Logged on to msn messenger a while ago and I realise that Evelyn's nick is a little unusual and so I realised that she must have found out about my blog...not that I had intended to hide from her but the time is just not right for her to read it...but it just so happen that on Saturday when she was at my place, I happen to reply an email from Cassandra and I sort of have guessed that she actually had saw my blog address in the mail...
*sigh* the truth always sucks doesn't it...Well I know Evelyn will keep everything bottled up inside her but then again I had to say, "I'm sorry..." that's the very least I could do. Now that she knows about my blog, I guessed there is nothing possibly that I can deny...here it contains the truth and also answers that she might be seeking...I really hope she can take it, yeah I know I'm a big fat bastard that deserve to be shot but...it's just that time is not on my side...things happen and everyone's gotta past but my past made me evil and merciless, but still at times, my concience pricks me and question my actions...lives are meant to be respected and not destroyed but I tends to destroy them indiscrimately. Retribution will punish me but that's my path, my life, my destiny...I chose this path and there's no turning back...I'll definitely endure it to the very end and that will possibly be my greatest regret.
Time is always not on my side, shit happens in the past and now in the midst of my fucking exams...WHY??? Retribution or salvation? Damn, life's full of troublesome chores, one after another, never ending and fucking tiring...Why can't I be free from all these?
For the past 20 years and till now, there's not a single person that truly understands me, since young, I can never throw tantrums in the house that I lived in. My family is like the perfect family to everyone around me, always laughing and full of joy...but deep down inside, God knows what I'm thinking. I feel like I'm wearing a fucking MASK each time I step into my house! Whenever I'm feeling down, my parents will NEVER give me the support I need, they will NEVER ask me what happened and why and had NEVER offered help and concern when I'm in a foul mood. I had to put on an false "iron mask" and pretend that nothing had happen and pull a laughing and jovial front. Fucking fake, deceptive and untrue. Eventhough I seek refuge with my close friends, they can only do that much and it's not always that they are available, everyone's got their own problems and own lives. No one in my family truly knows what I'm going through and so I seek refuge in my girlfriends...one by one they left me in the end, and I finally realised that one can depend one thy self. Ever since, I don't really like to pour out my problems to people around me, I seek the jovial, deceptive front that I had evolved to accomodate everyone around me...No it's not that I am deceiving my friends but I have sort of learnt not impose on them. So it's here in my blog that I voice out my greatest distress. And for that many years of supressed angst, I have learnt to be cold and merciless, pardon me as the one that stands before your very eyes is nothing more than an evil, merciless, cruel and tormented soul encased in a humble, false and opaque form.
I can only say I'm sorry to those whom I have inevitably hurt...
"You'll never know what I'm thinking..."
1 comment:
Well thank you for your comment but it's the past that puts me where I'm in the present and yes the past is already gone and that I should let it rest...but I am still alive here and that is the very fact that the massacare must carry on...
Innocent lives must be sacrifice for me to find "The One". I do believe in retribution and the stakes are high but I evolved from darkness and that's where I'll find my light.
I do questions my actions but that's not because I have a conscience but rather for me to planned my next move as these innocent lives are nothing more than a mere dispensible pawn on my chess-table.
Post a Comment