Twitching Numbers

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Yesterday, the last day of April, the 30th day of the month happened to be one of the most crucial phase of my life. I was struggling really hard to snap out of the sudden insanity rooting me down. Rising tensions and fluctuating emotions were hanging dangerously on a fine line between sanity and insanity. I really don't know what happen or the exact trigger that set of the the accumulated catalyst inside me. In an instance, I simply exploded and everything in sight became a threat and had to be eliminated. Bugs, insects, arachnids, shapes, cups, boxes, everything seems to be caving in to crush me.

I dived for the Hi Capa which was always filled with some gas, loaded in the BBs and waited without the safety. I was one paranoid sucker suffering from cabin fever I guessed. Sat in one corner of the house and armed with a BB pistol, I forced meself to rationalize and took a huge deep breath. In my alter-ego state I have gradually lost the ability to revert back to my usual self. I tried and I tried and finally after a huge effort to conclude the battle of personalities, back I was wondering what the fuck had just happened. Pretty scary I would say to lose it just as easy as the snap of fingers.

Regaining my consciousness I began to question all the events and situations that had happened prior in hope of finding out the cause of the relapse. After carefully analysing the contributing factors, it seems the the most likely cause was the random fluctuations of numbers. From 103.94 to 104.57 to 103.46, etc...these were probably the main cause of the sudden sanity collapse. 0.01 movement of either directions of these numbers would spell either a positive or negative integer value. And the movement are exponential due to leverage. Yep, indeed money are involved and it's simply the intensity I get out of trailing forex, pitting the YEN against the DOLLAR. Well given that everyone is probably attached or getting married and I am living in a shabby hut the middle of a bamboo forest in one of the most advanced country in the world. Do the math and you will arrive at the equation of misleading and undefined answers.

Time is abundant for me and it has become more of a hinderence and I had to do something useful. No skirt chasing here as 200 year old farmers are definitely not my type. Day in day out, I watch charts, plot graphs and come out with strategies to test them. Eventually when a strategy fails, I get pretty paranoid eventhough those were simply virtual currencies. A perfectionist like me cannot fail because of my own misjudgement or stupidity. I have to rage against the moving integers every second, minute and hour because a range of 1,000,000 YEN moving in favor or against me is crucial. Yes I am in the midst of training and training to become capable of accepting my own identity. Until I can perfect the winning ratios of 8.5 is to 1, I cannot stop but crunch more nerve-wrecking numbers, charts and immerse myself in the depths of insanity.

Being robbed of the sweetness for almost a year, all that I am yearning for right now is a hug and kiss from the loveliest girl.