- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
To coin the phrase "To err is human", one will probably be seeking the path to either making amends or to justify the misdeeds. However, I feel that the phrase is ambiguous in representing either of the paths as it strongly emphasize the pespective of the wrong doer which clearly neglect the victim's pespective. Therefore I feel that since there is always a counter balance on the other end, there should be a second part of the phrase which will otherwise complete the full meaning.
"To err is human and to forgive, divine." should be the complete phrase as one can see that the wrong doer is clearly seeking forgiveness from the victim by not only admitting the misdeed but also praising the victim's benovelence and kindness. Well, eventhough the clear intentions of the wrong doer is not known, given the benefit of doubt, let's simply hypothesize that the intention is good for clarity sake.
As compare to the 1st phrase, the second phrase sounds sincere and polite by indirectly seeking forgiveness by praising the victim which implies that the wrong doer has taken the feelings of the victim into consideration. Whereas the 1st phrase sounds more like an excuse to justify one's misdeed and demand forgiveness from the victim instead of repenting. It implies a skewed, self-centered perspective which neglects the victim's feelings.
With respect to the above hypothesis, and in a twist of unexpected events, it seems that my previous benovelence had paid off. Well not that I am sure if it was simply a favour returned or is it a genuine gesture of friendship, I do not spend much effort to doubt either possibilities. I simply ride them like a wave and adjust accordingly. One's prerogative is never define by any measures, let alone a few words and paragraph. For now, I simply wait for more good tidings to come for the festive period.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Moulting of myself
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
The process of shedding myself by emerging from within, a totally new me leaving behind a complete cast of my old self in a opaque, ghastly yellow resin. Yes I am going through this right now. Part of it must be attributed to the sudden denial of being alone in a new place and the abscence of a soulmate. The recent discovery of songs from Ozaki Yutaka which greatly inspired Nic Tse when he was studying music in Japan accelerated the proccess. Ozaki's Forget Me Not cover by Nic was deemed too depressing by China and so were some of his other songs. These songs seems to grip me real hard to the extent that they actually lead me into a state of depression feeding solely on the songs like a drug. Angst ridden, death, dispair and disappointment are offered by the songs and with that, I have walked into a endless tunnel of conflicting thoughts.
Somehow I felt the strong guilt of missing someone real bad. Not anyone in particular but just a random someone which occasionally retrieved past memories. I guessed I need to fill the void in my life. It's definitely unexpected when I thought I had it all going strong, I felt like I was loving every second of it and doing just fine, adjusting, adapting and enjoying. Then it came, pretty sudden but yet with just once swift decisive blow, I was struck down and severely crippled. I my limping, half staggering stance, I forced myself to moult and dump the old cast.
I knew I had to grit my teeth and get it over and done with as that's my only shot at survival. So in the midst of it, I am just trying to regain my composure and focus my concentration. Random relapses are unhealthy and given that no diagnostics are accurate, self administered relievers are erratic and may cause serious hallucinations. Absinthe would definitely be a potent alternative over pot.
I miss you and I would really like to hold you in my arms again.
The process of shedding myself by emerging from within, a totally new me leaving behind a complete cast of my old self in a opaque, ghastly yellow resin. Yes I am going through this right now. Part of it must be attributed to the sudden denial of being alone in a new place and the abscence of a soulmate. The recent discovery of songs from Ozaki Yutaka which greatly inspired Nic Tse when he was studying music in Japan accelerated the proccess. Ozaki's Forget Me Not cover by Nic was deemed too depressing by China and so were some of his other songs. These songs seems to grip me real hard to the extent that they actually lead me into a state of depression feeding solely on the songs like a drug. Angst ridden, death, dispair and disappointment are offered by the songs and with that, I have walked into a endless tunnel of conflicting thoughts.
Somehow I felt the strong guilt of missing someone real bad. Not anyone in particular but just a random someone which occasionally retrieved past memories. I guessed I need to fill the void in my life. It's definitely unexpected when I thought I had it all going strong, I felt like I was loving every second of it and doing just fine, adjusting, adapting and enjoying. Then it came, pretty sudden but yet with just once swift decisive blow, I was struck down and severely crippled. I my limping, half staggering stance, I forced myself to moult and dump the old cast.
I knew I had to grit my teeth and get it over and done with as that's my only shot at survival. So in the midst of it, I am just trying to regain my composure and focus my concentration. Random relapses are unhealthy and given that no diagnostics are accurate, self administered relievers are erratic and may cause serious hallucinations. Absinthe would definitely be a potent alternative over pot.
I miss you and I would really like to hold you in my arms again.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Reminiscence
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
After being introduced the Japanese drama densha otoko (電車男) sometime ago, I managed to obtain a free copy while working here in Japan. The synopsis of it, I shall skip...but to put it simply, the warm tender love in the drama amidst the wacky humour have made me find myself in love again. Longing for long walks in the park, malls, etc holding someone's hand and the little affectionate hugs and kisses...
I really feel like falling in love all over again...the drama warmed my heart and the the tender loving affectionation melted my soul. Yep, I almost teared watching the drama...it's really really sweet. So taking a walk down memory lane, I recalled all the wonderful moments in my life where I was so in love with another person. Everything seems to be perfect when love is in the air...
Then a jolt of pain-striken lightning will flash, piercing my heart with the cruel reality...no beginning, there will never be an end. So no love to start, to tears to weap in the end. No expectations, no disappointments. I woke up realising how fragile love is and how vulnerable I was. I longed to be love and yet I choose to deny it knowing the consequences...
Until the day the person I am waiting appear, let love not hurt me but protect me.
After being introduced the Japanese drama densha otoko (電車男) sometime ago, I managed to obtain a free copy while working here in Japan. The synopsis of it, I shall skip...but to put it simply, the warm tender love in the drama amidst the wacky humour have made me find myself in love again. Longing for long walks in the park, malls, etc holding someone's hand and the little affectionate hugs and kisses...
I really feel like falling in love all over again...the drama warmed my heart and the the tender loving affectionation melted my soul. Yep, I almost teared watching the drama...it's really really sweet. So taking a walk down memory lane, I recalled all the wonderful moments in my life where I was so in love with another person. Everything seems to be perfect when love is in the air...
Then a jolt of pain-striken lightning will flash, piercing my heart with the cruel reality...no beginning, there will never be an end. So no love to start, to tears to weap in the end. No expectations, no disappointments. I woke up realising how fragile love is and how vulnerable I was. I longed to be love and yet I choose to deny it knowing the consequences...
Until the day the person I am waiting appear, let love not hurt me but protect me.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I wished I had my Psychology textbooks
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Right here right now, time and again, I really wished I had my Psychology textbooks. The reason is because reading them and then understanding them would allow me to have a clearer pespective as to how people generally like to maintain an impression and how people generally like to project themselves to others positively. More often than usual, people would project WHAT THEY WANT OTHERS TO SEE than what others will see them.
Using this analogy, it's better to keep your profile low as the lesser the other party knows about you, the easier it is to paint an impression you want them to believe. In other words, people who know you inside out are more likely to catch you lying than those who do not. This way, if you start your life in a new place with everyone as strangers, you can fit yourself in as positively or as negatively as you would like. That is of course if you do not err and let the realy truth out.
It's an extremely complex and dangerous weapon to wield and more often than not, you will end up hurting yourself and will be forced to relocate to another place. Reading through the pages of my Psychology notes, understanding the philosophy behind and the various theories, a lot of voids are easily cleared up leaving only the final refining of thoughts who clearly explains everything, literally.
Having absorbed a chuck of knowledge from Psychology lessons, I tried applying the theories to my life and surprising, it works not to mention on certain occasions, I did obtain a desirable outcome. It's really not hard trying to create and then maintain the facade one would like to project, just remember that if you din't stray far from the real you, you can't go wrong. Of course filtering out the undesirable image or information that serves as the basis of the entire impression projection theory, is a good way to start, along the way the careful and tedious task to selecting the "right" info to screen is even more crucial.
After the initial set up is done, one should harness all forms of concentration to focus on only 1 single point, Impression Management.
Right here right now, time and again, I really wished I had my Psychology textbooks. The reason is because reading them and then understanding them would allow me to have a clearer pespective as to how people generally like to maintain an impression and how people generally like to project themselves to others positively. More often than usual, people would project WHAT THEY WANT OTHERS TO SEE than what others will see them.
Using this analogy, it's better to keep your profile low as the lesser the other party knows about you, the easier it is to paint an impression you want them to believe. In other words, people who know you inside out are more likely to catch you lying than those who do not. This way, if you start your life in a new place with everyone as strangers, you can fit yourself in as positively or as negatively as you would like. That is of course if you do not err and let the realy truth out.
It's an extremely complex and dangerous weapon to wield and more often than not, you will end up hurting yourself and will be forced to relocate to another place. Reading through the pages of my Psychology notes, understanding the philosophy behind and the various theories, a lot of voids are easily cleared up leaving only the final refining of thoughts who clearly explains everything, literally.
Having absorbed a chuck of knowledge from Psychology lessons, I tried applying the theories to my life and surprising, it works not to mention on certain occasions, I did obtain a desirable outcome. It's really not hard trying to create and then maintain the facade one would like to project, just remember that if you din't stray far from the real you, you can't go wrong. Of course filtering out the undesirable image or information that serves as the basis of the entire impression projection theory, is a good way to start, along the way the careful and tedious task to selecting the "right" info to screen is even more crucial.
After the initial set up is done, one should harness all forms of concentration to focus on only 1 single point, Impression Management.
Revelations...but from who.
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Recently I seem to have sunken into a deep, vast amorphous space of thoughts. Almost everynight, with an Ice Mint Marlboro cancer stick popped snugly between my fingers, I sat leaning against my bed, fully kitted with sweaters and snowboarding jackets, I simply stoned there for a good amount of time. Although my central sensors are still functioning and I am fully aware of my surrounding, my cognition was splited into 2 halves. 1 for keeping my animalistic instincts of survival, the other one just wondered deeper into an ocean of thoughts to seek something.
Sometimes even when I am asleep, sub-conciously I wonder far away like being sucked into a huge black hole...but in the midst of all these, I could sense that something is waiting to be discovered. What could it be...an answer, the truth, an omen? I do not know, but this morning after I hit the snooze button on my clock, the short 30 minute slumber attacked my sub-conscious cognition and I was abruptly awoken by my room mate. It was then I realised that I had overslept and was late for work. Washed up and got changed in an amazingly insane record of 10 minutes compared to the usual 30 minutes, I grabbed my breakfast and ate en route to work.
Munching away my little blueberry buns while driving, bits and pieces of the revelation a while ago flashes thru and I could feel exactly like in the revelation. It's pretty frightening but I simply shrug the thought to the back of my head. Sometime ago I did posted a similiar post regarding this issue, and I think now, though not as often, the mental relapse are getting more intense with erratic occurences. What is going on...what or who is trying to tell me something?
Is it the mountains around me or is it the woods behind my house? Is it the food or is it my past? Sanity is failing me and anxiety is growing gradually with paranoia looming around the corners. I just hope this wild array of distorted thoughts are not going to explode exponentially into infinity.
My mind is weak, I could sense it...if it's really true that someone or something above the clouds or beneath the earth wants to possess my vulnerable mind, I will not give in without a fight. Never!
Recently I seem to have sunken into a deep, vast amorphous space of thoughts. Almost everynight, with an Ice Mint Marlboro cancer stick popped snugly between my fingers, I sat leaning against my bed, fully kitted with sweaters and snowboarding jackets, I simply stoned there for a good amount of time. Although my central sensors are still functioning and I am fully aware of my surrounding, my cognition was splited into 2 halves. 1 for keeping my animalistic instincts of survival, the other one just wondered deeper into an ocean of thoughts to seek something.
Sometimes even when I am asleep, sub-conciously I wonder far away like being sucked into a huge black hole...but in the midst of all these, I could sense that something is waiting to be discovered. What could it be...an answer, the truth, an omen? I do not know, but this morning after I hit the snooze button on my clock, the short 30 minute slumber attacked my sub-conscious cognition and I was abruptly awoken by my room mate. It was then I realised that I had overslept and was late for work. Washed up and got changed in an amazingly insane record of 10 minutes compared to the usual 30 minutes, I grabbed my breakfast and ate en route to work.
Munching away my little blueberry buns while driving, bits and pieces of the revelation a while ago flashes thru and I could feel exactly like in the revelation. It's pretty frightening but I simply shrug the thought to the back of my head. Sometime ago I did posted a similiar post regarding this issue, and I think now, though not as often, the mental relapse are getting more intense with erratic occurences. What is going on...what or who is trying to tell me something?
Is it the mountains around me or is it the woods behind my house? Is it the food or is it my past? Sanity is failing me and anxiety is growing gradually with paranoia looming around the corners. I just hope this wild array of distorted thoughts are not going to explode exponentially into infinity.
My mind is weak, I could sense it...if it's really true that someone or something above the clouds or beneath the earth wants to possess my vulnerable mind, I will not give in without a fight. Never!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Shame
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Sometimes I really wonder if it's all worthwhile to go the extra mile even for a nano hassle for some people who label themselves as "Friends". These people will be really really nice, working and having fun, parties and maybe even have girlfriends. The are so likable and tend to do really well in social networking.
However, they will bare their fangs at the slightest monetary dispute, and project how pathetic their lives are, among all other factors. At times, they will disappear unknowingly for a indefinite period of time and then only to surface when they need help, clearly forgetting that they had broken all the rules of engagement prior.
Haven't these people any shame or the slightest guilt? Not even an apology, redemption or whatsoever to patch or even mend the broken situation and yet they have the cheek to surface and request for assistance. I seriously doubt the thought of redemption even cross their "busy" minds. They would not even realise that they had actually treaded on an extremely fine line much less, being at fault.
I am utterly disgusted simply because they chose to bare their fangs only after numerous years of established and prudent relationship. Why not the beginning I wondered...and yet the answers will always remain a mystery.
I was pissed initially but in the end, I still choose to go the extra mile to help them hoping that they will realise the vulnerable fraternity. I deliberately left my name behind to see if my efforts were appreciated. Well, I know my answers will come in a matter of time, if not, there...such an illutionary facade will probably be better off without as I really find it extremely tiring and uncomfortable to keep up.
Sometimes I really wonder if it's all worthwhile to go the extra mile even for a nano hassle for some people who label themselves as "Friends". These people will be really really nice, working and having fun, parties and maybe even have girlfriends. The are so likable and tend to do really well in social networking.
However, they will bare their fangs at the slightest monetary dispute, and project how pathetic their lives are, among all other factors. At times, they will disappear unknowingly for a indefinite period of time and then only to surface when they need help, clearly forgetting that they had broken all the rules of engagement prior.
Haven't these people any shame or the slightest guilt? Not even an apology, redemption or whatsoever to patch or even mend the broken situation and yet they have the cheek to surface and request for assistance. I seriously doubt the thought of redemption even cross their "busy" minds. They would not even realise that they had actually treaded on an extremely fine line much less, being at fault.
I am utterly disgusted simply because they chose to bare their fangs only after numerous years of established and prudent relationship. Why not the beginning I wondered...and yet the answers will always remain a mystery.
I was pissed initially but in the end, I still choose to go the extra mile to help them hoping that they will realise the vulnerable fraternity. I deliberately left my name behind to see if my efforts were appreciated. Well, I know my answers will come in a matter of time, if not, there...such an illutionary facade will probably be better off without as I really find it extremely tiring and uncomfortable to keep up.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
General hypothesis of people and their actions
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
The general consensus between 2 person or more, in the abscence of constraints like blood ties and hereditary factors versus their actions can be attributed or represented by a simple normal distribution graph with a mean of 0 and a variance of 1. While the Y axis represent the extreme exponential (capped) tolerence of the extent a normal person will sacrifice his / her actions for another person, reflected by a positive relationship on the right side of the mean, and a negative relationship on the left side of the mean. The correlation between the 2 variables on the X and Y axis respectively can therefore be interpreted as the general relationship of people and the extent to which they would react, sacrifice or choice of action to take with direct reference to the Y variable to either assist, or to benefit both positively and negatively.
This relationship is best illustrated by the following example. 2 person with a relationship of a max variance of 1, either friends, acquaintances, or intimately linked, and the extent to which they will commit and accomplish a request, not necessary amounting to a demand, from the other party. Accordingly to the graph, the trigger to measure the correlation is not the actual relationship between the 2 person but rather the extenxt that they will go to determine the correlation. In short, it's not the mental proximity of 2 person that determines to what extent they would sacrifice themselves for the other person. but rather the other way round.
The choices that one make, the sacrifices and the commitment will be the most influential factor to determine how much this person weighs the relationship with the other person.
This is also a probable indicator although not actually proven or disproven, to test who your actual friends are. I have apparently come up with this hypothesis after allocating and then from subsequent observation from how people who you call friends can cook up with a relatively indepth excuses to cover themselves for not being able to complete a simple task that was previously assigned to them. Despite the fact that these people will actually affirm their competency and will remind you numerous times that they will get the task done. That's because they simply knew at that instance that I would be of great use to them sometime in the future which literally implies that the equilibrium of the general consensus between 2 people was already skewed from that instance. While I clearly assigned a task based purely on trust and respect for this person to get it done, it is clear that no one else gets it simply because of the paramount importance I put on both the task and to the person assigned.
It's only when the other person realised that he or she have alternative options to get what he / she wants and I have simply slipped down on the priority scale, that's when I realised that the relationship held with this person have to be reviewed since I knew the task that I have assigned have slip to the tail end of the distribution graph. This implies that I no longer should be bothered with any negligible relationship with this person since a simple task to be done can generate so much outcomes which none of them would be dispersed anywhere near the mean of the graph.
On the other hand, there are some people, when assigned simple tasks, generate intense and irratic results which is dispersed around the mean. This simply implies that the extent to which these people will take to accomplish a task given, clearly indicates that they do weigh the correlation between 2 people significantly. These people will always seem bland and will not actually impress but the results they generate are usually astonishing.
The above observation and test results have allowed me to compose a renew and clearer understanding of which friends to keep, and to what extent I would go for them.
As for the rest who are so good at cooking up excuses, go fuck yourself.
The general consensus between 2 person or more, in the abscence of constraints like blood ties and hereditary factors versus their actions can be attributed or represented by a simple normal distribution graph with a mean of 0 and a variance of 1. While the Y axis represent the extreme exponential (capped) tolerence of the extent a normal person will sacrifice his / her actions for another person, reflected by a positive relationship on the right side of the mean, and a negative relationship on the left side of the mean. The correlation between the 2 variables on the X and Y axis respectively can therefore be interpreted as the general relationship of people and the extent to which they would react, sacrifice or choice of action to take with direct reference to the Y variable to either assist, or to benefit both positively and negatively.
This relationship is best illustrated by the following example. 2 person with a relationship of a max variance of 1, either friends, acquaintances, or intimately linked, and the extent to which they will commit and accomplish a request, not necessary amounting to a demand, from the other party. Accordingly to the graph, the trigger to measure the correlation is not the actual relationship between the 2 person but rather the extenxt that they will go to determine the correlation. In short, it's not the mental proximity of 2 person that determines to what extent they would sacrifice themselves for the other person. but rather the other way round.
The choices that one make, the sacrifices and the commitment will be the most influential factor to determine how much this person weighs the relationship with the other person.
This is also a probable indicator although not actually proven or disproven, to test who your actual friends are. I have apparently come up with this hypothesis after allocating and then from subsequent observation from how people who you call friends can cook up with a relatively indepth excuses to cover themselves for not being able to complete a simple task that was previously assigned to them. Despite the fact that these people will actually affirm their competency and will remind you numerous times that they will get the task done. That's because they simply knew at that instance that I would be of great use to them sometime in the future which literally implies that the equilibrium of the general consensus between 2 people was already skewed from that instance. While I clearly assigned a task based purely on trust and respect for this person to get it done, it is clear that no one else gets it simply because of the paramount importance I put on both the task and to the person assigned.
It's only when the other person realised that he or she have alternative options to get what he / she wants and I have simply slipped down on the priority scale, that's when I realised that the relationship held with this person have to be reviewed since I knew the task that I have assigned have slip to the tail end of the distribution graph. This implies that I no longer should be bothered with any negligible relationship with this person since a simple task to be done can generate so much outcomes which none of them would be dispersed anywhere near the mean of the graph.
On the other hand, there are some people, when assigned simple tasks, generate intense and irratic results which is dispersed around the mean. This simply implies that the extent to which these people will take to accomplish a task given, clearly indicates that they do weigh the correlation between 2 people significantly. These people will always seem bland and will not actually impress but the results they generate are usually astonishing.
The above observation and test results have allowed me to compose a renew and clearer understanding of which friends to keep, and to what extent I would go for them.
As for the rest who are so good at cooking up excuses, go fuck yourself.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Lost in dreams
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It seems like I have got what I wanted...my dream to be in Japan after working my ass off for so long since the day I decided to pursue it and not let anything or anyone stop me. It started out with a neutral cause, no evil intentions or good reflections, just a plain simple cause to leave a depressing place of sorrows to a new place, a new start and a new beginning of a new book of my life, closing the old book with the last of the chapters dedicated to spiritual healing of the mind and soul.
Indeed, I have come a long way from where it all started and I have witnessed and experience events that may have eventually altered my destiny. But the past, it had always haunted me and no matter how hard I tried, I could never break free from the chains shackled to my ankles, the chains of despair, angst and hate. So along this ardous path to seek my destiny, people along the way which I have come into contact with, some vanished and leave the slightest trail while a handful few, leave a permanant mark, forever etched into my soul, following me till the end. I have burn and I have hurt, but it`s the only way to protect my soul and it seems that only one, outta of the many could see this and gladly sacrifice for my cause. This is noble but naive as well, but the promises made before and the choices made after have put me to shame and guilt and at times regret my actions. These series of events would have significance impact on my decisions and ultimately, alter my destiny.
Gripping by a complex network of unsorted and unsolicited informations flowing thru my head, I couldn`t help but execise restrain and also refrain from bereaking down, so more often than usual, I would inject nicotine and alcohol into my bloodstream just to temporary stabilise my mental equilibrium. But soon, the heavily skewed past clearly outweighs the future and so I knew I had to set my priorities right, like not losing track of where I had first started and also to reach my dreams at all cause.
And so despite a lot of essential influences, I stood by my dreams and so that sort of explains why the hell I am in Japan now. The truth is that I really liked it here and maybe it`s only the beginning but I am sute I would love every second of it for a long time to come. Let`s just say that I was indeed overwhelmed with enthusiasm even before I come to Japan and I was so fucking sure it would not died out...yeah, the ever growing appeal that Japan has to offer. Well for me, being in this new place is really a blessing since I badly wanted a new place to start my life. Not having people who have known me for so long to judge me or to put up with my nonsensical blatant and rude behavior, abide to my biddings and unruly snobbish ideas and also to leave behind my disgusted, despised and angst-ridden life.
Well since I know myself too well than anyone else, I know it would be hard to change my rowdy ways, but I will definitely restrain from getting into silly stints to get deported back to Singapore which I was born and bred and which I upmostly detest. Not that I detest the country in general, but it`s the people and the attitude that I hate...I leave it to your imagination. Simply to put it bluntly, I do not want to die and then reincarnate to lead a new life, that`s all too troublesome so I chose the easier road to redemption, at least for my own redemption which I would only have to answer to my own actions. Fuck the rest and what they think, I am selfish and I am ass so let me be the way I am...too bad `cos the "others" should just mind their own business. Bloody fuckers...imposing on others and leeching information to propagate...FUCK you assholes.
Alrite, getting too carried away there. Japan seems to be the only one place that I want to be in and living despite a lot of controversies surrounding it. Heck the rest, for most are just putting me down since they can`t be here and I seriouslly doubt if they really had my interest at heart...BULLSHIT, they are just jealous they can`t do it so they want to discourage my by fanning false justifications. Well once again, too bad for I am here in Japan living fantastically as the job is everyones` ideal job, pretty good pay with exceptional slack working hours and those idiots are still living in the shit hell hole and slogging their sorry asses off.
But somehow it`s surprising that now that I am here for close to 2 months, I seem to have hit a dead end...No no dun get me wrong for I am still loving every second of it but I kinda needed a new boost of exitement which I am still seeking, maybe a hot Japanese chick would do the trick but I really doubt it...I can`t seem to mould or visualise this weird ever changing form of mass that is messing with my sanity. It`s a feeling that you feel that something is missing in your life and yet you couldn`t find what is that exact thing that you are searching after fitting in possible candidates from your all time wishlist. Hot Japanese girlfriends, money, cars, toys, ice hockey, sex, cigarettes, booze, porn, dogs, etc... I have tried fitting almost all of the possible options to make sense of the weird shape but in avail. Sub-consciously I feek that I am getting pretty close to solving the mystery but reality just distant me from the truth.
Not to worry too much but these days, I just let the random relapse pass and not really putting in much effort to make sense of it. I have much more important matters to attend to...like sleep, play around with my sweet MacBook, my car, etc...
In summary, I guessed I have fulfiled a part of my many insane dreams which many would have thought that it`s impossible as all they ever do is contemplate and whine. Unlike me, I knew I was gonna to dream and yet live my dreams so after years of planning and working my ass off for it, I get there. So if you want to dream, better make sure you live if, otherwise why bother. Well, literally I was inspired significantly by the Guiness ad that ran on TV for a while featuring Adam King with the taglines, "If someone gotta do it, why not let it be you" and those phrases accompanied with my own, "If not here, where? If not now, when? and if not you then who?" principles, I must admit I have a little, yeah just a little achievement for the record.
And so lastly, I am still constantly dreaming about many other things only to be too intensely drawn into it and then find myself lost somewhere.
Adios...
It seems like I have got what I wanted...my dream to be in Japan after working my ass off for so long since the day I decided to pursue it and not let anything or anyone stop me. It started out with a neutral cause, no evil intentions or good reflections, just a plain simple cause to leave a depressing place of sorrows to a new place, a new start and a new beginning of a new book of my life, closing the old book with the last of the chapters dedicated to spiritual healing of the mind and soul.
Indeed, I have come a long way from where it all started and I have witnessed and experience events that may have eventually altered my destiny. But the past, it had always haunted me and no matter how hard I tried, I could never break free from the chains shackled to my ankles, the chains of despair, angst and hate. So along this ardous path to seek my destiny, people along the way which I have come into contact with, some vanished and leave the slightest trail while a handful few, leave a permanant mark, forever etched into my soul, following me till the end. I have burn and I have hurt, but it`s the only way to protect my soul and it seems that only one, outta of the many could see this and gladly sacrifice for my cause. This is noble but naive as well, but the promises made before and the choices made after have put me to shame and guilt and at times regret my actions. These series of events would have significance impact on my decisions and ultimately, alter my destiny.
Gripping by a complex network of unsorted and unsolicited informations flowing thru my head, I couldn`t help but execise restrain and also refrain from bereaking down, so more often than usual, I would inject nicotine and alcohol into my bloodstream just to temporary stabilise my mental equilibrium. But soon, the heavily skewed past clearly outweighs the future and so I knew I had to set my priorities right, like not losing track of where I had first started and also to reach my dreams at all cause.
And so despite a lot of essential influences, I stood by my dreams and so that sort of explains why the hell I am in Japan now. The truth is that I really liked it here and maybe it`s only the beginning but I am sute I would love every second of it for a long time to come. Let`s just say that I was indeed overwhelmed with enthusiasm even before I come to Japan and I was so fucking sure it would not died out...yeah, the ever growing appeal that Japan has to offer. Well for me, being in this new place is really a blessing since I badly wanted a new place to start my life. Not having people who have known me for so long to judge me or to put up with my nonsensical blatant and rude behavior, abide to my biddings and unruly snobbish ideas and also to leave behind my disgusted, despised and angst-ridden life.
Well since I know myself too well than anyone else, I know it would be hard to change my rowdy ways, but I will definitely restrain from getting into silly stints to get deported back to Singapore which I was born and bred and which I upmostly detest. Not that I detest the country in general, but it`s the people and the attitude that I hate...I leave it to your imagination. Simply to put it bluntly, I do not want to die and then reincarnate to lead a new life, that`s all too troublesome so I chose the easier road to redemption, at least for my own redemption which I would only have to answer to my own actions. Fuck the rest and what they think, I am selfish and I am ass so let me be the way I am...too bad `cos the "others" should just mind their own business. Bloody fuckers...imposing on others and leeching information to propagate...FUCK you assholes.
Alrite, getting too carried away there. Japan seems to be the only one place that I want to be in and living despite a lot of controversies surrounding it. Heck the rest, for most are just putting me down since they can`t be here and I seriouslly doubt if they really had my interest at heart...BULLSHIT, they are just jealous they can`t do it so they want to discourage my by fanning false justifications. Well once again, too bad for I am here in Japan living fantastically as the job is everyones` ideal job, pretty good pay with exceptional slack working hours and those idiots are still living in the shit hell hole and slogging their sorry asses off.
But somehow it`s surprising that now that I am here for close to 2 months, I seem to have hit a dead end...No no dun get me wrong for I am still loving every second of it but I kinda needed a new boost of exitement which I am still seeking, maybe a hot Japanese chick would do the trick but I really doubt it...I can`t seem to mould or visualise this weird ever changing form of mass that is messing with my sanity. It`s a feeling that you feel that something is missing in your life and yet you couldn`t find what is that exact thing that you are searching after fitting in possible candidates from your all time wishlist. Hot Japanese girlfriends, money, cars, toys, ice hockey, sex, cigarettes, booze, porn, dogs, etc... I have tried fitting almost all of the possible options to make sense of the weird shape but in avail. Sub-consciously I feek that I am getting pretty close to solving the mystery but reality just distant me from the truth.
Not to worry too much but these days, I just let the random relapse pass and not really putting in much effort to make sense of it. I have much more important matters to attend to...like sleep, play around with my sweet MacBook, my car, etc...
In summary, I guessed I have fulfiled a part of my many insane dreams which many would have thought that it`s impossible as all they ever do is contemplate and whine. Unlike me, I knew I was gonna to dream and yet live my dreams so after years of planning and working my ass off for it, I get there. So if you want to dream, better make sure you live if, otherwise why bother. Well, literally I was inspired significantly by the Guiness ad that ran on TV for a while featuring Adam King with the taglines, "If someone gotta do it, why not let it be you" and those phrases accompanied with my own, "If not here, where? If not now, when? and if not you then who?" principles, I must admit I have a little, yeah just a little achievement for the record.
And so lastly, I am still constantly dreaming about many other things only to be too intensely drawn into it and then find myself lost somewhere.
Adios...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tolerence
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It may be true that I have actually fulfilled a part of my dreams but then again sometimes, negative aura will embrace me wherever I go. Maybe I am just used to being an asshole and so shits just unload themselves on me like it`s a norm. Fortune telling stuffs which I have absolutely no faith in, much less believe in their nonsense seems to tell me I will have ample cash, which is BULLSHIT I say. The crash that I had a little while ago, left me with superfacial grazes but the amount that I am paying for repairs are FUCKING insane.
Yep no doubt it`s my fault but paying that kinda of unjustified money is just not right. I am simply burning away heaps of money even before I get them. FUCKING liability and FUCKING unlucky...FUCKING BASTARDS!
My faith and my obsession are still holding on fine despite all these recent incidents to bring me down and so once again, my tolerence are undefined. No limits to set so no limits to break.
Eventhough while all these crazy shits are spilling all over the place, along comes an ASSHOLE waiting to get his retard FUCK FACE reconstructed. No don`t get me wrong here but I am not the only one against him...my Boss hates him and not to mention previous AETs therefore clearing tagging FUCK FACE as a public enemy.
Not only did Mr. FUCK FACE slander me with unfounded blasphemy, he stabbed me in the back repeatedly while putting on a false front. Well I do have a rather prestige admiration for Japanese in general, Mr. FUCK FACE here just landed his sorry ass into my Death Note (pun intended).
Damn life ain`t as smooth sailing as it seems but...I will pull through.
It may be true that I have actually fulfilled a part of my dreams but then again sometimes, negative aura will embrace me wherever I go. Maybe I am just used to being an asshole and so shits just unload themselves on me like it`s a norm. Fortune telling stuffs which I have absolutely no faith in, much less believe in their nonsense seems to tell me I will have ample cash, which is BULLSHIT I say. The crash that I had a little while ago, left me with superfacial grazes but the amount that I am paying for repairs are FUCKING insane.
Yep no doubt it`s my fault but paying that kinda of unjustified money is just not right. I am simply burning away heaps of money even before I get them. FUCKING liability and FUCKING unlucky...FUCKING BASTARDS!
My faith and my obsession are still holding on fine despite all these recent incidents to bring me down and so once again, my tolerence are undefined. No limits to set so no limits to break.
Eventhough while all these crazy shits are spilling all over the place, along comes an ASSHOLE waiting to get his retard FUCK FACE reconstructed. No don`t get me wrong here but I am not the only one against him...my Boss hates him and not to mention previous AETs therefore clearing tagging FUCK FACE as a public enemy.
Not only did Mr. FUCK FACE slander me with unfounded blasphemy, he stabbed me in the back repeatedly while putting on a false front. Well I do have a rather prestige admiration for Japanese in general, Mr. FUCK FACE here just landed his sorry ass into my Death Note (pun intended).
Damn life ain`t as smooth sailing as it seems but...I will pull through.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Dissection
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Well today, I taught the students in my school in the abscence of another teacher...which is pretty fun. However in the midst of the day, I realised how much the students had actually loved my prescence in the school and regained all the lost popularity. They looked up to me, greet me with so much enthusiasm and most were just eager to smile and wave frantically at me. So this is where all the weird hormones start to disintegrate and my sanity slowly disappearing.
I thought to myself...back then it all started with one, yes JUST one reason, to leave for a place and start a new beginning where no one is there to judge me or know about my past. So here I am right here right now in my presumed "sacred" and "untainted" sanctum...where everyone look upon me as being God-sent, and everything that they ever wanted was or wished was persent in me, people complimented on my looks. intellengence, capabilities, etc and overlook all the flaws...I am just concerned that all these uncanny limelight status that I am getting here in a remote village famous for rice will never be present in Singapore and will never befall on me when I am in Singapore...not in a million light years.
Most folks here are so down to earth, no fence surrounding the schools, no need to lock up houses when you go out...yes the people here are so cohesive and yet most accomodating to foreigners, humbly welcoming them in open arms. It's truly amazing...and definitely not possible in big cities. Seeing these folks and the ever sweet students makes me wanna stay here for a long time, escaping the much dreaded city life and constant paper chase. Money and luxury or a life here, well the answer is pretty obvious...
Somehow all these beautiful occurences around me is making me a little weary as all good things will come to an end is a philosophy that I lead my carefree life with. So pondering this much untainted place that I have seek from the start, I am afraid of history repeating itself here...and that will my past come back to haunt me smashing my much beautiful dream here. No I really dun want any of that happening here...no I really dun want my beautiful dreams that have kept me alive for so long to be ruin....no way. I want to continue to believe that this IS the place to be, to start my life new, to leave behind all the filth that have rooted in me. So once again battling the sweet innocent calm before the storm, and the aftermath that the storm is about to bring, I really dun know what to do...
Will I still be living in my little sweet dream utopia shielded by my own imaginary bubble or will the time comes where I can not harness my concentration anymore and letting the bubble burst...only to crumble and succumb to detest, angst and hatred, once again seeking a new land, a new place to conquer, then plunder and torch everything...*sigh* Well life's a journey so the story will only be told along the way, not now, but in the future...
So while the never ending conflicts of my cognition rages on, a little consolation today help ease me up a little...while I headed to a supermart near my place to grab some croquettes for my dinner, the cashier checked me out...which is pretty cool and I felt good...well she's the kinda girl that's average but the type that most guy's parents would love and adore when they meet her...Yep she totally check me out...stealing glances at me...haha
Yeah I did blasted most of my much deserved cash thatI brought here on the camera, just to save a hundred SG dollars on the train tickets, now I am literally skiving on cash spent on everything, meals especially. Darn, so a little trip to the supermart, a couple of croquettes that's less than ¥200 and some rice with curry sauce or some seasoning would settle my dinner. See cos I have to save up for a winter jacket, warm clothes, and a hell lotsa other stuffs in the next couple of months...and NOPE i am definitely not and probably never will regret that I bought the camera...I LOVE MY CAMERA, which is getting the same amount of affection as my MACBOOK...*smooch* I love the both of them...
Well today, I taught the students in my school in the abscence of another teacher...which is pretty fun. However in the midst of the day, I realised how much the students had actually loved my prescence in the school and regained all the lost popularity. They looked up to me, greet me with so much enthusiasm and most were just eager to smile and wave frantically at me. So this is where all the weird hormones start to disintegrate and my sanity slowly disappearing.
I thought to myself...back then it all started with one, yes JUST one reason, to leave for a place and start a new beginning where no one is there to judge me or know about my past. So here I am right here right now in my presumed "sacred" and "untainted" sanctum...where everyone look upon me as being God-sent, and everything that they ever wanted was or wished was persent in me, people complimented on my looks. intellengence, capabilities, etc and overlook all the flaws...I am just concerned that all these uncanny limelight status that I am getting here in a remote village famous for rice will never be present in Singapore and will never befall on me when I am in Singapore...not in a million light years.
Most folks here are so down to earth, no fence surrounding the schools, no need to lock up houses when you go out...yes the people here are so cohesive and yet most accomodating to foreigners, humbly welcoming them in open arms. It's truly amazing...and definitely not possible in big cities. Seeing these folks and the ever sweet students makes me wanna stay here for a long time, escaping the much dreaded city life and constant paper chase. Money and luxury or a life here, well the answer is pretty obvious...
Somehow all these beautiful occurences around me is making me a little weary as all good things will come to an end is a philosophy that I lead my carefree life with. So pondering this much untainted place that I have seek from the start, I am afraid of history repeating itself here...and that will my past come back to haunt me smashing my much beautiful dream here. No I really dun want any of that happening here...no I really dun want my beautiful dreams that have kept me alive for so long to be ruin....no way. I want to continue to believe that this IS the place to be, to start my life new, to leave behind all the filth that have rooted in me. So once again battling the sweet innocent calm before the storm, and the aftermath that the storm is about to bring, I really dun know what to do...
Will I still be living in my little sweet dream utopia shielded by my own imaginary bubble or will the time comes where I can not harness my concentration anymore and letting the bubble burst...only to crumble and succumb to detest, angst and hatred, once again seeking a new land, a new place to conquer, then plunder and torch everything...*sigh* Well life's a journey so the story will only be told along the way, not now, but in the future...
So while the never ending conflicts of my cognition rages on, a little consolation today help ease me up a little...while I headed to a supermart near my place to grab some croquettes for my dinner, the cashier checked me out...which is pretty cool and I felt good...well she's the kinda girl that's average but the type that most guy's parents would love and adore when they meet her...Yep she totally check me out...stealing glances at me...haha
Yeah I did blasted most of my much deserved cash thatI brought here on the camera, just to save a hundred SG dollars on the train tickets, now I am literally skiving on cash spent on everything, meals especially. Darn, so a little trip to the supermart, a couple of croquettes that's less than ¥200 and some rice with curry sauce or some seasoning would settle my dinner. See cos I have to save up for a winter jacket, warm clothes, and a hell lotsa other stuffs in the next couple of months...and NOPE i am definitely not and probably never will regret that I bought the camera...I LOVE MY CAMERA, which is getting the same amount of affection as my MACBOOK...*smooch* I love the both of them...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Derek Ho Si Qiu...see you again in God`s Sanctuary
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
It`s weird...really really weird...like a sign, or pure coincidence...I really dont noe. Went online today while I am in school...checked my hotmail add and found out that Junrong had left me a comment in Friendster. Went to check friendster and while waiting for it to load, read some news off Channel News Asia site...didnt really go into the details except that someone had died in a marathon event. And so when the friendster page fully loaded, I saw "New Messeges" and I happily clicked it.
The contents of the messege was from Cindy, one of my poly mate...and she wrote Derek have left us this morning. So immediately I "Alt Tab" the keys to switch back to the news page and there was his name, Ho Si Qiu.
Derek was the name he was known to us and he was a fellow poly mate from the next class. Though I do not know indepth about him, still he was someone that I had went out with, dine in school and crash at parties with. Jesus...I uttered to myself as Derek was the second guy from that class to pass on. The first was Wei Liang who left abruptly due to a bike accident some years back and now Derek, whose sudden departure was totally uncalled for. He didnt smoke and I do not remmeber him living off alcohol and he`s definitely not a junkie. He was pretty healthy and fit...and smart too. So still today, I wonder why does God have to summon those talented and young people to his sacred santuary so often...I really have absolutely no idea and I will probably never be able to get my answer in this lifetime.
Go in peace but remember Derek, you will never fade away and till we see each other again in God`s santuary. Yeo I know it`s sucky to have people whom I have not met in a while leaving one after another...where people who should have been taken off and have no reason be even given life to walk on Earth are still roaming around, committing henious and unforgivable crimes.
Where the hell is justice and fairness where they fatous legacy are nothing more than mere words...
Good people die young and that phrase seems to have a deeper implication that just simple words.
I cannot explain and express the amount of condolences that I have for all those love ones around Derek but to say to them, "Perhaps God really had better use for him up there and it`s never goodbye but rather till we meet again someday, somewhere..."
It`S funny how living people all around have always taken the things around them for granted and only when they lose it, then they learn how to treasure it. To all my friends going to Derek`s wake, God bless and so sorry I cant be there to send him off his final journey...from the bottom of my heart, I am really happy that I still have those memories with Derek to accompany me till I meet him again.
See you again Derek...
It`s weird...really really weird...like a sign, or pure coincidence...I really dont noe. Went online today while I am in school...checked my hotmail add and found out that Junrong had left me a comment in Friendster. Went to check friendster and while waiting for it to load, read some news off Channel News Asia site...didnt really go into the details except that someone had died in a marathon event. And so when the friendster page fully loaded, I saw "New Messeges" and I happily clicked it.
The contents of the messege was from Cindy, one of my poly mate...and she wrote Derek have left us this morning. So immediately I "Alt Tab" the keys to switch back to the news page and there was his name, Ho Si Qiu.
Derek was the name he was known to us and he was a fellow poly mate from the next class. Though I do not know indepth about him, still he was someone that I had went out with, dine in school and crash at parties with. Jesus...I uttered to myself as Derek was the second guy from that class to pass on. The first was Wei Liang who left abruptly due to a bike accident some years back and now Derek, whose sudden departure was totally uncalled for. He didnt smoke and I do not remmeber him living off alcohol and he`s definitely not a junkie. He was pretty healthy and fit...and smart too. So still today, I wonder why does God have to summon those talented and young people to his sacred santuary so often...I really have absolutely no idea and I will probably never be able to get my answer in this lifetime.
Go in peace but remember Derek, you will never fade away and till we see each other again in God`s santuary. Yeo I know it`s sucky to have people whom I have not met in a while leaving one after another...where people who should have been taken off and have no reason be even given life to walk on Earth are still roaming around, committing henious and unforgivable crimes.
Where the hell is justice and fairness where they fatous legacy are nothing more than mere words...
Good people die young and that phrase seems to have a deeper implication that just simple words.
I cannot explain and express the amount of condolences that I have for all those love ones around Derek but to say to them, "Perhaps God really had better use for him up there and it`s never goodbye but rather till we meet again someday, somewhere..."
It`S funny how living people all around have always taken the things around them for granted and only when they lose it, then they learn how to treasure it. To all my friends going to Derek`s wake, God bless and so sorry I cant be there to send him off his final journey...from the bottom of my heart, I am really happy that I still have those memories with Derek to accompany me till I meet him again.
See you again Derek...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Cavern of Solitude
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
While I am settling in to fit into my new life here in Japan, my constant updates on the other blog seems to cater to only the joyful facade. Here once again, I can rest and spat the other side of me or rather the real side of me, untamed, untainted and raw.
Well seem like I am really living my dreams now since I had always wanted to come here. But now that I am here, a lot of emotional changes have been going...which have resulted in a cognitive shift. Somehow time and again, I eat the words that I spew before with so much confidence...but rite now I am lookng back at the things that I`ve always taken for granted and the pampered life that I have led. I was so confident back then that I would have absolutely no regrets or whatsoever...but...things are really different rite now.
No dun get me wrong...I am not regretting anything and I am definitely not questioning my own beliefs and actions...It`s just that I tend to find myself closer to what I really wanted in life and also look at things from a different angle and treasure everything around me. I am just thinking...all these distortions in my head is like my brain going through a rather detailed "defragmentation" to cleanse up the filth that have been accumulating in there all these years. But I guess I`d be alrite...
Being born a Singaporean, I live with my parents all these years and that meals and soiled clothes are always taken care of by my mum. Food is always ready and even if it`s not, within a vicinity of 1 km radius from my house, I have like more than 10 food joints. Well now that I am here in Japan, I really have to live off myself...I am still in the midst of figuring out how to do laundry, cook my meals and stuffs, which are literally things that I have seriously taken for granted. So being independent is the only way I can survive. As compared to my American counterpart, Grant, he`s probably much better off. Well that`s the thing...Singaporean are so pampered thy really do not know what it is to live aboard. Most are just too comfortable to give up and risk everything but others would probably never last more than 2 months.
For me, it`s probably due to me obsession with Japan and all the other stuffs that memerized me that is helping me do fine though. But then again if I had a chance to travel back in time, I`d still have chosen this path. Stepping out and see the world and experience a whole new horizon while giving up everything back home...it`s definitely worth it, every minute, every second of it. Ultimately it just boils down to adjustment and getting used to it. Since no one is born an adult and everyone starts from infancy, I am darn sure it`s just a matter of looking optimistic and make everyday a fun, new day with new lessons and experience.
Food here is Japan is not an issue especially since I LOVE Japanese food. They have lotsa readily available food joints around. Other than the normal convenient stores that litter the city, take away Bentos and other stuffs are easily available. But the thing is that the new place that I will be going to...it`s way up into the woods and I have to travel on my little motorbike for at least 10 minutes at 30km per hour just to get to the main street where the food and convenient stores are.
Well, I really wished I had someone I knew from Singapore to share this whole new experience with me and carve out a niche here in Japan but unfortunately, there is none who is willing to hold on to their dreams and not stop till they reached it. Many of my dear friends have just too many reasons to hold them back but ultimately it`s their decisions and their life. I too have reasons to hold me back but I really didn`t want to give up my dreams for anything, anyone.
Feel so much better pouring out all these thoughts...
Fret not, I shall not neglect this little space where I ripped open my skin and show my real soul.
See you around...
While I am settling in to fit into my new life here in Japan, my constant updates on the other blog seems to cater to only the joyful facade. Here once again, I can rest and spat the other side of me or rather the real side of me, untamed, untainted and raw.
Well seem like I am really living my dreams now since I had always wanted to come here. But now that I am here, a lot of emotional changes have been going...which have resulted in a cognitive shift. Somehow time and again, I eat the words that I spew before with so much confidence...but rite now I am lookng back at the things that I`ve always taken for granted and the pampered life that I have led. I was so confident back then that I would have absolutely no regrets or whatsoever...but...things are really different rite now.
No dun get me wrong...I am not regretting anything and I am definitely not questioning my own beliefs and actions...It`s just that I tend to find myself closer to what I really wanted in life and also look at things from a different angle and treasure everything around me. I am just thinking...all these distortions in my head is like my brain going through a rather detailed "defragmentation" to cleanse up the filth that have been accumulating in there all these years. But I guess I`d be alrite...
Being born a Singaporean, I live with my parents all these years and that meals and soiled clothes are always taken care of by my mum. Food is always ready and even if it`s not, within a vicinity of 1 km radius from my house, I have like more than 10 food joints. Well now that I am here in Japan, I really have to live off myself...I am still in the midst of figuring out how to do laundry, cook my meals and stuffs, which are literally things that I have seriously taken for granted. So being independent is the only way I can survive. As compared to my American counterpart, Grant, he`s probably much better off. Well that`s the thing...Singaporean are so pampered thy really do not know what it is to live aboard. Most are just too comfortable to give up and risk everything but others would probably never last more than 2 months.
For me, it`s probably due to me obsession with Japan and all the other stuffs that memerized me that is helping me do fine though. But then again if I had a chance to travel back in time, I`d still have chosen this path. Stepping out and see the world and experience a whole new horizon while giving up everything back home...it`s definitely worth it, every minute, every second of it. Ultimately it just boils down to adjustment and getting used to it. Since no one is born an adult and everyone starts from infancy, I am darn sure it`s just a matter of looking optimistic and make everyday a fun, new day with new lessons and experience.
Food here is Japan is not an issue especially since I LOVE Japanese food. They have lotsa readily available food joints around. Other than the normal convenient stores that litter the city, take away Bentos and other stuffs are easily available. But the thing is that the new place that I will be going to...it`s way up into the woods and I have to travel on my little motorbike for at least 10 minutes at 30km per hour just to get to the main street where the food and convenient stores are.
Well, I really wished I had someone I knew from Singapore to share this whole new experience with me and carve out a niche here in Japan but unfortunately, there is none who is willing to hold on to their dreams and not stop till they reached it. Many of my dear friends have just too many reasons to hold them back but ultimately it`s their decisions and their life. I too have reasons to hold me back but I really didn`t want to give up my dreams for anything, anyone.
Feel so much better pouring out all these thoughts...
Fret not, I shall not neglect this little space where I ripped open my skin and show my real soul.
See you around...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
New Blog Site
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Hey peeps...I will start an Official Blog Site exclusive for my days in Japan. it's at http://dunstopdreaming.blogspot.com so do drop by there if you want any updates on me when I am in Japan. Well this site will still be around with my usual obnoxious rants about everything and anything, straight unfiltered.
So if you want a little smoothing on the eyes and mind, visit my other blog, incorporated purely for Japan Days.
Hey peeps...I will start an Official Blog Site exclusive for my days in Japan. it's at http://dunstopdreaming.blogspot.com so do drop by there if you want any updates on me when I am in Japan. Well this site will still be around with my usual obnoxious rants about everything and anything, straight unfiltered.
So if you want a little smoothing on the eyes and mind, visit my other blog, incorporated purely for Japan Days.
Friday, July 20, 2007
It's CONFIRMED!
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
As of 3.21pm, July 2007, I am going to JAPAN. my position there is CONFIRMED! I will be going there to work. It's a 1 year contract thingy but I'll probably be there for more than a year...well u people noe me. I am a sucker for Japan and this chance that GOD have given me implies that I have to fulfill my dream.
I am speechless now, overwhelmed with anxiety and totally clueless about this new direction that I am heading. Yeah it's was a dream all this while but now that it actually came true I am really lost.
Anyway I will probably try to update so that everyone's post on what's going on.
As of 3.21pm, July 2007, I am going to JAPAN. my position there is CONFIRMED! I will be going there to work. It's a 1 year contract thingy but I'll probably be there for more than a year...well u people noe me. I am a sucker for Japan and this chance that GOD have given me implies that I have to fulfill my dream.
I am speechless now, overwhelmed with anxiety and totally clueless about this new direction that I am heading. Yeah it's was a dream all this while but now that it actually came true I am really lost.
Anyway I will probably try to update so that everyone's post on what's going on.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Shed some light...some hope and some faith
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Aniticipation, luck and maybe faith...well since Momo's departure, my obsession with Japanese have developed into a final stage tumor. This desperation have driven me to surpass my own cerebral concentration that seeks to find the optimum remedy.
Sending out tons and tons of emails to various schools on the net to land myself a job in Japan. Gloom from the start but the goal was clear...so had a couple of replies but mostly were negative. And then got 2 positive ones and I got in touch with one of them. This one looks promising yet I am not putting my last dollar on it...always expect the unexpected. Had a conversation with someone via phone last week and she was pretty surprised at my accent and my command of the language. Found out that outta 100+ applicants who applied for the job, I was 1 of the 10 shortlisted candidates.
Well, she claimed she liked my attitude and stuffs and she said she would strongly recommend me...*wink* tat's a consolation I'd guess. So haven't got any reply from her since I wired her my university's result. Got pretty paranoid so sent her a email on Monday and well, was almost gonna call her today but she replied today with these excerpts,
"We are still thinking ALT final decision.
I recomend you very much, but just two Japanese teachers hope someone has English teaching experience over one year.
Can you wait for a littlebit more?
I am sure I can tell you the result soon.
How much can you understand Japanese?
And Do you think if you teach at both of the Junior high and elementary school, is it all right?
The elementary school which this ALT teacher goes, is resistered as a model English School this time.
So it is very important work.
Maybe I will ask you to call me again soon."
Now not to get all my hopes high, but that's simply a glimmer of hope to my otherwise "GTO" wannabe dreams. Ha..WHOOOOOOOOO...way to go!!!!
Another reason for being rather paranoid is that I have to confirm the airline tixs for my scheduled Japan Backpacking Tour (JPT) in Dec. Initially was gonna get everything settled with Jireh but he's back in Aussie. Since he's equally as earnest as me to visit "Paradise" Japan, I fell obligated to resolve all issues before he comes back here in Nov. Well, he's like really in to this tour thingy and I have to fail him not.
God's workings probably be weaving magic for me if all goes smooth. This morning was greeted by a heavy downpour which drenched my rain jacket, my pants and my bag. I have never felt better. SOAKED on the outside, yet warmth embraced my heart and my love for the rain's even more now. Was freezing my ass wrapped in drenched pants working from morning till noon and I say I haven't felt better in years. GOD I LOVE RAINY DAYS!
Seriously it's like the first time the rain soaked my rain jacket. Had a nice pair of Timberlands from Japan to keep my feet dry and the Carhartt jac to keep my shirts dry. Now it's just missing out on the pants part so would probably invest in a pair of Burton's snowboarding pants (Thighs warmers included!).
So here's the inconsistent rants...fun in the rain, pun in the sun!
Aniticipation, luck and maybe faith...well since Momo's departure, my obsession with Japanese have developed into a final stage tumor. This desperation have driven me to surpass my own cerebral concentration that seeks to find the optimum remedy.
Sending out tons and tons of emails to various schools on the net to land myself a job in Japan. Gloom from the start but the goal was clear...so had a couple of replies but mostly were negative. And then got 2 positive ones and I got in touch with one of them. This one looks promising yet I am not putting my last dollar on it...always expect the unexpected. Had a conversation with someone via phone last week and she was pretty surprised at my accent and my command of the language. Found out that outta 100+ applicants who applied for the job, I was 1 of the 10 shortlisted candidates.
Well, she claimed she liked my attitude and stuffs and she said she would strongly recommend me...*wink* tat's a consolation I'd guess. So haven't got any reply from her since I wired her my university's result. Got pretty paranoid so sent her a email on Monday and well, was almost gonna call her today but she replied today with these excerpts,
"We are still thinking ALT final decision.
I recomend you very much, but just two Japanese teachers hope someone has English teaching experience over one year.
Can you wait for a littlebit more?
I am sure I can tell you the result soon.
How much can you understand Japanese?
And Do you think if you teach at both of the Junior high and elementary school, is it all right?
The elementary school which this ALT teacher goes, is resistered as a model English School this time.
So it is very important work.
Maybe I will ask you to call me again soon."
Now not to get all my hopes high, but that's simply a glimmer of hope to my otherwise "GTO" wannabe dreams. Ha..WHOOOOOOOOO...way to go!!!!
Another reason for being rather paranoid is that I have to confirm the airline tixs for my scheduled Japan Backpacking Tour (JPT) in Dec. Initially was gonna get everything settled with Jireh but he's back in Aussie. Since he's equally as earnest as me to visit "Paradise" Japan, I fell obligated to resolve all issues before he comes back here in Nov. Well, he's like really in to this tour thingy and I have to fail him not.
God's workings probably be weaving magic for me if all goes smooth. This morning was greeted by a heavy downpour which drenched my rain jacket, my pants and my bag. I have never felt better. SOAKED on the outside, yet warmth embraced my heart and my love for the rain's even more now. Was freezing my ass wrapped in drenched pants working from morning till noon and I say I haven't felt better in years. GOD I LOVE RAINY DAYS!
Seriously it's like the first time the rain soaked my rain jacket. Had a nice pair of Timberlands from Japan to keep my feet dry and the Carhartt jac to keep my shirts dry. Now it's just missing out on the pants part so would probably invest in a pair of Burton's snowboarding pants (Thighs warmers included!).
So here's the inconsistent rants...fun in the rain, pun in the sun!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Songs and yes these voices of angels that seems to have miraculous effects, bringing tears, memories and joy. Right now happen to be grooving to songs that have splendid lyrics, fantastic tunes and meaningful stories. Not in the mood to spin too much but anyway here's the list:
1. Never let you go - Janice
2. Would you be there - Ken Chong
3. 变换装束 - Wax
3. Still - Crystal Kay
4. Goodbye days - Yui
5. Love is... - Miliyah Kato
6. Love Story - melody.
7. Because I'm a girl - Kiss
8. Don't cry - Naked
9. Goodbye - Janice
10. First Love - Utada Hikaru
11. Let me die - Nicholas Tse
Work is pretty boring these days as there is nothing much left to do in the office. Boss pops by once in a while since he's on leave and I'm still contemplating if I can get the job in Japan. Got selected amongst 100 entries to teach English in Japan. Was talking to Kakegawa San over the phone and she said something like they are not really looking for someone really experience but rather someone with positive and fun. Well she wanted me to fly to Japan for an interview but I told her I can't as I got a full time job here. Well I am not really sure if the conversation over that long distance call was worth it. I am just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that I'd get the job. Trust me...I am on one hell of a path, plotting and scheming with every nerve and cell in my still-functioning body to land my ass in Japan and work there. The obsession used to root into my central vertebrate complete overriding my cerebral senses. Now it's just a full fledge 3 stage tumor that can never be remove...it's as good as putting a bullet thru my head if the tumor is to be removed. I have chosen amongst all odds and options and it's this path...there is no wrong about it. Yeah it will be tough initially but what isn't...
Amongst all others that I might feel a little reluctant to forsake, my parents, my friends, and probably you Eve...who have stood by myside all these while without a slightest complain. Thank You...
That is IF.....and IF I do get the job. Can't really do much on this one as luck is definitely not within my control and perhaps God's will...
Songs and yes these voices of angels that seems to have miraculous effects, bringing tears, memories and joy. Right now happen to be grooving to songs that have splendid lyrics, fantastic tunes and meaningful stories. Not in the mood to spin too much but anyway here's the list:
1. Never let you go - Janice
2. Would you be there - Ken Chong
3. 变换装束 - Wax
3. Still - Crystal Kay
4. Goodbye days - Yui
5. Love is... - Miliyah Kato
6. Love Story - melody.
7. Because I'm a girl - Kiss
8. Don't cry - Naked
9. Goodbye - Janice
10. First Love - Utada Hikaru
11. Let me die - Nicholas Tse
Work is pretty boring these days as there is nothing much left to do in the office. Boss pops by once in a while since he's on leave and I'm still contemplating if I can get the job in Japan. Got selected amongst 100 entries to teach English in Japan. Was talking to Kakegawa San over the phone and she said something like they are not really looking for someone really experience but rather someone with positive and fun. Well she wanted me to fly to Japan for an interview but I told her I can't as I got a full time job here. Well I am not really sure if the conversation over that long distance call was worth it. I am just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that I'd get the job. Trust me...I am on one hell of a path, plotting and scheming with every nerve and cell in my still-functioning body to land my ass in Japan and work there. The obsession used to root into my central vertebrate complete overriding my cerebral senses. Now it's just a full fledge 3 stage tumor that can never be remove...it's as good as putting a bullet thru my head if the tumor is to be removed. I have chosen amongst all odds and options and it's this path...there is no wrong about it. Yeah it will be tough initially but what isn't...
Amongst all others that I might feel a little reluctant to forsake, my parents, my friends, and probably you Eve...who have stood by myside all these while without a slightest complain. Thank You...
That is IF.....and IF I do get the job. Can't really do much on this one as luck is definitely not within my control and perhaps God's will...
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Traffic Police New Toy - Unmarked Yamaha FJR1300
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Well this might be a little late but stumbling over someone's blog this morning had me scruffling to get these pics up...
Yep these mean menacing wolves are out on the prowl. Rumours has it that these are out there chewing on tails off any illegally-mod cars, bikes, etc. Other rumours claim that they will be used for VIP related stuffs. Well nothing have been confirmed so to err on the right side of the law and to salvage the limited wad of notes in out pockets, better be on the look out for these new TOYS.
FJR1300...means a FUCKING 1.3 litre engine bike and that's almost equivalent to a Hayabusa. Man...that's where the tax payers' money is going! To rake in more "innocent" money from us poor folks...Ha guess like the GST bonus package indeed have a "recurring" effect as year after year, those crucial couple of months before NDP is like mass genocide. Innocent folks get their hard-earned money "robbed" and back it goes to those up there.
These dangerous couple of months are like a insane bloodbath so the best way is to share the ride on a public trnasport. Unless money is not an issue, I probably would not want to risk my Japan Tour Funds for any other ridiculous reasons.
Well this might be a little late but stumbling over someone's blog this morning had me scruffling to get these pics up...
Yep these mean menacing wolves are out on the prowl. Rumours has it that these are out there chewing on tails off any illegally-mod cars, bikes, etc. Other rumours claim that they will be used for VIP related stuffs. Well nothing have been confirmed so to err on the right side of the law and to salvage the limited wad of notes in out pockets, better be on the look out for these new TOYS.
FJR1300...means a FUCKING 1.3 litre engine bike and that's almost equivalent to a Hayabusa. Man...that's where the tax payers' money is going! To rake in more "innocent" money from us poor folks...Ha guess like the GST bonus package indeed have a "recurring" effect as year after year, those crucial couple of months before NDP is like mass genocide. Innocent folks get their hard-earned money "robbed" and back it goes to those up there.
These dangerous couple of months are like a insane bloodbath so the best way is to share the ride on a public trnasport. Unless money is not an issue, I probably would not want to risk my Japan Tour Funds for any other ridiculous reasons.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Dust clouds my incompetent mind
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
In the past, well I would usually be courteous and give way to others, give up my seats to someone who needs it more than I do. That's alrite because I was happy, I had the world held up so real and so promising in front of me. I had actually believe that everything was going so smoothly and I was practically floating on a cushion of dreams that sort of "immunizes" me against anything negative.
Yesterday and today was a totally different reflection of my otherwise "complete" and positive outlook of life. I chose to stare rather than to smile and appreciate. In the trains, those who have worn frail with the hands of time hoping for a kind soul to offer a seat, I chose to stare them right in the eye with the slightest displeasure than to offer the seat. Even those with young infants in their hands, slogging thru the masses of bodies were not spared. I chose to simply stare them in the eyes showing disgust and sacarsm thru the exchanges of eye contact.
No I do not have a death wish sub consciously but rather, I wasn't motivated to do anything. I can't rationalize and evaluate the situations effectively. When a mere thought of offering my seat came to mind, it just move on and the next thing I know, I was staring into space and admiring the emptiness admist the crowd wondering what had just flashed across my mind. My reflexes and agility have greatly be incapacitated and yet I remain calm and my body remains stable.
Yesterday on the way home, the train suddenly halted just after leaving a station and people around me who were not holding on to something stable just crash and fall. I merely took one step to stabilize myself and I continued to groove to the music churning out from my PSP without the slightest interest in the cause of the sudden halt. Well, seems like everyone around me both inside and outside the train were all too concern with what's going on. Silly me stoned there like a rooted ancient tree still staring into emptiness. After the commotion was over, the masses attention turned to me...though I was enjoying the emptiness, I could sense the occasional glares from those around me as though I am some freak that spawn from undergound. Well, I was really too busy enjoying the silence to be bothered by them.
Still I have to say the lost of Momo have really cause a life-changing transitional road that I am treading now. I can't seem to find my existence and my goals, I can't seem to find myself and my soul. Still I life each day like it is and go to work as usual and simply blending into the crowd. But beneath this hollow shell of mine, I really am not sure what I have become. With her around, there was life to everything but the day she left, she took everything with her.
No I am definitely not suicidal and that never crossed my mind but regaining my composure and finding myself once again is an ardous journey. Well at least she's happy and I am not.
For now, I guessed I'd just have to believe myself and do what I deem fit. I shall let selfish and self centred cognition have complete control over my mind for even my really really close brother, yes he's my REAL brother, flying off this Thursday to Australia would see me skip the set off at the airport. Simply I gave the excuse that I don't like sad farewells to musk the real truth that I am simply not bothered with anything else except myself.
In the past, well I would usually be courteous and give way to others, give up my seats to someone who needs it more than I do. That's alrite because I was happy, I had the world held up so real and so promising in front of me. I had actually believe that everything was going so smoothly and I was practically floating on a cushion of dreams that sort of "immunizes" me against anything negative.
Yesterday and today was a totally different reflection of my otherwise "complete" and positive outlook of life. I chose to stare rather than to smile and appreciate. In the trains, those who have worn frail with the hands of time hoping for a kind soul to offer a seat, I chose to stare them right in the eye with the slightest displeasure than to offer the seat. Even those with young infants in their hands, slogging thru the masses of bodies were not spared. I chose to simply stare them in the eyes showing disgust and sacarsm thru the exchanges of eye contact.
No I do not have a death wish sub consciously but rather, I wasn't motivated to do anything. I can't rationalize and evaluate the situations effectively. When a mere thought of offering my seat came to mind, it just move on and the next thing I know, I was staring into space and admiring the emptiness admist the crowd wondering what had just flashed across my mind. My reflexes and agility have greatly be incapacitated and yet I remain calm and my body remains stable.
Yesterday on the way home, the train suddenly halted just after leaving a station and people around me who were not holding on to something stable just crash and fall. I merely took one step to stabilize myself and I continued to groove to the music churning out from my PSP without the slightest interest in the cause of the sudden halt. Well, seems like everyone around me both inside and outside the train were all too concern with what's going on. Silly me stoned there like a rooted ancient tree still staring into emptiness. After the commotion was over, the masses attention turned to me...though I was enjoying the emptiness, I could sense the occasional glares from those around me as though I am some freak that spawn from undergound. Well, I was really too busy enjoying the silence to be bothered by them.
Still I have to say the lost of Momo have really cause a life-changing transitional road that I am treading now. I can't seem to find my existence and my goals, I can't seem to find myself and my soul. Still I life each day like it is and go to work as usual and simply blending into the crowd. But beneath this hollow shell of mine, I really am not sure what I have become. With her around, there was life to everything but the day she left, she took everything with her.
No I am definitely not suicidal and that never crossed my mind but regaining my composure and finding myself once again is an ardous journey. Well at least she's happy and I am not.
For now, I guessed I'd just have to believe myself and do what I deem fit. I shall let selfish and self centred cognition have complete control over my mind for even my really really close brother, yes he's my REAL brother, flying off this Thursday to Australia would see me skip the set off at the airport. Simply I gave the excuse that I don't like sad farewells to musk the real truth that I am simply not bothered with anything else except myself.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Darkness sets in...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Seems like I am still struggling to get a grip on my life and each day, I am sinking deeper into a void darkness. Even my designs are twisted, warped and distorted to please my displaced and disturbed sanity. God, tell me what have I done to have so much hatred and angst to engulf me and deny salvation. I do not and will not seek forgiveness, instead, I'd guess I will just have to go forth and complete what I had initially set out to do.
I shall conscript this piece, "Rage against the dying flame"
Seems like I am still struggling to get a grip on my life and each day, I am sinking deeper into a void darkness. Even my designs are twisted, warped and distorted to please my displaced and disturbed sanity. God, tell me what have I done to have so much hatred and angst to engulf me and deny salvation. I do not and will not seek forgiveness, instead, I'd guess I will just have to go forth and complete what I had initially set out to do.
I shall conscript this piece, "Rage against the dying flame"
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Why slander me...you FUCKING SHITHOLE
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Couple of weeks ago, I had beaten everyone else at the Go Kart challenge organise by my company along with some other industry players. My Boss got his ass whipped real bad by me and after the whole incident, he was like praising me in front of the other industry players about how I held the company's reputation.
After that, my Boss, me and some of my colleagues took a cab ride to East Coast for dinner. Along the way, he was saying that the kart he got had problems with the brakes and I told him mine had NO FUCKING brakes. Well he simply tried to pull it off by saying that he had actually lost and did not want to blame the kart or anything. I had an impression that well he did have some sportsmanship after all.
I was so FUCKING WRONG. He turned out to be the slittery, devious FUCKING SHITHOLE that actually wanted me to put up some news online that I had actually cheated to win the race. I mean WHAT THE FUCK?! Admit it that you've lost and that's it...cos no matter how many times you pit a go kart against me, you'll still lose. I am really really irritated by how he held this grudge against me all this while. FUCK!
I had 8 years of street racing experience and him? Probably 2 years of controller wanking shits up his ass and fancy him pitting himself against me. Ha what a FUCKING joke! But it's really unimaginable for him, as a Boss to stoop so low to slander his own very employee just to uphold his ego. FUCK YOU SHIT HOLE...that ain't gonna happen. Well he put me in charge of the online issues so I can tweak the sentences to make it all justifiable. I am not amazingly smart but at least I cant just let some AUSTRALIAN shit hole tarnish my racing reputation.
FUCK OFF SHIT HOLE!
Couple of weeks ago, I had beaten everyone else at the Go Kart challenge organise by my company along with some other industry players. My Boss got his ass whipped real bad by me and after the whole incident, he was like praising me in front of the other industry players about how I held the company's reputation.
After that, my Boss, me and some of my colleagues took a cab ride to East Coast for dinner. Along the way, he was saying that the kart he got had problems with the brakes and I told him mine had NO FUCKING brakes. Well he simply tried to pull it off by saying that he had actually lost and did not want to blame the kart or anything. I had an impression that well he did have some sportsmanship after all.
I was so FUCKING WRONG. He turned out to be the slittery, devious FUCKING SHITHOLE that actually wanted me to put up some news online that I had actually cheated to win the race. I mean WHAT THE FUCK?! Admit it that you've lost and that's it...cos no matter how many times you pit a go kart against me, you'll still lose. I am really really irritated by how he held this grudge against me all this while. FUCK!
I had 8 years of street racing experience and him? Probably 2 years of controller wanking shits up his ass and fancy him pitting himself against me. Ha what a FUCKING joke! But it's really unimaginable for him, as a Boss to stoop so low to slander his own very employee just to uphold his ego. FUCK YOU SHIT HOLE...that ain't gonna happen. Well he put me in charge of the online issues so I can tweak the sentences to make it all justifiable. I am not amazingly smart but at least I cant just let some AUSTRALIAN shit hole tarnish my racing reputation.
FUCK OFF SHIT HOLE!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Regrets...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Since the day you left, I've been moving on rather fine I'd guess or is it me that is denying the fact that you've already left? I am really not sure...I do question myself time and again if I am really moving on. But at the end of the day, the only conclusion that I can draw is that I am just walking in your shadows, can't move out of it as when ever there is light, a shadow would be cast. Unless I can rid the prescence of light in my life, there is absolutely no way I can ever walk out of this labyrinth that you have inevitably trapped me.
I still think of you and all the memories we shared time and again as the wounds are less than a month old. But each time I would still smile when I see you so clearly in my mind. Well to tell you the truth, I reminded myself every nite before I rest that I can never stop till I reach the end. The proccess is not important but it's the results that matter. If it's not you that I can share my life with, I am darn sure it's someone else waiting for me to find her. It's just that I am only left with 2 or 3 years maximum to find her. While you were here, I had already cast aside the intention to seek another soul mate but since your departure, I had to start from scratch and for that I kinda felt a sense of unjust done to me. The burden is there once again...
Right now I have so many regrets awaiting redemption...love songs on the radio waves and lovers all around me disgust me each day as I can not enjoy such pleasures and sweetness in life. From that I begin to hate a lot of things around me, from people to things to life. Simply, I just put on a mask and joke and smile and fool around others only to have my heart telling me that I should remember my friends but I should NEVER EVER FORGET those that wreck my life. Probably will stare them in the eyes when I die...so that they will forever be instilled with fear, pricking their conscience where ever they may be.
With your departure, life's seems to be better for you as you have cleared a burden and it seems to me that you are the least affected by the break up. I am utterly disappointed simply because I was just wondering where and of what significance am I to you?
I put you as my No. 1
I life my life and breath to see you each day
I am willing to do almost anything within my limits for you
I am willing to share everything with you
I am willing to grow old together with you
I work hard just to fulfil our dreams
I think of you before I think of myself
I can fall out with the whole world for you
I made you the centre of my life
I look up to you as a savior and a saint
I adore and worship you
and I was just wondering where would you put me in your life?
You'd probably say that I did all these things out of my own accord and you absolutely played no part in it. That's simply your own selfish excuses to deny it.
Although it's partially true, still that;s just your selfish, self centred excuses to justtify your own cause.
Right now I may be regretting over your departure but someday I will show you that it's definitely your loss that you gave me up. I will do more that I did for you for someone else. And when that time comes, I would really want you to regret all that you have done, your decisions, you choices, your life...I just want you to regret everything and have that guilt tormenting you forever.
Since the day you left, I've been moving on rather fine I'd guess or is it me that is denying the fact that you've already left? I am really not sure...I do question myself time and again if I am really moving on. But at the end of the day, the only conclusion that I can draw is that I am just walking in your shadows, can't move out of it as when ever there is light, a shadow would be cast. Unless I can rid the prescence of light in my life, there is absolutely no way I can ever walk out of this labyrinth that you have inevitably trapped me.
I still think of you and all the memories we shared time and again as the wounds are less than a month old. But each time I would still smile when I see you so clearly in my mind. Well to tell you the truth, I reminded myself every nite before I rest that I can never stop till I reach the end. The proccess is not important but it's the results that matter. If it's not you that I can share my life with, I am darn sure it's someone else waiting for me to find her. It's just that I am only left with 2 or 3 years maximum to find her. While you were here, I had already cast aside the intention to seek another soul mate but since your departure, I had to start from scratch and for that I kinda felt a sense of unjust done to me. The burden is there once again...
Right now I have so many regrets awaiting redemption...love songs on the radio waves and lovers all around me disgust me each day as I can not enjoy such pleasures and sweetness in life. From that I begin to hate a lot of things around me, from people to things to life. Simply, I just put on a mask and joke and smile and fool around others only to have my heart telling me that I should remember my friends but I should NEVER EVER FORGET those that wreck my life. Probably will stare them in the eyes when I die...so that they will forever be instilled with fear, pricking their conscience where ever they may be.
With your departure, life's seems to be better for you as you have cleared a burden and it seems to me that you are the least affected by the break up. I am utterly disappointed simply because I was just wondering where and of what significance am I to you?
I put you as my No. 1
I life my life and breath to see you each day
I am willing to do almost anything within my limits for you
I am willing to share everything with you
I am willing to grow old together with you
I work hard just to fulfil our dreams
I think of you before I think of myself
I can fall out with the whole world for you
I made you the centre of my life
I look up to you as a savior and a saint
I adore and worship you
and I was just wondering where would you put me in your life?
You'd probably say that I did all these things out of my own accord and you absolutely played no part in it. That's simply your own selfish excuses to deny it.
Although it's partially true, still that;s just your selfish, self centred excuses to justtify your own cause.
Right now I may be regretting over your departure but someday I will show you that it's definitely your loss that you gave me up. I will do more that I did for you for someone else. And when that time comes, I would really want you to regret all that you have done, your decisions, you choices, your life...I just want you to regret everything and have that guilt tormenting you forever.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Once lovers and now strangers...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Yesterday, on my way home...was on board the west bound MRT. Didn't really bothered with what's going on around me as my bag was darn heavy. Loaded of like couple of boxes of games from the office. Felt like army days have gone to waste after idling all these while. Look more like a lost backpacker looking for directions.
Got a seat and rested the "commuter-killer" bag on my lap and PSPed away...until almost reaching Jurong station, I let my PSPed-Strained eyes wander around. Caught a tall girl look in my direction. She was my ex-GF. The one that broke my heart and left me to rot and die. It seems so strange but somehow the vivid memories came back. I felt like in a transitional dimension having lots of crossroads in front of me and I had to choose which direction to take. I smiled at her and nodded my head in an agreeable gesture and she did the same thing.
Once embracing each other so dearly leaving the world behind in reality. Doing so many crazy things for each other, missing each other so dearly and meeting 12 hours a day never seems enoungh. Every minute every second counts and vows, promises were made with such sweetness that will put others to shame. Hand in hand, dooing everything together and now, not even words are exchanged, just plain gestures to affirm each others' existence. From strangers to lovers and then back to strangers. All the memories, love and times shared seem to be nothing more than just vague, old and redundant history of yester years. Nothing more than a childish dream filled with empty promises.
Love works in such strange ways that most of the time, a beginning will inevitable spells the end which will cycle to a new beginning. It's all part of life and everyone will just have to go thru it if they seek love. But the thing is that lovers seems impossible to be close friends or even platonic friends when they break up. Tons of possibilities here...but what ever the case is, it seems to me that if you have a friend, as long as you do not step into a relationship with them, you will probably get a life long friend who would probably lay you a flower on your deathbed. If you should start a relationship, it's always sweet in the beginning but when the inevitable end should come, you'd probably lose a friend and wished that you'd not started the relationship in the beginning.
Yesterday, on my way home...was on board the west bound MRT. Didn't really bothered with what's going on around me as my bag was darn heavy. Loaded of like couple of boxes of games from the office. Felt like army days have gone to waste after idling all these while. Look more like a lost backpacker looking for directions.
Got a seat and rested the "commuter-killer" bag on my lap and PSPed away...until almost reaching Jurong station, I let my PSPed-Strained eyes wander around. Caught a tall girl look in my direction. She was my ex-GF. The one that broke my heart and left me to rot and die. It seems so strange but somehow the vivid memories came back. I felt like in a transitional dimension having lots of crossroads in front of me and I had to choose which direction to take. I smiled at her and nodded my head in an agreeable gesture and she did the same thing.
Once embracing each other so dearly leaving the world behind in reality. Doing so many crazy things for each other, missing each other so dearly and meeting 12 hours a day never seems enoungh. Every minute every second counts and vows, promises were made with such sweetness that will put others to shame. Hand in hand, dooing everything together and now, not even words are exchanged, just plain gestures to affirm each others' existence. From strangers to lovers and then back to strangers. All the memories, love and times shared seem to be nothing more than just vague, old and redundant history of yester years. Nothing more than a childish dream filled with empty promises.
Love works in such strange ways that most of the time, a beginning will inevitable spells the end which will cycle to a new beginning. It's all part of life and everyone will just have to go thru it if they seek love. But the thing is that lovers seems impossible to be close friends or even platonic friends when they break up. Tons of possibilities here...but what ever the case is, it seems to me that if you have a friend, as long as you do not step into a relationship with them, you will probably get a life long friend who would probably lay you a flower on your deathbed. If you should start a relationship, it's always sweet in the beginning but when the inevitable end should come, you'd probably lose a friend and wished that you'd not started the relationship in the beginning.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
My Eternal Angel
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
I remembered the day I held your hand
You smiled at me and
I knew this was where our story began
You brought me out of darkness
taught me to love and to forgive
You became my savior
my angel and my life
I begin to trust faith
and I begin to trust you
Thru the ups and the downs
Across oceans and over mountains
It's your love kept me warm and
our memories kept me alive
I go on waiting each and every day
to be reunited with you someday
I really regret not loving you more
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
Now that you've decided
to end our fairy tale
There is nothing I can do
And I know this was really the end
I will remember the day we parted
But I will never forget the day we started
A million years from now
I will still be thinking of you
My visions may go and
my hair will gray
But my memories will never fade
Cigarettes and alcohol are my friends
drowning me in sorrowful nites
I walk alone in empty streets
wondering what are you doing
how are you and if it's me you're thinking
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
Baby would you lay me a flower
and play my favourite song
Baby would you shed me a tear
and clean the dust on my photo
when I am sleeping in a wooden box
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
- My Eternal Angel -
I remembered the day I held your hand
You smiled at me and
I knew this was where our story began
You brought me out of darkness
taught me to love and to forgive
You became my savior
my angel and my life
I begin to trust faith
and I begin to trust you
Thru the ups and the downs
Across oceans and over mountains
It's your love kept me warm and
our memories kept me alive
I go on waiting each and every day
to be reunited with you someday
I really regret not loving you more
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
Now that you've decided
to end our fairy tale
There is nothing I can do
And I know this was really the end
I will remember the day we parted
But I will never forget the day we started
A million years from now
I will still be thinking of you
My visions may go and
my hair will gray
But my memories will never fade
Cigarettes and alcohol are my friends
drowning me in sorrowful nites
I walk alone in empty streets
wondering what are you doing
how are you and if it's me you're thinking
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
Baby would you lay me a flower
and play my favourite song
Baby would you shed me a tear
and clean the dust on my photo
when I am sleeping in a wooden box
Goodbye my eternal angel
for the time has come for us to part
Baby Can I still love you
when you have somebody
Can I still miss you
when you're thinking of somebody
Can I still remember you
when I feel lonely
And would you come to see me if I die
- My Eternal Angel -
A little consolation to tranquilize the mind
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Yesterday, my company had a Go-Kart challenge at Jurong along with one of my colleague, Chad Park, from Korea and 3 other staffs of the magazine, GameAxis and 1 other dude who is the official distributor of Nintendo in Singapore. Well the place was like in a pretty bad shape...and the tracks were small and WET! I was like FUCKED!
10 people total splited into 2 groups and the schedule were as follows, group A go for a 5 min warm up lap, then group B go for the 5 min warm up lap. The A go for a 5 min trial run and then B. The 5 fastest split times were recorded and these 5 racers go for the last 10 laps race where no assistance will be given if one should crash.
I let the "Pro" racers take group A and watch them pit against themselves. From there I observed the way they drive, accelerate, brake and the way they tackle corners. I hid myself among group B which consists mainly amatuers and noobz. I tried to test the acceleration, turning radius, braking power, handling of the kart. Along the way I observe the track, the corners and try to find the perfect driving line.
"Pro racers from Group A"
"I'll tell ya those boys don't mean nothing so go kick their sorry asses"
Crash out a couple of times while testing the potential of the kart in the warm up lap. Hit the dirt, over drifted and ate grasses. When the trial lap came, I was already trying hard to compromise drifting and maintaining the split time. However, I spent too much time enjoying the drift, I soon realise that that's not the fastest way to get around the corner on a kart. A little drift is fine for tight corners but that's about it. Soon I got used to the FULL accelerate and HARD braking before the corners and the FULL accelerate power out of corners was like the optimal driving line. I didn't really recorded the fastest split times and I tried to mask my driving technique when I was nearing the grand stand as I really didn't want others to judge my skills and besides I really didn't give my 110% on the trial laps.
"Group A races pitting it out"
"The second straight before the last bend"
Well, by this time, most of them have already had mud splats and grasses on their shirts and pants. I was the ONLY one that's clean, well maybe because I was too afraid to get my prize possessions like my shoes and pants soiled.
So since my timing was like the 4th fastest overall, watching how the others perform, I knew I had no way to beat them if they had a good run from the start. I wasn't saying that I had the best skillz there and not that I am playing humble, but the truth is that I could pass them if they crash out or if them made mistakes but I wasn't taking any chances. 3 karts in from of me on the starting grid, and Momo, my Japanese Gal left me on Monday. In my mind was angst, and rage and now I will focus and harness all of these elements to win. Losing was not an option. Life is transient and this would be the only chance to get a consolation outta it.
The marshal was giving a 5 second explaination on the grid and in my mind, that 5 sec seems like forever as I could clearly devise a plan and see it rationalize into reality. I needed a head start and the only way I could do it was to jam the brakes and yet accelerate till the point that the kart held stationary by the brakes and that the instance I release my brakes, the kart would lunge forward giving me a head start as everyone else would just floor the accelerator and their karts would just move off as usual.
I was FUCKING right, the moment the flag was raised, I was already overtaking 2 karts in front of me putting me in 2nd place and negotiating a gradual right bend behind my Boss. But due to the fact that I was travelling behind him and he was way too slow for my speed and I do not want to brake on the straights, I just overtook him and took the inner of the next right-angled right bend and there I was being in 1st place. I knew I had to hold on to my lead and yet extend the gap every lap and also not make any mistakes. That was the only way I would win and I ain't gonna let no mistakes or what-so-ever jeopardise it.
Was losing it during the 3rd or 4th lap when I actually over drifted on the tight hair pins. Thank God my lead was like 30 secs ahead of the second car so I actually had ample time to correct my mistakes. I totally free myself of any distractions after that and all that in my mind was the accelerated vision of my path to victory. I guess this is like the first official race I had without the constant fear of cops and that's the reason why I was making mistakes.
During the last couple of laps, I was actually trying to overtake my colleague who was a lap behind me. Damn he was an ASS blocking me in every possible chance to pass him. I tried going thru the water puddles, the grass benders and all other possible way, no luck. So I decided to play mind games with him and tailed him so close and yet not pass him...soon enuff, he totally screwed it and spun out. I twitched my wrists a little and whizz passed him on full throttle missing him by inches.
Held on to my lead all the way and pass the checked flag, did a "hand brake" turn in to the stop area, remove my helmet and waited for the rest to come.
A little consolation for that time but it didn't last long. The past came back and haunt me soon enuff. I can't walk outta of her shadows but I remembered the words that my Korean colleague tattooed on Monday, "Life goes on until death overtakes me"
Yesterday, my company had a Go-Kart challenge at Jurong along with one of my colleague, Chad Park, from Korea and 3 other staffs of the magazine, GameAxis and 1 other dude who is the official distributor of Nintendo in Singapore. Well the place was like in a pretty bad shape...and the tracks were small and WET! I was like FUCKED!
10 people total splited into 2 groups and the schedule were as follows, group A go for a 5 min warm up lap, then group B go for the 5 min warm up lap. The A go for a 5 min trial run and then B. The 5 fastest split times were recorded and these 5 racers go for the last 10 laps race where no assistance will be given if one should crash.
I let the "Pro" racers take group A and watch them pit against themselves. From there I observed the way they drive, accelerate, brake and the way they tackle corners. I hid myself among group B which consists mainly amatuers and noobz. I tried to test the acceleration, turning radius, braking power, handling of the kart. Along the way I observe the track, the corners and try to find the perfect driving line.
"Pro racers from Group A"
"I'll tell ya those boys don't mean nothing so go kick their sorry asses"
Crash out a couple of times while testing the potential of the kart in the warm up lap. Hit the dirt, over drifted and ate grasses. When the trial lap came, I was already trying hard to compromise drifting and maintaining the split time. However, I spent too much time enjoying the drift, I soon realise that that's not the fastest way to get around the corner on a kart. A little drift is fine for tight corners but that's about it. Soon I got used to the FULL accelerate and HARD braking before the corners and the FULL accelerate power out of corners was like the optimal driving line. I didn't really recorded the fastest split times and I tried to mask my driving technique when I was nearing the grand stand as I really didn't want others to judge my skills and besides I really didn't give my 110% on the trial laps.
"Group A races pitting it out"
"The second straight before the last bend"
Well, by this time, most of them have already had mud splats and grasses on their shirts and pants. I was the ONLY one that's clean, well maybe because I was too afraid to get my prize possessions like my shoes and pants soiled.
So since my timing was like the 4th fastest overall, watching how the others perform, I knew I had no way to beat them if they had a good run from the start. I wasn't saying that I had the best skillz there and not that I am playing humble, but the truth is that I could pass them if they crash out or if them made mistakes but I wasn't taking any chances. 3 karts in from of me on the starting grid, and Momo, my Japanese Gal left me on Monday. In my mind was angst, and rage and now I will focus and harness all of these elements to win. Losing was not an option. Life is transient and this would be the only chance to get a consolation outta it.
The marshal was giving a 5 second explaination on the grid and in my mind, that 5 sec seems like forever as I could clearly devise a plan and see it rationalize into reality. I needed a head start and the only way I could do it was to jam the brakes and yet accelerate till the point that the kart held stationary by the brakes and that the instance I release my brakes, the kart would lunge forward giving me a head start as everyone else would just floor the accelerator and their karts would just move off as usual.
I was FUCKING right, the moment the flag was raised, I was already overtaking 2 karts in front of me putting me in 2nd place and negotiating a gradual right bend behind my Boss. But due to the fact that I was travelling behind him and he was way too slow for my speed and I do not want to brake on the straights, I just overtook him and took the inner of the next right-angled right bend and there I was being in 1st place. I knew I had to hold on to my lead and yet extend the gap every lap and also not make any mistakes. That was the only way I would win and I ain't gonna let no mistakes or what-so-ever jeopardise it.
Was losing it during the 3rd or 4th lap when I actually over drifted on the tight hair pins. Thank God my lead was like 30 secs ahead of the second car so I actually had ample time to correct my mistakes. I totally free myself of any distractions after that and all that in my mind was the accelerated vision of my path to victory. I guess this is like the first official race I had without the constant fear of cops and that's the reason why I was making mistakes.
During the last couple of laps, I was actually trying to overtake my colleague who was a lap behind me. Damn he was an ASS blocking me in every possible chance to pass him. I tried going thru the water puddles, the grass benders and all other possible way, no luck. So I decided to play mind games with him and tailed him so close and yet not pass him...soon enuff, he totally screwed it and spun out. I twitched my wrists a little and whizz passed him on full throttle missing him by inches.
Held on to my lead all the way and pass the checked flag, did a "hand brake" turn in to the stop area, remove my helmet and waited for the rest to come.
A little consolation for that time but it didn't last long. The past came back and haunt me soon enuff. I can't walk outta of her shadows but I remembered the words that my Korean colleague tattooed on Monday, "Life goes on until death overtakes me"
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The path to destruction
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
This is the first day after my sun died. Hopes and faith have become lies and never will I want to believe in until I hurt enuff people to die for my cause. This is my path to destruction...I will not make any vows or any commitments but I'd just do it...destroy as many lives and ruin as many things as I can.
I was on your leash to do to your abiding but now, I am on my own and no one can contain me. It's funny how Heavens rained today as if to drown me in tears. The weather was gloomy, the rained stopped but seems to be hanging around the corner for another round of tears.
And I am here, pitted by love that have turned terribly wrong and into hatred. Once again, I set out to pilfer, plunder, and raid so that the cycle of tormentation will continue.
Next stop Japan. I am bent to get there so there is no stopping me now. To leave a trail of destruction, to leave souls howling, and this is all for you. Thank you.
This is the first day after my sun died. Hopes and faith have become lies and never will I want to believe in until I hurt enuff people to die for my cause. This is my path to destruction...I will not make any vows or any commitments but I'd just do it...destroy as many lives and ruin as many things as I can.
I was on your leash to do to your abiding but now, I am on my own and no one can contain me. It's funny how Heavens rained today as if to drown me in tears. The weather was gloomy, the rained stopped but seems to be hanging around the corner for another round of tears.
And I am here, pitted by love that have turned terribly wrong and into hatred. Once again, I set out to pilfer, plunder, and raid so that the cycle of tormentation will continue.
Next stop Japan. I am bent to get there so there is no stopping me now. To leave a trail of destruction, to leave souls howling, and this is all for you. Thank you.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Today 11 June 2007...The End
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
My intuition was correct, each time when you said that you wanted me to call you, I just felt uneasy that each call I make would probably be my last...and today, you decided to end it all. There is really nothing more I can say...all the things we've gone thru, the times we shared and the hopes that kept me alive.
You were my savior, my soul, my pillar of support. Now that you are gone, once again I have to pick up the broken pieces by myself. One after another, you chose to leave like she does and yet each time, I am the only one left to pick up the broken pieces. I was a puppet on your string right from the start, I was a chess piece on your table, I was nothing more than a number to add to your stats.
I kept so much of you and all that is now just ashes washed away with the rain. I was always walking behind you and you just kept running. I was never able to do what I wanted for you are always leading. I have loved and now I am tormented and burned! I cannot choose to hate you for I chose this path myself...and in isolation I drown myself in my own despair.
It was never about me...it was always about you. Whatever I do never seems to be able to please you and whatever you did I have to just accept it. I have become and option to you and you have become my only existence to go on.
How you took me out from the shadows and how you showed me to forgive and forget and to live life new, REBIRTH. How you used to promise me so much things and I was only a sucker to believe in faith and hope and all other lies. Seperated by a million miles and across oceans, I live each day on faith and hope only to find myself being buried in my own illusions. I can say enuffs thank you for all that you have done and showed me and I can say enuff sorries to make up for all the sadness that I gave you. But the truth is that I have given everything I've got and I mean EVERYTHING, but in the end, nothing ever pleases you. You are up there looking down and I am always here looking up at my ray of hope.
You gave me a reason to submit and repent but now you gave me nothing more than just empty promises. The world around me bless us for being together that's because I made you the center of my life and my world just revolves around you. But ask yourself what did you do for me? You can be stubborn and argue your way through but the truth is that you can NEVER put me above everything else, for you are self-centred and it's only you that matter. You have a choice and no one really held a knife to hold you against your own will and you chose to give me up. That's really noble and liked you always said, how much do I really know about you. Well ask yourself, how much did you ever tell me? You never wanted to tell me anything and excuses after excuses you would give to justify everything. Excuses like I would never be able to help or make a difference, I would never understand...these are jsut your own excuses to cover yourself. You are just plain selfish and no one ever will ever fit your bill.
It's not like I never ask or cared but it's just you that never really wanted to share. You made your options and priorities right from the start and I was never on the list. I was a substitute, a pawn, a replacement, something that when you needed, I will be at your disposal and stashed away when not needed. Have you ever been fair? The answer is no...not because nothing in this world is fair but rather it's just your own self-centred thinking.
I am sorry that I robbed you of your freedom right from the start.
I am sorry that I became the root of all your problems.
I am sorry that I wasn't able to meet your standards.
I am sorry that I was becoming a burden to you
I am sorry that I wasn't of much help
I am sorry that I was a jerk at some point of time
I am sorry that I disappoint you
I am sorry that I made you my life
I am sorry that I can not make your dreams come true
For all the sorries that I have apologised to you, have you ever said sorry to me? Have you ever felt remorse for the things that you did? I have never initiated any disputes or quarrels all these while and each time it was just me who would apologise to you. What were you realy thinking all these while?
So many questions are left blank and so many answers I seek, you were in a dilemma and you chose to sacrifice me so you could please the world and you really think that would benefit the both of us? I think that would only benefit you...so go on please the FUCKING WORLD of yours and let me burn and die.
Though I can never seek the answers why would you please the FUCKING WORLD and sacrifice me, if it makes you happy and if these FUCKING PEOPLE are so GOD DAMN FUCKING important, then so be it. I really don't see them contributing to your sake in anyway and I have to near the FUCKING CONSEQUENCES of your decisions, I can only come to think that THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES ARE BETTER OFF DEAD!!
Yes, as I continue to vent my fustrations and spill more filth, I will allow my anger to have full control over me. I will not hate you but I just hate the FUCKING PEOPLE that are around you, poisoning you each day.
If I had a gun, they are the ones to waste. You are so noble to save the world but too bad I am not. You are a saint and I am the fallen angel...you were God sent and I'd guess it never would worked out from the start. It was just wishful thinking on my part right from the beginning.
I have feared for this day for so long and here it is, finally ending everything. I knew I was just hanging on a thin thread that would snap anytime. This was how fragile our relationship was. But at least you could still do whatever you wanted to and I had to wait for you to take a step before I could move mine. You've got your freedom back and now, let me just waste myself. I am beyond your control and I live my life the way I want it.
Thks for the memories.
FUCKED!
My intuition was correct, each time when you said that you wanted me to call you, I just felt uneasy that each call I make would probably be my last...and today, you decided to end it all. There is really nothing more I can say...all the things we've gone thru, the times we shared and the hopes that kept me alive.
You were my savior, my soul, my pillar of support. Now that you are gone, once again I have to pick up the broken pieces by myself. One after another, you chose to leave like she does and yet each time, I am the only one left to pick up the broken pieces. I was a puppet on your string right from the start, I was a chess piece on your table, I was nothing more than a number to add to your stats.
I kept so much of you and all that is now just ashes washed away with the rain. I was always walking behind you and you just kept running. I was never able to do what I wanted for you are always leading. I have loved and now I am tormented and burned! I cannot choose to hate you for I chose this path myself...and in isolation I drown myself in my own despair.
It was never about me...it was always about you. Whatever I do never seems to be able to please you and whatever you did I have to just accept it. I have become and option to you and you have become my only existence to go on.
How you took me out from the shadows and how you showed me to forgive and forget and to live life new, REBIRTH. How you used to promise me so much things and I was only a sucker to believe in faith and hope and all other lies. Seperated by a million miles and across oceans, I live each day on faith and hope only to find myself being buried in my own illusions. I can say enuffs thank you for all that you have done and showed me and I can say enuff sorries to make up for all the sadness that I gave you. But the truth is that I have given everything I've got and I mean EVERYTHING, but in the end, nothing ever pleases you. You are up there looking down and I am always here looking up at my ray of hope.
You gave me a reason to submit and repent but now you gave me nothing more than just empty promises. The world around me bless us for being together that's because I made you the center of my life and my world just revolves around you. But ask yourself what did you do for me? You can be stubborn and argue your way through but the truth is that you can NEVER put me above everything else, for you are self-centred and it's only you that matter. You have a choice and no one really held a knife to hold you against your own will and you chose to give me up. That's really noble and liked you always said, how much do I really know about you. Well ask yourself, how much did you ever tell me? You never wanted to tell me anything and excuses after excuses you would give to justify everything. Excuses like I would never be able to help or make a difference, I would never understand...these are jsut your own excuses to cover yourself. You are just plain selfish and no one ever will ever fit your bill.
It's not like I never ask or cared but it's just you that never really wanted to share. You made your options and priorities right from the start and I was never on the list. I was a substitute, a pawn, a replacement, something that when you needed, I will be at your disposal and stashed away when not needed. Have you ever been fair? The answer is no...not because nothing in this world is fair but rather it's just your own self-centred thinking.
I am sorry that I robbed you of your freedom right from the start.
I am sorry that I became the root of all your problems.
I am sorry that I wasn't able to meet your standards.
I am sorry that I was becoming a burden to you
I am sorry that I wasn't of much help
I am sorry that I was a jerk at some point of time
I am sorry that I disappoint you
I am sorry that I made you my life
I am sorry that I can not make your dreams come true
For all the sorries that I have apologised to you, have you ever said sorry to me? Have you ever felt remorse for the things that you did? I have never initiated any disputes or quarrels all these while and each time it was just me who would apologise to you. What were you realy thinking all these while?
So many questions are left blank and so many answers I seek, you were in a dilemma and you chose to sacrifice me so you could please the world and you really think that would benefit the both of us? I think that would only benefit you...so go on please the FUCKING WORLD of yours and let me burn and die.
Though I can never seek the answers why would you please the FUCKING WORLD and sacrifice me, if it makes you happy and if these FUCKING PEOPLE are so GOD DAMN FUCKING important, then so be it. I really don't see them contributing to your sake in anyway and I have to near the FUCKING CONSEQUENCES of your decisions, I can only come to think that THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES ARE BETTER OFF DEAD!!
Yes, as I continue to vent my fustrations and spill more filth, I will allow my anger to have full control over me. I will not hate you but I just hate the FUCKING PEOPLE that are around you, poisoning you each day.
If I had a gun, they are the ones to waste. You are so noble to save the world but too bad I am not. You are a saint and I am the fallen angel...you were God sent and I'd guess it never would worked out from the start. It was just wishful thinking on my part right from the beginning.
I have feared for this day for so long and here it is, finally ending everything. I knew I was just hanging on a thin thread that would snap anytime. This was how fragile our relationship was. But at least you could still do whatever you wanted to and I had to wait for you to take a step before I could move mine. You've got your freedom back and now, let me just waste myself. I am beyond your control and I live my life the way I want it.
Thks for the memories.
FUCKED!
Unravel the mystery of Whatever
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Okay I must really salute the marketing campaign of the new drink found locally using pseudonym WHATEVER and ANYTHING. Well let's just say that I've thought of actually coming out with a product be it food, toys or fashion where the element of surprise and uncertainty will draw in the crowd but it never set off due to lack of funding and therefore, it never really rationalize. So I really have to salute this company for rationalizing my visions.
But, soon the element of uncertainty wore off as I found a better place to place my dime. Look carefully on the ingredients of the WHATEVER drink and you will soon figure out that not all the cans have the same contents. As for the ANYTHING carbonated drink, hmm haven't really tried to unravel the mystery so if u did, pls update me then, meanwhile, support the local companies and go get yrself a can of ANYTHING.
Okay I must really salute the marketing campaign of the new drink found locally using pseudonym WHATEVER and ANYTHING. Well let's just say that I've thought of actually coming out with a product be it food, toys or fashion where the element of surprise and uncertainty will draw in the crowd but it never set off due to lack of funding and therefore, it never really rationalize. So I really have to salute this company for rationalizing my visions.
But, soon the element of uncertainty wore off as I found a better place to place my dime. Look carefully on the ingredients of the WHATEVER drink and you will soon figure out that not all the cans have the same contents. As for the ANYTHING carbonated drink, hmm haven't really tried to unravel the mystery so if u did, pls update me then, meanwhile, support the local companies and go get yrself a can of ANYTHING.
I am a FUCKING junkie
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
When the world smile and cheer, where was I?
When the world sleep and dream, where was I?
When everyone around me cheers, I went along
When everyone around me wept, I shed tears
When someone needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there
When someone needed a listening ear, I was there too
But when I drown myself in despair, no one was there
When I bled myself inside out, no one was there
And when I am gone, no one will care
And when I become nature, no one will remember
I never contributed anything to the world
I am just adding numbers to the world
I have no faith and no religion
I will let the Gods decide who to take me in
Harsh, cold and lost are what I feel each day
Deceit, lies and sacrifices are what I do each day
Ain't got no face of reality
Living behind a mask of eternity
Pills and capsules are my only consolation
Syringes and fluids are my existence
withdrawn into the path of destruction
I lead myself to isolation
When the world smile and cheer, where was I?
When the world sleep and dream, where was I?
When everyone around me cheers, I went along
When everyone around me wept, I shed tears
When someone needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there
When someone needed a listening ear, I was there too
But when I drown myself in despair, no one was there
When I bled myself inside out, no one was there
And when I am gone, no one will care
And when I become nature, no one will remember
I never contributed anything to the world
I am just adding numbers to the world
I have no faith and no religion
I will let the Gods decide who to take me in
Harsh, cold and lost are what I feel each day
Deceit, lies and sacrifices are what I do each day
Ain't got no face of reality
Living behind a mask of eternity
Pills and capsules are my only consolation
Syringes and fluids are my existence
withdrawn into the path of destruction
I lead myself to isolation
Tell me about it...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Over the past few weekends, there are a series of events that are obviously telling me something and I have yet been able to interpret what they mean. Or is it that my time is near...or just plain pessimism? I don't know the answer...
Well, over the past couple of weekends, I have witnessed car crashes and I mean not a bump or scratch but those that involve mangled metals and ambulances. And just last Saturday, sometime around dawn, I saw a Ferrari F430 yes, it's a FUCKING that Ferrari crashed along CTE near Ang Mo Kio in the direction to Yishun. Skid marks on lane 1 indicated that the car probably hit the centre divider before spinning 4 lanes to the left. Mangled and flattened to the asphalt, wheels twisted, and debris all over a span of like 100m, the huge chassis look sturdy but ripped of all other layers of "skin". Didn't have a chance to see the driver or the car plate except that the car was maroon in color.
Well 1st tinme in my life I actually saw a Ferrari craashed on local roads and given the stability and precision aspect, it's probably boils down to the user error or misjudgement to turn a precision instrument of speed and innovation right down to scrap metal sitting in the junk yard.
Cool. Kudos to you Ferrari driver, for I wonder when will I ever have the chance like you to break the prancing horse into pieces and yet walk away to settle for another raging bull.
Over the past few weekends, there are a series of events that are obviously telling me something and I have yet been able to interpret what they mean. Or is it that my time is near...or just plain pessimism? I don't know the answer...
Well, over the past couple of weekends, I have witnessed car crashes and I mean not a bump or scratch but those that involve mangled metals and ambulances. And just last Saturday, sometime around dawn, I saw a Ferrari F430 yes, it's a FUCKING that Ferrari crashed along CTE near Ang Mo Kio in the direction to Yishun. Skid marks on lane 1 indicated that the car probably hit the centre divider before spinning 4 lanes to the left. Mangled and flattened to the asphalt, wheels twisted, and debris all over a span of like 100m, the huge chassis look sturdy but ripped of all other layers of "skin". Didn't have a chance to see the driver or the car plate except that the car was maroon in color.
Well 1st tinme in my life I actually saw a Ferrari craashed on local roads and given the stability and precision aspect, it's probably boils down to the user error or misjudgement to turn a precision instrument of speed and innovation right down to scrap metal sitting in the junk yard.
Cool. Kudos to you Ferrari driver, for I wonder when will I ever have the chance like you to break the prancing horse into pieces and yet walk away to settle for another raging bull.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Friend of many, foe of few...
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Since 1410, being used as a medicinal herb, tabacco have survived till today and it seems that many people can't seem to live without it, making it part of their needs. Be it considered a friend or foe, and the different ways to get the nicotine absorbed into the bloodstream, the various reasons people take it. Ultimately , being dependent on it in the long run seems to make tabacco a trusted aid and a friend that most would probably can't do without.
While I am not gonna write a full 700 page thesis on this sacred herb that seems to have been abuse and taken for granted these day, I would say that it's definitely a foe to a small minority who seems to find it rather negative than positive.
While I clearly remember those days suffering shits and serving my nation, out there cold, tired and listless in a God-forsaken island, only a small handful of us gathered and huff and puff little white cancer sticks in our trembling hands...chatted a while even though it's pure acquaintance. The feeling was mutual, sacred and beautiful where everyone became friends over a small chat with the universal bond that brought us, otherwise strangers together...cancer sticks.
It's funny but smoking alone, the tabacco and the nicotine would probably dislodge and displace one's mind before anything else but when with a group of trusted pals, or people who bears a strong relation, it's just pure bliss. Somehow a simple white cancer stick can bring strangers together and that sorta develops into friendship.
So that's about it for now and remember, a stick in hand goes well with a beer in the other...it's Friday so it's time to party.
Cheers
Since 1410, being used as a medicinal herb, tabacco have survived till today and it seems that many people can't seem to live without it, making it part of their needs. Be it considered a friend or foe, and the different ways to get the nicotine absorbed into the bloodstream, the various reasons people take it. Ultimately , being dependent on it in the long run seems to make tabacco a trusted aid and a friend that most would probably can't do without.
While I am not gonna write a full 700 page thesis on this sacred herb that seems to have been abuse and taken for granted these day, I would say that it's definitely a foe to a small minority who seems to find it rather negative than positive.
While I clearly remember those days suffering shits and serving my nation, out there cold, tired and listless in a God-forsaken island, only a small handful of us gathered and huff and puff little white cancer sticks in our trembling hands...chatted a while even though it's pure acquaintance. The feeling was mutual, sacred and beautiful where everyone became friends over a small chat with the universal bond that brought us, otherwise strangers together...cancer sticks.
It's funny but smoking alone, the tabacco and the nicotine would probably dislodge and displace one's mind before anything else but when with a group of trusted pals, or people who bears a strong relation, it's just pure bliss. Somehow a simple white cancer stick can bring strangers together and that sorta develops into friendship.
So that's about it for now and remember, a stick in hand goes well with a beer in the other...it's Friday so it's time to party.
Cheers
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Tritium For Sale
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
For those of you who know me or have seen me in clubs, I can be easily identified by a single tube of glowing green earring. Well now since I've got so many people asking me to bring in these cool gadgets, I am planning to ship in these "toys" again that is if I can have enuff orders. It comes in a pendant form but it's fully customizable to earrings, bracelet, etc. The light last approximately 10 years to a decade and DOES not require charging or whatsoever. The outer tube is made of glass and inside is a tritium vial. It's going for sale at SGD$45 a piece as they are imported from overseas. Colors available are Green, (Brightest), Blue (Really cool), White (What can I say more...), and Yellow (Unique color). Msg me the no. of pieces you want and color to shiroidevil@hotmail.com
"White compared to Blue"
For those of you who know me or have seen me in clubs, I can be easily identified by a single tube of glowing green earring. Well now since I've got so many people asking me to bring in these cool gadgets, I am planning to ship in these "toys" again that is if I can have enuff orders. It comes in a pendant form but it's fully customizable to earrings, bracelet, etc. The light last approximately 10 years to a decade and DOES not require charging or whatsoever. The outer tube is made of glass and inside is a tritium vial. It's going for sale at SGD$45 a piece as they are imported from overseas. Colors available are Green, (Brightest), Blue (Really cool), White (What can I say more...), and Yellow (Unique color). Msg me the no. of pieces you want and color to shiroidevil@hotmail.com
"White compared to Blue"
Monday, June 04, 2007
Silent Stalker
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
As the cold empty cage lies silent for a while, the hunter cleans the barrel, polishes the chamber and load in a fresh cartridge of rounds. He prepares to enter the wilderness to seek a prey. From days to weeks to months, nothing suitable to hunt, nothing caught his eye. But as time passes, solitude and calmness sets in. The hunter knows exactly what he wants, he lay in ambush silently awaiting for the rite moment. With his trusted weapon beside, the years of experience have seem to caught up with him. He will need to end the isolation of exile with a single prey.
Then on this day, the prey appeared ending all the waiting game. The hunter positions himself, looks into the scope and in the middle of the crosshair was a prey. With a single shot ringing through the silent forest, the prey fell. The hunter have caught his prey, and the very next day, he tests it to see if it's suitable and on the third day, he makes his "kill".
The cage has once again come alive with it's existence.
As the cold empty cage lies silent for a while, the hunter cleans the barrel, polishes the chamber and load in a fresh cartridge of rounds. He prepares to enter the wilderness to seek a prey. From days to weeks to months, nothing suitable to hunt, nothing caught his eye. But as time passes, solitude and calmness sets in. The hunter knows exactly what he wants, he lay in ambush silently awaiting for the rite moment. With his trusted weapon beside, the years of experience have seem to caught up with him. He will need to end the isolation of exile with a single prey.
Then on this day, the prey appeared ending all the waiting game. The hunter positions himself, looks into the scope and in the middle of the crosshair was a prey. With a single shot ringing through the silent forest, the prey fell. The hunter have caught his prey, and the very next day, he tests it to see if it's suitable and on the third day, he makes his "kill".
The cage has once again come alive with it's existence.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Greed Vs Needs
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
There is definitely one hell of a difference between Greed and Needs. While needs are basic necessities that must be fulfilled before greed can set in. The hierarchy is formed in such a way that needs are at the base of the pyramid while greed can be anything above the needs category or even right at the tip of the pyramid.
I am using this frame of reference to make sense of something. On one hand, someone that I have hurt, left high and dry am still willing to sacrifice anything for me in exchange for my happiness. Almost a year since the fateful day and still I am being treated like a gem, simple words or msg seems to put a smile on her face and make her day.
While on the other hand, I was born greedy and I'd guess who wasn't. I am a perfectionist and I seek the perfect one who I know in reality will never exist as I will continue to find fault and flaws. So somehow I've indeed found what I am looking for but it seems like it's really not easy maintaining the relationship. Once I was papmered like a King and whatever I wanted, she would yield and submit to my requests. I never really needed to care or let anything bother me as I know she would give in. Now that I have traded those days for something very different or rather the opposite. Now I am the one that's giving everthing I've got and just hanging on a thin line of hope. I have inevitably become a pawn, a slave of my own device. I am being leashed on a chain and I've lost my freedom, my empire and everything I've got. But still I keep my hopes high and I hang on dearly to uncertainty believing that someday it'd rationalize into reality.
It's really ridiculous how I yearned so much for something and fought so hard for it only to crumble and hold on dearly to a thin line that will either snap and let me fly to God's santuary or will it allow me to climb right to the top and save myself? Although there is absolutely no way I can know the answer but I really want it to be like those in my dreams. The flow here is like a circuit, one direction and I am just like a wet cell requiring 2 opposing nodes to connect the circuit.
Well like ehat everyone would probably say, that's life so you gotta just accept it. Yeah I will accept it but in the meantime, I just hope that I can sleep normally and wake up normally without the constant rising aggression in me.
It's like a drug now, I needed them badly but I am picky for I don't just take any drug, I seek designer drugs, yep those that can make me feel good and yet they look good.
And besides, I am quite fed up with my job after my Boss gave me a good thrashing down last week for things that was not within my control. And his stubborn ass won't listen to anything but himself. It's tough these day struggling to go work which was a huge contrast from the start where I had a FUCKING huge enthusiasm to work. And I just pray that my saviour will understand me and be more tolerant of my childish antics and tantrums. Because I really do not want to feel that I have made a wrong judgement and regret my decisions.
God Bless
There is definitely one hell of a difference between Greed and Needs. While needs are basic necessities that must be fulfilled before greed can set in. The hierarchy is formed in such a way that needs are at the base of the pyramid while greed can be anything above the needs category or even right at the tip of the pyramid.
I am using this frame of reference to make sense of something. On one hand, someone that I have hurt, left high and dry am still willing to sacrifice anything for me in exchange for my happiness. Almost a year since the fateful day and still I am being treated like a gem, simple words or msg seems to put a smile on her face and make her day.
While on the other hand, I was born greedy and I'd guess who wasn't. I am a perfectionist and I seek the perfect one who I know in reality will never exist as I will continue to find fault and flaws. So somehow I've indeed found what I am looking for but it seems like it's really not easy maintaining the relationship. Once I was papmered like a King and whatever I wanted, she would yield and submit to my requests. I never really needed to care or let anything bother me as I know she would give in. Now that I have traded those days for something very different or rather the opposite. Now I am the one that's giving everthing I've got and just hanging on a thin line of hope. I have inevitably become a pawn, a slave of my own device. I am being leashed on a chain and I've lost my freedom, my empire and everything I've got. But still I keep my hopes high and I hang on dearly to uncertainty believing that someday it'd rationalize into reality.
It's really ridiculous how I yearned so much for something and fought so hard for it only to crumble and hold on dearly to a thin line that will either snap and let me fly to God's santuary or will it allow me to climb right to the top and save myself? Although there is absolutely no way I can know the answer but I really want it to be like those in my dreams. The flow here is like a circuit, one direction and I am just like a wet cell requiring 2 opposing nodes to connect the circuit.
Well like ehat everyone would probably say, that's life so you gotta just accept it. Yeah I will accept it but in the meantime, I just hope that I can sleep normally and wake up normally without the constant rising aggression in me.
It's like a drug now, I needed them badly but I am picky for I don't just take any drug, I seek designer drugs, yep those that can make me feel good and yet they look good.
And besides, I am quite fed up with my job after my Boss gave me a good thrashing down last week for things that was not within my control. And his stubborn ass won't listen to anything but himself. It's tough these day struggling to go work which was a huge contrast from the start where I had a FUCKING huge enthusiasm to work. And I just pray that my saviour will understand me and be more tolerant of my childish antics and tantrums. Because I really do not want to feel that I have made a wrong judgement and regret my decisions.
God Bless
Forza MotorSports 2
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
Oh well today's Friday again and tomolo is the weekend. Went to Clinic yesterday for some free parties but the crowd there was a bit of a disappointing. Felt a bit too old for the crowd there and a bit outta place as well but it's was generally a ok experience and it's not that I haven't been to Clinic before.
On Tuesday nite, went down to Zouk with my bro Lawrence to chill but it's was FUCKING packed. Had a bumper to bumper situation as I won't allow any other cars to cut my lane as I drove to the slip road to Zouk. A hot babe wanted to walk in front of my car to cross the road and I was like trying to prevent other cars from coming into my lane and so the gap between my front bumper to the ass of the car in front was so FUCKING close. The hot babe gave me a sarcastic thumbs up like "You're GOOD! FUCKING GOOD!" for like preventing her from crossing in front my car and also damn FUCKING close to the car in front without hitting it. Well, Lawrence was laughing like a idiot in the car and I swear I was behaving like a asshole too. FUCKING hilarious...me and Law's combo's like a kick as duo out to get laid! Ha.
And yesterday nite after the Clinic, I headed back home as I still had to fucking drag my ass to work today. But on the journey home, a cab pulled up beside me and this hottie gave me some lustful gesture and her FUCKING boyfriend was just sitting next to her unaware of it. It was like a 2 min stint of lustful and playful gesture between me and her. She was like sucking her fingers seductively and I was like blowing her flying kisses. Boy that 2 min was God sent...haha what a nite, what a hottie...She's hot and I mean real hot...
Okay back to the topic now, tried Forza MotorSports 2 (FM2) on X360 with a HDTV. Graphics really brought out the realism of racing games, FUCKING GOOD! Gameplay was awesome as well, started of with a FC3S RX-7 as I am a suker for Japanese cars. The handling of the car feels like the real shit thing, fishtails, powersildes, oversteers, you name it. Hard learning curve to master the drifts but definitely worth it if you don't actually have the real car. It feels just like the real thing. Had a bit of upgrades here and there but not too much. Blasted the saved credits on a EVO 9 GT, tried a couple of races and unlocked a EVO 8 MR and some Limited Edt Integra Type R and also a AE86 Trueno. Too bad they didn't have RS Watanabe for the 86 and the stock one sucks big time so I will skip the 86 for the moment. Desprately beefing up the EVO 8 MR now to complete more races and to unlock more goodies. Great car simulation game that will keep your lard ass glued for hours. Didn't really liked ShadowRun after I tested it. I go a lot for storyline in a game rather than aimless, redundant killings and shits that pit skills.
So there you have it, my Friday's entry.
Oh well today's Friday again and tomolo is the weekend. Went to Clinic yesterday for some free parties but the crowd there was a bit of a disappointing. Felt a bit too old for the crowd there and a bit outta place as well but it's was generally a ok experience and it's not that I haven't been to Clinic before.
On Tuesday nite, went down to Zouk with my bro Lawrence to chill but it's was FUCKING packed. Had a bumper to bumper situation as I won't allow any other cars to cut my lane as I drove to the slip road to Zouk. A hot babe wanted to walk in front of my car to cross the road and I was like trying to prevent other cars from coming into my lane and so the gap between my front bumper to the ass of the car in front was so FUCKING close. The hot babe gave me a sarcastic thumbs up like "You're GOOD! FUCKING GOOD!" for like preventing her from crossing in front my car and also damn FUCKING close to the car in front without hitting it. Well, Lawrence was laughing like a idiot in the car and I swear I was behaving like a asshole too. FUCKING hilarious...me and Law's combo's like a kick as duo out to get laid! Ha.
And yesterday nite after the Clinic, I headed back home as I still had to fucking drag my ass to work today. But on the journey home, a cab pulled up beside me and this hottie gave me some lustful gesture and her FUCKING boyfriend was just sitting next to her unaware of it. It was like a 2 min stint of lustful and playful gesture between me and her. She was like sucking her fingers seductively and I was like blowing her flying kisses. Boy that 2 min was God sent...haha what a nite, what a hottie...She's hot and I mean real hot...
Okay back to the topic now, tried Forza MotorSports 2 (FM2) on X360 with a HDTV. Graphics really brought out the realism of racing games, FUCKING GOOD! Gameplay was awesome as well, started of with a FC3S RX-7 as I am a suker for Japanese cars. The handling of the car feels like the real shit thing, fishtails, powersildes, oversteers, you name it. Hard learning curve to master the drifts but definitely worth it if you don't actually have the real car. It feels just like the real thing. Had a bit of upgrades here and there but not too much. Blasted the saved credits on a EVO 9 GT, tried a couple of races and unlocked a EVO 8 MR and some Limited Edt Integra Type R and also a AE86 Trueno. Too bad they didn't have RS Watanabe for the 86 and the stock one sucks big time so I will skip the 86 for the moment. Desprately beefing up the EVO 8 MR now to complete more races and to unlock more goodies. Great car simulation game that will keep your lard ass glued for hours. Didn't really liked ShadowRun after I tested it. I go a lot for storyline in a game rather than aimless, redundant killings and shits that pit skills.
So there you have it, my Friday's entry.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The Thunder that Never Goes Away
- Fate is decided by God but destiny is the path you choose to get there -
While the world sleeps tonite and a brand new day starts tomolo, Wayne Thunder will never wake up to see The Suns again. He's only 29, 1/3 of The Suns and he's gone. He was inspirational mentor, friend and icon to many others. I'd guess God had better use for him up there as he always did, like Kurt Cobain and many others. No words can express my condolences to Wayne and I guess I will just have to leave you with words from San and JBoss themselves. It's never goodbye Wayne, it's till we meet again someday in God's Santuary.
Wayne Thunder 1977 - 2007
"Wayne passed away peacefully in his sleep on Monday, 21st May. We still can't believe that Wayne is no longer around. It's hard to lose someone, harder when we'd shared dreams. Wayne was a rockstar, a drummer, a brother and a hero to us. The SUNS wanted to share with our fans the two eulogies from San Singer and JBoss at Wayne's Rockstar funeral."
Wayne Thunder’s Eulogy Speech delivered by San Singer
It was through Wayne’s music that we all saw his passion. It was through his music that he barred his soul to the world. I truly believe Wayne was an angel of music that God put on this earth to guide us through our lives. The happiest moments of my life were spent making music with Wayne Thunder. I feel luckier than most of you because I was in the same band with Wayne for 12 years. I was blessed with the opportunity to learn about music and about life from the greatest musician that this country has ever produced. I wanted to share with you some of Wayne’s divine lessons and qualities that have been inspirational to me and continue to inspire me in my life.
Wayne was the most disciplined person I knew...
I miss the times when we were living together in Melbourne and struggling to get started. Every single day when I came back from work or from uni, Wayne would be practising his drums. He didn’t go out on the weekends. He stayed at home to practise because he wanted to become a great drummer. Even at night he would practice silently on his practice pads. He would even practice while he was on MSN. So he would take some time to reply messages. I never used to set my alarm clock because his drum practising was my automatic alarm clock. I heard Wayne struggle from mastering rudiments at the start and heard him finally play amazing drum solos. I heard how he pushed himself to improve. It is a truly inspiring experience to witness such dedication. I have never known a musician more dedicated than Wayne. Today, he is by far Singapore’s greatest drummer of all time. One of my favourite memories of Wayne was watching his drum solo during our sold out CD launch show in Melbourne. There he was, my best friend playing his drum solo in front of 1000 Australians screaming their roars of approval and respect. I do not believe that there is a single musician in Singapore right now who can go to Australia and command that level of respect from Australians and fellow Australian musicians. There is only one Wayne Thunder on the drums.
Wayne never complained about working hard…
I have never heard Wayne complain about hard work. He was never lazy. He would always say to me, “Bo Pian lah. This is the path we have chosen. I’d rather be working hard than feeling sad about not chasing my dreams." When we first started playing in Melbourne in at this place called the Planet Café in front of 30 people, Wayne said that in two years we would be headlining a sold out show at the Esplanade Gershwin Room in front of 800 people on a Saturday night where people paid $12 to see us. Two years later, it happened because of Wayne’s relentless hard work in managing The SUNS. Here’s one amazing guy who went to Australia and got The SUNS into the legendary Espy Gershwin Room venue without any radio station, record label or sponsors help. He did it all of this while he juggled two part-time jobs, practising, producing and song writing for a band that he loved so much it became his life. It was very inspiring to see how Wayne could do so many things and work so hard... hardly ever get sleep but still be so happy with what he had. He was someone who had the tremendous ability to focus on his goals and not be distracted by the material world or by what others thought of him. Wayne not only had the courage to dream, he was the 1 in a million who actually did something about his dreams.
Wayne never gave up…
Wayne was the embodiment of optimism. When The SUNS were struggling, Wayne was our pillar of strength. He never once cracked under pressure. Instead, he would fix all the cracks. When we felt like giving up, Wayne was the guy that saw the glass half full. He would bring up all these rock’n’roll stories about “last time Rod Stewart used to dig graves…it’s all standard things we are going through lah. We have to earn it”. He felt happy to be struggling and living the rock'n'roll life. There was never one moment that I ever saw Wayne give up anything that he started. The words GIVE UP was something that Wayne could never register in his brain. Whenever I feel like giving up, I think about how upset Wayne Thunder would be if his best friend gave up and I try my best to carry on.
Wayne always did the right thing…
He always did the right thing even if it meant that he had to make big sacrifices. For example, when Wayne organised concerts in Melbourne for The SUNS and we packed out the clubs and made some money, Wayne would personally make sure that each band member was paid fairly before The SUNS were paid. This was why we never really made much money from the gigs that Wayne organised because he’d always shared the money with all the bands we played with equally. He firmly believed that it was the right thing to do because all the bands were struggling and they were our brothers too. It didn’t matter to Wayne that The SUNS were not rich. Wayne was a true artist. His joy came from spreading his message of love through his music and seeing how his music touched the hearts of people. That was his payment and I’m sure that he has a million dollars in heaven right now.
Wayne had the courage to stand up for what he believed in…
One of the most remarkable things about Wayne is the way that he never compromised on speaking the truth. One of the things Wayne was passionate about was making a difference in the music industry in Singapore. He took it upon himself to start the motion of change in the music industry here. I fondly remember a telephone conversation with Wayne where I just laughed and laughed at the story he told me. He told me, “Eh San, the other day I spoke to the guy from a record label in Singapore. He said he wanted to make a difference in the music industry here and he believed in Singapore music” Do you know what Wayne said to him “Ok. If you really mean that why don’t you put your money where your mouth is? Why aren’t you funding recordings for bands? The label guy was stumped for words”. I love Wayne for that. Wayne always believed that no matter what, we had to say what needed to be said and not to be afraid of saying it. Wayne believed that it was better to speak the truth than to avoid it. He would never water down anything for the sake of 'angkating' someone or because he wanted to try to get ahead in life or get a better sponsorship deal. Wayne was the most honest friend I had.
His love for his family…
I want to talk about how much Wayne’s loved his family. For Wayne, family came first. Not even music could get in the way of his love or sense of duty to his family. It was above everything else in his life. Whenever we were jamming or watching TV and he received a call from home, Wayne would stop whatever he was doing to speak to his family. Every time he received a call from Singapore his face would light up with love. And after he spoke to his family. He would come into the rehearsal room afterwards to tell us the funny things his father or mother said to him and we’d laugh along with him. I use Wayne as a role model as to how to be a good son to my family.
His music…
I just want to leave you now by singing a song that Wayne wrote which really captures his spirit. This is my favourite Wayne Thunder Song. The song is called “Let Your Love Shine Thru”
If you think you’re feeling down and everything just ain’t right
If you’re all alone in this great big crazy world and you gonna give up the fight
If you’ve lost your will, you broke your heart and now you gonna lost your mind
If you ever believe that you can never ever, just once get things right
Take a look on the bright side
Don’t let hurt run your life
Rid yourself of ill feelings
You just have to be bold
And let your love shine through to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side
Dear Wayne Thunder, Thank you for being a son, a brother, a friend and our favourite rock’n’roll star of all time. I must admit that I am envious that you got to heaven before me but I’ll see you soon and I promise I will write a whole bunch of songs to jam with you when it’s my turn to go. God bless your wonderful soul Wayne and thank you for instilling within us all the spirit of Wayne Thunder and dude, thank you for changing my life.
JBoss's Eulogy Story
"When I first got to Melbourne, before I could even unpack, before we even settled on our band name, Wayne passed me a piece of paper, he said it was a contract. The contract was the simplest I've ever seen, hand written and crumpled, it had San's and Wayne's signature on it and with only one clause.
1. One day we will be Rockstars!!!"
After seeing the mass of people turn up at the wake, the radio dedications, numerous posts on blogs, Wayne, I hope that San and I have helped you live your dream, we hope that we have fulfilled the contract. That "One Day" has come and you are a true Rockstar!
Always in my heart Justin (JBoss)
While the world sleeps tonite and a brand new day starts tomolo, Wayne Thunder will never wake up to see The Suns again. He's only 29, 1/3 of The Suns and he's gone. He was inspirational mentor, friend and icon to many others. I'd guess God had better use for him up there as he always did, like Kurt Cobain and many others. No words can express my condolences to Wayne and I guess I will just have to leave you with words from San and JBoss themselves. It's never goodbye Wayne, it's till we meet again someday in God's Santuary.
Wayne Thunder 1977 - 2007
"Wayne passed away peacefully in his sleep on Monday, 21st May. We still can't believe that Wayne is no longer around. It's hard to lose someone, harder when we'd shared dreams. Wayne was a rockstar, a drummer, a brother and a hero to us. The SUNS wanted to share with our fans the two eulogies from San Singer and JBoss at Wayne's Rockstar funeral."
Wayne Thunder’s Eulogy Speech delivered by San Singer
It was through Wayne’s music that we all saw his passion. It was through his music that he barred his soul to the world. I truly believe Wayne was an angel of music that God put on this earth to guide us through our lives. The happiest moments of my life were spent making music with Wayne Thunder. I feel luckier than most of you because I was in the same band with Wayne for 12 years. I was blessed with the opportunity to learn about music and about life from the greatest musician that this country has ever produced. I wanted to share with you some of Wayne’s divine lessons and qualities that have been inspirational to me and continue to inspire me in my life.
Wayne was the most disciplined person I knew...
I miss the times when we were living together in Melbourne and struggling to get started. Every single day when I came back from work or from uni, Wayne would be practising his drums. He didn’t go out on the weekends. He stayed at home to practise because he wanted to become a great drummer. Even at night he would practice silently on his practice pads. He would even practice while he was on MSN. So he would take some time to reply messages. I never used to set my alarm clock because his drum practising was my automatic alarm clock. I heard Wayne struggle from mastering rudiments at the start and heard him finally play amazing drum solos. I heard how he pushed himself to improve. It is a truly inspiring experience to witness such dedication. I have never known a musician more dedicated than Wayne. Today, he is by far Singapore’s greatest drummer of all time. One of my favourite memories of Wayne was watching his drum solo during our sold out CD launch show in Melbourne. There he was, my best friend playing his drum solo in front of 1000 Australians screaming their roars of approval and respect. I do not believe that there is a single musician in Singapore right now who can go to Australia and command that level of respect from Australians and fellow Australian musicians. There is only one Wayne Thunder on the drums.
Wayne never complained about working hard…
I have never heard Wayne complain about hard work. He was never lazy. He would always say to me, “Bo Pian lah. This is the path we have chosen. I’d rather be working hard than feeling sad about not chasing my dreams." When we first started playing in Melbourne in at this place called the Planet Café in front of 30 people, Wayne said that in two years we would be headlining a sold out show at the Esplanade Gershwin Room in front of 800 people on a Saturday night where people paid $12 to see us. Two years later, it happened because of Wayne’s relentless hard work in managing The SUNS. Here’s one amazing guy who went to Australia and got The SUNS into the legendary Espy Gershwin Room venue without any radio station, record label or sponsors help. He did it all of this while he juggled two part-time jobs, practising, producing and song writing for a band that he loved so much it became his life. It was very inspiring to see how Wayne could do so many things and work so hard... hardly ever get sleep but still be so happy with what he had. He was someone who had the tremendous ability to focus on his goals and not be distracted by the material world or by what others thought of him. Wayne not only had the courage to dream, he was the 1 in a million who actually did something about his dreams.
Wayne never gave up…
Wayne was the embodiment of optimism. When The SUNS were struggling, Wayne was our pillar of strength. He never once cracked under pressure. Instead, he would fix all the cracks. When we felt like giving up, Wayne was the guy that saw the glass half full. He would bring up all these rock’n’roll stories about “last time Rod Stewart used to dig graves…it’s all standard things we are going through lah. We have to earn it”. He felt happy to be struggling and living the rock'n'roll life. There was never one moment that I ever saw Wayne give up anything that he started. The words GIVE UP was something that Wayne could never register in his brain. Whenever I feel like giving up, I think about how upset Wayne Thunder would be if his best friend gave up and I try my best to carry on.
Wayne always did the right thing…
He always did the right thing even if it meant that he had to make big sacrifices. For example, when Wayne organised concerts in Melbourne for The SUNS and we packed out the clubs and made some money, Wayne would personally make sure that each band member was paid fairly before The SUNS were paid. This was why we never really made much money from the gigs that Wayne organised because he’d always shared the money with all the bands we played with equally. He firmly believed that it was the right thing to do because all the bands were struggling and they were our brothers too. It didn’t matter to Wayne that The SUNS were not rich. Wayne was a true artist. His joy came from spreading his message of love through his music and seeing how his music touched the hearts of people. That was his payment and I’m sure that he has a million dollars in heaven right now.
Wayne had the courage to stand up for what he believed in…
One of the most remarkable things about Wayne is the way that he never compromised on speaking the truth. One of the things Wayne was passionate about was making a difference in the music industry in Singapore. He took it upon himself to start the motion of change in the music industry here. I fondly remember a telephone conversation with Wayne where I just laughed and laughed at the story he told me. He told me, “Eh San, the other day I spoke to the guy from a record label in Singapore. He said he wanted to make a difference in the music industry here and he believed in Singapore music” Do you know what Wayne said to him “Ok. If you really mean that why don’t you put your money where your mouth is? Why aren’t you funding recordings for bands? The label guy was stumped for words”. I love Wayne for that. Wayne always believed that no matter what, we had to say what needed to be said and not to be afraid of saying it. Wayne believed that it was better to speak the truth than to avoid it. He would never water down anything for the sake of 'angkating' someone or because he wanted to try to get ahead in life or get a better sponsorship deal. Wayne was the most honest friend I had.
His love for his family…
I want to talk about how much Wayne’s loved his family. For Wayne, family came first. Not even music could get in the way of his love or sense of duty to his family. It was above everything else in his life. Whenever we were jamming or watching TV and he received a call from home, Wayne would stop whatever he was doing to speak to his family. Every time he received a call from Singapore his face would light up with love. And after he spoke to his family. He would come into the rehearsal room afterwards to tell us the funny things his father or mother said to him and we’d laugh along with him. I use Wayne as a role model as to how to be a good son to my family.
His music…
I just want to leave you now by singing a song that Wayne wrote which really captures his spirit. This is my favourite Wayne Thunder Song. The song is called “Let Your Love Shine Thru”
If you think you’re feeling down and everything just ain’t right
If you’re all alone in this great big crazy world and you gonna give up the fight
If you’ve lost your will, you broke your heart and now you gonna lost your mind
If you ever believe that you can never ever, just once get things right
Take a look on the bright side
Don’t let hurt run your life
Rid yourself of ill feelings
You just have to be bold
And let your love shine through to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side
Let your love shine through and everything will be alright
Let your love shine through it will take you to the other side
Dear Wayne Thunder, Thank you for being a son, a brother, a friend and our favourite rock’n’roll star of all time. I must admit that I am envious that you got to heaven before me but I’ll see you soon and I promise I will write a whole bunch of songs to jam with you when it’s my turn to go. God bless your wonderful soul Wayne and thank you for instilling within us all the spirit of Wayne Thunder and dude, thank you for changing my life.
JBoss's Eulogy Story
"When I first got to Melbourne, before I could even unpack, before we even settled on our band name, Wayne passed me a piece of paper, he said it was a contract. The contract was the simplest I've ever seen, hand written and crumpled, it had San's and Wayne's signature on it and with only one clause.
1. One day we will be Rockstars!!!"
After seeing the mass of people turn up at the wake, the radio dedications, numerous posts on blogs, Wayne, I hope that San and I have helped you live your dream, we hope that we have fulfilled the contract. That "One Day" has come and you are a true Rockstar!
Always in my heart Justin (JBoss)
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