A very long post

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Over the recent weeks, I travelled with my family and my elder brother and his soon to be fiance down south to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. This trip which would seem like a rather normal family tour had in fact taught me many lessons and also opened my inner visions to see further. I have witnessed how the power of love can change people and the denial of blood ties are never successful. I have come to terms with my own identity and acceptance that one simply cannot belong to a distant land away from the actual birth place. My bleak future have come to a halt where I have to seriously consider how I will write the remaining chapters of my life. I tried so hard to be forged as a cold steel blade but in the end I simply couldn't even withstand the gentle strike of a feather.

I have longed to seek my own dreams and destiny at the expense of everyone and everything else but my parents which I have complained numerously in past seems so different this time round. Their aging faces, their lost glory and their ever tender loving care which I have regrettably taken for granted in the past seems to creep into my soul slowly. I felt sad which was a feeling that I was deprived for a long long time. I have come to question my own actions and existence. It's all became so clear that all the people around me, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my grandma, cousins and my dear Eve and Elsie were simply too kind to put up with my silly antics just so that I could fulfill my own dreams. I have never think twice about everyone else and yet I was always bitching about how selfish the world is and how cruel my life was. I was wrong all these while but I just didn't want to accept defeat.

It wasn't long before I finally collapse in the face of reality which really hurt. Their words are so true so true to the extent that I begin to loathe myself more and more each day...what have I actually accomplished all these while? I can't think of any but my responsibilities grow greater each day. My roommate has returned to America and I am left alone, cold and destroyed in this broken shack in the middle of the forest. Freezing and the lack of hot water, I am forced to live in exile and question my own integrity, Thanks to my Boss, my inspiration to give it my all have vanished, living half the winter with no hot water, I have become one really pissed soul.

A lot of thinking and thoughts de-fragmentation is going on now since there is no one around and time is all I have. Reading all the messages from Eve, Elsie and Des, the weddings going in my absence not to mention missing out on my own brother engagement in May, my life have indeed come to a halt. I am very afraid because I have not accomplished anything great so far and the future still look bleak. Tenrikyo is a great an beautiful religion but it does not answer my reason for existence and this barricade in my head is forcing everything to a standstill. I really don't know what I want now much less the reason for existence. My parents still love Momo and comparisons are always lurking around the corner. Because of me, there are a couple of people whose dreams will never be possible despite me always bitching that as long as you never stop dreaming you will probably get there someday. There are serious loopholes, faults and flaws in my imperfect principle of life and I am disappointed.

Money seems to be alrite for now but I am not too sure about the future. My splurging nature have taken a complete restructuring and I have become more aware of my own expenses. Money seems to play a huge part of my current misery as the harsh words lashed upon me, my future all revolves around it.

I do not hate myself and I do not exhibit these unforgivings nature but everyone seems to look up upon me which is seriously crushing my under immerse pressure. No they do not see it or hear it but I can feel it and yet I can't speak it or dissipate it...I am simply struggling to hold on till I find the way, the solution, the key to exit all these misery. Yes I put on a false facade but that way at least I can let my alter-ego take charge so I can regain sanity. It's just that coming back to this cold run down broken shack, the misery, the solitude will welcome me with open arms...

I am not happy with all these arrangements and I want to take off but yet I want to remain here. My heart goes out but none seems to notice and my roots longed to return. My origins are humble and not of noble status but I am lazy and stubborn. My dreams are almost complete but I am halted at a crossroad. To proceed and risk everything or to crawl back and seek the forgiveness of one individual and frown upon by the whole world.

Suddenly there are so many things that I want to accomplish immediately only to find out that time is running out fast. What should I do?

To Eve,

If one day should you find me standing in front of you front door with a bouquet of flowers you will know that your dreams will be fulfilled.

To Elsie,

If there ever a chance for me to go back to the past and change everything, I would stay and never leave.

To Momo,

My dreams are only as good if you are in it.

To Mum and Dad,

I really miss you.

To Des,

You are the only person to see candles before the millennium. Hope you didn't forget that.

To everyone else,

I am tired but thank you.

To myself,

there is still some time left.