- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
最近じゃなくて、いつもと思って、僕はナルシシズムにふけるだ。僕はね自分の顔が大好きだけど、いつも自信を持ってない。それではこの一年半で僕は一人で住んでいるだから。毎日できるのことは自分の顔をちゃんと見ている。前は家族と一緒住んでいった、鏡はもちろん皆と分けていった。あの時やパリずっと鏡前でうぬぼれなかった。つまり今はね家で自由自在に鏡を使うという事だ。しかし、自分の顔が好きより本当はもともと綺麗になりたい。僕はいつも綺麗な顔に取つかれって、もちろん自分の顔を変わって、自信もレベルアップができる。完璧な顔、体、頭、目、等、もちすべてがあるなら、これはいいんじゃない？ お前はどう？ そんな気持ちがあるのか？ も二十年ぐらいずっと見ている、面白くないという事はないと思うん。さあって、見れば見るほど、綺麗にたってと思うん。
時々鏡前に立ているの僕、相手の顔が自分顔のそばに見えるが欲しい。いつかまだ分からないけど、皆さんの口から出るの言葉は「縁」って、も聞いたくないよ。
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Little little paws
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Put your little paws on my hand and let me take you home. Let me groom you and let me nurture you. One day you will grow up to be strong and healthy. One day you will understand that each of us have a place in the world. But for now let me lay beside you and watch you sleep. Let those tender eyes of yours entice me with innocence.
When the time is right, you will look at me, frail and weak. For I am unable to groom you anymore. I am unable to stroke you fur and pat your head. And in one graceful movement, you will devour me to end my misery. Only then will we be together as one.
*Chomp* *Chomp*
Put your little paws on my hand and let me take you home. Let me groom you and let me nurture you. One day you will grow up to be strong and healthy. One day you will understand that each of us have a place in the world. But for now let me lay beside you and watch you sleep. Let those tender eyes of yours entice me with innocence.
When the time is right, you will look at me, frail and weak. For I am unable to groom you anymore. I am unable to stroke you fur and pat your head. And in one graceful movement, you will devour me to end my misery. Only then will we be together as one.
*Chomp* *Chomp*
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Hang me by the noose
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Seems like another one of the random internal turmoil or is it that I am just breaking up under depression? Maybe to me a lot of things have happen or is it just me thinking too much? Why of unknown causes am I so much affected by the surroundings? Why am I unable to increase my latent inhibition and be immune to these external forces? The sudden influx of questions, self-preservation and uncertainties are interfering with my daily existence and this is quite on the contary to the fact that I am so much well protected in the past. I have forced myself into a safe and locked myself up back then but why is it that this safe is slowly decaying on me? What should I look for? An answer to complete my life? A sign? And if it's possible, where should I look for? I am already here so if it's not here then perhaps I should start searching elsewhere? Am I barking up the wrong tree?
As the gallons of questions flood my head, I am eluding these sub-conscious reality by substituting them with images of naive little kids running amok with cleavers and masks...
Then I found myself very much indebted and sinking into those past images, memories and warmth...into the arms of those.
Depression as I see it becomes more like a reality for me though there's no way I can forcast the next relapse. No I do not need to see a shrink or be administered to a special place with men in white. These are luxuries that I can't afford and will not be willing to...at least for the moment.
Seems like another one of the random internal turmoil or is it that I am just breaking up under depression? Maybe to me a lot of things have happen or is it just me thinking too much? Why of unknown causes am I so much affected by the surroundings? Why am I unable to increase my latent inhibition and be immune to these external forces? The sudden influx of questions, self-preservation and uncertainties are interfering with my daily existence and this is quite on the contary to the fact that I am so much well protected in the past. I have forced myself into a safe and locked myself up back then but why is it that this safe is slowly decaying on me? What should I look for? An answer to complete my life? A sign? And if it's possible, where should I look for? I am already here so if it's not here then perhaps I should start searching elsewhere? Am I barking up the wrong tree?
As the gallons of questions flood my head, I am eluding these sub-conscious reality by substituting them with images of naive little kids running amok with cleavers and masks...
Then I found myself very much indebted and sinking into those past images, memories and warmth...into the arms of those.
Depression as I see it becomes more like a reality for me though there's no way I can forcast the next relapse. No I do not need to see a shrink or be administered to a special place with men in white. These are luxuries that I can't afford and will not be willing to...at least for the moment.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Yeber Yeber Yeber Yeber nonsensical tickings
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
I am very tired after the Sunday's event. Indeed very tired both mentally and physically...my brain feels like shutting down for a much needed rest while my body is crying out loud for feeling lethargic. The weather sucks because I can see the mountainous regions beneath the clear blue sky. The sun is blinding my eyes but still I have to struggle to go to work and do nonsense each day. When night comes, I can feel the moon rejuvernating me but sometimes it's no where to be found. Yes it's really dark when there is no moon and superstitious fear are affecting my slightly. I live alone as many people have known so that makes me pissed. I am one angy terrorist awaiting the chance to blow many suckers sky high. Tick tick tick...I can feel it growing...
I am remorseful for leaving you, I am remorseful for neglecting you, I am remorseful for embarking on stupid childish dreams...I am remorseful. Will you still take me back if I come home? Will you still fulfill all the promises that you have made? Will you...
I am very tired after the Sunday's event. Indeed very tired both mentally and physically...my brain feels like shutting down for a much needed rest while my body is crying out loud for feeling lethargic. The weather sucks because I can see the mountainous regions beneath the clear blue sky. The sun is blinding my eyes but still I have to struggle to go to work and do nonsense each day. When night comes, I can feel the moon rejuvernating me but sometimes it's no where to be found. Yes it's really dark when there is no moon and superstitious fear are affecting my slightly. I live alone as many people have known so that makes me pissed. I am one angy terrorist awaiting the chance to blow many suckers sky high. Tick tick tick...I can feel it growing...
I am remorseful for leaving you, I am remorseful for neglecting you, I am remorseful for embarking on stupid childish dreams...I am remorseful. Will you still take me back if I come home? Will you still fulfill all the promises that you have made? Will you...
When lines are crossed
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
One is really kind or may I say brainless and the other one is smooth or may I say scheming bastard. These are the kind of societal miscreants that I have to face every now and then but why the hell am I getting involved in all these unproductive squabbles all of a sudden? Boy I wonder...here's the plot.
Mr 3-RETARD has a girlfriend, Miss Ask for 4 years. While Mr 3-RETARD also have a good friend (more like fiend), Mr You-SOB for God-Knows-How-Many-Donkey-Years. Miss Ask have a younger sister, Miss Say-WHORE who so happens to be dumped recently I presumed. While everyone knows that Mr You-SOB is some no brainer who have at least 3 different girlfriends at any one time, likes to lie and doesn't show respect for anyone. While Miss Say-WHORE so happens to know this as well but she decides to jump onto Mr You-SOB Pimp Wagon. Mr 3-RETARD in question does not do anything about it as he claims it's not his problem. Damn right not his problem but seeing that he will be the future sister-in-law of Miss Say-WHORE, he should at least exercise some sense into both his fiend, Mr You-SOB and also Miss Say-WHORE.
And then here comes the worst bastard Mr You-SOB. I presumed that everyone should be sensible enuff to stay clear off brotherly family affairs but this simpleton bloke with no future, dreams or watsoever decides to pull a fast one and chew on his mate's girlfriend's sister for say, a quick fix? Show some respect here dude...don't ya father ever teach you never bite the hand that feed you? Or sleeping with your own mother is not acceptable? Even dogs and other beast know of such a simple unspoken norm that governs all existence. Now you chose to ignore all of that and do like wise...it's almost like commiting incest and not to mention the fact that you have 3 people to dote on you. Argh I hate you and I want to burn you face down on a crucifix.
Well what a shameful world these poor pitiful imbeciles live in. But since it's like this, I might as well exploit on the situation and raze everything to the ground. I was actually planning to sow discord between these people and watch with chips and popcorn in my arms how the story will unfold further. Might be a rather spectacular show that will probably miss the Emmy's on grounds that it's a local production.
Sad but true...I shall never give people the respect when they simply do not have the honour to earn it. If they themselves do not respect themselves then all the more I and all others shouldn't. Bitch, slut, whore, bastards, pimps and assholes...rejoice as you can all join your hands and sing in unision. Because when you are done with that, you can all come kiss my ass and say goodbye.
One is really kind or may I say brainless and the other one is smooth or may I say scheming bastard. These are the kind of societal miscreants that I have to face every now and then but why the hell am I getting involved in all these unproductive squabbles all of a sudden? Boy I wonder...here's the plot.
Mr 3-RETARD has a girlfriend, Miss Ask for 4 years. While Mr 3-RETARD also have a good friend (more like fiend), Mr You-SOB for God-Knows-How-Many-Donkey-Years. Miss Ask have a younger sister, Miss Say-WHORE who so happens to be dumped recently I presumed. While everyone knows that Mr You-SOB is some no brainer who have at least 3 different girlfriends at any one time, likes to lie and doesn't show respect for anyone. While Miss Say-WHORE so happens to know this as well but she decides to jump onto Mr You-SOB Pimp Wagon. Mr 3-RETARD in question does not do anything about it as he claims it's not his problem. Damn right not his problem but seeing that he will be the future sister-in-law of Miss Say-WHORE, he should at least exercise some sense into both his fiend, Mr You-SOB and also Miss Say-WHORE.
And then here comes the worst bastard Mr You-SOB. I presumed that everyone should be sensible enuff to stay clear off brotherly family affairs but this simpleton bloke with no future, dreams or watsoever decides to pull a fast one and chew on his mate's girlfriend's sister for say, a quick fix? Show some respect here dude...don't ya father ever teach you never bite the hand that feed you? Or sleeping with your own mother is not acceptable? Even dogs and other beast know of such a simple unspoken norm that governs all existence. Now you chose to ignore all of that and do like wise...it's almost like commiting incest and not to mention the fact that you have 3 people to dote on you. Argh I hate you and I want to burn you face down on a crucifix.
Well what a shameful world these poor pitiful imbeciles live in. But since it's like this, I might as well exploit on the situation and raze everything to the ground. I was actually planning to sow discord between these people and watch with chips and popcorn in my arms how the story will unfold further. Might be a rather spectacular show that will probably miss the Emmy's on grounds that it's a local production.
Sad but true...I shall never give people the respect when they simply do not have the honour to earn it. If they themselves do not respect themselves then all the more I and all others shouldn't. Bitch, slut, whore, bastards, pimps and assholes...rejoice as you can all join your hands and sing in unision. Because when you are done with that, you can all come kiss my ass and say goodbye.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Am I being punished?
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Like everyone else, every citizen and every good samaritan, I am just a regular normal human being run by a certain set of beliefs and principles. And like every masculine species that roamed Earth since pre-historic times, I do yearn for a comfortable shoulder to weep, a warm tender hug in winter, a rejuvernatiung smile in the morning all from 1 person...a girlfriend.
But I have none to begin with...well...actually there are, but I denied them. I am searching and I searching but still no luck. Maybe I am picky or something...or was it retribution? What's wrong with choosing since life is all about making the right decisions?
Sometimes to a certain extent, I am actually attributing this strange phenomenon to the place that I am living in. In exile with no one to interact but strangly enuff, I was actually singing praises about such a lifestyle earlier on. How ironic and how my mental stability are being questioned.
Long gone are those sweet tender kisses, warm hugs and fanciful dinner, long gone are those slow walks in the evening, holding hands and the fragrance of the hair, long gone are those reflections of the velvet night sky in the eyes of the once most beautiful lady in front of me, long gone are those wild and crazy ideas I am willing to serve for my Lady...Now with the harsh, cold winter approaching, I can feel more angst rising to keep me warm and alive just to realise that I am all alone.
I can feel my biological clock ticking and I am anxious, desperate at times but still I am unmotivated and unreluctant to sucumb to anyone in the street. I have to fulfil my destiny...
God, for once stop playing MGS4 on the PS3 and grant me a vision, an answer or anything that will guide me to her. Fate like everyone puts it quite simply, was that 1 think I am lacking to meet her. Yeah easy for all you folks to say but a little action would be appreciated. Superfacial, all talk and no action is what I think. I am practical and realistic so if some greater power or being is believed to be present, give me a sign to prove it. Stop wasting my time...
See...I have come to the extent to even fault God for my shortfall but that only shows how lonely and pathetic I am. Shine me a path before I lose my love for her, the world and everything else. And then I shall welcome the darkside with open arms...
*Argh* my social well being is at stake now...
Like everyone else, every citizen and every good samaritan, I am just a regular normal human being run by a certain set of beliefs and principles. And like every masculine species that roamed Earth since pre-historic times, I do yearn for a comfortable shoulder to weep, a warm tender hug in winter, a rejuvernatiung smile in the morning all from 1 person...a girlfriend.
But I have none to begin with...well...actually there are, but I denied them. I am searching and I searching but still no luck. Maybe I am picky or something...or was it retribution? What's wrong with choosing since life is all about making the right decisions?
Sometimes to a certain extent, I am actually attributing this strange phenomenon to the place that I am living in. In exile with no one to interact but strangly enuff, I was actually singing praises about such a lifestyle earlier on. How ironic and how my mental stability are being questioned.
Long gone are those sweet tender kisses, warm hugs and fanciful dinner, long gone are those slow walks in the evening, holding hands and the fragrance of the hair, long gone are those reflections of the velvet night sky in the eyes of the once most beautiful lady in front of me, long gone are those wild and crazy ideas I am willing to serve for my Lady...Now with the harsh, cold winter approaching, I can feel more angst rising to keep me warm and alive just to realise that I am all alone.
I can feel my biological clock ticking and I am anxious, desperate at times but still I am unmotivated and unreluctant to sucumb to anyone in the street. I have to fulfil my destiny...
God, for once stop playing MGS4 on the PS3 and grant me a vision, an answer or anything that will guide me to her. Fate like everyone puts it quite simply, was that 1 think I am lacking to meet her. Yeah easy for all you folks to say but a little action would be appreciated. Superfacial, all talk and no action is what I think. I am practical and realistic so if some greater power or being is believed to be present, give me a sign to prove it. Stop wasting my time...
See...I have come to the extent to even fault God for my shortfall but that only shows how lonely and pathetic I am. Shine me a path before I lose my love for her, the world and everything else. And then I shall welcome the darkside with open arms...
*Argh* my social well being is at stake now...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Nosey Parker Exposé (Explicit Content)
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Just when I was all excited to get back to work, just when I was whining how easy and no brainer my job was, just when I was bragging how easy I got this no brainer job, just when everything was falling into pieces like dust gently settling...a vicious vixen shed it's goofy fool hoofs and bare it's ugly inerts at me. This time round no more charismatic nice gentleman at your disposal. This entry will be flooded with vocabuary deem good enoungh for you bitch so be warned.
Not too sure the exact cause of what triggered the explosion, be it your menopause, monthly ritual bleeding or your dog's inability to please you in bed, all these had nothing to do with me. I am an ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and you are no better. You are simply a PART TIME TEACHER and I do not GIVE A FUCK if you did graduate from the States or that you can speak 3 languages like I do. What I FUCKING CARE is that what I do at work like surfing porn, downloading games or creating entries like this to FLAME YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, is simply my problem so don't you care. I have tried in the beginning and the Head Teacher simply tell me that I alone can't change SHITS that some stubborn bunch of half dead Ah Peks in the legislation had set. Not forgeting some impromptu Demostration Class I had in the Elementary school which had my sorry ass fried for taking the lead in the class. So I will BE THE FUCKING ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and not contribute unless I am told to. Why the hell do you think I would lose all the inspiration to change the lessons? Think with your brain and not your cunt you FUCKING SHITHOLE OF A WHORE. Such audacity to serve a cold platter of sarcasm in my face mid day...Whoa! Scary but I bet you can do better.
The Principal doesn't complain, the vice Principal doesn't complain and even the head teacher doesn't complain so DON'T YOU EVER COME UP TO ME and TELL ME I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET, YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING BEASTIE WHORE OF UNKIND NATURE. What else do you expect me to do. Sleep, play my PSP or improve my harsh entry like this for you. Mind you I am doing something productive to myself like trading in Forex and reading Wikipedia to widen my knowledge. I am not simply staring at the screen...and I am most uncomfortable staring into your blasted FUCK FACE now. My boss tells me that I have to be in here from 0830 to 1630 even when I have nothing productive to do. In other words, I am not better than wasting my time sleeping everyday at home. So of course I surf the internet and do what ever I like...these are nothing against the law, not prohibited in the clause of the contract and most definitely not affecting others around me. Silently I sit at my desk and mind my own business and you tell me I spend too much time on the internet? Are you even sure you know what I am doing with the internet? Do you even have the slightest clue that I have been pulling this stint for almost 1 year and only now did you decide to pull the plug on me. Alternatively it wouldn't be hard to imagine you fanning some unhealthy flame behind me in the bid to bring me down.
Do not EVER try to strike me down because you think you can...you are so wrong and you will always be so dead wrong. Stop being a nosey parker and keep your sniffing to the sewers where you BITCH OF A RAT FACED ACENSTRY belong. I despise and dislike sewer garbage like you and the likes of your entire species. Be gone!
If you want me to help you, you can simply ask and you can be sure I will be ready to offer my help anytime. If you want to delegate tasks all you have to do is consult me and like wise I will be more than willing to offer my humble services. But because you have a bad day doesn't mean you can bring me down with you. I am not your servant, slave or pet because I have better taste in selecting my masters. You do not seriously think by dropping a bomb like this on me on the last hour will catch me unguarded. If you do than I can seriously praise you for your shallow creativity. I am not stupid nor was I born yesterday...Well let me shed a little enlightenment to your otherwise subjective mentality that have proved that the many years of education you have received was an indeed failure not only to the society but a disgrace to the entire homo sapiens community. Your parents must be so ashamed they created such a defect that they wished they were disintegrated in the A Bomb incident. I am well adept in the art of disguises, deceit and sabotages which makes me an excellent silent assassin. Planning a full 50 minute lesson plan hours before the actual execution is simply baby's play for me so there is really no need to be surprised.
Indeed I panicked in the initial 5 minutes but hey I did not even break a single sweat. Quite simply I glided across the smooth ice and rode it in my stride. LAME SUCKER...
I am harsh and yes indeed I am...why the hell would I be so nice to you. What goes around comes around but for my case, I can only be the hedious sucker beind the keypads flaming because I dislike frontal conflicts. Not only is it dangerous to show my face, it will even thwart my incredible plan to conquer and plunder. This is my dream that I have worked hard on so I will not waste it on the MOTHER FUCKER IN NAGANO CITY or on you. I will go a long way before I see you in your little box burn in flames. FUCK YOU!
*Sigh* I really wonder why am I always surrounded by idiots? Why can't I be aquainted with more people like my beloved little sheep? Why? In times like this Momo will be sure to cast me aside and lash at my open sore...only My precious little sheep and Big bear will embrace me in their arms and tell me it's alrite. Both of you will greatly be missed. Without these 2 angels by my side, I can trust no one as everyone else is just as sly and quick in prying my flaws and feasting on them.
You made your move and so the plates are divided. From this day on, there will be no trust, no feelings and no gratitude for you or from you. It's about pre-constructed smile and laughs accompanied by false flattery and tons of hate all in the dishonour of you bitch. Burn elsewhere and not in my hell.
Just when I was all excited to get back to work, just when I was whining how easy and no brainer my job was, just when I was bragging how easy I got this no brainer job, just when everything was falling into pieces like dust gently settling...a vicious vixen shed it's goofy fool hoofs and bare it's ugly inerts at me. This time round no more charismatic nice gentleman at your disposal. This entry will be flooded with vocabuary deem good enoungh for you bitch so be warned.
Not too sure the exact cause of what triggered the explosion, be it your menopause, monthly ritual bleeding or your dog's inability to please you in bed, all these had nothing to do with me. I am an ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and you are no better. You are simply a PART TIME TEACHER and I do not GIVE A FUCK if you did graduate from the States or that you can speak 3 languages like I do. What I FUCKING CARE is that what I do at work like surfing porn, downloading games or creating entries like this to FLAME YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, is simply my problem so don't you care. I have tried in the beginning and the Head Teacher simply tell me that I alone can't change SHITS that some stubborn bunch of half dead Ah Peks in the legislation had set. Not forgeting some impromptu Demostration Class I had in the Elementary school which had my sorry ass fried for taking the lead in the class. So I will BE THE FUCKING ASSISTANT ENGLISH TEACHER and not contribute unless I am told to. Why the hell do you think I would lose all the inspiration to change the lessons? Think with your brain and not your cunt you FUCKING SHITHOLE OF A WHORE. Such audacity to serve a cold platter of sarcasm in my face mid day...Whoa! Scary but I bet you can do better.
The Principal doesn't complain, the vice Principal doesn't complain and even the head teacher doesn't complain so DON'T YOU EVER COME UP TO ME and TELL ME I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET, YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING BEASTIE WHORE OF UNKIND NATURE. What else do you expect me to do. Sleep, play my PSP or improve my harsh entry like this for you. Mind you I am doing something productive to myself like trading in Forex and reading Wikipedia to widen my knowledge. I am not simply staring at the screen...and I am most uncomfortable staring into your blasted FUCK FACE now. My boss tells me that I have to be in here from 0830 to 1630 even when I have nothing productive to do. In other words, I am not better than wasting my time sleeping everyday at home. So of course I surf the internet and do what ever I like...these are nothing against the law, not prohibited in the clause of the contract and most definitely not affecting others around me. Silently I sit at my desk and mind my own business and you tell me I spend too much time on the internet? Are you even sure you know what I am doing with the internet? Do you even have the slightest clue that I have been pulling this stint for almost 1 year and only now did you decide to pull the plug on me. Alternatively it wouldn't be hard to imagine you fanning some unhealthy flame behind me in the bid to bring me down.
Do not EVER try to strike me down because you think you can...you are so wrong and you will always be so dead wrong. Stop being a nosey parker and keep your sniffing to the sewers where you BITCH OF A RAT FACED ACENSTRY belong. I despise and dislike sewer garbage like you and the likes of your entire species. Be gone!
If you want me to help you, you can simply ask and you can be sure I will be ready to offer my help anytime. If you want to delegate tasks all you have to do is consult me and like wise I will be more than willing to offer my humble services. But because you have a bad day doesn't mean you can bring me down with you. I am not your servant, slave or pet because I have better taste in selecting my masters. You do not seriously think by dropping a bomb like this on me on the last hour will catch me unguarded. If you do than I can seriously praise you for your shallow creativity. I am not stupid nor was I born yesterday...Well let me shed a little enlightenment to your otherwise subjective mentality that have proved that the many years of education you have received was an indeed failure not only to the society but a disgrace to the entire homo sapiens community. Your parents must be so ashamed they created such a defect that they wished they were disintegrated in the A Bomb incident. I am well adept in the art of disguises, deceit and sabotages which makes me an excellent silent assassin. Planning a full 50 minute lesson plan hours before the actual execution is simply baby's play for me so there is really no need to be surprised.
Indeed I panicked in the initial 5 minutes but hey I did not even break a single sweat. Quite simply I glided across the smooth ice and rode it in my stride. LAME SUCKER...
I am harsh and yes indeed I am...why the hell would I be so nice to you. What goes around comes around but for my case, I can only be the hedious sucker beind the keypads flaming because I dislike frontal conflicts. Not only is it dangerous to show my face, it will even thwart my incredible plan to conquer and plunder. This is my dream that I have worked hard on so I will not waste it on the MOTHER FUCKER IN NAGANO CITY or on you. I will go a long way before I see you in your little box burn in flames. FUCK YOU!
*Sigh* I really wonder why am I always surrounded by idiots? Why can't I be aquainted with more people like my beloved little sheep? Why? In times like this Momo will be sure to cast me aside and lash at my open sore...only My precious little sheep and Big bear will embrace me in their arms and tell me it's alrite. Both of you will greatly be missed. Without these 2 angels by my side, I can trust no one as everyone else is just as sly and quick in prying my flaws and feasting on them.
You made your move and so the plates are divided. From this day on, there will be no trust, no feelings and no gratitude for you or from you. It's about pre-constructed smile and laughs accompanied by false flattery and tons of hate all in the dishonour of you bitch. Burn elsewhere and not in my hell.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Unexplained disappearence
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
I am not sure if you know what I was thinking from the start except the fact that I was pretty certain there was absolutely no way you would figure it out 100%. God maybe but mere mortals other than myself...impossible.
You had a fad for me and I preyed on that. Maybe I was a novelty to you and that once you were thru with me, the bin would be my best friend. You played your part pretty well but I was not any less smarter. I knew it would only be a small fragment of my life's journey or even just a couple of seconds every day so I played along as well. The memories were indeed sweet but at times the kinder side of me would actually contemplate on living it in reality. I was naive.
A little feeling was lost back there but now that you are walking out, it only makes my life more radiant. I couldn't have done it any better than you. Maybe I am greedy but I still want the voids to be filled which is pretty shallow thinking, outright silly. Quite simply I still liked it when I was the everything in your world till I found out too much and that they added to tattoos and I freaked out. Eternity became a nightmare while stagnantion becomes a dream.
Thank you for your kind departure so I can continue dreaming. It was good while it lasted but nothing last forever.
So long Minao aka Hana, I will miss you sorely.
I am not sure if you know what I was thinking from the start except the fact that I was pretty certain there was absolutely no way you would figure it out 100%. God maybe but mere mortals other than myself...impossible.
You had a fad for me and I preyed on that. Maybe I was a novelty to you and that once you were thru with me, the bin would be my best friend. You played your part pretty well but I was not any less smarter. I knew it would only be a small fragment of my life's journey or even just a couple of seconds every day so I played along as well. The memories were indeed sweet but at times the kinder side of me would actually contemplate on living it in reality. I was naive.
A little feeling was lost back there but now that you are walking out, it only makes my life more radiant. I couldn't have done it any better than you. Maybe I am greedy but I still want the voids to be filled which is pretty shallow thinking, outright silly. Quite simply I still liked it when I was the everything in your world till I found out too much and that they added to tattoos and I freaked out. Eternity became a nightmare while stagnantion becomes a dream.
Thank you for your kind departure so I can continue dreaming. It was good while it lasted but nothing last forever.
So long Minao aka Hana, I will miss you sorely.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Here comes the moon...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Once again the essence of the lunar spirit have granted me sufficient strength to dish out harsh dirt of my mind in the forms of linguistic symbols invented by people, governed by ethics and decisions. Before plunging into the wells of infinite darkness, I would really like to sing some praises to my current well being that this humble nature had granted me so far. You see SG is a place where life has no significance by itself except when it's decided by societal norms and forces that "nuture" and mold the supposedly "acceptable" model. Time, money and expectations of everyone around except your own runs your life day in and day out. I guessed that's pretty much the way how people interacts with nature in big cities.
So for me, I wasn't really sure of why everyone had big aspirations and ambitions when they were simply 7 or 8 years of age. I had none to begin with for I never really saw the need for it.
Straying as usual, so back to my personal well being. Yep after almost a year here in seclusion away from fast paced environments, pollutions and irritable situations, I found myself interacting with nature as it is...untouched and untamed. Living on simple fare but the abundant harvest of seasonal fruits, I found myself indulging in a whole new level of luxury. From juicy white peaches to prized grapes in summer, only to be rewarded with more diabetic goodies like SGD$99 melons and gigantic strawberries. Raw fish or sashimi have become an important part of my daily diet while more wholesome goodness from the local farm grown greens.
Winter had brought for much snow to warm my chillest heart while the occasional snakes passing my front yard keeps life interesting. Racoons, foxes and deers seems to drop by once in a while while the intense bamboo forest behind my house still packs a mysterious punch.
All these while I have learnt to co-exist with nature but not to the extent to live off the land penniless. Simply not able to commit such a grave decision yet. Back home in SG for the past 3 weeks have left me not short of more compliments. Radiant glow on my face, even better complexion and a smoother and fairer skin. Slowly I become the envy of many females both young and old alike. This I would simply attribute to the minimal stress I received for sleeping long hours and the generosity that this place have granted me. If anyone would like to discover that life is not all about making money and back stabbing everyone else, I strongly urge you to embark on a self realization journey. An odyssey where you can see how much nature have to offer...of course do not get me wrong that I am encouraging you to desert your commitments and go full fledge but all I am implying is that self denial and reality escapism comes with great risk and responsibilities. After all this is YOUR 1 life that you have so decide wisely.
Movies like Into the Wild have further justified a portion of my obsession with the cold harsh winter simply because I love snow. But having watched the movie revolving around the life of Christopher Johnson McCandless, I do admit my life now is more or less like his except that I have a decent shelter over my head, I have cosy and snuggly bed, proper sanitation and the very fact that I do not have to kill to survive. In fact I am so much more better off than him as this place have provided me a comfortable home for almost a year. It may be true to a certain extent that at times I do like the freedom to wonder around clothless only to jump into a crystal clear waterfall but that is still pretty far fetched. I may be living in solitation under occasional negative cognitive infestation, nonetheless I still yearn for companionship, games and the internet.
The bottomline is that no matter how distant I may have wondered, inside the very roots of being Chinese, being borned in SG and the circumstances that I evolved under, I am fully liable for many relations governed by monetary and time issues. So the very thought and the very simplistic wish of living off the land and disappearing somewhere in total seclusion will never be possible. Seems incredible years later to tell a tale which will put me into the legendary status, or even a spot in wikipedia, what comes after that is what will ultimately crush me because even thinking about it now is frightening.
Given that now the charm and novelty of this place is still holding out pretty decently, I am positive that once this stage of my life reaches a plateau, I will move on to a city, get a regular job and get on with life. This way I can please the very society that I am indebted in many ways. All in the expense of giving up my freedom to appreciate the land.
Alaska, even before watching this inspiration movie had already gain some footing in me. But the uncertainties and the reluctance to forsake all that I am enjoying now had cast a deadly shadow over that white natural appeal. Someday, but I am not sure when...I shall pay Alaska a visit.
Once again the essence of the lunar spirit have granted me sufficient strength to dish out harsh dirt of my mind in the forms of linguistic symbols invented by people, governed by ethics and decisions. Before plunging into the wells of infinite darkness, I would really like to sing some praises to my current well being that this humble nature had granted me so far. You see SG is a place where life has no significance by itself except when it's decided by societal norms and forces that "nuture" and mold the supposedly "acceptable" model. Time, money and expectations of everyone around except your own runs your life day in and day out. I guessed that's pretty much the way how people interacts with nature in big cities.
So for me, I wasn't really sure of why everyone had big aspirations and ambitions when they were simply 7 or 8 years of age. I had none to begin with for I never really saw the need for it.
Straying as usual, so back to my personal well being. Yep after almost a year here in seclusion away from fast paced environments, pollutions and irritable situations, I found myself interacting with nature as it is...untouched and untamed. Living on simple fare but the abundant harvest of seasonal fruits, I found myself indulging in a whole new level of luxury. From juicy white peaches to prized grapes in summer, only to be rewarded with more diabetic goodies like SGD$99 melons and gigantic strawberries. Raw fish or sashimi have become an important part of my daily diet while more wholesome goodness from the local farm grown greens.
Winter had brought for much snow to warm my chillest heart while the occasional snakes passing my front yard keeps life interesting. Racoons, foxes and deers seems to drop by once in a while while the intense bamboo forest behind my house still packs a mysterious punch.
All these while I have learnt to co-exist with nature but not to the extent to live off the land penniless. Simply not able to commit such a grave decision yet. Back home in SG for the past 3 weeks have left me not short of more compliments. Radiant glow on my face, even better complexion and a smoother and fairer skin. Slowly I become the envy of many females both young and old alike. This I would simply attribute to the minimal stress I received for sleeping long hours and the generosity that this place have granted me. If anyone would like to discover that life is not all about making money and back stabbing everyone else, I strongly urge you to embark on a self realization journey. An odyssey where you can see how much nature have to offer...of course do not get me wrong that I am encouraging you to desert your commitments and go full fledge but all I am implying is that self denial and reality escapism comes with great risk and responsibilities. After all this is YOUR 1 life that you have so decide wisely.
Movies like Into the Wild have further justified a portion of my obsession with the cold harsh winter simply because I love snow. But having watched the movie revolving around the life of Christopher Johnson McCandless, I do admit my life now is more or less like his except that I have a decent shelter over my head, I have cosy and snuggly bed, proper sanitation and the very fact that I do not have to kill to survive. In fact I am so much more better off than him as this place have provided me a comfortable home for almost a year. It may be true to a certain extent that at times I do like the freedom to wonder around clothless only to jump into a crystal clear waterfall but that is still pretty far fetched. I may be living in solitation under occasional negative cognitive infestation, nonetheless I still yearn for companionship, games and the internet.
The bottomline is that no matter how distant I may have wondered, inside the very roots of being Chinese, being borned in SG and the circumstances that I evolved under, I am fully liable for many relations governed by monetary and time issues. So the very thought and the very simplistic wish of living off the land and disappearing somewhere in total seclusion will never be possible. Seems incredible years later to tell a tale which will put me into the legendary status, or even a spot in wikipedia, what comes after that is what will ultimately crush me because even thinking about it now is frightening.
Given that now the charm and novelty of this place is still holding out pretty decently, I am positive that once this stage of my life reaches a plateau, I will move on to a city, get a regular job and get on with life. This way I can please the very society that I am indebted in many ways. All in the expense of giving up my freedom to appreciate the land.
Alaska, even before watching this inspiration movie had already gain some footing in me. But the uncertainties and the reluctance to forsake all that I am enjoying now had cast a deadly shadow over that white natural appeal. Someday, but I am not sure when...I shall pay Alaska a visit.
Friday, July 11, 2008
A Feint of Misrepresentation
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
This post was not meant to be entered into the Japanese one simply because I have dedicated much of this blog to my thoughts and my recluse. A misread print recently have got me running for the door ashamed and feeling utterly disgusted. I can feel a deep pressurized bubble forming in my chest and yep it's damn uncomfortable. Feels like the seismic internal combustion will probably leave me half dead. My usual facade have been compromised and I have felt really really uncomfortable ever since but..."why" was the question that continues to pound my head.
I simply do not understand why the usual "Couldn't care less" nature of me was affected so badly this time. An issue concerning money was raised in an email and I reacted rather adversely to it. Rather than carefully analysing the texts, I loaded a machine gun with my angst and fired blindly. After a series of pretty strong accented words in my replies to display my great displeasure, I so happened to find out that a resolution had already been presented in the very email. I am probably a retard or blind to have misread it and THAT caused my own cynical embarassment. No replies from the other side from the start but simply idiotic whines from my side. The word "NOT" in regular font was missed completely in the email that altered the enire meaning of the email. I think there are other bad days but this one seems to go on infinitely.
Direct confrontations are ineminent and I really have ran outta of facades to contain my shame. How the hell am I gonna keep up with my own impression management? Totally screwed...Argh...this is killing me at the moment for I can't think, eat, sleep or react naturally without festering on the evil thoughts of shame, guilt and outright stupidity. So here comes the suppressed Sing(apore) Beast from within, "WAH LAU EH! THIS TIME DIE LIAO LAR! SIBEH SIA SUAY LEH!"
Technically death is nothing more than a cheat of life but living in shame is much worse. How can I, the GREAT ENGLISH TEACHER, misread the email? How is it even possible?
Wrecking my cognition and wearing sanity thin, I am desprately trying to make all this right but I guessed a mended broken mirror still have scars. Redemption is never possible so after winter, it's time to relocate matters, person and friends.
- Ride Life like the tides -
This post was not meant to be entered into the Japanese one simply because I have dedicated much of this blog to my thoughts and my recluse. A misread print recently have got me running for the door ashamed and feeling utterly disgusted. I can feel a deep pressurized bubble forming in my chest and yep it's damn uncomfortable. Feels like the seismic internal combustion will probably leave me half dead. My usual facade have been compromised and I have felt really really uncomfortable ever since but..."why" was the question that continues to pound my head.
I simply do not understand why the usual "Couldn't care less" nature of me was affected so badly this time. An issue concerning money was raised in an email and I reacted rather adversely to it. Rather than carefully analysing the texts, I loaded a machine gun with my angst and fired blindly. After a series of pretty strong accented words in my replies to display my great displeasure, I so happened to find out that a resolution had already been presented in the very email. I am probably a retard or blind to have misread it and THAT caused my own cynical embarassment. No replies from the other side from the start but simply idiotic whines from my side. The word "NOT" in regular font was missed completely in the email that altered the enire meaning of the email. I think there are other bad days but this one seems to go on infinitely.
Direct confrontations are ineminent and I really have ran outta of facades to contain my shame. How the hell am I gonna keep up with my own impression management? Totally screwed...Argh...this is killing me at the moment for I can't think, eat, sleep or react naturally without festering on the evil thoughts of shame, guilt and outright stupidity. So here comes the suppressed Sing(apore) Beast from within, "WAH LAU EH! THIS TIME DIE LIAO LAR! SIBEH SIA SUAY LEH!"
Technically death is nothing more than a cheat of life but living in shame is much worse. How can I, the GREAT ENGLISH TEACHER, misread the email? How is it even possible?
Wrecking my cognition and wearing sanity thin, I am desprately trying to make all this right but I guessed a mended broken mirror still have scars. Redemption is never possible so after winter, it's time to relocate matters, person and friends.
- Ride Life like the tides -
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Angst and rising
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Despite returning to work today after the tragedic Rotten Week which was supposed to be a fantastic Golden Week, I still could not get over the fact that I lost my precious PSP and other stuffs. I am really really pissed to the extent that I would really really end up brutally assaulting the responsible party for my misfortune. Maybe even stabbing and gutting who ever that asshole to appease me. Day in and day out extreme images race through my head regarding the lost items. I can feel my tension soaring exponentially and my hands twitching ready to release some justice.
Well maybe I got so attached to my PSP over the years that having it stolen is like losing a close friend. If I had lost it, I would probably have blame myself but this time round, it was clearly stolen. My bag was virtually emptied and my stuffs strewn across the floor. The only consolation that I got was that my bag, my jacket and my pocket dictionary was not taken.
My beloved White PSP that have kept me entertained for years and have kept me companied during my rough times, my sweet headphones that took me weeks of consideration before buying them and my torch which had a rather significant value to me. May all of you rest in PEACE for I am unable to take good care of you in the future. May you find yourself in the hands of a better asshole whom I pray will take good care of you.
I have never dropped my PSP and not a single scratch can be found on it after using it for years. I had it cased in a polycarbonate case and cleaned daily with a synthetic cloth. It was indeed a close friend and it was indeed love at first sight. We were destinied to meet but somehow God, where ever you maybe, took the liberty to seperate us and let me wallop in tears.
I have sunken to my knees and extremely distraught...Why, why the hell would it befall on me. Yes I know these are items that can be bought with money but I have an affiliation with them over the years so it's really not something that money can replace.
Damn you mutherfucker, may you suffer a fate worse than a diseased, mutiliated corpse. May your face be disfigured so disgustingly that you have to be identified thru DNA testing. May you be struck with a prolonged virus that will humiliate you and be outcast by the society. May both your eyes be blinded by sharpnels from an explosion. My all your limps fracture so badly that they jut from your skin. May you and all your friends and family members be strike down by vehicles and smeared across the asphalt. May their raw brains and eyes be exposed on the asphalt that crows feast on them. May your sisters and mothers be raped beyond recognition and may whatever unthinkable, unethical and unfathomable shits befall on you and all your generations.
Lastly, I am a believer and I believe what I see so if God ever existed and if doing good deeds will reap good rewards ever is true, then show it to me and not luck around like some useless myth that only makes innocent people suffer.
Despite returning to work today after the tragedic Rotten Week which was supposed to be a fantastic Golden Week, I still could not get over the fact that I lost my precious PSP and other stuffs. I am really really pissed to the extent that I would really really end up brutally assaulting the responsible party for my misfortune. Maybe even stabbing and gutting who ever that asshole to appease me. Day in and day out extreme images race through my head regarding the lost items. I can feel my tension soaring exponentially and my hands twitching ready to release some justice.
Well maybe I got so attached to my PSP over the years that having it stolen is like losing a close friend. If I had lost it, I would probably have blame myself but this time round, it was clearly stolen. My bag was virtually emptied and my stuffs strewn across the floor. The only consolation that I got was that my bag, my jacket and my pocket dictionary was not taken.
My beloved White PSP that have kept me entertained for years and have kept me companied during my rough times, my sweet headphones that took me weeks of consideration before buying them and my torch which had a rather significant value to me. May all of you rest in PEACE for I am unable to take good care of you in the future. May you find yourself in the hands of a better asshole whom I pray will take good care of you.
I have never dropped my PSP and not a single scratch can be found on it after using it for years. I had it cased in a polycarbonate case and cleaned daily with a synthetic cloth. It was indeed a close friend and it was indeed love at first sight. We were destinied to meet but somehow God, where ever you maybe, took the liberty to seperate us and let me wallop in tears.
I have sunken to my knees and extremely distraught...Why, why the hell would it befall on me. Yes I know these are items that can be bought with money but I have an affiliation with them over the years so it's really not something that money can replace.
Damn you mutherfucker, may you suffer a fate worse than a diseased, mutiliated corpse. May your face be disfigured so disgustingly that you have to be identified thru DNA testing. May you be struck with a prolonged virus that will humiliate you and be outcast by the society. May both your eyes be blinded by sharpnels from an explosion. My all your limps fracture so badly that they jut from your skin. May you and all your friends and family members be strike down by vehicles and smeared across the asphalt. May their raw brains and eyes be exposed on the asphalt that crows feast on them. May your sisters and mothers be raped beyond recognition and may whatever unthinkable, unethical and unfathomable shits befall on you and all your generations.
Lastly, I am a believer and I believe what I see so if God ever existed and if doing good deeds will reap good rewards ever is true, then show it to me and not luck around like some useless myth that only makes innocent people suffer.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Twitching Numbers
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Yesterday, the last day of April, the 30th day of the month happened to be one of the most crucial phase of my life. I was struggling really hard to snap out of the sudden insanity rooting me down. Rising tensions and fluctuating emotions were hanging dangerously on a fine line between sanity and insanity. I really don't know what happen or the exact trigger that set of the the accumulated catalyst inside me. In an instance, I simply exploded and everything in sight became a threat and had to be eliminated. Bugs, insects, arachnids, shapes, cups, boxes, everything seems to be caving in to crush me.
I dived for the Hi Capa which was always filled with some gas, loaded in the BBs and waited without the safety. I was one paranoid sucker suffering from cabin fever I guessed. Sat in one corner of the house and armed with a BB pistol, I forced meself to rationalize and took a huge deep breath. In my alter-ego state I have gradually lost the ability to revert back to my usual self. I tried and I tried and finally after a huge effort to conclude the battle of personalities, back I was wondering what the fuck had just happened. Pretty scary I would say to lose it just as easy as the snap of fingers.
Regaining my consciousness I began to question all the events and situations that had happened prior in hope of finding out the cause of the relapse. After carefully analysing the contributing factors, it seems the the most likely cause was the random fluctuations of numbers. From 103.94 to 104.57 to 103.46, etc...these were probably the main cause of the sudden sanity collapse. 0.01 movement of either directions of these numbers would spell either a positive or negative integer value. And the movement are exponential due to leverage. Yep, indeed money are involved and it's simply the intensity I get out of trailing forex, pitting the YEN against the DOLLAR. Well given that everyone is probably attached or getting married and I am living in a shabby hut the middle of a bamboo forest in one of the most advanced country in the world. Do the math and you will arrive at the equation of misleading and undefined answers.
Time is abundant for me and it has become more of a hinderence and I had to do something useful. No skirt chasing here as 200 year old farmers are definitely not my type. Day in day out, I watch charts, plot graphs and come out with strategies to test them. Eventually when a strategy fails, I get pretty paranoid eventhough those were simply virtual currencies. A perfectionist like me cannot fail because of my own misjudgement or stupidity. I have to rage against the moving integers every second, minute and hour because a range of 1,000,000 YEN moving in favor or against me is crucial. Yes I am in the midst of training and training to become capable of accepting my own identity. Until I can perfect the winning ratios of 8.5 is to 1, I cannot stop but crunch more nerve-wrecking numbers, charts and immerse myself in the depths of insanity.
Being robbed of the sweetness for almost a year, all that I am yearning for right now is a hug and kiss from the loveliest girl.
Yesterday, the last day of April, the 30th day of the month happened to be one of the most crucial phase of my life. I was struggling really hard to snap out of the sudden insanity rooting me down. Rising tensions and fluctuating emotions were hanging dangerously on a fine line between sanity and insanity. I really don't know what happen or the exact trigger that set of the the accumulated catalyst inside me. In an instance, I simply exploded and everything in sight became a threat and had to be eliminated. Bugs, insects, arachnids, shapes, cups, boxes, everything seems to be caving in to crush me.
I dived for the Hi Capa which was always filled with some gas, loaded in the BBs and waited without the safety. I was one paranoid sucker suffering from cabin fever I guessed. Sat in one corner of the house and armed with a BB pistol, I forced meself to rationalize and took a huge deep breath. In my alter-ego state I have gradually lost the ability to revert back to my usual self. I tried and I tried and finally after a huge effort to conclude the battle of personalities, back I was wondering what the fuck had just happened. Pretty scary I would say to lose it just as easy as the snap of fingers.
Regaining my consciousness I began to question all the events and situations that had happened prior in hope of finding out the cause of the relapse. After carefully analysing the contributing factors, it seems the the most likely cause was the random fluctuations of numbers. From 103.94 to 104.57 to 103.46, etc...these were probably the main cause of the sudden sanity collapse. 0.01 movement of either directions of these numbers would spell either a positive or negative integer value. And the movement are exponential due to leverage. Yep, indeed money are involved and it's simply the intensity I get out of trailing forex, pitting the YEN against the DOLLAR. Well given that everyone is probably attached or getting married and I am living in a shabby hut the middle of a bamboo forest in one of the most advanced country in the world. Do the math and you will arrive at the equation of misleading and undefined answers.
Time is abundant for me and it has become more of a hinderence and I had to do something useful. No skirt chasing here as 200 year old farmers are definitely not my type. Day in day out, I watch charts, plot graphs and come out with strategies to test them. Eventually when a strategy fails, I get pretty paranoid eventhough those were simply virtual currencies. A perfectionist like me cannot fail because of my own misjudgement or stupidity. I have to rage against the moving integers every second, minute and hour because a range of 1,000,000 YEN moving in favor or against me is crucial. Yes I am in the midst of training and training to become capable of accepting my own identity. Until I can perfect the winning ratios of 8.5 is to 1, I cannot stop but crunch more nerve-wrecking numbers, charts and immerse myself in the depths of insanity.
Being robbed of the sweetness for almost a year, all that I am yearning for right now is a hug and kiss from the loveliest girl.
Friday, April 25, 2008
A sudden craving...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Out of no where, unprepared and totally taken by surprise, I found myself craving for a weird scent at this very instance. I can't describe the urge that has overpowered me completely and my resistence had been seriously impaired. I want it, I need it and I am trying to seek it fast.
Yes, I CRAVE for rhe smell of hospital's antiseptic tingling thru my nostrils and flowing along my veins. I want to feel the clensing sensation that most people loathe. I want to revitalise and rejuvernate, I want the feeling of rebirth. I want to be cleanse of the filth that had accumulated inside me. Yeah I know it's weird but I badly want the smell right now for I really really have the urge to take a gigantic whiff of it. Think of it as ingesting both a stimulant and depressant at the same time [wiki speedball(drug)], and that will explain the sensation I will get by whiffing that concentrated antiseptic. I can't stop visualizing myself getting a dose, a rather strong dose of that harmless antiseptic.
Ok, off to the nearest hospital after my work...I cringe for it so badly I am literally incapacitated now, barely able to do anything right.
Out of no where, unprepared and totally taken by surprise, I found myself craving for a weird scent at this very instance. I can't describe the urge that has overpowered me completely and my resistence had been seriously impaired. I want it, I need it and I am trying to seek it fast.
Yes, I CRAVE for rhe smell of hospital's antiseptic tingling thru my nostrils and flowing along my veins. I want to feel the clensing sensation that most people loathe. I want to revitalise and rejuvernate, I want the feeling of rebirth. I want to be cleanse of the filth that had accumulated inside me. Yeah I know it's weird but I badly want the smell right now for I really really have the urge to take a gigantic whiff of it. Think of it as ingesting both a stimulant and depressant at the same time [wiki speedball(drug)], and that will explain the sensation I will get by whiffing that concentrated antiseptic. I can't stop visualizing myself getting a dose, a rather strong dose of that harmless antiseptic.
Ok, off to the nearest hospital after my work...I cringe for it so badly I am literally incapacitated now, barely able to do anything right.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Faith is subjective
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
I am really really disturbed and bewildered by the recent news, emails and ugly cross border spat that has fed my amusement in the abscence of other forms of entertainment. So much of it that the indigestion had cause me to spew some bile of dispair and here it is.
"True Miracle in Eygpt"
I am utterly disgusted by how Christ as a Faith are distributed in such cheap, distorted and blasphemous filth that just go around, unfiltered and unsolicited. Being one of the oldest faith in the world and having such grand Vaticans affairs in Rome, surviving the hands of time and bracing the numerous wars, only to surface as ridiculous junk that not only hampens the belief but also question the motive behind it. You see Faith is a beautiful thing in it's purest form, widely respected and appreciated but to enforce or any attempt to alter it will generate unfavorable repercussions. FAITH IS SUBJECTIVE just like politics.
I am really bemused by how this email can even get to me if those so called believers are so lazy to even attempt to defend their faith and bust any nonsense directed at their reputation. You see sometimes people follow faith blindly and are so into it that they lose their reasons for believing and THAT is the justification needed to start a cult. Well if you are really into whatever faith, shouldn't these so called believers do something more productive than to simply click the "SEND" button and deceive their poor friends? Oh I almost forgot, or should they create more controversial news like our Dear Miss Sun Ho and their WATEVER HARVEST following? What a bunch of crap that waste not only my precious time and effort to even bother reading them. If you ask me, I would rather have free porn in my mail than such nonsense that distort the otherwise beautiful faith that I have come to known.
Somehow even the most powerful Google and Yahoo, the marvelous technological advancements like satalite, TVs, news, paparazzis, etc and the ever so grand Vaticans and Pope are left out on miracles like these, how the hell in the world would you expect me to believe some mere words by an unknown source? Oh you mean that the U.S. Barack Clinton McCain "threesome" Race, the Beijing "filthy" Olympic and the Mr Kim "is-very" Ill blowing his top is more important than proving Christ's existence? Come on...you can do better than that don't you?
Somehow I wonder is Christ playing his PSP or fiddling his Ipod Touch while American troops "gather" at his beautiful garden and mow his lawn. Oh it seems like the Muslims reading the Bible are more important than the hardcore American believers as they are soon to be new followers...No names, dates or even pictures but only MUSLIM, CHRIST, EYGPT and BIBLE are highlighted in the email. So I can comfortable deduce that Christ is using propaganda to recruit more troops for his Command and Conquer game against Mr Allah.
Go figure people.
I am really really disturbed and bewildered by the recent news, emails and ugly cross border spat that has fed my amusement in the abscence of other forms of entertainment. So much of it that the indigestion had cause me to spew some bile of dispair and here it is.
"True Miracle in Eygpt"
I am utterly disgusted by how Christ as a Faith are distributed in such cheap, distorted and blasphemous filth that just go around, unfiltered and unsolicited. Being one of the oldest faith in the world and having such grand Vaticans affairs in Rome, surviving the hands of time and bracing the numerous wars, only to surface as ridiculous junk that not only hampens the belief but also question the motive behind it. You see Faith is a beautiful thing in it's purest form, widely respected and appreciated but to enforce or any attempt to alter it will generate unfavorable repercussions. FAITH IS SUBJECTIVE just like politics.
I am really bemused by how this email can even get to me if those so called believers are so lazy to even attempt to defend their faith and bust any nonsense directed at their reputation. You see sometimes people follow faith blindly and are so into it that they lose their reasons for believing and THAT is the justification needed to start a cult. Well if you are really into whatever faith, shouldn't these so called believers do something more productive than to simply click the "SEND" button and deceive their poor friends? Oh I almost forgot, or should they create more controversial news like our Dear Miss Sun Ho and their WATEVER HARVEST following? What a bunch of crap that waste not only my precious time and effort to even bother reading them. If you ask me, I would rather have free porn in my mail than such nonsense that distort the otherwise beautiful faith that I have come to known.
Somehow even the most powerful Google and Yahoo, the marvelous technological advancements like satalite, TVs, news, paparazzis, etc and the ever so grand Vaticans and Pope are left out on miracles like these, how the hell in the world would you expect me to believe some mere words by an unknown source? Oh you mean that the U.S. Barack Clinton McCain "threesome" Race, the Beijing "filthy" Olympic and the Mr Kim "is-very" Ill blowing his top is more important than proving Christ's existence? Come on...you can do better than that don't you?
Somehow I wonder is Christ playing his PSP or fiddling his Ipod Touch while American troops "gather" at his beautiful garden and mow his lawn. Oh it seems like the Muslims reading the Bible are more important than the hardcore American believers as they are soon to be new followers...No names, dates or even pictures but only MUSLIM, CHRIST, EYGPT and BIBLE are highlighted in the email. So I can comfortable deduce that Christ is using propaganda to recruit more troops for his Command and Conquer game against Mr Allah.
Go figure people.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A very long post
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Over the recent weeks, I travelled with my family and my elder brother and his soon to be fiance down south to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. This trip which would seem like a rather normal family tour had in fact taught me many lessons and also opened my inner visions to see further. I have witnessed how the power of love can change people and the denial of blood ties are never successful. I have come to terms with my own identity and acceptance that one simply cannot belong to a distant land away from the actual birth place. My bleak future have come to a halt where I have to seriously consider how I will write the remaining chapters of my life. I tried so hard to be forged as a cold steel blade but in the end I simply couldn't even withstand the gentle strike of a feather.
I have longed to seek my own dreams and destiny at the expense of everyone and everything else but my parents which I have complained numerously in past seems so different this time round. Their aging faces, their lost glory and their ever tender loving care which I have regrettably taken for granted in the past seems to creep into my soul slowly. I felt sad which was a feeling that I was deprived for a long long time. I have come to question my own actions and existence. It's all became so clear that all the people around me, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my grandma, cousins and my dear Eve and Elsie were simply too kind to put up with my silly antics just so that I could fulfill my own dreams. I have never think twice about everyone else and yet I was always bitching about how selfish the world is and how cruel my life was. I was wrong all these while but I just didn't want to accept defeat.
It wasn't long before I finally collapse in the face of reality which really hurt. Their words are so true so true to the extent that I begin to loathe myself more and more each day...what have I actually accomplished all these while? I can't think of any but my responsibilities grow greater each day. My roommate has returned to America and I am left alone, cold and destroyed in this broken shack in the middle of the forest. Freezing and the lack of hot water, I am forced to live in exile and question my own integrity, Thanks to my Boss, my inspiration to give it my all have vanished, living half the winter with no hot water, I have become one really pissed soul.
A lot of thinking and thoughts de-fragmentation is going on now since there is no one around and time is all I have. Reading all the messages from Eve, Elsie and Des, the weddings going in my absence not to mention missing out on my own brother engagement in May, my life have indeed come to a halt. I am very afraid because I have not accomplished anything great so far and the future still look bleak. Tenrikyo is a great an beautiful religion but it does not answer my reason for existence and this barricade in my head is forcing everything to a standstill. I really don't know what I want now much less the reason for existence. My parents still love Momo and comparisons are always lurking around the corner. Because of me, there are a couple of people whose dreams will never be possible despite me always bitching that as long as you never stop dreaming you will probably get there someday. There are serious loopholes, faults and flaws in my imperfect principle of life and I am disappointed.
Money seems to be alrite for now but I am not too sure about the future. My splurging nature have taken a complete restructuring and I have become more aware of my own expenses. Money seems to play a huge part of my current misery as the harsh words lashed upon me, my future all revolves around it.
I do not hate myself and I do not exhibit these unforgivings nature but everyone seems to look up upon me which is seriously crushing my under immerse pressure. No they do not see it or hear it but I can feel it and yet I can't speak it or dissipate it...I am simply struggling to hold on till I find the way, the solution, the key to exit all these misery. Yes I put on a false facade but that way at least I can let my alter-ego take charge so I can regain sanity. It's just that coming back to this cold run down broken shack, the misery, the solitude will welcome me with open arms...
I am not happy with all these arrangements and I want to take off but yet I want to remain here. My heart goes out but none seems to notice and my roots longed to return. My origins are humble and not of noble status but I am lazy and stubborn. My dreams are almost complete but I am halted at a crossroad. To proceed and risk everything or to crawl back and seek the forgiveness of one individual and frown upon by the whole world.
Suddenly there are so many things that I want to accomplish immediately only to find out that time is running out fast. What should I do?
To Eve,
If one day should you find me standing in front of you front door with a bouquet of flowers you will know that your dreams will be fulfilled.
To Elsie,
If there ever a chance for me to go back to the past and change everything, I would stay and never leave.
To Momo,
My dreams are only as good if you are in it.
To Mum and Dad,
I really miss you.
To Des,
You are the only person to see candles before the millennium. Hope you didn't forget that.
To everyone else,
I am tired but thank you.
To myself,
there is still some time left.
Over the recent weeks, I travelled with my family and my elder brother and his soon to be fiance down south to Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. This trip which would seem like a rather normal family tour had in fact taught me many lessons and also opened my inner visions to see further. I have witnessed how the power of love can change people and the denial of blood ties are never successful. I have come to terms with my own identity and acceptance that one simply cannot belong to a distant land away from the actual birth place. My bleak future have come to a halt where I have to seriously consider how I will write the remaining chapters of my life. I tried so hard to be forged as a cold steel blade but in the end I simply couldn't even withstand the gentle strike of a feather.
I have longed to seek my own dreams and destiny at the expense of everyone and everything else but my parents which I have complained numerously in past seems so different this time round. Their aging faces, their lost glory and their ever tender loving care which I have regrettably taken for granted in the past seems to creep into my soul slowly. I felt sad which was a feeling that I was deprived for a long long time. I have come to question my own actions and existence. It's all became so clear that all the people around me, my parents, my brothers, my sisters, my grandma, cousins and my dear Eve and Elsie were simply too kind to put up with my silly antics just so that I could fulfill my own dreams. I have never think twice about everyone else and yet I was always bitching about how selfish the world is and how cruel my life was. I was wrong all these while but I just didn't want to accept defeat.
It wasn't long before I finally collapse in the face of reality which really hurt. Their words are so true so true to the extent that I begin to loathe myself more and more each day...what have I actually accomplished all these while? I can't think of any but my responsibilities grow greater each day. My roommate has returned to America and I am left alone, cold and destroyed in this broken shack in the middle of the forest. Freezing and the lack of hot water, I am forced to live in exile and question my own integrity, Thanks to my Boss, my inspiration to give it my all have vanished, living half the winter with no hot water, I have become one really pissed soul.
A lot of thinking and thoughts de-fragmentation is going on now since there is no one around and time is all I have. Reading all the messages from Eve, Elsie and Des, the weddings going in my absence not to mention missing out on my own brother engagement in May, my life have indeed come to a halt. I am very afraid because I have not accomplished anything great so far and the future still look bleak. Tenrikyo is a great an beautiful religion but it does not answer my reason for existence and this barricade in my head is forcing everything to a standstill. I really don't know what I want now much less the reason for existence. My parents still love Momo and comparisons are always lurking around the corner. Because of me, there are a couple of people whose dreams will never be possible despite me always bitching that as long as you never stop dreaming you will probably get there someday. There are serious loopholes, faults and flaws in my imperfect principle of life and I am disappointed.
Money seems to be alrite for now but I am not too sure about the future. My splurging nature have taken a complete restructuring and I have become more aware of my own expenses. Money seems to play a huge part of my current misery as the harsh words lashed upon me, my future all revolves around it.
I do not hate myself and I do not exhibit these unforgivings nature but everyone seems to look up upon me which is seriously crushing my under immerse pressure. No they do not see it or hear it but I can feel it and yet I can't speak it or dissipate it...I am simply struggling to hold on till I find the way, the solution, the key to exit all these misery. Yes I put on a false facade but that way at least I can let my alter-ego take charge so I can regain sanity. It's just that coming back to this cold run down broken shack, the misery, the solitude will welcome me with open arms...
I am not happy with all these arrangements and I want to take off but yet I want to remain here. My heart goes out but none seems to notice and my roots longed to return. My origins are humble and not of noble status but I am lazy and stubborn. My dreams are almost complete but I am halted at a crossroad. To proceed and risk everything or to crawl back and seek the forgiveness of one individual and frown upon by the whole world.
Suddenly there are so many things that I want to accomplish immediately only to find out that time is running out fast. What should I do?
To Eve,
If one day should you find me standing in front of you front door with a bouquet of flowers you will know that your dreams will be fulfilled.
To Elsie,
If there ever a chance for me to go back to the past and change everything, I would stay and never leave.
To Momo,
My dreams are only as good if you are in it.
To Mum and Dad,
I really miss you.
To Des,
You are the only person to see candles before the millennium. Hope you didn't forget that.
To everyone else,
I am tired but thank you.
To myself,
there is still some time left.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
PSP firmwares and counting...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Seems like I have been out of the PSP firmware war for sometime...from the Dark Alex era to Team Noobz, I always find myself up to date with the latest intricate details or each firmware upgrade and the possible issues with certain ISOs, CSOs. Those all so familiar Ver. 1.5, TA-082 chip, 2.71, custom firmwares, OE-A series, etc are loitering at the back of my mind like floating tattoos that will permanantly ink themselves once I trigger them. But it abruptly came to a stop when I left my WINDOWS back home and brought my APPLE to Japan.
Running on limited ISOs / CSOs, I found myself totally abandoning the War of the Firmwares and I was happy with just those. As more and more games started spawning, once again I took a tiny bit of interest in the new games. It started out with just plain curiousity which I wound have never expected it to fully take off again. Now I am not even able to keep up with M33 and stuffs...
Despite the plateauing off of the interest and info regarding the firmwares, the games nonetheless, are growing at a steady increase. With torrents floating around, it's really not that hard to try out new games before actually buying them. But the catch is that torrent works both ways in a sense that if there are no seeders, it may take weeks or months to complete the download. Besides, if it's an old game, chances are that there may not be seeders at all. DL speed varies from ISP connections to seeders so the uncertainty of completion can be rather fustrating at times.
Well riding along the line regarding games, and the immerse power of the internet, I happen to get aquainted with a particular way to acquire those ISOs / CSOs in a much faster fashion. Weeks and months are abstract and not even realistic as the queue time is about 115 minutes in between each DLs. So basically there are only two forces at play here...
1. The internet connection.
2. The ISP of your computer.
I shall not go into the extensive details here but the bottom line is that for a 800mb ISO / CSO will require me about 2 hours odd to get it done...but given the benefit of doubt, 3 hour will be the max.
You see the power of the internet is so vast and the freedom of information is ubiquitous. So if you could harness your focus, I am pretty sure you wil get what you want or if not, a little insight on how to get it.
Seems like I have been out of the PSP firmware war for sometime...from the Dark Alex era to Team Noobz, I always find myself up to date with the latest intricate details or each firmware upgrade and the possible issues with certain ISOs, CSOs. Those all so familiar Ver. 1.5, TA-082 chip, 2.71, custom firmwares, OE-A series, etc are loitering at the back of my mind like floating tattoos that will permanantly ink themselves once I trigger them. But it abruptly came to a stop when I left my WINDOWS back home and brought my APPLE to Japan.
Running on limited ISOs / CSOs, I found myself totally abandoning the War of the Firmwares and I was happy with just those. As more and more games started spawning, once again I took a tiny bit of interest in the new games. It started out with just plain curiousity which I wound have never expected it to fully take off again. Now I am not even able to keep up with M33 and stuffs...
Despite the plateauing off of the interest and info regarding the firmwares, the games nonetheless, are growing at a steady increase. With torrents floating around, it's really not that hard to try out new games before actually buying them. But the catch is that torrent works both ways in a sense that if there are no seeders, it may take weeks or months to complete the download. Besides, if it's an old game, chances are that there may not be seeders at all. DL speed varies from ISP connections to seeders so the uncertainty of completion can be rather fustrating at times.
Well riding along the line regarding games, and the immerse power of the internet, I happen to get aquainted with a particular way to acquire those ISOs / CSOs in a much faster fashion. Weeks and months are abstract and not even realistic as the queue time is about 115 minutes in between each DLs. So basically there are only two forces at play here...
1. The internet connection.
2. The ISP of your computer.
I shall not go into the extensive details here but the bottom line is that for a 800mb ISO / CSO will require me about 2 hours odd to get it done...but given the benefit of doubt, 3 hour will be the max.
You see the power of the internet is so vast and the freedom of information is ubiquitous. So if you could harness your focus, I am pretty sure you wil get what you want or if not, a little insight on how to get it.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
A further extension of my insanity.
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It seems like I have hit almost the rock bottom of my insanity. My goody two shoes nature have been ditched and replaced by an emerging devil within. My wings of darkness have hardened and the are tearing through my skin, eagerly awaiting to flap and take me higher and higher. Love me or hate me doesn't matter anyway as I have chewed on pieces of horses and whales which were otherwise once my foremost abstinence. Designer "highs" are common for me I don't feel remorseful or responsible for anything anymore...my friends at least who will still accept me and guide me straight are welcome to stay but I doubt if anyone can ever convince me to stay.
It's just that today have been a rather rough patch and I can't explain it. Nothing actually happen but I was pissed and I wanted to do something so off the shelves are horses and whales in limited quantity. Looking at those bloodied pieces of meat, I could feel a rancid taste in my mouth and somehow I feel like a savage beast craving for fresh meat. Frown upon by my peers and also compelled by others from time to time, I took one last look at myself in the mirror and paid for my feast.
I shall not describe the taste, texture and consistency of the experience and also pay a little respect to my feast. Gracefully, the pieces of bloodied meat enter my mouth and disappear.
It seems like I have hit almost the rock bottom of my insanity. My goody two shoes nature have been ditched and replaced by an emerging devil within. My wings of darkness have hardened and the are tearing through my skin, eagerly awaiting to flap and take me higher and higher. Love me or hate me doesn't matter anyway as I have chewed on pieces of horses and whales which were otherwise once my foremost abstinence. Designer "highs" are common for me I don't feel remorseful or responsible for anything anymore...my friends at least who will still accept me and guide me straight are welcome to stay but I doubt if anyone can ever convince me to stay.
It's just that today have been a rather rough patch and I can't explain it. Nothing actually happen but I was pissed and I wanted to do something so off the shelves are horses and whales in limited quantity. Looking at those bloodied pieces of meat, I could feel a rancid taste in my mouth and somehow I feel like a savage beast craving for fresh meat. Frown upon by my peers and also compelled by others from time to time, I took one last look at myself in the mirror and paid for my feast.
I shall not describe the taste, texture and consistency of the experience and also pay a little respect to my feast. Gracefully, the pieces of bloodied meat enter my mouth and disappear.
The Awakening
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Cruising at 20km/h home this morning, I watched the golden sphere peeking slightly above the horizon. The air was fresh with a slight tint of cool moisture and the morning fog was easily visible. It was there that I actually recalled how I miss those times together and bitter memories flooded me along with the beautiful break of dawn. It was only 0600 hours in the morning and I am making my way back home.
The massive trance party last nite lasted all the way till 0500 hours in the morning. The thumping bass and the flanging electronica was over as I have grown emotionally attached to Sigur Ros. I am probably suffering from post Sigur Ros symptoms as I can't get the music outta my head. Try untitled #8 from the album ( ) which can be downloaded off their web free and you will know what I mean.
Last nite at the party, a single girl caught my attention but too bad she was attached. She had the most beautiful set of eyes, the most gorgeous set of sophistication and the most glamourous smile I have seen. No I am not hinting that I am falling for her but my admiration was ended abruptly as it's not feasible to even try to talk to her. You see, when you have a BF, and you stick to your gal buddies and remain hostile towards other guys, it not likely that you want to get hit on. Besides, I have grown over the years to observe and admire from far and evaluate how people react and behave to different stimuli and this of course is one of those many "experiment" that I conduct. Though her BF was not present, and that I got those information from a viable source, nonetheless, I was granted the honour to have a drink with her which had allowed me to push my research further.
Nope, totally futile to venture beyond any casual conversation as she was reluctant. Point taken, observation continued. And so throughout the whole night I was simply observing how she behave and react and the occasional glimpse of her smile which had amazingly put a smile across my face. Her name was Erika and she have lifted the my benchmark to observe God's marvelous creation at it's perfection. I will not settle for anything else now as such eye candy are hard to come by but when they do appear, you will know what I mean.
Sunken into a deeper state of depression, meals are irregular and I have the occasional acute pains in vital parts of my body. Sigur Ros's dark hopelandic tunes have fueled me further into my own imaginary world and I am really reluctant to turn back. A smile of calm and joy are depicted to everyone but here in this blog is what I am, away from everyone else where my world is not governed by anything else. In my own house tucked in the forests, I have awaken to be consume by the darkness that is crawling from the edges of my vision.
But there is this phrase that I have kept a secret for a long long time inside my head less the occasional mutter. Interpret it anyway you want it.
"If ever one day when you wake up and you find me standing in front of your front door with a bouquet of flowers, that will be the day that I shall grant you your wish."
Cruising at 20km/h home this morning, I watched the golden sphere peeking slightly above the horizon. The air was fresh with a slight tint of cool moisture and the morning fog was easily visible. It was there that I actually recalled how I miss those times together and bitter memories flooded me along with the beautiful break of dawn. It was only 0600 hours in the morning and I am making my way back home.
The massive trance party last nite lasted all the way till 0500 hours in the morning. The thumping bass and the flanging electronica was over as I have grown emotionally attached to Sigur Ros. I am probably suffering from post Sigur Ros symptoms as I can't get the music outta my head. Try untitled #8 from the album ( ) which can be downloaded off their web free and you will know what I mean.
Last nite at the party, a single girl caught my attention but too bad she was attached. She had the most beautiful set of eyes, the most gorgeous set of sophistication and the most glamourous smile I have seen. No I am not hinting that I am falling for her but my admiration was ended abruptly as it's not feasible to even try to talk to her. You see, when you have a BF, and you stick to your gal buddies and remain hostile towards other guys, it not likely that you want to get hit on. Besides, I have grown over the years to observe and admire from far and evaluate how people react and behave to different stimuli and this of course is one of those many "experiment" that I conduct. Though her BF was not present, and that I got those information from a viable source, nonetheless, I was granted the honour to have a drink with her which had allowed me to push my research further.
Nope, totally futile to venture beyond any casual conversation as she was reluctant. Point taken, observation continued. And so throughout the whole night I was simply observing how she behave and react and the occasional glimpse of her smile which had amazingly put a smile across my face. Her name was Erika and she have lifted the my benchmark to observe God's marvelous creation at it's perfection. I will not settle for anything else now as such eye candy are hard to come by but when they do appear, you will know what I mean.
Sunken into a deeper state of depression, meals are irregular and I have the occasional acute pains in vital parts of my body. Sigur Ros's dark hopelandic tunes have fueled me further into my own imaginary world and I am really reluctant to turn back. A smile of calm and joy are depicted to everyone but here in this blog is what I am, away from everyone else where my world is not governed by anything else. In my own house tucked in the forests, I have awaken to be consume by the darkness that is crawling from the edges of my vision.
But there is this phrase that I have kept a secret for a long long time inside my head less the occasional mutter. Interpret it anyway you want it.
"If ever one day when you wake up and you find me standing in front of your front door with a bouquet of flowers, that will be the day that I shall grant you your wish."
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Random Rants
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.
Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.
It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.
So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.
Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.
Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.
Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.
Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit
In the midst of seeking the other fallen one, I have yet stumbled onto another forbidden sanctuary that is seeking ways to lock me in. Contemplating whether to tread on that thin vulnerable line, the constant cajoling and peer pressure eventually got the better of me. Once again I walk that fine line that separates rationalization and insanity. If not remorseful or pricked by guilt, then perhaps the desire for the fruit of loom is what that lures me deeper into the darkness, further and further away from the light.
Neither am I seeking redemption nor to atone my resentment for all good things to come, I am indeed desperately walking towards a path of total destruction. It may all sound cynical and contradicting at times but it’s a hell lot easier to walk a path without light than one that’s clearly lit. Lurking in the shadows, flaws and other abominations are beautifully concealed in darkness. Even mistakes are easily covered and there are always dubious sidetracks for contingency plans. So cascaded against a contrasting well lit path where black and white are in clear distinction, there are never grey areas. Mistakes are unpardonable and condemnation are just part of the normal norm. Resentment and the quest for the perfect utopia leads to many unjustifiable verdicts which are simply swept under the carpet.
It had already dawn upon me that life is as good as what you make of it so here I am wandering into the restricted areas and breaking every rules that God had set up. If anyone were to lament me for my infamous sinister nature, it would be easy for me to simply repel all the blame to just one phrase, “I was bad from the start to begin with”. Being forced to grow up in an environment that was deemed perfect, I was never the kid that everyone thought they knew. Over the years, my performance to deceive was so remarkable that even Hollywood would bow to my feet. Ha showbiz would definitely nabbed me numerous awards and millions in cash, but it’s just that privacy is a luxury I am not willing to bargain or trade. So all that glittery limelight is out for now but God knows what will happen in the future.
So the question now is am I an impostor? Am I living in denial or am I simply tripping on LSD? 1 thing that I am pretty sure I know is that all these are not just my hallucinations but rather, alive and real. It’s funny how I am always looking at my life, my actions and reality from a 3rd person’s perspective. It’s weird and in my own context, pretty much unexplainable when partnered with the fact that I am not proficient in the medical or psychological field, I simply cannot have a clear self-administered diagnostic report.
Like a quote from a good friend, Life is like a book and no matter how good you are at reading the first page, it’s still the first page. But the point here is that I am not interested in writing an ending for my life story. I like to keep it open to allow the readers to explore their wildest imagination where everyone’s guess is as good as everyone else's. That way fading in to a legend would be a great way to depart.
Today is about the 217th day here and I have yet to locate her. I do not feel her presence and I cannot mark here exact coordinates. Yes I am desperate as the beginning of April will mark the day I live in exile. Without her, I can never surface and I will stray further away from the light, the light of hope. Wings of freedom I have given so now it’s just me and the slight glimmer of hope to shine the way. My noble aides, support and assistance you have granted but it’s still up to me to command the battle. I shall not fall with grace but I shall disintegrate into the darkness to be presented with rebirth. As evidently depicted in all my rants, nothing seems to be organized and everything's just random short pulses that goes through my head, which by the mere twitching of some nerves and muscles, my fingers weave magic to evolve the virtual memory to radical letters, words and passages.
Drained, tired and maybe lethargic mentally, I continue to strive to conceive my next move. I see a lot of similarities between myself and in people around me whom I can associate with. Everyone seems to be pursuing something they seek and nothing ever come close. We were born to run and run but we were never taught to stop. The rest simply live their simple and peaceful lives without seeking for extremes like us. They go to school, try to be the good kid, graduate, get a job, get married and live happily ever after, but for us, we are simply sailing in search for the perfect horizon, riding storms and tiding waves, picking up others along the way and leaving those who deviate. We have a compass that directs us the right direction but more often than not, the compass just points to where our hearts desire than the actual reality.
Seems like I shouldn’t draw inferences to my friends as it’s a little inappropriate and impolite to do so. Apologetic, I am sure they will understand. Right now the first thing I must do is to dig myself outta this shit
Monday, February 25, 2008
お願い...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
今日僕は初めて授業で怒った。だが、生徒の前に怒っている顔をちょっと表した。そんな事僕は思い出したら気持ちが悪いだ。自分が何での質問はよく考えたね。実僕は悪くないと思えた。そんな授業でいつも規律がないだし、僕は完全論者だし、段々僕の怒りを集めたから今日は全部噴火した。しかし本当は怖くないと思えた、授業で変な雰囲気があっただけだ。
僕は３人違うの先生と一緒に英語を教えるだが、あの先生一人でだけと一緒の授業はいつも問題があった。理由はあの先生はとても優しいなだ。生徒たちはこのポイントをよく知ってたなら、授業で何でも自由にやった。僕は何度も何度もだめって言ってた、そんな先生もう変えなかった。その上、僕はメーン先生じゃなくて、できるの事はちょっとだけだ。
本当にお願いねXXX先生、もし僕たちは先生だたら生徒のためにもっともっと良くなってだろう。お前は良い先生と思うだけど、生徒はお前に尊敬していないだ。そんな先生と一緒の授業僕は興味がないだね。優しいと良い先生は全然違うの事だろう、もし生徒は先生に尊敬していないのばいは先生しないほうが良いと思う。これは僕の希望だけだ、それからどうすればお前よく考えてよ。
今日僕は初めて授業で怒った。だが、生徒の前に怒っている顔をちょっと表した。そんな事僕は思い出したら気持ちが悪いだ。自分が何での質問はよく考えたね。実僕は悪くないと思えた。そんな授業でいつも規律がないだし、僕は完全論者だし、段々僕の怒りを集めたから今日は全部噴火した。しかし本当は怖くないと思えた、授業で変な雰囲気があっただけだ。
僕は３人違うの先生と一緒に英語を教えるだが、あの先生一人でだけと一緒の授業はいつも問題があった。理由はあの先生はとても優しいなだ。生徒たちはこのポイントをよく知ってたなら、授業で何でも自由にやった。僕は何度も何度もだめって言ってた、そんな先生もう変えなかった。その上、僕はメーン先生じゃなくて、できるの事はちょっとだけだ。
本当にお願いねXXX先生、もし僕たちは先生だたら生徒のためにもっともっと良くなってだろう。お前は良い先生と思うだけど、生徒はお前に尊敬していないだ。そんな先生と一緒の授業僕は興味がないだね。優しいと良い先生は全然違うの事だろう、もし生徒は先生に尊敬していないのばいは先生しないほうが良いと思う。これは僕の希望だけだ、それからどうすればお前よく考えてよ。
Monday, February 18, 2008
欲しいな物は...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
最初から僕は自分の夢のために、運命を作るのために、ずっとずっと追っている。いつも希望の光に走って、後ろの道を考えないので、それはとても昔だ。その時僕は一所懸命の事すごく嬉しいだから、夢と運命とか、全部もう美しいだろう。自分の世界に浸っているので、何も目に入らない。
それからいつかから僕はわからないので、あの日から僕は毎日毎日戦って戦って、夢のために？運命のために？さぁ...今はどうちのためにか？僕は真実の答えを捜す、段々疲れるになった。助けるのお願いを呼び上げた、ずっとずっと待ていた、誰にもう聞こえないので、誰にもう助けくれない。これから僕はひとつ事が解かった、人生で、世界で、僕一人でだけ自分の事を助けできるだけだ。それところか神様はよく見るだけ可も知れないけど、何もしないだろう。
可笑しいだよね、僕は最初から自信を持てた、全部の事すべて解かると思った。だって今はやっと解かる、美しいな夢と真実の夢は全然違うの物だ。もう遅いだな、時間を返らないでしょう、それから僕はどうすれば良いの？
最初から僕は自分の夢のために、運命を作るのために、ずっとずっと追っている。いつも希望の光に走って、後ろの道を考えないので、それはとても昔だ。その時僕は一所懸命の事すごく嬉しいだから、夢と運命とか、全部もう美しいだろう。自分の世界に浸っているので、何も目に入らない。
それからいつかから僕はわからないので、あの日から僕は毎日毎日戦って戦って、夢のために？運命のために？さぁ...今はどうちのためにか？僕は真実の答えを捜す、段々疲れるになった。助けるのお願いを呼び上げた、ずっとずっと待ていた、誰にもう聞こえないので、誰にもう助けくれない。これから僕はひとつ事が解かった、人生で、世界で、僕一人でだけ自分の事を助けできるだけだ。それところか神様はよく見るだけ可も知れないけど、何もしないだろう。
可笑しいだよね、僕は最初から自信を持てた、全部の事すべて解かると思った。だって今はやっと解かる、美しいな夢と真実の夢は全然違うの物だ。もう遅いだな、時間を返らないでしょう、それから僕はどうすれば良いの？
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wings of Freedom
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Finally after so long, you have decided to take the first step. A really important first step of your life that will probably allow you to redeem your freedom. These are your wings that I have clipped from the first day and each day I have waited to return them to you...I know that this day will come no matter what you may have said for eternity is nothing more than a myth that people make up to escape reality. Time is the only friend I believe that will reveal all truths.
Learning of your decision, I am feeling both happy and sad. Happy because you can walk your own path, have your own dreams and I am free from my own guilt. Happy because Time has once again proven my prophecy that eternity is a myth. Sad because I have lost my confidence to soar higher and I have to live independently in reality than my own perfect dreamworld. Sad because the fear of crashing will leave me with nothing in the end. But don't feel sorry or responsible because this is my path that I have chosen and I will have to live with it.
When I set you free once, you refused and you chose to walk in my shadows. I accepted it and at the same time, I ventured out to seek my destiny. Along the way, there were numerous setbacks and you were always there to nurse me back to health and boost my confidence. Slowly and little by little, you were eating away my independence as I was only willing to soar that high knowing that you will be there to catch me. As the table of fate turn against me, inevitably, I became the one walking in your shadows against my own will.
Now that you have finally decided to soar once again, I am really glad that you can have your your wings back. Too bad I can't be the person to catch you when you fall but from far away, I will be waiting to see you fly high up there for now it's my turn to learn to fly independently leaving your shadows. I have chosen my path from the start and so should you. Though we may be watching the same sunset in different places, I will be sincerely happy knowing that there is someone beside you to watch that sunset with you. For now, I have yet to find someone to watch that sunset with me and those beautiful memories will slowly fade away as I move on in my own adventure. It is here that I really really bade you the last farewell and say "Thank you for all these while but now it's your turn to dream and soar as high as you can."
- Wings of Freedom -
Tonight I go to sleep with a smile on my face.
And as the stars and the moon shine on me,
I will have the most beautiful dream in years.
For tomorrow I will wake up to greet the sun,
the earth and a brand new day.
Over the horizon and over the mountains,
from a far distance place I will watch.
For today there will be a bright rising star.
From my shadows you will emerge and soar,
Leave the darkness and seek your dreams.
This cage that have imprisoned,
These memories that I have kept,
This reality that I have denied,
and these wings that I have clipped.
I will give you wings of freedom.
Now it's your time to fly
New horizons and destiny awaits you.
Beautiful sunrise and sunset you will seek,
with a new face to take your hand
and walk you to the very end.
And so the story will end here,
with us writing our own adventure.
It will be a really long time,
before we complete our fairy tales,
Until then, I will smile watching you soar.
Finally after so long, you have decided to take the first step. A really important first step of your life that will probably allow you to redeem your freedom. These are your wings that I have clipped from the first day and each day I have waited to return them to you...I know that this day will come no matter what you may have said for eternity is nothing more than a myth that people make up to escape reality. Time is the only friend I believe that will reveal all truths.
Learning of your decision, I am feeling both happy and sad. Happy because you can walk your own path, have your own dreams and I am free from my own guilt. Happy because Time has once again proven my prophecy that eternity is a myth. Sad because I have lost my confidence to soar higher and I have to live independently in reality than my own perfect dreamworld. Sad because the fear of crashing will leave me with nothing in the end. But don't feel sorry or responsible because this is my path that I have chosen and I will have to live with it.
When I set you free once, you refused and you chose to walk in my shadows. I accepted it and at the same time, I ventured out to seek my destiny. Along the way, there were numerous setbacks and you were always there to nurse me back to health and boost my confidence. Slowly and little by little, you were eating away my independence as I was only willing to soar that high knowing that you will be there to catch me. As the table of fate turn against me, inevitably, I became the one walking in your shadows against my own will.
Now that you have finally decided to soar once again, I am really glad that you can have your your wings back. Too bad I can't be the person to catch you when you fall but from far away, I will be waiting to see you fly high up there for now it's my turn to learn to fly independently leaving your shadows. I have chosen my path from the start and so should you. Though we may be watching the same sunset in different places, I will be sincerely happy knowing that there is someone beside you to watch that sunset with you. For now, I have yet to find someone to watch that sunset with me and those beautiful memories will slowly fade away as I move on in my own adventure. It is here that I really really bade you the last farewell and say "Thank you for all these while but now it's your turn to dream and soar as high as you can."
- Wings of Freedom -
Tonight I go to sleep with a smile on my face.
And as the stars and the moon shine on me,
I will have the most beautiful dream in years.
For tomorrow I will wake up to greet the sun,
the earth and a brand new day.
Over the horizon and over the mountains,
from a far distance place I will watch.
For today there will be a bright rising star.
From my shadows you will emerge and soar,
Leave the darkness and seek your dreams.
This cage that have imprisoned,
These memories that I have kept,
This reality that I have denied,
and these wings that I have clipped.
I will give you wings of freedom.
Now it's your time to fly
New horizons and destiny awaits you.
Beautiful sunrise and sunset you will seek,
with a new face to take your hand
and walk you to the very end.
And so the story will end here,
with us writing our own adventure.
It will be a really long time,
before we complete our fairy tales,
Until then, I will smile watching you soar.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Humble Flumber
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Well it seems that pretty boy Edison was caught with his pants down along with a string of other females stars and seriously I will not start pointing fingers here. This has to be one of the most debated issues other than the U.S. Presidential race this 2008 simply because, it's human nature to crave for the extremes to fuel our own destruction. The eager minds to satisfy for that once in a life time view of God's perfect creation, the body in it's purest form and which fool will deny it given that it's from a celebrity? Well denial of it would be simply be turning in a hundred million dollars to the cops. Afterall, wasn't that curiosity the same one that banished Adam and Eve from Eden? Oh wait...or was it that curiosity that lead to the invention of the airplane?
There you go, a classic case of "What you reap is what you sow" or would Karma be a better word to represent the whole saga? It's up to you to decide your own course of action but it's the general masses that will prosecute your decision. Secret sex lifes of celebrities are so sought after by the media and the rest simply just prey on the media's scoop. As quoted in a certain article, Edison proclaimed that he likes taking pictures of his escapades and showing his conquests to a "selected" group of friends. Hmm...one will wonder the definition of "selected" in that statement and man man man, Edison, you sure have a huge ego. I sincerely salute you my man with a bold statement like that, it simply implies those pictures are nothing more than superfacial "trophies" to curb your insecure gratification.
A point to note here is that with over 1300 juicy photos in that computer, sending it to be repaired will be the greatest pitfall especially if I am someone of celebrity status. Wouldn't any logical common sense of even a retard with a measly 2% of sanity rationalise the situation? Alrite point taken, my man Edison, given the fact that I do respect you as much as I like your bad ass attitude, I would really suggest you spend a negative 200% of your fortune to take up some kindergarden computer class for idiots or at least to protect these vital infomation if you have an exclusive hobby than to buy a huge diamond stud.
Besides, given the supply and demand representation in economics and the influences of impactful news, if you do go long on this position if Edison's stocks does exists, I bet you would have made a huge kill overnight. Also since it's fairly easy to conclude that human nature is evil after all that spills from China, someone out there will continue to circulate and fan the flames despite Edison's plea on his blog.
Too bad, too sad and too glad that all those other souls have to suffer indirectly over this like Nic and Cecil, so let's see how time reveal the fragility of things to come.
Well since we are here on the topic on sex, scandals, lies, deceits, etc. I would like to recall a particular psychology lesson that I attended. My lecturer was debating the issue of sex with the class about how different societies and cultural values have influences on it. In fact in almost all cultures, sex is deem as a taboo subject but for Asians, this particular subject seems to have taken a huge beating that only allows it to surface underground. And the more it's being suppress, the probability of occurence is enhanced greatly but at the same time pushed further underground. Most older Asian values see sex as part of the following equations -
- The relationship between the 3 factors flow in a clockwise direction where one factor will lead to the other 2.
1. Marriage - > Sex - > Children
The most dominant classic view that the path is one directional with the flow of Marriage being the gateway to Sex which is the gateway to Children. However if you rearrange the flow keeping the fact that sex is solely for procreation, you will have -
2. Sex - > Children - > Marriage
which simply means that if you have sex (before marriage), you will have children which will ultimately lead to marriage.
3. Children - > Marriage - > Sex
This means that in any case if you have children (before marriage), then you have to get married to have sex.
However there are flaws in this restrictive view which if implemented may disrupt the relationship of the 3 factors. We shall not discuss that here for simplicity sake.
Here is another equation which I have found it relatively interesting...
Marriage = Sex + Children
Based on the above equation, Marriage will allow Sex and Children but
upon further inspection -
Sex = Marriage - Children,
which simply means that Marriage less Children will lead to tons of Sex and lastly,
Children = Marriage - Sex
which pretty much self-explanatory, Children means Marriage less tons of Sex.
Right on Edison, because thanks to you, the world including myself will have the God sent chance to "appreciate" the beauty of nature and feed our tardy little minds on some of the most gorgeous people on Earth.
Well it seems that pretty boy Edison was caught with his pants down along with a string of other females stars and seriously I will not start pointing fingers here. This has to be one of the most debated issues other than the U.S. Presidential race this 2008 simply because, it's human nature to crave for the extremes to fuel our own destruction. The eager minds to satisfy for that once in a life time view of God's perfect creation, the body in it's purest form and which fool will deny it given that it's from a celebrity? Well denial of it would be simply be turning in a hundred million dollars to the cops. Afterall, wasn't that curiosity the same one that banished Adam and Eve from Eden? Oh wait...or was it that curiosity that lead to the invention of the airplane?
There you go, a classic case of "What you reap is what you sow" or would Karma be a better word to represent the whole saga? It's up to you to decide your own course of action but it's the general masses that will prosecute your decision. Secret sex lifes of celebrities are so sought after by the media and the rest simply just prey on the media's scoop. As quoted in a certain article, Edison proclaimed that he likes taking pictures of his escapades and showing his conquests to a "selected" group of friends. Hmm...one will wonder the definition of "selected" in that statement and man man man, Edison, you sure have a huge ego. I sincerely salute you my man with a bold statement like that, it simply implies those pictures are nothing more than superfacial "trophies" to curb your insecure gratification.
A point to note here is that with over 1300 juicy photos in that computer, sending it to be repaired will be the greatest pitfall especially if I am someone of celebrity status. Wouldn't any logical common sense of even a retard with a measly 2% of sanity rationalise the situation? Alrite point taken, my man Edison, given the fact that I do respect you as much as I like your bad ass attitude, I would really suggest you spend a negative 200% of your fortune to take up some kindergarden computer class for idiots or at least to protect these vital infomation if you have an exclusive hobby than to buy a huge diamond stud.
Besides, given the supply and demand representation in economics and the influences of impactful news, if you do go long on this position if Edison's stocks does exists, I bet you would have made a huge kill overnight. Also since it's fairly easy to conclude that human nature is evil after all that spills from China, someone out there will continue to circulate and fan the flames despite Edison's plea on his blog.
Too bad, too sad and too glad that all those other souls have to suffer indirectly over this like Nic and Cecil, so let's see how time reveal the fragility of things to come.
Well since we are here on the topic on sex, scandals, lies, deceits, etc. I would like to recall a particular psychology lesson that I attended. My lecturer was debating the issue of sex with the class about how different societies and cultural values have influences on it. In fact in almost all cultures, sex is deem as a taboo subject but for Asians, this particular subject seems to have taken a huge beating that only allows it to surface underground. And the more it's being suppress, the probability of occurence is enhanced greatly but at the same time pushed further underground. Most older Asian values see sex as part of the following equations -
- The relationship between the 3 factors flow in a clockwise direction where one factor will lead to the other 2.
1. Marriage - > Sex - > Children
The most dominant classic view that the path is one directional with the flow of Marriage being the gateway to Sex which is the gateway to Children. However if you rearrange the flow keeping the fact that sex is solely for procreation, you will have -
2. Sex - > Children - > Marriage
which simply means that if you have sex (before marriage), you will have children which will ultimately lead to marriage.
3. Children - > Marriage - > Sex
This means that in any case if you have children (before marriage), then you have to get married to have sex.
However there are flaws in this restrictive view which if implemented may disrupt the relationship of the 3 factors. We shall not discuss that here for simplicity sake.
Here is another equation which I have found it relatively interesting...
Marriage = Sex + Children
Based on the above equation, Marriage will allow Sex and Children but
upon further inspection -
Sex = Marriage - Children,
which simply means that Marriage less Children will lead to tons of Sex and lastly,
Children = Marriage - Sex
which pretty much self-explanatory, Children means Marriage less tons of Sex.
Right on Edison, because thanks to you, the world including myself will have the God sent chance to "appreciate" the beauty of nature and feed our tardy little minds on some of the most gorgeous people on Earth.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My answer
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Somehow after reading a fellow friend's blog, I recalled being asked once "What makes your girlfriend special?" by a certain girl and my answer ended her search for her perfect guy. Eventhough my answer to her question was simply my own humble interpretation of what I actually felt rather than fitting the question with a model answer, it was nonetheless the ONLY flawless answer to her.
The story goes that she had been seeking for her perfect guy based on their answers to this simple and harmless question but none of the guys which I presumed was numerous, had actually gave an answer that she wanted. A simple question it may seem but hidden in it was a whole list of criterias and indications of her perfect guy depending on each answer given.
Well what really makes my answer "flawless" was the fact that it did not center around a common mean like all other answers she had received. If the answers that she had collected had to be plotted on a random binomial distribution chart with the mean at 0, I guess my answer would have been undefined. However despite having a "flawless" answer, eventually I declined her even before she had a chance to "offer" me the position of a prospective boyfriend. My reasons were simple, an answer to a question was not sufficient to determine the criteria of a boyfriend. Naive as I thought and wilful as I presume were enough to enforce my stance.
Anyway the rest was history but the main of this post is "What exactly was my answer"? Since till date I have yet to find another guy who shares the same sentiments, I have hidden my answer in these crypted texts and numbers. If by any chance you can decipher it, drop me a comment.
「Water
X
1
1.5057713297637894632785381264218
e-10」
Somehow after reading a fellow friend's blog, I recalled being asked once "What makes your girlfriend special?" by a certain girl and my answer ended her search for her perfect guy. Eventhough my answer to her question was simply my own humble interpretation of what I actually felt rather than fitting the question with a model answer, it was nonetheless the ONLY flawless answer to her.
The story goes that she had been seeking for her perfect guy based on their answers to this simple and harmless question but none of the guys which I presumed was numerous, had actually gave an answer that she wanted. A simple question it may seem but hidden in it was a whole list of criterias and indications of her perfect guy depending on each answer given.
Well what really makes my answer "flawless" was the fact that it did not center around a common mean like all other answers she had received. If the answers that she had collected had to be plotted on a random binomial distribution chart with the mean at 0, I guess my answer would have been undefined. However despite having a "flawless" answer, eventually I declined her even before she had a chance to "offer" me the position of a prospective boyfriend. My reasons were simple, an answer to a question was not sufficient to determine the criteria of a boyfriend. Naive as I thought and wilful as I presume were enough to enforce my stance.
Anyway the rest was history but the main of this post is "What exactly was my answer"? Since till date I have yet to find another guy who shares the same sentiments, I have hidden my answer in these crypted texts and numbers. If by any chance you can decipher it, drop me a comment.
「Water
X
1
1.5057713297637894632785381264218
e-10」
Friday, January 25, 2008
Grand-Führer
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
「Grand-Führer - a Leader with astonishing visions that transcends across universe which are not bounded by the physical limitations of mere mortal. A believer, a dreamer and a visionary with exceptional charismatic traits that will charm millions and start revolutions. Closely equivalent to God's fallen angel, Lucifer, the Grand-Führer will eventually collapse with grace and be remembered forever as a tyrant that leaves a deep scar in history.
」
It is in this kind of inspiration that I draw my strength to tide the darkest hours of my life. But with each step I take, I sink deeper and further away from the Light. My lungs are getting pretty messed up with tabacco and the low temperature, my heart pounding irregularly and the short and acute pains are more frequent. Somehow I feel that the end is drawing near and yet there are so many things I have not accomplished. I am unconvinced.
I am not sure, I am uncertain and I am unmotivated. The infinite "What if" doubts that races thru my head are pretty unbearable as they all center around the end of time. I have hold up pretty well contemplating, whinning, suppressing and denying. But...how long can I keep up with both my mental and physical well being?
As I try to believe, dream and visualize, I realise that I am nowhere close to where I really wanted to be. I have got part of my dreams now and yet I am unhappy and struggling but with what? Time? Existence? Reality?
I am disappointed with people and myself, I am in love with people and myself and I am in denial with people and myself. Reality is not real and dreams are not clear, voices are not heard and faces are not seen. What is really going on and how can I make sanity out of this insanity that I am experiencing?
I laugh I talk I eat and I go to work like a normal person who complys with society but inside me, I am experiencing different personalities. I laugh I talk I eat and I rationalize with my other self and it's not all weird if you become accustomed to such lifestyles.
「Grand-Führer - a Leader with astonishing visions that transcends across universe which are not bounded by the physical limitations of mere mortal. A believer, a dreamer and a visionary with exceptional charismatic traits that will charm millions and start revolutions. Closely equivalent to God's fallen angel, Lucifer, the Grand-Führer will eventually collapse with grace and be remembered forever as a tyrant that leaves a deep scar in history.
」
It is in this kind of inspiration that I draw my strength to tide the darkest hours of my life. But with each step I take, I sink deeper and further away from the Light. My lungs are getting pretty messed up with tabacco and the low temperature, my heart pounding irregularly and the short and acute pains are more frequent. Somehow I feel that the end is drawing near and yet there are so many things I have not accomplished. I am unconvinced.
I am not sure, I am uncertain and I am unmotivated. The infinite "What if" doubts that races thru my head are pretty unbearable as they all center around the end of time. I have hold up pretty well contemplating, whinning, suppressing and denying. But...how long can I keep up with both my mental and physical well being?
As I try to believe, dream and visualize, I realise that I am nowhere close to where I really wanted to be. I have got part of my dreams now and yet I am unhappy and struggling but with what? Time? Existence? Reality?
I am disappointed with people and myself, I am in love with people and myself and I am in denial with people and myself. Reality is not real and dreams are not clear, voices are not heard and faces are not seen. What is really going on and how can I make sanity out of this insanity that I am experiencing?
I laugh I talk I eat and I go to work like a normal person who complys with society but inside me, I am experiencing different personalities. I laugh I talk I eat and I rationalize with my other self and it's not all weird if you become accustomed to such lifestyles.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Phase shift
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -[
On this special day which I have reaffirmed my existing footprints on Mother Earth, I have survived a decade plus 7 years of highs and lows. But it is here that I must spit my repressed suffocation.
Given up I have, a santuary of immerse beauty, bundle of joys, rivers of sweetness and fields of abundance. Presented in front of me were platters of unforgivingly sinful food each day and I had nothing to worry. I had my own kingdom, lead a blissful life and was envied by many. A snap of my fingers would get things done and it was the most incredible santuary I had ever lived in. However it reached a plateau where I woke up from a terrible nightmare to realise that I had a prophecy to fulfill.
Then I realised that if it's all too good to be true, then it really isn't. I wanted very much to see the truth, the REAL nature that this sacred santuary have to offer and it was then I sought new adventures. I wanted to see what the other side of the forest and did not want to believe the beauty that existed before me. I was blinded by GREED and CURIOUSITY and so I embarked on my journey.
Days passed followed by months and finally years, I have ventured well beyond the forest on "the other side", I have experienced new gardens that wanted to lock me in like the sacred santury. I was not at all surprised. I did spend some time resting in various gardens so as to continue my journey but I never really let them imprisoned me.
In the very end, I am still walking down this road to seek what the new lands in my prophecy have to offer but more often than usual, I simply missed those days laying in those tender gardens and yearn for the carefree life in the sacred santuary. Despite travelling along side time, some gardens have already withered and disappeared but 1 thing is definitely for sure and that's the sacred santuary will always be beautiful, lush and forgiving awaiting my return to rule the kingdom.
My quest will continue but I do not know where I will stop...
On this special day which I have reaffirmed my existing footprints on Mother Earth, I have survived a decade plus 7 years of highs and lows. But it is here that I must spit my repressed suffocation.
Given up I have, a santuary of immerse beauty, bundle of joys, rivers of sweetness and fields of abundance. Presented in front of me were platters of unforgivingly sinful food each day and I had nothing to worry. I had my own kingdom, lead a blissful life and was envied by many. A snap of my fingers would get things done and it was the most incredible santuary I had ever lived in. However it reached a plateau where I woke up from a terrible nightmare to realise that I had a prophecy to fulfill.
Then I realised that if it's all too good to be true, then it really isn't. I wanted very much to see the truth, the REAL nature that this sacred santuary have to offer and it was then I sought new adventures. I wanted to see what the other side of the forest and did not want to believe the beauty that existed before me. I was blinded by GREED and CURIOUSITY and so I embarked on my journey.
Days passed followed by months and finally years, I have ventured well beyond the forest on "the other side", I have experienced new gardens that wanted to lock me in like the sacred santury. I was not at all surprised. I did spend some time resting in various gardens so as to continue my journey but I never really let them imprisoned me.
In the very end, I am still walking down this road to seek what the new lands in my prophecy have to offer but more often than usual, I simply missed those days laying in those tender gardens and yearn for the carefree life in the sacred santuary. Despite travelling along side time, some gardens have already withered and disappeared but 1 thing is definitely for sure and that's the sacred santuary will always be beautiful, lush and forgiving awaiting my return to rule the kingdom.
My quest will continue but I do not know where I will stop...
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