopause, monthly ritual bleeding or your dog's inability to please you in bed, all these had nothing to do with me. I am an ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and you are no better. You are simply a PART TIME TEACHER and I do not GIVE A FUCK if you did graduate from the States or that you can speak 3 languages like I do. What I FUCKING CARE is that what I do at work like surfing porn, downloading games or creating entries like this to FLAME YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, is simply my problem so don't you care. I have tried in the beginning and the Head Teacher simply tell me that I alone can't change SHITS that some stubborn bunch of half dead Ah Peks in the legislation had set. Not forgeting some impromptu Demostration Class I had in the Elementary school which had my sorry ass fried for taking the lead in the class. So I will BE THE FUCKING ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and not contribute unless I am told to. Why the hell do you think I would lose all the inspiration to change the lessons? Think with your brain and not your cunt you FUCKING SHITHOLE OF A WHORE. Such audacity to serve a cold platter of sarcasm in my face mid day...Whoa! Scary but I bet you can do better.

The Principal doesn't complain, the vice Principal doesn't complain and even the head teacher doesn't complain so DON'T YOU EVER COME UP TO ME and TELL ME I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET, YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING BEASTIE WHORE OF UNKIND NATURE. What else do you expect me to do. Sleep, play my PSP or improve my harsh entry like this for you. Mind you I am doing something productive to myself like trading in Forex and reading Wikipedia to widen my knowledge. I am not simply staring at the screen...and I am most uncomfortable staring into your blasted FUCK FACE now. My boss tells me that I have to be in here from 0830 to 1630 even when I have nothing productive to do. In other words, I am not better than wasting my time sleeping everyday at home. So of course I surf the internet and do what ever I like...these are nothing against the law, not prohibited in the clause of the contract and most definitely not affecting others around me. Silently I sit at my desk and mind my own business and you tell me I spend too much time on the internet? Are you even sure you know what I am doing with the internet? Do you even have the slightest clue that I have been pulling this stint for almost 1 year and only now did you decide to pull the plug on me. Alternatively it wouldn't be hard to imagine you fanning some unhealthy flame behind me in the bid to bring me down.

Do not EVER try to strike me down because you think you can...you are so wrong and you will always be so dead wrong. Stop being a nosey parker and keep your sniffing to the sewers where you BITCH OF A RAT FACED ACENSTRY belong. I despise and dislike sewer garbage like you and the likes of your entire species. Be gone!

If you want me to help you, you can simply ask and you can be sure I will be ready to offer my help anytime. If you want to delegate tasks all you have to do is consult me and like wise I will be more than willing to offer my humble services. But because you have a bad day doesn't mean you can bring me down with you. I am not your servant, slave or pet because I have better taste in selecting my masters. You do not seriously think by dropping a bomb like this on me on the last hour will catch me unguarded. If you do than I can seriously praise you for your shallow creativity. I am not stupid nor was I born yesterday...Well let me shed a little enlightenment to your otherwise subjective mentality that have proved that the many years of education you have received was an indeed failure not only to the society but a disgrace to the entire homo sapiens community. Your parents must be so ashamed they created such a defect that they wished they were disintegrated in the A Bomb incident. I am well adept in the art of disguises, deceit and sabotages which makes me an excellent silent assassin. Planning a full 50 minute lesson plan hours before the actual execution is simply baby's play for me so there is really no need to be surprised.

Indeed I panicked in the initial 5 minutes but hey I did not even break a single sweat. Quite simply I glided across the smooth ice and rode it in my stride. LAME SUCKER...

I am harsh and yes indeed I am...why the hell would I be so nice to you. What goes around comes around but for my case, I can only be the hedious sucker beind the keypads flaming because I dislike frontal conflicts. Not only is it dangerous to show my face, it will even thwart my incredible plan to conquer and plunder. This is my dream that I have worked hard on so I will not waste it on the MOTHER FUCKER IN NAGANO CITY or on you. I will go a long way before I see you in your little box burn in flames. FUCK YOU!

*Sigh* I really wonder why am I always surrounded by idiots? Why can't I be aquainted with more people like my beloved little sheep? Why? In times like this Momo will be sure to cast me aside and lash at my open sore...only My precious little sheep and Big bear will embrace me in their arms and tell me it's alrite. Both of you will greatly be missed. Without these 2 angels by my side, I can trust no one as everyone else is just as sly and quick in prying my flaws and feasting on them.

You made your move and so the plates are divided. From this day on, there will be no trust, no feelings and no gratitude for you or from you. It's about pre-constructed smile and laughs accompanied by false flattery and tons of hate all in the dishonour of you bitch. Burn elsewhere and not in my hell.

Unexplained disappearence

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am not sure if you know what I was thinking from the start except the fact that I was pretty certain there was absolutely no way you would figure it out 100%. God maybe but mere mortals other than myself...impossible.

You had a fad for me and I preyed on that. Maybe I was a novelty to you and that once you were thru with me, the bin would be my best friend. You played your part pretty well but I was not any less smarter. I knew it would only be a small fragment of my life's journey or even just a couple of seconds every day so I played along as well. The memories were indeed sweet but at times the kinder side of me would actually contemplate on living it in reality. I was naive.

A little feeling was lost back there but now that you are walking out, it only makes my life more radiant. I couldn't have done it any better than you. Maybe I am greedy but I still want the voids to be filled which is pretty shallow thinking, outright silly. Quite simply I still liked it when I was the everything in your world till I found out too much and that they added to tattoos and I freaked out. Eternity became a nightmare while stagnantion becomes a dream.

Thank you for your kind departure so I can continue dreaming. It was good while it lasted but nothing last forever.

So long Minao aka Hana, I will miss you sorely.

Here comes the moon...

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Once again the essence of the lunar spirit have granted me sufficient strength to dish out harsh dirt of my mind in the forms of linguistic symbols invented by people, governed by ethics and decisions. Before plunging into the wells of infinite darkness, I would really like to sing some praises to my current well being that this humble nature had granted me so far. You see SG is a place where life has no significance by itself except when it's decided by societal norms and forces that "nuture" and mold the supposedly "acceptable" model. Time, money and expectations of everyone around except your own runs your life day in and day out. I guessed that's pretty much the way how people interacts with nature in big cities.

So for me, I wasn't really sure of why everyone had big aspirations and ambitions when they were simply 7 or 8 years of age. I had none to begin with for I never really saw the need for it.

Straying as usual, so back to my personal well being. Yep after almost a year here in seclusion away from fast paced environments, pollutions and irritable situations, I found myself interacting with nature as it is...untouched and untamed. Living on simple fare but the abundant harvest of seasonal fruits, I found myself indulging in a whole new level of luxury. From juicy white peaches to prized grapes in summer, only to be rewarded with more diabetic goodies like SGD$99 melons and gigantic strawberries. Raw fish or sashimi have become an important part of my daily diet while more wholesome goodness from the local farm grown greens.

Winter had brought for much snow to warm my chillest heart while the occasional snakes passing my front yard keeps life interesting. Racoons, foxes and deers seems to drop by once in a while while the intense bamboo forest behind my house still packs a mysterious punch.

All these while I have learnt to co-exist with nature but not to the extent to live off the land penniless. Simply not able to commit such a grave decision yet. Back home in SG for the past 3 weeks have left me not short of more compliments. Radiant glow on my face, even better complexion and a smoother and fairer skin. Slowly I become the envy of many females both young and old alike. This I would simply attribute to the minimal stress I received for sleeping long hours and the generosity that this place have granted me. If anyone would like to discover that life is not all about making money and back stabbing everyone else, I strongly urge you to embark on a self realization journey. An odyssey where you can see how much nature have to offer...of course do not get me wrong that I am encouraging you to desert your commitments and go full fledge but all I am implying is that self denial and reality escapism comes with great risk and responsibilities. After all this is YOUR 1 life that you have so decide wisely.

Movies like Into the Wild have further justified a portion of my obsession with the cold harsh winter simply because I love snow. But having watched the movie revolving around the life of Christopher Johnson McCandless, I do admit my life now is more or less like his except that I have a decent shelter over my head, I have cosy and snuggly bed, proper sanitation and the very fact that I do not have to kill to survive. In fact I am so much more better off than him as this place have provided me a comfortable home for almost a year. It may be true to a certain extent that at times I do like the freedom to wonder around clothless only to jump into a crystal clear waterfall but that is still pretty far fetched. I may be living in solitation under occasional negative cognitive infestation, nonetheless I still yearn for companionship, games and the internet.

The bottomline is that no matter how distant I may have wondered, inside the very roots of being Chinese, being borned in SG and the circumstances that I evolved under, I am fully liable for many relations governed by monetary and time issues. So the very thought and the very simplistic wish of living off the land and disappearing somewhere in total seclusion will never be possible. Seems incredible years later to tell a tale which will put me into the legendary status, or even a spot in wikipedia, what comes after that is what will ultimately crush me because even thinking about it now is frightening.

Given that now the charm and novelty of this place is still holding out pretty decently, I am positive that once this stage of my life reaches a plateau, I will move on to a city, get a regular job and get on with life. This way I can please the very society that I am indebted in many ways. All in the expense of giving up my freedom to appreciate the land.

Alaska, even before watching this inspiration movie had already gain some footing in me. But the uncertainties and the reluctance to forsake all that I am enjoying now had cast a deadly shadow over that white natural appeal. Someday, but I am not sure when...I shall pay Alaska a visit.