- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Over the recent weeks, I travelled with my family and my elder brother and his soon to be fiance down south to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. This trip which would seem like a rather normal family tour had in fact taught me many lessons and also opened my inner visions to see further. I have witnessed how the power of love can change people and the denial of blood ties are never successful. I have come to terms with my own identity and acceptance that one simply cannot belong to a distant land away from the actual birth place. My bleak future have come to a halt where I have to seriously consider how I will write the remaining chapters of my life. I tried so hard to be forged as a cold steel blade but in the end I simply couldn't even withstand the gentle strike of a feather.
I have longed to seek my own dreams and destiny at the expense of everyone and everything else but my parents which I have complained numerously in past seems so different this time round. Their aging faces, their lost glory and their ever tender loving care which I have regrettably taken for granted in the past seems to creep into my soul slowly. I felt sad which was a feeling that I was deprived for a long long time. I have come to question my own actions and existence. It's all became so clear that all the people around me, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my grandma, cousins and my dear Eve and Elsie were simply too kind to put up with my silly antics just so that I could fulfill my own dreams. I have never think twice about everyone else and yet I was always bitching about how selfish the world is and how cruel my life was. I was wrong all these while but I just didn't want to accept defeat.
It wasn't long before I finally collapse in the face of reality which really hurt. Their words are so true so true to the extent that I begin to loathe myself more and more each day...what have I actually accomplished all these while? I can't think of any but my responsibilities grow greater each day. My roommate has returned to America and I am left alone, cold and destroyed in this broken shack in the middle of the forest. Freezing and the lack of hot water, I am forced to live in exile and question my own integrity, Thanks to my Boss, my inspiration to give it my all have vanished, living half the winter with no hot water, I have become one really pissed soul.
A lot of thinking and thoughts de-fragmentation is going on now since there is no one around and time is all I have. Reading all the messages from Eve, Elsie and Des, the weddings going in my absence not to mention missing out on my own brother engagement in May, my life have indeed come to a halt. I am very afraid because I have not accomplished anything great so far and the future still look bleak. Tenrikyo is a great an beautiful religion but it does not answer my reason for existence and this barricade in my head is forcing everything to a standstill. I really don't know what I want now much less the reason for existence. My parents still love Momo and comparisons are always lurking around the corner. Because of me, there are a couple of people whose dreams will never be possible despite me always bitching that as long as you never stop dreaming you will probably get there someday. There are serious loopholes, faults and flaws in my imperfect principle of life and I am disappointed.
Money seems to be alrite for now but I am not too sure about the future. My splurging nature have taken a complete restructuring and I have become more aware of my own expenses. Money seems to play a huge part of my current misery as the harsh words lashed upon me, my future all revolves around it.
I do not hate myself and I do not exhibit these unforgivings nature but everyone seems to look up upon me which is seriously crushing my under immerse pressure. No they do not see it or hear it but I can feel it and yet I can't speak it or dissipate it...I am simply struggling to hold on till I find the way, the solution, the key to exit all these misery. Yes I put on a false facade but that way at least I can let my alter-ego take charge so I can regain sanity. It's just that coming back to this cold run down broken shack, the misery, the solitude will welcome me with open arms...
I am not happy with all these arrangements and I want to take off but yet I want to remain here. My heart goes out but none seems to notice and my roots longed to return. My origins are humble and not of noble status but I am lazy and stubborn. My dreams are almost complete but I am halted at a crossroad. To proceed and risk everything or to crawl back and seek the forgiveness of one individual and frown upon by the whole world.
Suddenly there are so many things that I want to accomplish immediately only to find out that time is running out fast. What should I do?
To Eve,
If one day should you find me standing in front of you front door with a bouquet of flowers you will know that your dreams will be fulfilled.
To Elsie,
If there ever a chance for me to go back to the past and change everything, I would stay and never leave.
To Momo,
My dreams are only as good if you are in it.
To Mum and Dad,
I really miss you.
To Des,
You are the only person to see candles before the millennium. Hope you didn't forget that.
To everyone else,
I am tired but thank you.
To myself,
there is still some time left.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
PSP firmwares and counting...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Seems like I have been out of the PSP firmware war for sometime...from the Dark Alex era to Team Noobz, I always find myself up to date with the latest intricate details or each firmware upgrade and the possible issues with certain ISOs, CSOs. Those all so familiar Ver. 1.5, TA-082 chip, 2.71, custom firmwares, OE-A series, etc are loitering at the back of my mind like floating tattoos that will permanantly ink themselves once I trigger them. But it abruptly came to a stop when I left my WINDOWS back home and brought my APPLE to Japan.
Running on limited ISOs / CSOs, I found myself totally abandoning the War of the Firmwares and I was happy with just those. As more and more games started spawning, once again I took a tiny bit of interest in the new games. It started out with just plain curiousity which I wound have never expected it to fully take off again. Now I am not even able to keep up with M33 and stuffs...
Despite the plateauing off of the interest and info regarding the firmwares, the games nonetheless, are growing at a steady increase. With torrents floating around, it's really not that hard to try out new games before actually buying them. But the catch is that torrent works both ways in a sense that if there are no seeders, it may take weeks or months to complete the download. Besides, if it's an old game, chances are that there may not be seeders at all. DL speed varies from ISP connections to seeders so the uncertainty of completion can be rather fustrating at times.
Well riding along the line regarding games, and the immerse power of the internet, I happen to get aquainted with a particular way to acquire those ISOs / CSOs in a much faster fashion. Weeks and months are abstract and not even realistic as the queue time is about 115 minutes in between each DLs. So basically there are only two forces at play here...
1. The internet connection.
2. The ISP of your computer.
I shall not go into the extensive details here but the bottom line is that for a 800mb ISO / CSO will require me about 2 hours odd to get it done...but given the benefit of doubt, 3 hour will be the max.
You see the power of the internet is so vast and the freedom of information is ubiquitous. So if you could harness your focus, I am pretty sure you wil get what you want or if not, a little insight on how to get it.
Seems like I have been out of the PSP firmware war for sometime...from the Dark Alex era to Team Noobz, I always find myself up to date with the latest intricate details or each firmware upgrade and the possible issues with certain ISOs, CSOs. Those all so familiar Ver. 1.5, TA-082 chip, 2.71, custom firmwares, OE-A series, etc are loitering at the back of my mind like floating tattoos that will permanantly ink themselves once I trigger them. But it abruptly came to a stop when I left my WINDOWS back home and brought my APPLE to Japan.
Running on limited ISOs / CSOs, I found myself totally abandoning the War of the Firmwares and I was happy with just those. As more and more games started spawning, once again I took a tiny bit of interest in the new games. It started out with just plain curiousity which I wound have never expected it to fully take off again. Now I am not even able to keep up with M33 and stuffs...
Despite the plateauing off of the interest and info regarding the firmwares, the games nonetheless, are growing at a steady increase. With torrents floating around, it's really not that hard to try out new games before actually buying them. But the catch is that torrent works both ways in a sense that if there are no seeders, it may take weeks or months to complete the download. Besides, if it's an old game, chances are that there may not be seeders at all. DL speed varies from ISP connections to seeders so the uncertainty of completion can be rather fustrating at times.
Well riding along the line regarding games, and the immerse power of the internet, I happen to get aquainted with a particular way to acquire those ISOs / CSOs in a much faster fashion. Weeks and months are abstract and not even realistic as the queue time is about 115 minutes in between each DLs. So basically there are only two forces at play here...
1. The internet connection.
2. The ISP of your computer.
I shall not go into the extensive details here but the bottom line is that for a 800mb ISO / CSO will require me about 2 hours odd to get it done...but given the benefit of doubt, 3 hour will be the max.
You see the power of the internet is so vast and the freedom of information is ubiquitous. So if you could harness your focus, I am pretty sure you wil get what you want or if not, a little insight on how to get it.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
A further extension of my insanity.
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It seems like I have hit almost the rock bottom of my insanity. My goody two shoes nature have been ditched and replaced by an emerging devil within. My wings of darkness have hardened and the are tearing through my skin, eagerly awaiting to flap and take me higher and higher. Love me or hate me doesn't matter anyway as I have chewed on pieces of horses and whales which were otherwise once my foremost abstinence. Designer "highs" are common for me I don't feel remorseful or responsible for anything anymore...my friends at least who will still accept me and guide me straight are welcome to stay but I doubt if anyone can ever convince me to stay.
It's just that today have been a rather rough patch and I can't explain it. Nothing actually happen but I was pissed and I wanted to do something so off the shelves are horses and whales in limited quantity. Looking at those bloodied pieces of meat, I could feel a rancid taste in my mouth and somehow I feel like a savage beast craving for fresh meat. Frown upon by my peers and also compelled by others from time to time, I took one last look at myself in the mirror and paid for my feast.
I shall not describe the taste, texture and consistency of the experience and also pay a little respect to my feast. Gracefully, the pieces of bloodied meat enter my mouth and disappear.
It seems like I have hit almost the rock bottom of my insanity. My goody two shoes nature have been ditched and replaced by an emerging devil within. My wings of darkness have hardened and the are tearing through my skin, eagerly awaiting to flap and take me higher and higher. Love me or hate me doesn't matter anyway as I have chewed on pieces of horses and whales which were otherwise once my foremost abstinence. Designer "highs" are common for me I don't feel remorseful or responsible for anything anymore...my friends at least who will still accept me and guide me straight are welcome to stay but I doubt if anyone can ever convince me to stay.
It's just that today have been a rather rough patch and I can't explain it. Nothing actually happen but I was pissed and I wanted to do something so off the shelves are horses and whales in limited quantity. Looking at those bloodied pieces of meat, I could feel a rancid taste in my mouth and somehow I feel like a savage beast craving for fresh meat. Frown upon by my peers and also compelled by others from time to time, I took one last look at myself in the mirror and paid for my feast.
I shall not describe the taste, texture and consistency of the experience and also pay a little respect to my feast. Gracefully, the pieces of bloodied meat enter my mouth and disappear.
The Awakening
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Cruising at 20km/h home this morning, I watched the golden sphere peeking slightly above the horizon. The air was fresh with a slight tint of cool moisture and the morning fog was easily visible. It was there that I actually recalled how I miss those times together and bitter memories flooded me along with the beautiful break of dawn. It was only 0600 hours in the morning and I am making my way back home.
The massive trance party last nite lasted all the way till 0500 hours in the morning. The thumping bass and the flanging electronica was over as I have grown emotionally attached to Sigur Ros. I am probably suffering from post Sigur Ros symptoms as I can't get the music outta my head. Try untitled #8 from the album ( ) which can be downloaded off their web free and you will know what I mean.
Last nite at the party, a single girl caught my attention but too bad she was attached. She had the most beautiful set of eyes, the most gorgeous set of sophistication and the most glamourous smile I have seen. No I am not hinting that I am falling for her but my admiration was ended abruptly as it's not feasible to even try to talk to her. You see, when you have a BF, and you stick to your gal buddies and remain hostile towards other guys, it not likely that you want to get hit on. Besides, I have grown over the years to observe and admire from far and evaluate how people react and behave to different stimuli and this of course is one of those many "experiment" that I conduct. Though her BF was not present, and that I got those information from a viable source, nonetheless, I was granted the honour to have a drink with her which had allowed me to push my research further.
Nope, totally futile to venture beyond any casual conversation as she was reluctant. Point taken, observation continued. And so throughout the whole night I was simply observing how she behave and react and the occasional glimpse of her smile which had amazingly put a smile across my face. Her name was Erika and she have lifted the my benchmark to observe God's marvelous creation at it's perfection. I will not settle for anything else now as such eye candy are hard to come by but when they do appear, you will know what I mean.
Sunken into a deeper state of depression, meals are irregular and I have the occasional acute pains in vital parts of my body. Sigur Ros's dark hopelandic tunes have fueled me further into my own imaginary world and I am really reluctant to turn back. A smile of calm and joy are depicted to everyone but here in this blog is what I am, away from everyone else where my world is not governed by anything else. In my own house tucked in the forests, I have awaken to be consume by the darkness that is crawling from the edges of my vision.
But there is this phrase that I have kept a secret for a long long time inside my head less the occasional mutter. Interpret it anyway you want it.
"If ever one day when you wake up and you find me standing in front of your front door with a bouquet of flowers, that will be the day that I shall grant you your wish."
Cruising at 20km/h home this morning, I watched the golden sphere peeking slightly above the horizon. The air was fresh with a slight tint of cool moisture and the morning fog was easily visible. It was there that I actually recalled how I miss those times together and bitter memories flooded me along with the beautiful break of dawn. It was only 0600 hours in the morning and I am making my way back home.
The massive trance party last nite lasted all the way till 0500 hours in the morning. The thumping bass and the flanging electronica was over as I have grown emotionally attached to Sigur Ros. I am probably suffering from post Sigur Ros symptoms as I can't get the music outta my head. Try untitled #8 from the album ( ) which can be downloaded off their web free and you will know what I mean.
Last nite at the party, a single girl caught my attention but too bad she was attached. She had the most beautiful set of eyes, the most gorgeous set of sophistication and the most glamourous smile I have seen. No I am not hinting that I am falling for her but my admiration was ended abruptly as it's not feasible to even try to talk to her. You see, when you have a BF, and you stick to your gal buddies and remain hostile towards other guys, it not likely that you want to get hit on. Besides, I have grown over the years to observe and admire from far and evaluate how people react and behave to different stimuli and this of course is one of those many "experiment" that I conduct. Though her BF was not present, and that I got those information from a viable source, nonetheless, I was granted the honour to have a drink with her which had allowed me to push my research further.
Nope, totally futile to venture beyond any casual conversation as she was reluctant. Point taken, observation continued. And so throughout the whole night I was simply observing how she behave and react and the occasional glimpse of her smile which had amazingly put a smile across my face. Her name was Erika and she have lifted the my benchmark to observe God's marvelous creation at it's perfection. I will not settle for anything else now as such eye candy are hard to come by but when they do appear, you will know what I mean.
Sunken into a deeper state of depression, meals are irregular and I have the occasional acute pains in vital parts of my body. Sigur Ros's dark hopelandic tunes have fueled me further into my own imaginary world and I am really reluctant to turn back. A smile of calm and joy are depicted to everyone but here in this blog is what I am, away from everyone else where my world is not governed by anything else. In my own house tucked in the forests, I have awaken to be consume by the darkness that is crawling from the edges of my vision.
But there is this phrase that I have kept a secret for a long long time inside my head less the occasional mutter. Interpret it anyway you want it.
"If ever one day when you wake up and you find me standing in front of your front door with a bouquet of flowers, that will be the day that I shall grant you your wish."
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Random Rants
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.
Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.
It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.
So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.
Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.
Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.
Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.
Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit
In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.
Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.
It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.
So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.
Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.
Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.
Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.
Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit
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