This will be one long happy post with lost of cash being sacrificed!

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well, this month seems to be rather special, or rather...interesting I must say and most probably being able to brighten my day for many decades since. 1st up, my cousins came back from a 8 day bag-packing trip from Japan, touring Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo...bought a heap of goodies back...Ghost in the Shell pre-release figures, Perfect Grade Gundams, NBA all stars '07 Addidas, and a quaterstaff of Japanese Monks...Yep the square wooden one that they hold in 1 hand and an alm bowl in the other. It's made of Japanese teak fully inscripted with Kanji scriptures on all sides with a full embroidered cloth covering the top part which is suppose to be the head of the Buddha. A single bell decorated the top part of the staff. Too bad I ain't got no photos...According to my cousin, one is not suppose to touch the cloth covered part for auspicious reasons and the number bells on the staff denotes the appropriate level of the monk. Most start of with 1 or 2 bells. A full-embroidered sleeve with bright blue strings to secure the staff and to protect it from water plus the cone hat with Japanese inscriptions PLUS the sacred staff cost no more than SGD$40...My God! Probably will get a few back when I go for my annual Japanese trip. Will be heading to Kyoto and Niigata near the Oct to Dec period later this year and did I mention my cousin only spent SGD$1500 on airfare, lodging and transportation?! So the total trip was like SGD$2900++ including expenses and everything else...

So what's next? Changed to contacts after deciding to ditch the good old specs that have accompanied me for a decade or so. Didn't really switch to contacts initially due to the fact that most say my astigmatism is to high. Shit you assholes...for I found an someone who actually tested my eyes and certified that my astigmatism was far too high from previous prescription. FUCK you assholes for being so unprofessional and that mere fact that rob me of my precious vanity wasted in my youth! So since the switch to contacts, I managed to secure a pair of Oakley shades from a local dealer since the prices from most shops are controlled. Here it is...

" The latest evolution of an Oakley favorite, it features our coveted HIGH DEFINITION OPTICS® (HDO®) for unbeatable clarity and protection. Lightweight C-5™ alloy is the reason why it feels comfortable all day. Temple sleeves of soft UNOBTAINIUM® increase grip with sweat while spring hinges balance the fit. If you’re focused on the styling, you may not notice that it meets all ANSI Z87.1 standards for optical performance and impact resistance. But the science behind all that technology is also the art that curves the lenses back, achieving a definitive look that just happens to maximize your peripheral view."

Well all that's extracted from the
Official Oakley's Web. The prototype pics on the web doesn't really appeal to me till I met my contact...the actual thingy blew me away. So I picked up the shades from him today after waiting like 2 weeks plus. Hmm my 1st pair of shades after being plagued by glasses for so long so I had to...you know, spurged a little...yeah just a little for a decent pair of shades. So this one's definitely gotta be it.

Next, I got a Fedora hat...yep the gangsta / zoot kind...saw them in Tokyo last year but somehow didn't get it. Hmm probably didn't really have attitude to pull it off and also with the darn specs back then. So with the new look, the new contacts, confidence fully regenerated after being suppress for godzillion years! Bailey's or Cobbs hats are definitely my 1st choice but too bad these never made it to local shores...and that SUCKS big time. Maybe a small market can't sustain it or rather the majority just lack fashion sense and that's the fat FUCKING truth you have to accept. Singaporeans just lack fashion sense...*sigh* Along with Alienware, these cool hats from U.S. will never make it here...

Yep that's the kinda hat I'm into now...and plus the Oakley shades...Haha okay, I confess I confess...it's an inspiration after playing the Def Jam Fight for NY game. The fashion in there inspired me...And so I settled for a plain looking one that like really a bargain and yet it doesn't look sucky and cheap. I guessed I pulled it off afterall...went walking downtown on a weekday and had stares all day long...nope not the "WHAT THE AWEFUL FUCK" look but rather "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FASHION" look...maybe I am even closer to being a Japanese...now this kinda of style can be found all over Japan and Taiwan and I am damn sure no one's gonna give FUCK but hey, here in Singapore...Haha...

Head almost fully decorated so comes the rest of the body...Wanted the Stussy Kik shirt after seeing it in the Japanese Stussy Mag in Kinokuniya but then again, IT'S NOT AVAILABLE IN FUCKING SINGAPORE! Only in U.K. an Japan...

And my brother who was in U.S. for a week and then U.K for a couple of days wouldn't get it for me even when I offered to pay him back. Idiot! And WHOA?! Desiree, my best friend happen to be in U.K. when I called her this afternoon...well she's an air stewardess. And yep you guessed it, she got it for me...YEEPEE! Got a confirmation call from her like an hour ago when she was in the STUSSY SHOP IN LONDON! *HUGZ* *HUGZ* LOVE U DES! Haha...so happy.

Now for the final item on my Apr 2007 shopping spree...BOOTS! In fact it's military boots...Altama Desert Tan Mil-Spec boot 4156. Altama and Wellco are the only 2 companies designated by the U.S. Ministry of Defense to supply boots to the military. And these booties are the exact ones worn to Iraq and Afaghanistan to kick those terrorists' asses. Haha and I don't suppose it's a commercial item here. Had to do a bit of research and homework to get these gems. 3 local companies were quoted to me via email from Altama themselves and only 1 of them have it for commercial sale but too bad they didn't have that particular boot and have really limited stock for the other models. And they have been waiting for a shipment of these boots since last June in 2006! FUCKING low efficiency I say...but then again, it's probably due to the fact that even in the U.S. these boots are very much sought after. So the other 2 retailers quoted...happens to do orders for corporations or huge quantities eventhough they are definitely able to bring in just 1 pair of these boots for me but at a much higher price. Think economies of scale and you will understand...Well lucky me, I went down to 1 of these remaining 2 retailers to try the boot and FUCKING SHIT, they didn't have the samples...only after I got there did they found out that the samples were already sold off. But they did let me piggy-back their shipment of 700+ boots for the new Gurkha recruits. Got a final confirmation msg from one of their staff, Jasmine that my boots are in tomolo, 27 Apr 2007 Friday and to make up for my wasted trip to their office, I wasn't charge freight and handling and they will deliver the boot to me. Haha...Big Big Thank You Jasmine...you really know how to please your customers...hehe here the pic
Notice the big Ministry of Defence logo...hehe PROUD! And here's some quotes...

"Product Description
ALTAMA Desert Boots were originally created for Desert Storm and have evolved to include several versatile, durable and comfortable styles. Currently, these boots are used worldwide to fight the War on Terror. Padded Collar, Midsole - Leather, Removable Innersole - Cambrelle® Covered Molded Polyurethane, Nylon Coated Brass Speedhook/Eyelet Lacing System, Steel Shank"

Apparently it's the "STEEL SHANK" that's keeping me drooling over these boots...that's the stainless steel plate installed in the sole to prevent Punji Stakes from going thru your feet. Now that's cool and it's quite seldom to see people walking around Singapore with these waterproof, cool looking ass-kickers...Hahaha

Subconscious

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Back in the days when I was still in my adolescence, I remembered clearly that during a particular art class, each student was given a fruit to draw. We had to mix the paint and play with assorted colors to paint the fruit we were given. So as usual, the weird side of me started to look around and see what the others actually did before I started. It's funny but seems like since young, I had this condition which some might tink it's paranoid but as far as I am concern, I tink is just alrite. I just like to sit rite at the end of the class with nothing but the cold, solid war behind me. I hated to have the feeling that someone is watching me from behind and with that kinda mentality, I really couldn't do anything without the constant fear. Though it's really nothing but still it just freaked me out...and the fact that I'd rather watch and observe what others are doing than to live in constant fear that I'm being watched. That carried way on into my teens and sort of waned as I grew older. I just like observing others and visualize how people react to certain situations or stimulus. The way people react and behave fasinated me greatly but at times, I find myself weird...

Ok back to the art subject...and so everyone else handed up their "Master Piece". So when the results were released back to us sometime later, I was really surprised that the art teacher spoke really insane words. She said that only 2 students out of the whole class had scored 90 and above outta 100 and I felt since I hated school, the probability of me being able to ace the subject was close to zero. Denial could only get me this far, I was 1 of the 2 aces.

My reason that provided an insight was as follows, "The teacher had deliberately given us different fruits to paint and that each fruit was not perfect. They had flaws, weird colors and strange shapes. The result had proven that a high percentage of students had actually drew what they WANTED TO SEE rather that what they SAW. This clearly justified that it's normal for everyone one to pursue perfection and that most cannot accept that there are imperfections. They simply cover the flaws and filter out stimulus that are inconsistent with their thoughts. And that resulted in them drawing what they thought they saw. Only me and the other student actually drew the exact fruit with the imperfections and discoloration. That was then I realise that I was one of the few who just might be artistically inclined. But then again I wasn't sure. I just felt that I was strange and different and I didn't fit in but the existence of another student with the same mentality comforted me. I had to admit she was a head-turner. The looks and the intelligence, too bad we didn't got together."

And so that was it...just had to fill this in after learning about LOW LATENT INHIBITON (LLI) from Prison Break series. A condition that Mike had suffered, coupled with his high IQ that makes him an instantaneous genius. Nope I am definitely not claiming I am a genius but just that conditions and disorders of the mind CANNOT be measured accurately. It's just weird.

Dedicated to you

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

You are so far and yet so near

And dreams are so real yet transience

Your prescence is felt without your existence

And your smells still lingers here

I can't live without you yet I can't live with you

And I am nothing but a pawn in your disposal

Hope is a word that gives faith

And faith, only if you believe

Darkness is a vision that blinds

But illusion is pure deceit

Making sense...

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Well recently got this thingy for boots...yeap boots. Not goth or fetish but Military Spec boots especially the Desert Storm Tan series. Somehow after getting a pair of Timberland with Gold emblems from Japan last year didn't actually satisfy my desire. Got this thingy for military stuffs eventhough I have completed my liability for this nation. Maybe becos they last much longer than other commercial products given the value for money and also, it's not common to see assholes pull it off as a fashion statement in Singapore where street fashion for most brainless suckers are simply a flop. Yeap they simply have no FUCKING taste...following whatever the ugly trend is and God knows where they pick up the trend from.

Anyway, I googled for the boot I wanted and I founded Altama, a company that supply boots to kick the asses of terrorists. Yeah, they were used in both the Afghanistan and Iraq war and are standard issues for the U.S. military. God these boots are really awesome...then I went around trying to find these gems in Singapore. Well, the overall experience is FUCKING disappointing. None of the 3 retailers supplied to me by an email from Altama carried the appropriate sizes for me to try. And of the 3 retailers, only 1 entertain walk in customers while the other 2 do orders for mass orders and for corporations. From them I found out that a large shipment of around 700 of these boots are being shipped in for Gurkhas in Singapore. Fucking shit...they are the elite warriors protecting our soil and giving their lives when necessary and that commands them the rights to have these boots as a standard issue for new recruits.

And the rest of the population that serves the nation as well, conscripts for the SAF get ordinary boots. Maybe it's a budget issue, or some other issues that I do not bother and simply have no interest in. But the bottomline is that if you are an asset, you get the best stuffs while if you are nothing more that a mere liability, you get the commercial stuffs.

Nope, I am not feeling the slightest bit of jealousy here but you can always spend a little cash to get the things you want rather that trade your life and freedom for a lifetime of commitment.

Go figure.

Live my dreams for me my dear friend, my bro, my inspiration.

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

While at work this morning, I was busying chatting with my junior poly mate who is also my gd friend and my bro. A Japanese raised in Singapore doing a degree in Australia. He was asking me about some car parts and from there I dug out some FREAKING awesome shocks. He was being featured in a Australian racing site..."http://www.timeattack.com.au/1990_r32_nissan_skyline_gtr.php"

My god, he's living my dreams...a monster machine, a soulmate, tracks and speed. No you really won't be distracted by redundant issues in the world...no relationship issues, no mother nagging, just you, your machine and tons of asphalt. That is attaining nirvana...a new level of existence, a new meaning in life.

Cheerios bro and kudos to you. Everything I wished I was, I wanted, I see them in you...Japanese, cars, soulmate, outta Singapore. God...live my dreams for me my bro...live the life I always wanted. But sad to say they will soon be your memories, your glory days...and they will fade...'cos you just said it, after graduating, it's back to this God forsaken place to work.

Well if there's is any possibilities in the future, I am really sure we will live our dreams together...I really do not rule out a possibility of collaboration in the future, to start a biz, to venture, to excel and to strike...

Chances...do I deserve them?

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

Chance, how many time will a person who have sinned either deliberately or innocently be granted? 1? 2? Just how many will be enuff? Though you might not know it, sometimes, people just ask or do things and will indirectly without thinking of the consequences and they seek to redress their grievences only after knowing that they have hurt someone else. But do laws give these people a chance? Not often the case if the cases are extreme.

Though I too have sinned and have disappointed you, I can only apologise and ask for forgiveness. As to whether will you give me another chance, I will not and shall not ask. I am sorry...it was a indirect question and an impromptu one with no strings attached and I do admit it's a stupid question but it's just that I rely a lot on trust. It's hard to trust anyone these days you know. And since not much is know about me or you so the stupid question. I hope everything can just be salvage and be the way it was like when I told you I was dreaming...I can sense the distance and I really do not like it. I am not possessive and many can vouch for it but rather it's more like a random question.

There's is nothing I can do much now but to once again wait for you to move a chess piece, only then will I be able to plot and move mine. I used to say that everyone else is just a mere chess piece on my chessboard that can be sacrificed but little did I realise that I have not knowingly become someone else's chess piece. I do have a choice to skip the chessboard but I do not seek that path for reasons only known to me. I hold on till an alternative comes along and I weigh the consequences to choose which side of the balance will I let go. I have been hurt real deep and I do not trust anyone else and this is the only way I can protect myself from collapsing which is by making everyone else collapse and you in turn will carry on this cycle to someone else.

I just want to sincerely apologise to you for making such a mistake but if you do want to blame me, please do so only after knowing what I have been through. I hope for better days to come and also to minimize the distance between us. *sigh* My love for you have cause you more hurt and sadness than what I initially set out to do, to give you happiness and warmth.

Like me, you longed for warmth and love but the past have gripped you tight and poisoned your mind only to lock away that pure, warmth heart in thick layers of ice. Before you get engulfed in angst and sins like me, I will show you the path to redemption...haha yeah, the path to the ultimate redemption. I shall turn you into someone more evil than me, more sick and more vicious. All is nothing but a illusion, an act, a play, a show. Haha...answerable only to myself, you will soon sow the seeds like how I had planned...until my master grant me eternity, I will have more minions to carry out my master plan...to turn this rotten work into something more rotten.

But at times, I really do feel something positive for humanity's sake. Maybe that's the missing angel in me that have been caged all these while. I will not waver and I will not fall...

A drug that decides life and death

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

A miracle drug that God created, only to land in your hands. A drug that spells life and death for me just like Ryuk missing out on apples. A single dose set everything right, a devil to lose his wings and trident in exchange for a robe of white and a halo. But soon, Lucifer will spawn again.

It just a vicious cycle that my life is revolving around. Once the effects of the drug wears out, darkness sets in and all hell breaks lose. I get my drug, sanity to mankind, otherwise, you know very well what's gonna happen.

Thank you for saving my life once again and remember, you and only you chosen by the Prince of Darkness can hold that enormous power to sedate the evilness and atone all sins in me by releasing the antidote. So please remember to be kind to those who you do not know, yet they have sacrificed on your behalf. I am forever loyal you, my master.

And to die by your side is an honour but my time have not come yet.

I hate everything and everyone else.

- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -

I am really trying my best to hang on all these while...so fucked up my life that you probably wont even care to understand or know. All thanks to you that I chose to screw up my otherwise blessed life. Yet I am not blaming you now, you wouldn't even bother to care given that you are already so tied up with your own problems. Though I cant understand how you feel or experience the mental truma you are going through, I ani't living a life of roses either. If you think you are going crazy, I am fucking sure I will get to a asylum before you do. Just that suicide is child's play to me these days, i wouldn't even consider wasting it for something so redundant.

Hanging on, I am almost on the bringe of collapsing but do you know? Well you wont and probably wouldn't even give a fuck. Everyone have 24 hours a day and yet not a single second can you spare for me. Giving up is not an option for me but I guess if the day I collapse, giving up will be the path to redemption. I am in no fucking position to ask where the fuck are you when I needed you as you would probably ask me the same fucking question. You are damn strong headed and self-centred yet I am a sucker who cant survive a single day with an antidote and you, of all the people have to hold the antidote. FUCKED!

People can be so FUCKED with their lives and though I seriously don't give a fucking shit what everyone elses think, I only care about myself. I am selfish and self centred and I am a fucking jerk. Welcome to me FUCKED, condemn world where angst and disgust engulf human's soul forcing everyone to slain everyone else so that in the end, only 1 will remain.

Since the last entry, my mental condition is seriously rotting away, each day looking for more sacrifices, lies and deceit. Occasionally I regain sanity but usually, I am just deceiving myself and everyone else. This is indeed a FUCKING tough route to take but it's just outwit, outplay, outlast. If I had a gun, I will shoot all FUCKERS that is making everyone elses' lives difficult and you know who I am fucking referring to. All who oppose my idealogy.

Just like Death Note, this world is so FUCKED and there are just so many redundant FUCKERS that the world are better off without them!

FUCKED!