- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
In the past, well I would usually be courteous and give way to others, give up my seats to someone who needs it more than I do. That's alrite because I was happy, I had the world held up so real and so promising in front of me. I had actually believe that everything was going so smoothly and I was practically floating on a cushion of dreams that sort of "immunizes" me against anything negative.
Yesterday and today was a totally different reflection of my otherwise "complete" and positive outlook of life. I chose to stare rather than to smile and appreciate. In the trains, those who have worn frail with the hands of time hoping for a kind soul to offer a seat, I chose to stare them right in the eye with the slightest displeasure than to offer the seat. Even those with young infants in their hands, slogging thru the masses of bodies were not spared. I chose to simply stare them in the eyes showing disgust and sacarsm thru the exchanges of eye contact.
No I do not have a death wish sub consciously but rather, I wasn't motivated to do anything. I can't rationalize and evaluate the situations effectively. When a mere thought of offering my seat came to mind, it just move on and the next thing I know, I was staring into space and admiring the emptiness admist the crowd wondering what had just flashed across my mind. My reflexes and agility have greatly be incapacitated and yet I remain calm and my body remains stable.
Yesterday on the way home, the train suddenly halted just after leaving a station and people around me who were not holding on to something stable just crash and fall. I merely took one step to stabilize myself and I continued to groove to the music churning out from my PSP without the slightest interest in the cause of the sudden halt. Well, seems like everyone around me both inside and outside the train were all too concern with what's going on. Silly me stoned there like a rooted ancient tree still staring into emptiness. After the commotion was over, the masses attention turned to me...though I was enjoying the emptiness, I could sense the occasional glares from those around me as though I am some freak that spawn from undergound. Well, I was really too busy enjoying the silence to be bothered by them.
Still I have to say the lost of Momo have really cause a life-changing transitional road that I am treading now. I can't seem to find my existence and my goals, I can't seem to find myself and my soul. Still I life each day like it is and go to work as usual and simply blending into the crowd. But beneath this hollow shell of mine, I really am not sure what I have become. With her around, there was life to everything but the day she left, she took everything with her.
No I am definitely not suicidal and that never crossed my mind but regaining my composure and finding myself once again is an ardous journey. Well at least she's happy and I am not.
For now, I guessed I'd just have to believe myself and do what I deem fit. I shall let selfish and self centred cognition have complete control over my mind for even my really really close brother, yes he's my REAL brother, flying off this Thursday to Australia would see me skip the set off at the airport. Simply I gave the excuse that I don't like sad farewells to musk the real truth that I am simply not bothered with anything else except myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment