- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Well today, I taught the students in my school in the abscence of another teacher...which is pretty fun. However in the midst of the day, I realised how much the students had actually loved my prescence in the school and regained all the lost popularity. They looked up to me, greet me with so much enthusiasm and most were just eager to smile and wave frantically at me. So this is where all the weird hormones start to disintegrate and my sanity slowly disappearing.
I thought to myself...back then it all started with one, yes JUST one reason, to leave for a place and start a new beginning where no one is there to judge me or know about my past. So here I am right here right now in my presumed "sacred" and "untainted" sanctum...where everyone look upon me as being God-sent, and everything that they ever wanted was or wished was persent in me, people complimented on my looks. intellengence, capabilities, etc and overlook all the flaws...I am just concerned that all these uncanny limelight status that I am getting here in a remote village famous for rice will never be present in Singapore and will never befall on me when I am in Singapore...not in a million light years.
Most folks here are so down to earth, no fence surrounding the schools, no need to lock up houses when you go out...yes the people here are so cohesive and yet most accomodating to foreigners, humbly welcoming them in open arms. It's truly amazing...and definitely not possible in big cities. Seeing these folks and the ever sweet students makes me wanna stay here for a long time, escaping the much dreaded city life and constant paper chase. Money and luxury or a life here, well the answer is pretty obvious...
Somehow all these beautiful occurences around me is making me a little weary as all good things will come to an end is a philosophy that I lead my carefree life with. So pondering this much untainted place that I have seek from the start, I am afraid of history repeating itself here...and that will my past come back to haunt me smashing my much beautiful dream here. No I really dun want any of that happening here...no I really dun want my beautiful dreams that have kept me alive for so long to be ruin....no way. I want to continue to believe that this IS the place to be, to start my life new, to leave behind all the filth that have rooted in me. So once again battling the sweet innocent calm before the storm, and the aftermath that the storm is about to bring, I really dun know what to do...
Will I still be living in my little sweet dream utopia shielded by my own imaginary bubble or will the time comes where I can not harness my concentration anymore and letting the bubble burst...only to crumble and succumb to detest, angst and hatred, once again seeking a new land, a new place to conquer, then plunder and torch everything...*sigh* Well life's a journey so the story will only be told along the way, not now, but in the future...
So while the never ending conflicts of my cognition rages on, a little consolation today help ease me up a little...while I headed to a supermart near my place to grab some croquettes for my dinner, the cashier checked me out...which is pretty cool and I felt good...well she's the kinda girl that's average but the type that most guy's parents would love and adore when they meet her...Yep she totally check me out...stealing glances at me...haha
Yeah I did blasted most of my much deserved cash thatI brought here on the camera, just to save a hundred SG dollars on the train tickets, now I am literally skiving on cash spent on everything, meals especially. Darn, so a little trip to the supermart, a couple of croquettes that's less than ¥200 and some rice with curry sauce or some seasoning would settle my dinner. See cos I have to save up for a winter jacket, warm clothes, and a hell lotsa other stuffs in the next couple of months...and NOPE i am definitely not and probably never will regret that I bought the camera...I LOVE MY CAMERA, which is getting the same amount of affection as my MACBOOK...*smooch* I love the both of them...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Derek Ho Si Qiu...see you again in God`s Sanctuary
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It`s weird...really really weird...like a sign, or pure coincidence...I really dont noe. Went online today while I am in school...checked my hotmail add and found out that Junrong had left me a comment in Friendster. Went to check friendster and while waiting for it to load, read some news off Channel News Asia site...didnt really go into the details except that someone had died in a marathon event. And so when the friendster page fully loaded, I saw "New Messeges" and I happily clicked it.
The contents of the messege was from Cindy, one of my poly mate...and she wrote Derek have left us this morning. So immediately I "Alt Tab" the keys to switch back to the news page and there was his name, Ho Si Qiu.
Derek was the name he was known to us and he was a fellow poly mate from the next class. Though I do not know indepth about him, still he was someone that I had went out with, dine in school and crash at parties with. Jesus...I uttered to myself as Derek was the second guy from that class to pass on. The first was Wei Liang who left abruptly due to a bike accident some years back and now Derek, whose sudden departure was totally uncalled for. He didnt smoke and I do not remmeber him living off alcohol and he`s definitely not a junkie. He was pretty healthy and fit...and smart too. So still today, I wonder why does God have to summon those talented and young people to his sacred santuary so often...I really have absolutely no idea and I will probably never be able to get my answer in this lifetime.
Go in peace but remember Derek, you will never fade away and till we see each other again in God`s santuary. Yeo I know it`s sucky to have people whom I have not met in a while leaving one after another...where people who should have been taken off and have no reason be even given life to walk on Earth are still roaming around, committing henious and unforgivable crimes.
Where the hell is justice and fairness where they fatous legacy are nothing more than mere words...
Good people die young and that phrase seems to have a deeper implication that just simple words.
I cannot explain and express the amount of condolences that I have for all those love ones around Derek but to say to them, "Perhaps God really had better use for him up there and it`s never goodbye but rather till we meet again someday, somewhere..."
It`S funny how living people all around have always taken the things around them for granted and only when they lose it, then they learn how to treasure it. To all my friends going to Derek`s wake, God bless and so sorry I cant be there to send him off his final journey...from the bottom of my heart, I am really happy that I still have those memories with Derek to accompany me till I meet him again.
See you again Derek...
It`s weird...really really weird...like a sign, or pure coincidence...I really dont noe. Went online today while I am in school...checked my hotmail add and found out that Junrong had left me a comment in Friendster. Went to check friendster and while waiting for it to load, read some news off Channel News Asia site...didnt really go into the details except that someone had died in a marathon event. And so when the friendster page fully loaded, I saw "New Messeges" and I happily clicked it.
The contents of the messege was from Cindy, one of my poly mate...and she wrote Derek have left us this morning. So immediately I "Alt Tab" the keys to switch back to the news page and there was his name, Ho Si Qiu.
Derek was the name he was known to us and he was a fellow poly mate from the next class. Though I do not know indepth about him, still he was someone that I had went out with, dine in school and crash at parties with. Jesus...I uttered to myself as Derek was the second guy from that class to pass on. The first was Wei Liang who left abruptly due to a bike accident some years back and now Derek, whose sudden departure was totally uncalled for. He didnt smoke and I do not remmeber him living off alcohol and he`s definitely not a junkie. He was pretty healthy and fit...and smart too. So still today, I wonder why does God have to summon those talented and young people to his sacred santuary so often...I really have absolutely no idea and I will probably never be able to get my answer in this lifetime.
Go in peace but remember Derek, you will never fade away and till we see each other again in God`s santuary. Yeo I know it`s sucky to have people whom I have not met in a while leaving one after another...where people who should have been taken off and have no reason be even given life to walk on Earth are still roaming around, committing henious and unforgivable crimes.
Where the hell is justice and fairness where they fatous legacy are nothing more than mere words...
Good people die young and that phrase seems to have a deeper implication that just simple words.
I cannot explain and express the amount of condolences that I have for all those love ones around Derek but to say to them, "Perhaps God really had better use for him up there and it`s never goodbye but rather till we meet again someday, somewhere..."
It`S funny how living people all around have always taken the things around them for granted and only when they lose it, then they learn how to treasure it. To all my friends going to Derek`s wake, God bless and so sorry I cant be there to send him off his final journey...from the bottom of my heart, I am really happy that I still have those memories with Derek to accompany me till I meet him again.
See you again Derek...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Cavern of Solitude
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
While I am settling in to fit into my new life here in Japan, my constant updates on the other blog seems to cater to only the joyful facade. Here once again, I can rest and spat the other side of me or rather the real side of me, untamed, untainted and raw.
Well seem like I am really living my dreams now since I had always wanted to come here. But now that I am here, a lot of emotional changes have been going...which have resulted in a cognitive shift. Somehow time and again, I eat the words that I spew before with so much confidence...but rite now I am lookng back at the things that I`ve always taken for granted and the pampered life that I have led. I was so confident back then that I would have absolutely no regrets or whatsoever...but...things are really different rite now.
No dun get me wrong...I am not regretting anything and I am definitely not questioning my own beliefs and actions...It`s just that I tend to find myself closer to what I really wanted in life and also look at things from a different angle and treasure everything around me. I am just thinking...all these distortions in my head is like my brain going through a rather detailed "defragmentation" to cleanse up the filth that have been accumulating in there all these years. But I guess I`d be alrite...
Being born a Singaporean, I live with my parents all these years and that meals and soiled clothes are always taken care of by my mum. Food is always ready and even if it`s not, within a vicinity of 1 km radius from my house, I have like more than 10 food joints. Well now that I am here in Japan, I really have to live off myself...I am still in the midst of figuring out how to do laundry, cook my meals and stuffs, which are literally things that I have seriously taken for granted. So being independent is the only way I can survive. As compared to my American counterpart, Grant, he`s probably much better off. Well that`s the thing...Singaporean are so pampered thy really do not know what it is to live aboard. Most are just too comfortable to give up and risk everything but others would probably never last more than 2 months.
For me, it`s probably due to me obsession with Japan and all the other stuffs that memerized me that is helping me do fine though. But then again if I had a chance to travel back in time, I`d still have chosen this path. Stepping out and see the world and experience a whole new horizon while giving up everything back home...it`s definitely worth it, every minute, every second of it. Ultimately it just boils down to adjustment and getting used to it. Since no one is born an adult and everyone starts from infancy, I am darn sure it`s just a matter of looking optimistic and make everyday a fun, new day with new lessons and experience.
Food here is Japan is not an issue especially since I LOVE Japanese food. They have lotsa readily available food joints around. Other than the normal convenient stores that litter the city, take away Bentos and other stuffs are easily available. But the thing is that the new place that I will be going to...it`s way up into the woods and I have to travel on my little motorbike for at least 10 minutes at 30km per hour just to get to the main street where the food and convenient stores are.
Well, I really wished I had someone I knew from Singapore to share this whole new experience with me and carve out a niche here in Japan but unfortunately, there is none who is willing to hold on to their dreams and not stop till they reached it. Many of my dear friends have just too many reasons to hold them back but ultimately it`s their decisions and their life. I too have reasons to hold me back but I really didn`t want to give up my dreams for anything, anyone.
Feel so much better pouring out all these thoughts...
Fret not, I shall not neglect this little space where I ripped open my skin and show my real soul.
See you around...
While I am settling in to fit into my new life here in Japan, my constant updates on the other blog seems to cater to only the joyful facade. Here once again, I can rest and spat the other side of me or rather the real side of me, untamed, untainted and raw.
Well seem like I am really living my dreams now since I had always wanted to come here. But now that I am here, a lot of emotional changes have been going...which have resulted in a cognitive shift. Somehow time and again, I eat the words that I spew before with so much confidence...but rite now I am lookng back at the things that I`ve always taken for granted and the pampered life that I have led. I was so confident back then that I would have absolutely no regrets or whatsoever...but...things are really different rite now.
No dun get me wrong...I am not regretting anything and I am definitely not questioning my own beliefs and actions...It`s just that I tend to find myself closer to what I really wanted in life and also look at things from a different angle and treasure everything around me. I am just thinking...all these distortions in my head is like my brain going through a rather detailed "defragmentation" to cleanse up the filth that have been accumulating in there all these years. But I guess I`d be alrite...
Being born a Singaporean, I live with my parents all these years and that meals and soiled clothes are always taken care of by my mum. Food is always ready and even if it`s not, within a vicinity of 1 km radius from my house, I have like more than 10 food joints. Well now that I am here in Japan, I really have to live off myself...I am still in the midst of figuring out how to do laundry, cook my meals and stuffs, which are literally things that I have seriously taken for granted. So being independent is the only way I can survive. As compared to my American counterpart, Grant, he`s probably much better off. Well that`s the thing...Singaporean are so pampered thy really do not know what it is to live aboard. Most are just too comfortable to give up and risk everything but others would probably never last more than 2 months.
For me, it`s probably due to me obsession with Japan and all the other stuffs that memerized me that is helping me do fine though. But then again if I had a chance to travel back in time, I`d still have chosen this path. Stepping out and see the world and experience a whole new horizon while giving up everything back home...it`s definitely worth it, every minute, every second of it. Ultimately it just boils down to adjustment and getting used to it. Since no one is born an adult and everyone starts from infancy, I am darn sure it`s just a matter of looking optimistic and make everyday a fun, new day with new lessons and experience.
Food here is Japan is not an issue especially since I LOVE Japanese food. They have lotsa readily available food joints around. Other than the normal convenient stores that litter the city, take away Bentos and other stuffs are easily available. But the thing is that the new place that I will be going to...it`s way up into the woods and I have to travel on my little motorbike for at least 10 minutes at 30km per hour just to get to the main street where the food and convenient stores are.
Well, I really wished I had someone I knew from Singapore to share this whole new experience with me and carve out a niche here in Japan but unfortunately, there is none who is willing to hold on to their dreams and not stop till they reached it. Many of my dear friends have just too many reasons to hold them back but ultimately it`s their decisions and their life. I too have reasons to hold me back but I really didn`t want to give up my dreams for anything, anyone.
Feel so much better pouring out all these thoughts...
Fret not, I shall not neglect this little space where I ripped open my skin and show my real soul.
See you around...
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