Moulting of myself

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

The process of shedding myself by emerging from within, a totally new me leaving behind a complete cast of my old self in a opaque, ghastly yellow resin. Yes I am going through this right now. Part of it must be attributed to the sudden denial of being alone in a new place and the abscence of a soulmate. The recent discovery of songs from Ozaki Yutaka which greatly inspired Nic Tse when he was studying music in Japan accelerated the proccess. Ozaki's Forget Me Not cover by Nic was deemed too depressing by China and so were some of his other songs. These songs seems to grip me real hard to the extent that they actually lead me into a state of depression feeding solely on the songs like a drug. Angst ridden, death, dispair and disappointment are offered by the songs and with that, I have walked into a endless tunnel of conflicting thoughts.

Somehow I felt the strong guilt of missing someone real bad. Not anyone in particular but just a random someone which occasionally retrieved past memories. I guessed I need to fill the void in my life. It's definitely unexpected when I thought I had it all going strong, I felt like I was loving every second of it and doing just fine, adjusting, adapting and enjoying. Then it came, pretty sudden but yet with just once swift decisive blow, I was struck down and severely crippled. I my limping, half staggering stance, I forced myself to moult and dump the old cast.

I knew I had to grit my teeth and get it over and done with as that's my only shot at survival. So in the midst of it, I am just trying to regain my composure and focus my concentration. Random relapses are unhealthy and given that no diagnostics are accurate, self administered relievers are erratic and may cause serious hallucinations. Absinthe would definitely be a potent alternative over pot.

I miss you and I would really like to hold you in my arms again.