Random Rants

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.

Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.

It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.

So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.

Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.

Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.

Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.

Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit