Lost in dreams

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

It seems like I have got what I wanted...my dream to be in Japan after working my ass off for so long since the day I decided to pursue it and not let anything or anyone stop me. It started out with a neutral cause, no evil intentions or good reflections, just a plain simple cause to leave a depressing place of sorrows to a new place, a new start and a new beginning of a new book of my life, closing the old book with the last of the chapters dedicated to spiritual healing of the mind and soul.

Indeed, I have come a long way from where it all started and I have witnessed and experience events that may have eventually altered my destiny. But the past, it had always haunted me and no matter how hard I tried, I could never break free from the chains shackled to my ankles, the chains of despair, angst and hate. So along this ardous path to seek my destiny, people along the way which I have come into contact with, some vanished and leave the slightest trail while a handful few, leave a permanant mark, forever etched into my soul, following me till the end. I have burn and I have hurt, but it`s the only way to protect my soul and it seems that only one, outta of the many could see this and gladly sacrifice for my cause. This is noble but naive as well, but the promises made before and the choices made after have put me to shame and guilt and at times regret my actions. These series of events would have significance impact on my decisions and ultimately, alter my destiny.

Gripping by a complex network of unsorted and unsolicited informations flowing thru my head, I couldn`t help but execise restrain and also refrain from bereaking down, so more often than usual, I would inject nicotine and alcohol into my bloodstream just to temporary stabilise my mental equilibrium. But soon, the heavily skewed past clearly outweighs the future and so I knew I had to set my priorities right, like not losing track of where I had first started and also to reach my dreams at all cause.

And so despite a lot of essential influences, I stood by my dreams and so that sort of explains why the hell I am in Japan now. The truth is that I really liked it here and maybe it`s only the beginning but I am sute I would love every second of it for a long time to come. Let`s just say that I was indeed overwhelmed with enthusiasm even before I come to Japan and I was so fucking sure it would not died out...yeah, the ever growing appeal that Japan has to offer. Well for me, being in this new place is really a blessing since I badly wanted a new place to start my life. Not having people who have known me for so long to judge me or to put up with my nonsensical blatant and rude behavior, abide to my biddings and unruly snobbish ideas and also to leave behind my disgusted, despised and angst-ridden life.

Well since I know myself too well than anyone else, I know it would be hard to change my rowdy ways, but I will definitely restrain from getting into silly stints to get deported back to Singapore which I was born and bred and which I upmostly detest. Not that I detest the country in general, but it`s the people and the attitude that I hate...I leave it to your imagination. Simply to put it bluntly, I do not want to die and then reincarnate to lead a new life, that`s all too troublesome so I chose the easier road to redemption, at least for my own redemption which I would only have to answer to my own actions. Fuck the rest and what they think, I am selfish and I am ass so let me be the way I am...too bad `cos the "others" should just mind their own business. Bloody fuckers...imposing on others and leeching information to propagate...FUCK you assholes.

Alrite, getting too carried away there. Japan seems to be the only one place that I want to be in and living despite a lot of controversies surrounding it. Heck the rest, for most are just putting me down since they can`t be here and I seriouslly doubt if they really had my interest at heart...BULLSHIT, they are just jealous they can`t do it so they want to discourage my by fanning false justifications. Well once again, too bad for I am here in Japan living fantastically as the job is everyones` ideal job, pretty good pay with exceptional slack working hours and those idiots are still living in the shit hell hole and slogging their sorry asses off.

But somehow it`s surprising that now that I am here for close to 2 months, I seem to have hit a dead end...No no dun get me wrong for I am still loving every second of it but I kinda needed a new boost of exitement which I am still seeking, maybe a hot Japanese chick would do the trick but I really doubt it...I can`t seem to mould or visualise this weird ever changing form of mass that is messing with my sanity. It`s a feeling that you feel that something is missing in your life and yet you couldn`t find what is that exact thing that you are searching after fitting in possible candidates from your all time wishlist. Hot Japanese girlfriends, money, cars, toys, ice hockey, sex, cigarettes, booze, porn, dogs, etc... I have tried fitting almost all of the possible options to make sense of the weird shape but in avail. Sub-consciously I feek that I am getting pretty close to solving the mystery but reality just distant me from the truth.

Not to worry too much but these days, I just let the random relapse pass and not really putting in much effort to make sense of it. I have much more important matters to attend to...like sleep, play around with my sweet MacBook, my car, etc...

In summary, I guessed I have fulfiled a part of my many insane dreams which many would have thought that it`s impossible as all they ever do is contemplate and whine. Unlike me, I knew I was gonna to dream and yet live my dreams so after years of planning and working my ass off for it, I get there. So if you want to dream, better make sure you live if, otherwise why bother. Well, literally I was inspired significantly by the Guiness ad that ran on TV for a while featuring Adam King with the taglines, "If someone gotta do it, why not let it be you" and those phrases accompanied with my own, "If not here, where? If not now, when? and if not you then who?" principles, I must admit I have a little, yeah just a little achievement for the record.

And so lastly, I am still constantly dreaming about many other things only to be too intensely drawn into it and then find myself lost somewhere.

Adios...